NSFW: A Beginners Guide To Sporn

By Kieron Gillen on June 18th, 2008 at 5:59 pm.

Yeah, your mum is real proud right now.
You give humanity a creative tool, the first thing a human will do is – well – make a tool with it. Since the Spore demo’s release, it’s become a bukkake wave sweeping the web: comedy pornographic images via Spore. Spornography – aka “Sporn”. Has it reached a climax yet? We don’t know, but we think it’s as good a time as any to stop and survey the lie of the land. And, yes, it’s sticky.

Beneath the cut you’ll find gathered a large selection of the phalluses, the pseudo-sex-acts and general disturbing animated parts of the gamers’ subconcious. For God’s sake, don’t click it at work.

Right – we’re dividing these into loose categories. There’s certainly some we’ve missed – there’s a brilliant missionary position one I can’t find again – but it’ll do for now. If you’ve got a favourite, please, post it in the comments thread and we’ll work it in later.

COITUS
:
X object in Y orifice, and various combinations thereof.




MOBILE PHALLUSES
:
Like everyone else, we predicted they’d be a lot of these. And the prediction was right. What’s most impressive is the number of different ways you can make a cock move.

(The next one will satisfy you if you ever wondered what a large penis would look like when dancing to rubbishy dance tracks)

GOATSE:
The Dark Heart of the Internet, faithfully recreated.

CREATURES WITH ENORMOUS PHALLUS
Look – it’s an animal with an impressively large cock. Noteworth is the variety in size and shape. No person draws a comedy cock in the same way.

(I especially like how the following one licks it and lies his head against it)

(And someone’s overcompensating)

FORLORN, YET DISTURBING, ATTEMPTS TO MAKE HOT WOMEN
As title. Nice try, but… no.

I’m sure Will Wright is very proud of you all.

UPDATE 1: Some further Sporn! Also, if you’re having trouble actually playing the videos, and they’re stopping after 2 seconds, the way I tend to fix it on my machine is closing and restarting Firefox. As in, a clean restart rather than resuming a session. Very odd.

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114 Comments »

  1. Lambo says:

    These all seem to freeze at exactly 2 seconds for me. Theres probably a very simple reason for this but could someone point it out to me? BTW nice collection you must be very….dedicated…to go through all of this :)

  2. Strelok says:

    @Lambo: Flash 9 + Firefox.

  3. Andthensobecause says:

    Dammit. “Sporn.” That’s such a good name for it. And google says you are the first to use it.

    I keep mistakenly attributing sentience to these creatures and then I get unbelievably creeped out.

  4. rei says:

    Oh god, the first one cracked me up so hard that I’m afraid to click on the rest. There’s something absolutely hilarious about subverting the perfectly innocent piece of software to such an end.

    (27, for the record <.<)

  5. Riotpoll says:

    I have the same problem, moving the slider and starting at a different point it just feezes after 2 seconds too :(

  6. The_B says:

    I think it helps that the dance emote music does sound vaguely reminiscent of a bad porno…

  7. Arnulf says:

    Really, this is… morbidly fascinating. To say the least.

    Questions pop into my head, questions that need to be answered:

    1. How large is the percentage of pr0n-centered Sporecreativity?

    I mean, is it that these egregious examples just stick out more and get more attention than they deserve. Maybe, maybe I’m just visiting the wrong websites (Kotaku, RPS) which home in onto these like flies to a turd. Did the BBC, Spiegel Online, the NY Times, Wired discover Spr0n already.

    2. What does Will Wright think of all this?

    Did he forsee it? Is he laughing like a madman? Ashamed to look into a mirror? (“What did I do?“)

    3. If Sigmund Freud would live in this day and age, would he have a field day with all this?

  8. Corion says:

    And to think this game is supposed to download other peoples’ creations to your computer. Will I be subjected to this? Will children be subjected to this?

    I can foresee playing in offline mode should I break my boycott and buy an EA game.

  9. Achievee Soot says:

    @Andthensobecause

    Sporn is from an RPS comment, actually, but I imagine lots of people came up with it independently.

    http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/?p=1921#comments

  10. Noc says:

    Arnulf:
    1) I was browsing the Sporepedia last night, and I wasn’t actually seeing much of it. My theory is that everyone, with a few exceptions in both directions, makes one obscenity. Then they make twenty other creatures, keeping the Phallic Ratio (henceforth referred to as PR) relatively small.

    2) RPS needs to seek out Mr. Wright’s opinion on the matter! Headline: “Is Spore Doing Wright with Cocks?”

    3) The internet has more polygons than public restrooms.

  11. Chugnucker says:

    omf the 18th one had me rolling

  12. K says:

    Mine is still the best, and I’m spamming every thread until you agree. Or, possibly, I won’t. Or, possibly, I already have.

