NSFW: A Beginners Guide To Sporn

By Kieron Gillen on June 18th, 2008 at 5:59 pm.

Yeah, your mum is real proud right now.
You give humanity a creative tool, the first thing a human will do is – well – make a tool with it. Since the Spore demo’s release, it’s become a bukkake wave sweeping the web: comedy pornographic images via Spore. Spornography – aka “Sporn”. Has it reached a climax yet? We don’t know, but we think it’s as good a time as any to stop and survey the lie of the land. And, yes, it’s sticky.

Beneath the cut you’ll find gathered a large selection of the phalluses, the pseudo-sex-acts and general disturbing animated parts of the gamers’ subconcious. For God’s sake, don’t click it at work.

Right – we’re dividing these into loose categories. There’s certainly some we’ve missed – there’s a brilliant missionary position one I can’t find again – but it’ll do for now. If you’ve got a favourite, please, post it in the comments thread and we’ll work it in later.

COITUS
:
X object in Y orifice, and various combinations thereof.




MOBILE PHALLUSES
:
Like everyone else, we predicted they’d be a lot of these. And the prediction was right. What’s most impressive is the number of different ways you can make a cock move.

(The next one will satisfy you if you ever wondered what a large penis would look like when dancing to rubbishy dance tracks)

GOATSE:
The Dark Heart of the Internet, faithfully recreated.

CREATURES WITH ENORMOUS PHALLUS
Look – it’s an animal with an impressively large cock. Noteworth is the variety in size and shape. No person draws a comedy cock in the same way.

(I especially like how the following one licks it and lies his head against it)

(And someone’s overcompensating)

FORLORN, YET DISTURBING, ATTEMPTS TO MAKE HOT WOMEN
As title. Nice try, but… no.

I’m sure Will Wright is very proud of you all.

UPDATE 1: Some further Sporn! Also, if you’re having trouble actually playing the videos, and they’re stopping after 2 seconds, the way I tend to fix it on my machine is closing and restarting Firefox. As in, a clean restart rather than resuming a session. Very odd.

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114 Comments »

  1. Crispy says:

    Great opening line, Gillen.

    And to think this game is supposed to download other peoples’ creations to your computer. Will I be subjected to this? Will children be subjected to this?

    I would imagine that EA will have to go down the YouTube route and force all creations to be put in a public gallery before they can be downloaded. There they are voted on by do-gooders and tagged for any signs of indecency. There may be a ‘quarantine’ period of a week or so to allow creatures to be voted on before they can be downloaded.

    Well, that’s my guess. Or maybe they won’t do anything like this and Spore will become the new posterboy for the impending ‘games cause sexual deviance in kids’ debate.

  2. Ian says:

    At last! A sophisticated game for children.

  3. ZeeKat says:

    Internet – virtual version of last row of desks in the classroom. Yeah, I’m sure they didn’t see this coming.

    I have admit some of these made me cry (with laughter, of course), which show how appalingly low standards I have.

  4. Arnulf says:

    For the record, I was not really concerned about the fate of humanity over spornography. I just find the invasion of penile creatures hilarious! Yet, for some curious reason, I’m not really interested in creating such a thing myself? That frightens me a little, since it feels like I’m not normal in some sense. Maybe it’s because I deem this part of the male anatomy not very aesthetical.

    Anyway, apparently EA is totally aware of this crisis and intends to crack down on this.

    Heavily!

    What disturbs me again is that they first target a creature made out of, er, mammaries. Which seem to me much more pleasing to my eye than all these walking, wobbling, jumping phalli…

  5. Kieron Gillen says:

    Updated with further comments thread Sporn!

    Mistamatrix: Your work is an inspiration.

    RPS makes no attempt to claim the phrase “Sporn” for my own. A friend on a mailing list of ours said it, which is where I’m taking it from, but people were certainly doing it independently before.

    But it’s quite the thing.

    KG

  6. AbyssUK says:

    Simple answer have 18+ servers and none 18+ servers.. it asks your age when you sign up already.. so easy but I bet EA go mental and start censoring left right and centre.

  7. Muzman says:

    You guys have to hang on to that Oh My Eyes tag too, for all sorts of stuff.

