RPS Exclusive: Warren Spector Interview!

By Kieron Gillen on December 4th, 2007 at 8:45 pm.

As regular readers of RPS will know, I recently travelled back in time with Warren Spector to join Tesla and Freud in a mission to Mars to rescue somebody or another. But I figured, since I was trapped in a space ship with the great man himself, before we get down to the serious business of saving somebody or another, we could have a little interview about the issues. The results are beneath the cut, and include Warren’s take on Invisible War’s critical standing, Eidos Montreal’s chances of making a decent Deus Ex 3 and an admission that he’s been cloned by Disney.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

No, really. It’s dynamite stuff.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

See how he knows my name and everything? This is because we’re on an adventure to Mars together. It doesn’t matter than he single-handedly made Deus Ex with no help whatsoever and I write grammatically nonsensical stuff on an electric website – there’s no airs and graces here.

(For those who are interested, the rest of Ion Storm Austin sat around eating Ginger Snaps and sipping the office Earl Grey while Spector went about his work. Except Sheldon Pacotti who once helped stick together the original cardboard prototype of Gunther Hermann’s teutonic cybernetic head).

Anyway, I thought we’d start by talking about a little general games theory.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

The charmer. When I get over my blushing, I’ve decided that I have to show my journalistic mettle and go straight for the hard-questions. I won’t be diverted by pretty words, even though it’s true I do know an awful lot about emergent gameplay.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Okay. Sore spot. I change topic before it gets embarassing, and ask what pretty much everyone is wondering.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Yeah, I’ve had enough at this point.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

So we both laugh, but I know that there’s no way I’m going to get him away from the Company line. I move onto safer topics – talking about whatever undisclosed project he’s working on.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Huh? This raises my suspicions that something’s up.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

“Johann”. Wh-wh-what?

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

SHITTING FUCKSHITS. Disney have replaced Warren Spector with a clone called “Johann”. I was only expecting to get some luke-warm complimentary stuff towards Eidos Montreal, but this is spectacular.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Now I’m beginning to sense something. It’s as if he wants to talk to me about it, but can’t. Like Robocop or something, there’s prime directives which stop him revealing exactly what the evil scientists of Mickey Mouse have done to him. I lean closer…

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

So calm. So collected. So bearded. I realise that further chat is pointless for now, and make my excuses. Then something unexpected happens.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Now I’m thinking two things:
i) When he wants to say something, he really says something.
ii) All this talk about feeling like being needed and Dr Freud… is Warren Spector Hitting on me?

FUCK YEAH!

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

He’s being coy.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

He’s being cruel. The saddest emoticon in the world: :(

I have to leave and save my dignity, before I burst into tears like that time with Sid Meier.

Ooh, those kindly eyes.

And I’m left confused, elated and mildly aroused. I don’t know what to make of it. I’d be best to go and have a chat to Dr Freud, but he’s talking to Tesla about a dream he had about some pillows, and when he woke up, his marshmallows were gone, and I don’t want to interrupt.

Help me, guys! Does Warren really care for me, or does he just want to use me for cheap sexual kicks on the long flight to Mars.

I’m so confused.

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26 Comments »

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  1. Richard says:

    Help me, guys! Does Warren really care for me, or does he just want to use me for cheap sexual kicks on the long flight to Mars.

    Can’t it be both?

    You just need to talk to him about the things an Ultima man really cares about. NAME? JOB. And of course, BYE!

    You shameless hussy.

  2. someone says:

    Very funny.
    Keep up the good work.
    Ooh, those kindly eyes…what happened to changing the alt text? Why not put some ‘comment posters’ in the next story? How about that comment above me? No? How about the one below me? Am I getting close?

  3. The_B says:

    I feel slightly elated, yet dirty and ashamed.

    IT’S JUST LIKE REAL PORN.

  4. simonkaye says:

    I was truly, genuinely excited by the headline for this. Now I just feel empty. What if Warren ever reads this? It’ll crush him. You should all be ashamed. Ashamed.

  5. Tom Lillis says:

    Gillen’s gone mad, mad with lust!

    How could you suspect the great Spector (or his clone!) of having less-than-honorable intentions. Those twinkling eyes, that manly beard… these are the hallmarks of a man who is the paragon of virtue. Even a boozed up trollop like Avatar-You receives naught but the most dignified treatment from Clone-Spector.

    In other news, this is the best misuse of an adventure game I have seen in quite some time. Cheers.

  6. Kieron Gillen says:

    (Alt text: I felt bad for mentioning last time, so I decided to put people off the scent. And there’s a lot of pictures of words.)

    KG

  7. Feet says:

    Oooh. You git. I genuinely thought this would be a real interview, even after I saw the first pic. Git.

  8. Charles says:

    I can’t believe I was suckered in to clicking on this link. I thought it was a real interview. Bastards.

  9. Kieron Gillen says:

    Ironically, I’m actually interviewing Real Spector for Eurogamer tomorrow.

    KG

  10. Seniath says:

    Thank you, thank you for cheering me up during another late night lab session.

    End of term deadlines, how I rue thee!

  11. Kieron Gillen says:

    (And I’m sincerely hoping he doesn’t read this before then)

    KG

  12. Hump says:

    that sly dog. No wonder he keeps apart from the rest of the industry unwashed.

  13. FP says:

    Dream on, he’s out of your league.

  14. Darius K. says:

    Gotta love any article that name-drops Sheldon Pacotti!

  15. drunkymonkey says:

    Oh ho ho. That was brilliant. Really brilliant.

    And looking forward for the actual interview, Kieron.

  16. Acosta says:

    I sincerely hope that the first answer in your interview with Mr Spector is “Could you state that in a different way?”

  17. drunkymonkey says:

    That would be brilliant beyond words.

  18. Tom says:

    i get the feeling the next game with Mr Spectres name in the credits is gonna blow Deus Ex 3 clean out of the water… There are those who lead the way, and those who bring up the rear, polishing madly.

  19. twb says:

    Cloning? Foolish Gillen. Obviously, Warren is just using an alias
    to avoid the hordes of Victorian groupies he must fend off when time-travelling. Fain to burst out of those whale-bone corsets, they are, confronted with this master of electro-fluidic Babbage ludology.

  20. Adam Hepton says:

    This has made me laugh out loud lots. Gillen, you scamp.

  21. Piratepete says:

    I would love to see your face is he really did answer the first question “Could you state that in a different way?”

    quick someone email him

    Nice one acosta

  22. Nallen says:

    He has to read this before the interview!

  23. Sigmund Fraud says:

    Before your real interview, if he reads this… he would already know how to answer all your questions…

    “Could you state that in a different way?”

  24. matte_k says:

    Priceless. Sheer lunacy, but a directed sort of lunacy…