    Adore it

    I was going to use “sporn” too. :/
    Oh, oh, Spore Spawns Sporn?

  13. chaos4u says:

    Im so dissapointed my creations have not showed up :(

    there something about being able to create anthropomorphic (god thats a big word… thanks google)
    creatures and then give them sexual traits
    i wonder if the porn industry is watching this .

    But as Corion pointed out this is going to be a surprise to some clueless parent. They bought this kid the game thinking it would be educational only to come in to the room and see there lil kid staring wide eyed at the abomination gyrating and pulsating across the screen in all its graphic XXX glory…

    this has the potential to best hot coffee and sega’s night trap in terms of political rabble..

    and on a side note i bet the furries are loving this.

  14. Lambo says:

    @Strelok I tried it but that still doesn’t work.

    Does anyone have any other suggestions. I’ve seen a lot of these vids in other places and they’ve all worked fine, its just these particular links that freeze on me I think.

  15. Valentin Galea says:

    Programmer for Spore returns home:
    Wife – Hi honey, how was work?
    Progr. – Well I tweaked even more the engine for displaying cocks! Had some bugs…
    Wife – Oh honey I’m so proud of you! Putting money on the table by allowing other people to animate virtual cocks!

  16. Okami says:

    Will Wright is probably crying right now..

  17. Steven Hutton says:

    I’m surprised no one has made a woman with a mouth full of razor sharp fangs instead of a vagina… yet.

  18. Dodger says:

    Gah, this is not what evolution is about, people!

    Well… in a way it is. -_-

  19. Jim Rossignol says:

    This is the end of videogames.

  20. Simon Parkin says:

    The bell-end of videogames.

  21. Alfoodle Noodle says:

    I have this feeling that Wright knew this fucking all along.

    He created the Sims! Nude Patches, Penis-Sims, they were all over the place!

    What I’m thinking is that he attempts to find out what people are exactly using for these creations, he’ll maybe have a few models tweaked to be less optimal for these purposes, or maybe they’re brainstorming some kind of filter that looks through the whole obscenity thing.

  22. Nick says:

    How long before the senators get involved, eh?

  23. hobbes says:

    Just for info, the video problem appears to also afflict Opera.
    The temporary solution suggested at the mozilla forums is to go back a version to flash 8. I have not tried this, so don’t know if it works or not.

  24. AbyssUK says:

    Spore might just be the most awesome game ever…

  25. fluffy bunny says:

    “And to think this game is supposed to download other peoples’ creations to your computer. Will I be subjected to this? Will children be subjected to this?”

    Those are good questions, and I wonder what effect this “sporn-fad” will have on the shared content thing that’s supposed to be an important part of the later stages of the game.

  26. Sam says:

    You see, this is why we can’t have nice things.

  27. Rook says:

    I can’t wait for the fox news report, because let’s face it, they’d be right about the content this time.

  28. Stuk says:

    Is this what investigative journalism has come to?! Filth I say!

  29. Andthensobecause says:

    @Achievee Soot

    Oh, hmm, so I missed that then and my google skills are lacking.

  30. Trousers says:

    @ Lambo:

    I’ve also had problems recently with embedded (sp? drunk?) videos pausing at two seconds, and then playing 2-5 seconds before pausing again no matter where I try to skip the video too. I was using firefox, but IE seemed to play the videos fine.

    Has anyone else had problems with embedded (?) videos stopping after a few seconds and refusing to continue? Is it a firefox issue only?

    EDIT: I’m in teh america if that makes a difference.

  31. Zed says:

    Dear lord, I feel sorry for Will Wright ATM. I mean, someone at Maxis/EA must have considered that this could would happen. Will they have some cadre of interns, vetting all the millions of critters that will be uploaded as time goes on?

    My god, the emotional scarring from that job…

  32. Frans Coehoorn says:

    Spore is going nuts! Soon 18+ and bans all over the world!

  33. ste says:

    FYI Kieron can claim what he wants about the “Sporn” genesis, but I say he ripped the term off me. Evidence: earlier in the day he’d messaged me to ask if I had any favourite s-pornography and I linked him to my blog post. NB This is not the first time he has stolen something from me, going right back to my heart in Bath some eight years ago. The problem is he is handsome / bearded / hung like a Minter-envisioned spore-creation and always gets away with it :(

  34. El Stevo says:

    I’d say the chances of you encountering a walking cock in your game of Spore are relatively slim. There maybe a lot of them out there, but they’re dwarfed by the number of work-safe creatures.

    Another point to consider is that the creatures have to be shared by the creator before others can receive them, which I’m sure not all cock creators will do. I of course gave in to temptation and made a penis monster (Dongzilla), but unlike most of my other creatures I didn’t bother sharing it.

