By Alec Meer on August 30th, 2007 at 5:20 pm.
Continuing my abortive attempts to understand Ultima Online: Kingdom Reborn, the remake of the venerable MMORPG.
Today I killed a llama. No-one seemed to mind. I also killed a goat and a horse, but a frog beat the hell out of me. The fact it was called ‘Bogling’ rather than ‘Frog’ is, in retrospect, a reasonable clue. Later, when it got dark, I killed a cougar that I was convinced was trying to steal babies from cots or something. I’ve yet to see any other cougars, so now I’m a bit worried I’ve killed the only big cat in New Haven. I’m not supposed to be killing endangered species – I’m supposed to be a ninja, noblest of all the warriors. Except I’m a ninja that still can’t hide.
Full-on ninja-versus-llama action: the stuff they couldn’t show in cinemas!
After the jump: the murderous healer and the great shoe drought.
…
I’ve learned I’m capable of killing skeletons, but the third in a row will usually have me. I’ve also learned that the small icon that denotes whether I’m in chat (yellow) or attack (red) mode is basically my rear-view mirror – I should check it often, or a terrible accident might occur. For instance, like double-clicking on a man called ‘wandering healer’, hoping he’d be able to sort out the damage caused by that horse getting a couple of nasty kicks in. He says something about reporting me, and I start to worry maybe that llama belonged to someone. I double-click again, hoping I can explain myself or pay a fine or something. More or less as I do so, I spysomething bad out of the corner of my eye. ICON IS RED. Whoops. I forgot to turn off attack mode after all that animal brutality. Still, he’s a dweeb in a robe, into herbs and stuff, isn’t he? This can’t go too badly for me. Turns out, this guy calling himself a wandering healer is a bit of a red herring. ‘Wandering foul-tempered, insta-kill thug” is closer to the truth.
Still, it has a happy ending. Upon dying and spectrally respawning at Healer HQ, World of Warcraft instinct takes over and I run ghost-me (I even get a special death robe to wear) back to my corpse. Which is enormously stupid, because only a healer can bring me back to life, then I have to run to my corpse and collect my possessions within 15 minutes, or they’re lost forever.
Before I turn and resignedly head back to town again to be restored to life, I notice the deadly Wandering Healer is still lurking around. Initial instinct: anger. The bastard NPC’s camping my corpse, hoping for another pop at me! Then he happens to wander near my ghost while I’m thinking about what to do next, and a message pops up. “Would you like to be resurrected?” Of course. He’s a healer – that’s what he does. It’s like a bully just offered to buy me a pint after boxing my ears. Except this guy has, being an NPC, entirely forgotten that he was merrily punching me in the kidney mere seconds ago. Frankly, I’m a bit embarrassed by the whole incident. Still, saved me a trip to town and back, eh? I am going to have a look and see whether there’s a mod that sounds a constant, deafening klaxon whenever That Icon is toggled to Attack, however.
Later, I had a go at a zombie, but it swiftly became clear that all the confusing numbers about becoming 0.1% better at focus, anatomy or tactics or God knows what that spool across the screen whenever I’m in a fight haven’t made the slightest bit of difference to my spectacular ineptitude. This time, I run. I make it back to town, and a message announces I’m now under the guards’ protection. Phew. The zombie keeps coming. Er… Pop! A guard appears out of nowhere, and instantly slays the hapless undead. Again, phew.
I’m enormously grateful, and hope I can say so. Checking my Talk or Punch icon very carefully first, I double-click on him. He has nothing to say – instead an image of him accompanied by precise descriptions of what he’s wearing pops up. This is a bit weird, as I don’t poke around at people’s clothes when I talk to them. Then I notice something much weirder. He isn’t wearing any shoes. Full town guard armour otherwise, clearly quite handy in a fight and all that. But no shoes. I have shoes on, and I don’t even have a job! What if someone stabs him in the foot? All that armour’s a bit useless then, isn’t it? Perplexed, I go and peer at some other NPCs’ clothes. No-one is wearing shoes.
Where are his shoes?
Needless to say, I was enormously relieved. Finally, I must be getting a handle on things. Quite clearly, some bad monster has stolen everyone’s shoes, and I have to go and rescue them. I have a purpose! Hmm.
Next on The Worst Ninja: logging.
30/08/2007 at 18:53 SteveTheBlack says:
Perhaps they associate shoes with the man who single handedly slew their faithful pet cougar?
That might make shoes a little unfashionable.
30/08/2007 at 20:34 Ryan H says:
Even with the knowledge that the quest actually meant for you to stand around and click every 12 seconds(!!!), these posts make me want to sign up so badly.
30/08/2007 at 22:35 just_finished_okami says:
This actually sounds more fun than a 60 person WoW raid..
31/08/2007 at 02:22 Scallat says:
But then getting punched very hard in the junk is often more fun than a big WoW raid.
31/08/2007 at 09:35 just_finished_okami says:
ermmm…. yes. you got a point there..
27/09/2007 at 22:03 Tholal says:
I played UO for several years when it was first released, and the open-ended, what-the-hell-do-i-do-now sort of environment is one of the aspects that I miss from most of the current MMOs.
Yes, it can be frustrating and confusing, especially if you’re coming from a rail-type game such as WoW, but for those who have that constant, poking-into-things-you-shouldnt, curiosity (hmmm…. what happens with I pull this lever?), it can be a lot of fun!
24/11/2007 at 03:13 UOStock.com says:
I have played UO for a very long time, and I mean, even without ever playing the game before you can plainly see that Kingdom Reborn isn’t a finished product.
It was rushed to production and sadly, has turned alot of the hype about it into disappointment. I don’t know why the release was forced as overall the community at the time was pleased with the current structure of the game. A few more months would’ve made a world of difference to subscribers.
Ah well, at least the Llama looks cool.
09/05/2009 at 18:03 Tom says:
This was vastly humorous! anyways.. if you ever want some help killing those vicious llamas or skeletons just email me.. :)
07/07/2009 at 22:29 Kilroy says:
Too funny – I also (re)started UO after a decade hiatus as a hapless non-hiding ninja. The other ninjas just slowly shake their heads at me — which they can do because I’m right out in the open.
Here’s the secret to starting out as a ninja: Turn into a cat, and DON’T TURN BACK. Just, be a cat. Seriously you’ll thank me.
Meow.
- Kilroy