  8. Pussdaddy says:

    Haha what about this one. its checking out his own bunghole!

  9. Okami says:

    I think I now understand EA’s reasons for releasing the creature editor in advance of the main game. They want people to get the urge to do sporn out of their systems before the main game launches, so everybody will allready have done sporn and then hopefully have grown tired of it.

    Don’t want all those things popping up directly after launch, do you? Especially with the mainstream press beeing interested in the title as well.

  10. AbyssUK says:

    Okami.. I reckon its more like they have time to cancel before it gets out of hand :)

  11. Ste says:

    kieron i am not “from” a mailing list i am a real person and moreover a person with feelings.

  12. Kieron Gillen says:

    I wasn’t talking about you Ste. Someone had beat you to the punch. The Donkey punch, etc.

    KG

  13. Calabi says:

    What has Will Wright done, he could’ve single handedly bought back the space exploration program by years.

    When they have the talks for the funding of NASA.

    “Have you seen the Spore porn?”
    “Could this stuff potentially be out there, in space?”
    “Most of it probably not although we cant say with absolute certainty”
    “So there could be?”
    “Yes”
    “Well in that case I will put forward my recommendations to desist all deep space exploration immediately, and begin plans to build a space shield and the biggest goddamn weapon we can muster”

  14. mistamatrix says:

    Thanks Kieron, I wasn’t accusing anyone I was just setting small things straight. There was only a handful of us making sporn with the leaked demo at the weekend and I coined the term sporn either sunday or monday. It’s not important, just a little bit of joy seeing it all over tinternet :D

    Anyway. I am really looking forward to landing on another planet and wiping out herds of penises. Or fighting naked aliens with 6 tits!
    I think maybe maxis will curb it, but I plan to do some tasteful softcore sporn females with the full version I bought on release that hopefully they’ll include.

    To all the haters, its only a game. Welcomes to teh internets.

    x Liam

  15. genx says:

    some ppl are very disturbed… ugh.

  16. Pod says:

    Re: “Sporn”. It’s hardly a big leap of imagination to come up with it. I imagine billions of dick-producing sporeites came up with the name as well. Even Ron Gilbert used it as a title of his latest newspost.

  17. Kieron Gillen says:

    Mistamatrix: If humans were in space, and found a planet and it was full of walking cocks, you bet they’d drop the nukes. “It was too sick to live”.

    KG

  18. Caiman says:

    I can’t believe I clicked through every one of those videos! What the hell is wrong with me?!

  19. Noc says:

    I’m still curious about the mechanics of it all. I mean, does a marauding band of Dick-Men gain bonuses when raiding a village of Vagina-People? Is Spore capable of recognizing common shapes, making such differentiation possible? If not, how feasible would such functionality be to implement?

    There are opportunities here, for men willing to seize them.

  20. mistamatrix says:

    Noc.. tbh it’s just aesthetics. Some people like to see large breasts and floppy cocks. Funny how no-one complains that cows have great big tits and horses cocks hang proud.

    Mammals be proud.

  21. Ste says:

    oh, furries.

  22. Sithinious says:

    While this is pretty disturbing, it’s also pretty funny and actually shows a lot of talent in some cases.

  23. Fazer says:

    Some of this videos has been already banned. Maybe it’s better for humanity, because they were really disturbing… But hey, the same thing happened with Garry’s Mod! (KleinercoughoncoughAlyxcough) Conclusion? Kieron nailed it – if you give people a tool, firstly they will create the most stupid thing on Earth.

  24. Chris Keegan says:

    Will Wright i bet is thinking “Opps i may have just created a whole new gaming subculture”

    Politicians are going to love this.

    Meanwhile…
    Anyone up for a quick game of Spore Karma Sutra? ;)

  25. Verdugo says:

    Jack Thompson will go nuts when he sees this.

  26. Kieron Gillen says:

    Ste: When I messaged you I said “sporenography “, which is a me-ism of who I stole it from. I’ll link to her blog so you be friends. She’s a girl. You like girls.

    KG

  27. The_B says:

    For breakfast?

  28. Mtzoid says:

    WHAHAH THIS IS THE BEST ONE SO FAR!!! 3 creatures fucking :P

  29. mistamatrix says:

    bloody hell you tube have deleted both my male and female sporn creatures!! and I’ve been banned from uploading or commenting for two weeks!!!