    Then when a creature is uploaded users can report it for offensiveness, which I’m sure would happen for all the obviously obscene creatures. This means EA only have to look for obscene content to remove in this list of flagged creatures rather than vetting every single new submission.

    There’s also a simple rating system in place for the creatures. I’m not sure about the exact nature of it, so I can only speculate, but perhaps creatures with a negative rating either won’t be put into players’ worlds or will have a smaller chance of doing so. I took a quick look at Sporepedia, and it appears that most of the ruder ones have unhappy faces beside them.

    It seems like a fairly robust and self-regulating system to me. I’m sure one or two one-eyed monsters will slip through the net, but as a last resort players can ban individual creatures from their game.

  35. Derek says:

    Bummer, sporn.com and spornography.com are both already registered. I could have been a millionaire. :(

  36. Stromko says:

    I’m getting the same video pausing problem even when I use Internet Explorer, and using Firefox 3 and Firefox 2. IE also fails to properly display the page. Awesome. ;) I could try back-patching Flash but I don’t care that much. Oh nevermind, it does have sound and simply buffers bad in IE.

  37. Tenorek says:

    why are all these videos messed up? I mean besides the obvious. They keep stopping in the middle of play.

  38. phuzz says:

    And as of now, pretty much all of them have been taken off youtube, which means I don’t get to see them.

    thank fuck

  39. Sightseemc says:

    The only solution I have to the “2 seconds then freeze problem” in Firefox is to exit the browser, and begin Firefox again. I do not restore the previous session (though that may not matter), and I just surf back to the page and replay the video. Works fine, so there must be some [insert "buffer" or "memory" or other word that true programmers understand] issue.

  40. Ci2e says:

    yeah why do all the videos freeze after two seconds of play?

    i’ve noticed in the past having a lot of trouble w/ quicktime so i don’t use it now youtube videos where’s the fix ??

  41. Andrew says:

    I think its funny. I never even thought about doing this until i read this artical. I have had the program for a few hours now. 8 )

  42. mistamatrix says:

    For the record, I came up with the term SPORN for the three sexy creatures (one of which has now been deleted from youtube after 6000+ views) that I had made on the demo version of spore creature creator that had got leaked on the net over last weekend.

    Respect where its due. Check out my youtube if you dont believe me. Peace ;0)

  43. mistamatrix says:

    in fact to prove my point further, type ‘sporn’ and ‘spore’ into google together and which youtube links are at the top

    Iii thankyaw

  44. Mr. Bunny says:

    I sure hope this doesn’t become a problem. They can be amusing for a little while, but I sure don’t want these in my game. I hope the rating system can stand up to all this.

  45. NameRequired says:

    Yea there’s a lot of shit coming from this creator, but if it’s done good like a f*cking race or some nice try of naked woman, so I think that there’s no problem. But people u gotta be an artist to do it beautiful, otherwise it became just another proof for humans’ degradation. Here’s something I just saw, and I like it because it’s a combination of fun video and precise work: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mV1xp9m0B00

  46. RichPowers says:

    Call me a five-year-old all you want, but those vids had me lol’ing for a good while, especially the goatse creature.

    @Mr. Bunny: Hopefully EA doesn’t ban this immature stuff outright, but lets players rate it. It would be funny to have a few planets full of giant cock creatures — but not an entire galaxy.

  47. SirNuke says:

    I remember calling this long before the demo came out, stating that the biggest problem I could see myself having with spore is that I am past the age where a planet populated entirely with creatures that look like penises is funny.

    Maxis official content only? EA would have to pull off an impressive upset to not sell bazillion copies of Spore, so they certainly could afford to hire a small army to approve creatures.

  48. P.T. says:

    What’s with all the fretting about the content? This is the internet, everyone knows this would happen. (You weren’t surprised by the Sporn, were you? Why would anyone else be?)

    The Spore game has three download modes: None (default), Friends-only, and Free-for-all. Plus you can “report” objectionable content. Yeah, I assume someone out there in California has to filter out the objectionable content — what a job …

    Browse the sporepedia at ea.com. The variety of creatures is amazing! They’re all happy-friendly, rounded creatures though. (I assume all the goths and entomologists that download this are frustruated by the lack of hard corners and unhappy colors …)

    Still, I’m stunned by how well this thing works! And the proceduralness of it all is amazing. And the fact that Will Wright got 200k new creature models for the game he’s releasing this september! That’s an army of designers no one else can match.

  49. Albides says:

    Steven Hutton

    I’m surprised no one has made a woman with a mouth full of razor sharp fangs instead of a vagina… yet.

    That was actually the first thing I made. I’ll concede it doesn’t resemble a woman much.

    My second attempt was naturally enough, cock, albeit with big spikey balls.

    PS: I use Firefox and the video playback issue happened to me this morning. When I came back from work, they played normally. I have no idea what the problem could be.