By Kieron Gillen on August 21st, 2008 at 4:14 pm.
You may have noticed that with Red Alert 3 EA are pressing the button marked “Sex” as if it were a magical device which ejaculated streams of money. Which it may well be. Now that they’ve actually released details of the full cast, being a serious games site, I thought it of critical importance we analysed whether by spending such tall-dollars they’ve managed to succeed in titilating us. I called the undisputed Miss Sex of videogame journalism, Gamasutra and Sexyvideogameland‘s Leigh Alexander, and we went through the trailer together, deciding who was hot and who was not. You might be surprised by the results. You may not be surprised to discover I was drinking.
If you can’t be bothered downloading the High Definition video, here’s the whole video. Play along at home, or just stare at our painstakingly collected array of grabs.
Kieron: Okay – before we start: Leigh Alexander! Welcome to RPS. Just to let people understand your critical faculties, what do you look for in a sexy person? Personally, I look for low self-esteem and standards.
Leigh: Well, Kieron Gillen, I look for… general sexiness, and uh… non-ugliness. Being a jerk is hot, too.
Kieron: You like Jim?
Leigh: Oh now, you promised you wouldn’t spring these things on me.
Kieron: No I didn’t. I made no such promise.
Leigh: Great, and now I’m trapped. Damn you. I have very low self esteem, you know. And low standards.
Kieron: Man, don’t tempt me, you temptress. Let’s play the video.
Kieron: 00:11. Pause. Do you find the EA logo hot? I don’t really.
Leigh: Wait, yeah, I was still becoming hot and bothered over the Empire’s logo. It’s like when the Death Star cruises onto the screen. Chills.
Kieron: I understand. Or at least, I pretend to.
Leigh: You know, in the way that Nazi uniforms are hot? But we’re not supposed to think so?
Kieron: I bet Nazis thought it hot.
Leigh: Oh, are these Nazis here, in this elevator at 0:18?
Kieron: Yeah – I was about to say that. There’s Nazis.
Leigh: See, because I’m so rarely playing games on PC, my education in war history has languished.
Kieron: I’ll help. There was WW2. And it has gone on for 80 years, or so it seems. It will never end.
Leigh: See, this game would already win so many points with me if it had a character customizer. Dress and undress the she-wolves of the S.S. Okay, so we know the Nazis are sexy — am I going to get hate mail for this?
Kieron: Don’t worry, Leigh. We get Hate email for everything. Want me to prove it?
Kieron: The Witcher is rubbish.
Leigh: Let me try — FarCry is just a tech demo! Am I doing this right?
Kieron: I think piracy isn’t a real problem
Leigh: Ooh, ooh, I’ve got it — consoles are just way better.
Kieron: You understand far too well. Anyway – 0:18. Two people in the lift.
Leigh: Yes, the lift. But they’re both men. And one is short. Not hot.
Kieron: The one on the right is Tim Curry.
Leigh: Fer reals? I just got a thrill over Tim Curry, then. It’s outweighing my disapproval of this garbled german accent. See, because half the appeal of Germanic Darkness is the accent.
Kieron: You know, I think they’re meant to be commies.
Leigh: Gasp! Pinkoes! This offends my American sensibilities.
Kieron: But not in a sexy Nazi way?
Leigh: I’m more of a Hitler girl than a Stalin girl.
Kieron: Ah, isn’t it always the way. Press play! Let’s find more hotties.
Kieron: 0:32: I say not hot. great ‘tasche, but not hot. I don’t think he’s famous even.
Leigh: Yeah, this is some nobody. Pass.
Leigh: Oh, a scientist-chick, is it?
Kieron: I can’t work out if she’s hot or not
Leigh: Turning, with vigor, some sort of airlock? Yeah, she’s deliberately veiling her face from us. Not a good sign.
Kieron: I mean, I like her attitude Can-do. But she may be a man in drag
Leigh: See, on the console, in Metal Gear 4, they just cut straight to Naomi’s good bits.
Kieron: Are you disappointed we haven’t had a close up of a groin yet?
