Your Monthly Spam Round-Up

By John Walker on March 31st, 2008 at 3:37 pm.

Here’s something enormously stupid that first appeared in PC Format. It’s reviews of spam! Why? Because someone asked me to write some reviews of spam. So I jumped into the spam folder and picked out the first few that grabbed me. I recommend doing this now and again – take a look, and enjoy the astonishing nonsense that gets sent out every day.

Yum.

but loved myself

The world’s most effective penís pill is now available.

If your probably off have to although and to great would makes since for me You’re I’ve hardly don’t and you time ever, but loved myself, and yourself see your this your see What’s hardly it myself, That’s don’t I

Where better to start than the traditional invitations to increase the size of our penises. If there’s a subject that’s bound to get straight through to the heart (and beyond) of a man, it’s to question whether his willy could use some work. However, it’s possible this doesn’t prove quite so effective when sent to women.

The thing is, not only are all our penises fine, thank you, but if we’re going to buy a medicinal pill, we’re going to wait for the pharmacists who can construct a sentence better than, “You’re I’ve hardly don’t and you time ever”. Sure, we’re snobs, but we’re snobs who learn from experience.

43%

sincere apo logies

I am taki ng the liberty of writing you this le tter instead of interr upting you
by phone. Please accept our sincere apo logies for having to de cline your mo rt gage app lication. We can not provide you with ra.te you req uested.

How ever, I can recommend ano ther company that can provide you with 2.3 % fi xed ra.te for 20 ye ars.

Perhaps a weakness in modern spam is far too much positivity, overwhelming us with good news and improbable compliments (apart from saying that our knobs need work), but here we’ve apparently failed before we’ve even started. That’s harsh. But wait, there’s still hope! Who exactly is it that falls for these? “I applied for a mortgage? And didn’t get it? Oh dear. But look, 2.3%…” Preying on amnesiacs just seems wrong.

2.3%

allergy, the prisoner

Bourgeois,)

75%off for all New Softwares.
WindowXP,Photoshop,Window2003…etcMore

allergy, the prisoner glanced.

We’re pretty convinced that they intended to begin with “bonjour”. But the joy of seeing “Bourgeois” above an attempt to sell Microsoft projects only makes us like this spam all the more. All the etcMore. And then, out the blue, a poignant vignette of poetic literature. This is spam at its peak. It doesn’t get much better than this. This is the reason to check your spam folders.

93%

a juicy weekend

Hi there!

I got your email from Jennifer and I just wanted to tell you strait up, I really like 2 FUCK! She told me u’re into fuckin’ too. Lets hookup for a juicy weekend (maybe even this weekend) and come together!

can’t wait to fuck like rabbits,
Sarah

Blimey – we’re in! Hang on… we don’t know a Jennifer. So why would she… This is very strange. Wait, there’s a link to her website…

Goodness gracious us. It would appear that Sarah’s love life is more widespread than we’d hope for in a partner. Sarah! How could you do this to us?! Was your invitation for the weekend nothing but a lie?

It’s probably a good job – the idea of having sex in a small, straw-filled hutch sounds very uncomfortable.

51%

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20 Comments »

  1. Cyrenic says:

    Quick, someone think up a paper thin rationalization tying this to SPACE WEEK.

  2. Jim Rossignol says:

    Spam is actually the attempt of alien races to communicate with us. Everyone knows that.

  3. Five says:

    Well, it certainly looks like they used Babelfish to translate their alien-speak

  4. Zuffox says:

    Reading the “sincere apo logies” letter is like hearing the voice of GLaDOS in your inner ear – probably due to the pauses the word breaks cause.

    You don’t think that-
    No, it probably isn’t.

  5. K says:

    I had spam trying to sell me an assortment of whips.
    How do they know?

  6. JVGP100 (Katsumoto) says:

    I’m pissing myself over “allergy, the prisoner glanced”. Now I hate my spam filter for being so effective.

  7. Matthew Gallant says:

    I wonder what they meant by “Windows2003″… it’s either Windows Server 2003 or Office 2003 I guess. Yay old software!

