This Week In Reviews – Nov 16th

By John Walker on November 16th, 2007 at 1:54 pm.

Last night when falling asleep I came up with a great introduction for this week’s This Week In Reviews. But I don’t remember it any more. You can be assured that it was hilarious. Seriously, really funny. Instead, we’ll have to do with: the only reviews you’ll need of this week’s releases, if what you need from reviews is lies that half the time aren’t even pretending to be reviews.

F.E.A.R. – Perseus Mandate

In this hilarious comedy of errors, you play the Greek hero at an evening of gay speed-dating. After slaying the Medusa it’s time to get suited up, come up with a convincing lie for Andromeda, and head down to the local town hall. Each of the two-minute minigames presents a unique challenge, as you try to find a lover for the Grecian monster slayer. But make sure Cepheus doesn’t find out, or you’ll be F.E.A.R.ing the inlaws!

Crysis

A first for gaming, this remarkable documentary critique looks into the endemic dangers of games that replace their i with a y. Beginning with Myst, and ending with Myst, the groundbreaking investigation – in gaming form – asks question like: Who bought it? What the hell was wrong with them? And, Seriously, how did that awful pile of crap become one of the biggest selling games ever? Just how many deaths has the Myst series been responsible for? Is it the deadliest game ever made? Will it give your children cancer? Crysis explores these questions in a revolutionary way – not to be missed. (Please note: the opportunity to say, “Not to be myssed” or varients thereof was deliberately and boldly refused).

Sim City Societies

After the controversial Sim City Apartheid, EA attempts to bring the series back on line with a game based on integration. However, how will the influence of Masonic societies change your city?

Empire Earth III

The winner of the Most Incredibly Boring Game Title Competition has actually been made into a game! Narrowly beating Management Simulator VI and Call Of The Rise Of The Legendary Myths, it’s been created into a proper real-life game that’s for sale and everything.

757 Professional, Mosquito and Mission Combat Force for MSFS 2004 and MSFS X

The success of Microsoft Fight Simulator is a phenomenon. For over 43 years, the series has been replicating the intricacies of fighting to an astonishing degree. Now there are three more add-on packs, each concentrating on a different aspect of fisticuffs. 757 Professional takes you into a dubiously legal organised tournament, taking on some of the world’s most dangerous bare-knuckle fighters. Mission Combat Force is a melee specialist war fighter, concentrating on battles once the bullets have run out. And Mosquito is about punching mosquitos.

Beowulf

While the film will ask the important question: are Angelina Jolie’s CGI boobies as nice as the real ones?, the game will instead concentrate on recreating the first known story in remarkably accurate detail, following some of the most precise translations of the text known to man. Ha ha ha! That was a joke!

Bee Movie

Trap Jerry Seinfeld and his smug billionaire face in a perspex cage, arrange cameras all around it at the angles you choose, and then fill it with bees. Edit together the results of the formerly interesting but now a total blowhard comic into your own hilarious movie. Again and again and again.

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5 Comments »

  1. Piratepete says:

    I want to play management simulator 4 to be honest. Sounds a doozy.

  2. Feet says:

    Mmm. Boobies.

  3. Chris R says:

    Bewbs you say? I’ll take 4!

  4. WCAYPAHWAT says:

    It’s a Tomb Raider tie-in?

  5. KIRSTENOE31 says:

    Your interesting knowledge would be favourite like the hot ringtones from the free ringtones service used to be.