Leigh: Yeah. Crushingly.
Kieron: Press play and pause at 0:42
Kieron: There’s a great shot of a bust
Leigh: Gah! A bust!
Kieron: Foiled. Is Lenin sexy?
Leigh: You got me all excited, and no, Lenin is not.
Kieron: He’s sexier than Stalin
Leigh: Yeah, I’ll give him that.
Leigh: Where’s Mussolini? We need some Italian Stallion.
Kieron: Mussolini was not hot.
Leigh: Okay, at 0:50 — a trio of tub-tummies.
Leigh: What’s with the glasses?
Kieron: There’s a lot to hold there. He’s like a guy who’s in Devo, gone to seed.
Leigh: It makes me think he’s trying to see through that blonde chick’s coat. And the guy in the middle is all like “look, I have a sash, because I’m important.”
Kieron: He’s the beauty queen of orange county. Miss Congeniality.
Leigh: I wonder if he wears that during coitus.
Leigh: Oh, okay, 0:53 — Jenny McCarthy.
Kieron: Hmm She’s a special forces commando here.
Leigh: The power of next-gen graphics fails to make her look any fresher.
Kieron: I probably would, actually, but only because I was a teenager in the 90s, thus McCarthy fits into that part of my head. Weak.
Leigh: She does nothing for me.
Kieron: Forward slightly to 0:54 though…
Leigh: Oh, okay. She’s holding a big, black gun.
Kieron: Attached to her crotch
Leigh: That little snippet wasn’t heavy-handed or anything?
Kieron: Is there subtext here?
Leigh: Heavy-handedness is not hot.
Kieron: Sadly, for me, machineguns are hot
Leigh: Yes, guns are hot. And I’d buy McCarthy as a Special Forces Commander about as easily as I’d buy Napoleon as a man-tower. Napoleon was in WW2, right?
Kieron: Napoleon was one of the beaches they landed in Normandy. It was defended with Chaffinches, which is a type of cavalry.
Leigh: Oh, right, I was getting him confused with those flying guys from China
Kieron: It is hard. Try to keep up.
Leigh: Oh, there are robots in this, eh? Sometimes I think I’m watching WW2, and sometimes I think I’m watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, here. Where are the weeping children?
Kieron: [“Safely At Home” - Ed]. We probably can’t do that joke.
Leigh: Oh, hey, hello, 0:58
Kieron: Ah, the English. She’s Gemma Atkinson. She’s an English lady.
Leigh: Oh, what else is she in? I think I rawther like her.
Kieron: She’s glad to have us on board.
Leigh: I’m on board with you, Gemma. On board with rogering her under her knickers and snogging, or whatever it is you guys do.
Kieron: We hold hands and then get married and then procreate. For the good of the country
Leigh: Right, we uh, do that over here too.
Kieron: I would hope so.
Leigh: Oh, look, isn’t this the Pimp-The-Auto man? Or unpimp, even?
Kieron: I think Gemma has him beat.
Leigh: Oh yeah, he can’t compare.
Kieron: Sorry labcoat pimp guy
Leigh: Plus, I like the TV show Prison Break and he played some guy in the jail.
Kieron: Surely thats’ everyone in Prison Break?
Leigh: No, no, there are a few people who aren’t in the jail. This guy died, though.
Kieron: Man, SPOILERZ
Leigh: This was like LAST YEAR! OMG!
Leigh: Oh, hey, 1:02, it’s the shrink from Law and Order! And some other stuff.
Leigh: Nah, he’s not hot at all.
Kieron: Pah! This is weak?
Leigh: Except for those episodes where he’s psychoanalyzing a demented teen girl. With pale, trembling lips and murderous intent. And he’s asking her about her dark past. That’s pretty hot.
Kieron: The guy at 1:04 says something hot: “Are you ready to send those commies back to their mommies”
Leigh: Oh. God.
Leigh: Oop, 1:08, Jenny McCarthy is putting on the screws.
Leigh: Just so you know she’s more than just a hot bod.