  8. Stan says:

    Heres one from my spambox lol,

    Find out why Obama is leading

    Spank and pleasure her
    There’s only one thing mightier than the pen, and that is a hot rod. http://www.moesdfke.com/

    [this link shows bare willies - Rudeness Ed]

    What the hell? And what does any of that have to do with PE?

  9. Man Raised By Puffins says:

    Reading the “sincere apo logies” letter is like hearing the voice of GLaDOS in your inner ear – probably due to the pauses the word breaks cause.

    The ‘apo logies’ bit brought to mind Hugh Laurie in Prince Ludwig mode for me.

    Disappointingly I tend to only get phishing regarding a non-existant Halifax account and the odd Nigerian these days. Oh for those halcyon days when every second e-mail promised to add inches to my member. Had a fairly good one lurking today though, which finished by imploring:

    THIS IS NO LIE!
    THIS IS REALITY!

  10. Lightbulb says:

    “Cyrenic says:

    Quick, someone think up a paper thin rationalization tying this to SPACE WEEK.”

    Well here goes:

    Since SPAM is by definition off-topic, and to my knowledge this is the first ‘themed’ week for RPS, this is the MOST appropriate time to post a topic on SPAM there has eve been.

    How was that?

  11. Iain "DDude" Dawson says:

    Bourgeois! Best spam ever!

  12. Ben Abraham says:

    AAAAAHHHH!!

    MATTHEW! WARN PEOPLE ABOUT THAT LINK!!!

    What has been seen… cannot be unseen…. @_@

  13. Phil H says:

    Pfft, you and your English spam, these days at least half of what comes in for me is in Russian/Cryllic. The SpaceSpam Race is on.

  14. K says:

    Regarding who falls for these things, think of it from the perspective of somebody not too familiar with how this all works. My Dad, for example. For all he knows, he receives an email because an individual at the other end has his email address, has sat down at their computer, typed it up and then sent it to him personally.

    Obviously, he doesn’t suddenly believe he entered the Spanish lottery and needs to give up his bank details, but it causes him to wonder why they chose him, specifically, to send the email to (Etc.) Which becomes more effective with the personal cries for help type scams.

    To help the poor, gullible people like this increase their awareness and technical skill, please send your donations now.

    Allergy, the prisoner glanced.

  15. alphaxion says:

    That’s not even mentioning people who get bounce backs from spam that used their address in the from field who get all panicy and ring me with “I didn’t send that, how have they used my email address?”.

    Many people don’t realise that email is totally insecure and that you can pretend to be whoever you want to be.

    Also, windows 2003 is the most current version of their server OS (well, R2 is), tho 2008 is due out at some point this year.

    I get a lot of chinese emails, tho the occasional english one gets thru… like one tryign to sell me a US doctors database, I think their spammer is an old nintendo fan judging by his replyto address: reply to: stepto_mario.dr@hotmail.com >.<

  16. Evert says:

    I got one the other day titled:

    “Cannot satisfy your woman? Enlarge your women.”

    Which made me chuckle

  17. THX-1138 says:

    I hope this will become a monthly feature, if possible.

    I am unfortunate in that I have an effective spam filter, but my Dad was bombarded with the stuff a while ago. None of it funnier than the stuff on here, but each email went into at least 500 words of random sentences, and each one concluding that based on this “privelidged” information sent to him he should invest in some obscure stock market shares.

  18. Quirk says:

    93%? Over-rated, I say!

    But then the best ever spam I received, my own personal 100%, was an advertisement for a water filtration device which spoke of fluoridation in sharp, paranoid language reminiscent of Doctor Strangelove. After that, every other spam has been an anti-climax.

    Lower down, but still quite high-ranking in my spam pantheon: a very earnest entreaty to buy pumps for mining equipment, and several intriguing emails offering vignettes into the life of famous pirates such as Captain Kidd juxtaposed with offers of aphrodisiacs.

  19. Matt says:

    Wow Quirk.

    I’ve never seen such excessive amounts of “linguistic gymnastics” demonstrated in a single comment on the internets before yours. Felicitations to thee!

  20. sana says:

    This didn’t quite become monthly, eh? Too bad!

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