    23 or die

  30. Ido says:

    lol, I can’t believe my vid is still up and got so many views.

  31. kipsed says:

    How about this? My attempt at a nice looking lizard girl:

  32. Ill Precedent says:

    I really ought to be ashamed to be participating, but when in Rome…

    I just made a double P, myself… first one I’ve found on the net. I’ll send to anyone who wants to put it up (don’t want to mess up my Youtube account).

    Someone with more money than me ought to start “The Sporn Emporium”, where we sodomites can upload our best efforts. I got 5 on it.

  33. mistamatrix says:

    “Someone with more money than me ought to start “The Sporn Emporium”, where we sodomites can upload our best efforts.”

    I’m on it.. in the next 23 hours we should have a video/picture hosting forum live, devoted to uploading and sharing sporn. Will post the url here within the the next day. Spreading sporn, with or without the consent of EA and maxis.

  34. Ill Precedent says:

    You da man, mista! And thanks for the inspiration(s), I caught some of your stuff before it YouTube recycled it back into the ether…

    As long as the first amendment is still around, and the creatures are not uploaded to the Sporepedia, I believe we are within our user rights (not using our Spore screennames for anonymity’s sake might not be a bad idea either).

    I’ve got a little web marketing experience, if that’ll help the cause at all. Be sure to submit the URL to Buzzfeed, that’s where I first caught the newz

  35. mistamatrix says:

    :D I’m in England and my server is in Germany, its getting little use at the moment so this will be prefect to get the cobwebs off it. I’ve been busy setting up a phpbb forum with video/picture capabilities, need to find a flash streaming site alternative to youtube to relax my server load.
    The whole thing will be seperate to EA/Maxis and not involve the sporepedia or even any other form of porn. There’s enough of that on the internet already.
    I’m just up for centralising our creativeness and not crushing it.
    I’ll be looking for Mods and a bit of web marketing in the soontime, I have to go away to work at Glastonbury Festival on Tuesday but will have the site live well before then.

    Yes I will post on Buzzfeed.

    If anyone else is on this mission, please let me know and we’ll form a webring! :0)

  36. turkey says:

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!

  37. christian hunter says:

    i haven’t been this amused by ANYTHING related to gaming since the quake 2 mod w/ the tractor beam (pushing friends into lava!).

    this is the funniest thing i’ve seen in months!

  38. utubesuckbad says:

    i say let the human body part in spore run wild and free it just good humor and oyu know what? screw the kid this is a adult games base on a RTS so kid will surely give up the games at the RTS part since it going to be the long and hard so here my sporn video lol
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=16Idw-80Hsk cockasasur rex
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=bENwQaD1T_s TITZILA
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=0CS4qaQJgM8 PEDOSAUR lol enjoy =D

  39. ujmkiop says:

    could youtube be more of a blue haired granny? thanks for the pointless censorship youtube, who needs those little cartoon chinese internet cops when we have you?

  40. mistamatrix says:

    http://www.sporn.unlimited23.net/

    Here is the address of the forum, I’m having just one weird problem that I’m talking to phpbb about to solve, you’ll notice it soon enough (there is a cgi error if you dont press a button after submitting a post), apart from that it will work perfectly. You’ll be able to upload pics and easily embed video from most online hosts.

    It’s by no means complete and I dont have tonnes of time to throw at it but it’s there to play with if anyone fancies it.

    CHEERS BIG EARS :0)

  41. Ill Precedent says:

    Cool beans.

  42. mistamatrix says:

    The site at http://sporn.unlimited23.net will remain active, but will be moved to http://spornography.net very soon all content will be transferred, so come on guys POST SOME SPORN!

    I’ll add the rest of my own soon, need a break now though.

  43. gavril peloponnakos says:

    Take it down or leave it up? That is the question of the hour?
    Jeez. And here I’m thinking “Christ, some of these poor bastards need to hook up with a woman before they go beyond insane.”
    Seriously, spore porn? This is just ridiculous.
    honestly, sure its just a game, but this is so frakking beyond laughable. When people start doing this its time to shut down the computer and read a book, or better yet get outside. I didn’t believe this when I heard about it from youtube, but this just goes beyond anything that I have ever seen. Kids/teens/young adults these days (Shaking my head in disbelief).

  44. mistamatrix says:

    Leave it up.

    To answer your concerns.

    I have a hot girlfriend, I spent all day out.. went to the market for veg and used the afternoon to fit a weatherproof socket to our vannette so our solar panal can be removed easily. I read manuals, not really into books.. I like a good movie. I have enjoyed reading the LoTR a few times and HHGttG also Robert Anton Wilson books and some other spiritual pap…

    My point is, I am wise and well rounded and so what if I’m a massive cartoon perve, I hate censorship and stand for the fact that floppy willies and bouncy tits look great on SCC.
    Its a creative outlet, that rocks. Better still we can create aliens with GENITALIA!
    Do you have something against GENITALIA?

    Please supporters, come fill the Sporn Emporium with Sporn.
    http://www.spornography.net

  45. Kieron Gillen says:

    I’m actually slightly amazed anyone things the sporn is for wanking over. It’s funny.

    That there is a forum for Sporn alone pleases me. Good work, Mistamatrix.

    KG

  46. spornmaster says:

    I have a sporn weblog at sporn-u.com All videos put up on my weblog have been downloaded as mp4s. If Youtube takes them down, we’ll just upload them to another video host and fix the blog entry to have the new video source. :-)

    Hell, I have half a mind to just download all Youtube sporn as mp4 and upload to another host. Let’s see how Youtube likes having its ad revenue taken to the competition. Sporn might be silly, deranged, whatever, but there’s no doubt it brings TRAFFIC.

  47. mistamatrix says:

    Haha, I never said I wank to Sporn, I just find it funny and sexy in a cartoon, visual way.. you know like how when we were kinds we’d pause SFII when Chun Li was doing a spinning bird kick to catch a glimpse of her knickers.
    Oh is that just me ?
    Anyway yeah its a larf.

    I’m mainly posting to let you all know, the teething problem with the forum has been solved… I was just poking away at it this morning when the solution came to light.
    So now it is bug free and primed for use.
    Gonna work more on the graphics and styles but not until there is a bit more content.
    Need a bit of feedback really.

    As I said before I am away for a week tomorrow but will leave the forum open to see how it goes/grows, when I get back I’ll prune and evolve the look somewhat.

    spornmaster, I’ve replied to your email, we’ll definitely form a webring.. first thing is to find a video host that doesn’t mind Sporn… has anyone tried megavideo ?

  48. timpundit says:

    So the kids are making walking pee-pees? I have a question…

    So the fuck what?

    Jesus P Kerist… there’s games out there manufactured for the sole purpose of beating and raping prostitutes and car jackings and we’re upset that some 11 year old sees a dancing penis?

    American’s are totally fucked in the head. We deserve what we get.

  49. John P (Katsumoto) says:

    So Pee-Pee means willy in America eh? What does Wee mean, in that case? I’m recalling the grand days of 2006 or whenever it was we first found out the Wii’s name. That was OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY for several months, then suddenly we all got used to it at once. I miss those days.

  50. Derek K. says:

    “but perhaps creatures with a negative rating either won’t be put into players’ worlds or will have a smaller chance of doing so. I took a quick look at Sporepedia, and it appears that most of the ruder ones have unhappy faces beside them.”

    I’d certainly imagine you can set a download threshold for your own universe – only happy, 75% happy, etc.

    “There are opportunities here, for men willing to seize them.” I will seize *no* opportunities related to giant willies.

    “there’s games out there manufactured for the sole purpose of beating and raping prostitutes and car jackings and we’re upset that some 11 year old sees a dancing penis?”

    Assuming that was a serious question, Spore is marketed to kids and families. The beating and raping games, presumably, are not. Spore also likely will have a *slightly* higher retail success.

    Also, that’s a common fallacy – simply because a beating/raping game exists doesn’t mean we should care about lesser games. That’s sort of like saying “I don’t really care that you were shot. You see, there are thousands of people a year in Africa that die of diseases. I’m going to allow you to bleed to death.” Unless you are using time you would otherwise be using to crusade against said games to do this, it’s not an either or situation.