Kieron: The dialogue is incredible. But is it hot? We’re not here to judge writing. Only hotness.
Leigh: I haven’t heard anything to titillate my ear yet.
Kieron: We’re already back to the guy inthe labcoat at 1:10 though. He seems to follow Jennie around like a less-attractive friend.
Leigh: Yeah, like the dork buddy waiting for a shot. While she goes through badboy after badboy, and he wonders, when will she ever realize that love’s been by her side all this time?
Leigh: 1:11 — Albert Einstein?
Kieron: Yes. Albert Einstein assassinated Hitler. It’s the plot of Red Alert. PC games are amazing.
Leigh: Are you serious? Don’t play with my heart, Gillen
Kieron: It’s true. PC games are amazing
Leigh: Wow, what have I missed while playing crap all my life
Kieron: I wrote an article trying to make sense of the Red Alert plot once. It’s apeshit. So – Einstein: Hot or not?
Leigh: Hot. Def.
Kieron: Seriously, if you don’t go for Einstein, you’re probably gay. Or straight. Whatever the other one to what you are, you are.
Leigh: Yeah. I mean, at least you could try to osmoses some of that genius Orally, or something.
Kieron: That’s how it works.
Leigh: Ooh, electric handshake.
Kieron: Oooh – electric. You’re right.
Leigh: Oooh yes
Kieron: I haven’t seen him before. Hot or not?
Kieron: I say not.
Kieron: Not after Einstein.
Leigh: Look at 1:17.
Kieron: Waitasec! 1:17 is a lady.
Leigh: Man, I love uniforms.
Kieron stares at the girl.
Leigh: Yeah. There we go. Allow me to say “Hey, Baby.”
Kieron: Is she famous?
Leigh: Hey, I dunno, they showed her too quickly
Leigh: This trailer is already leaving me wanting more
Kieron: Man, EA are amazing. They know exactly what to do.
Kieron: Oddly, they show her at 1:17 and by 1:18 they appear to have someone who looks like your granddad
Leigh: It keeps showing glimpses of sexy chicks while immediately following them with old, ugly dudes.
Leigh: This guy is un-doable.
Kieron: There’s a phrase which Charlie Brooker the UK writer used. He called it “the masturbation minefield”. The idea that it’s porn intercut with images of dead kids or whatever. So you’re constantly risking wanking over something unsavoury.
Leigh: You mean, to sprinkle the hot ladies intermittently about, among the craggy faces and white wildlands of old male visages? And what’s the good of that?
Kieron: It’s not. It’s a minefield. It’s designed to hurt.
Leigh: It sounds like being on 4chan. Uh, not that I visit that site for hours and wank — Moving on! The hot flight attendant is back!
Leigh: 1:22, I think.
Kieron: Yay, she’s back
Kieron: Did you catch anything they said then? About the Empire of the rising sun?
Leigh: Something about war and boobs
Kieron: “Something about war and boobs” is this article’s title
Leigh: I’m pretty sure there are subliminal messages woven into this heavy handed dialogue: “Navigate the minefield. There are old men boobs old men.”
Kieron: I think may just be unsubliminal messages,.
Leigh: I find it hard to believe these uniforms are proper military issue.
Kieron: Are you saying this isn’t a proper military simulation? PC games don’t do fantasy, Leigh
Leigh: That’s exactly what I’m saying. This is not the serious, stodgy military gaming experience I was promised under the hallmark of Rock Paper Shotgun. When do I get to move my units?
Kieron: You get to move your units after – ONLY AFTER – you do your economic reorganisation.
Leigh: Oh no, now they’re flashing people too fast
Kieron: 1:25 is too fast for me to decide. I think it’s hot-not-hot
Leigh: I caught a glimpse of a particular fetish of mine, though: The red beret.
Kieron: There’s berets to come. I know this.
Leigh: 1:27! A beret!
Kieron: Shit , there’s some more.
Leigh: And a big, big gun! And midriff!
Kieron: Man, it’s like a jackpot
Leigh: Everything but her face, alas. And there is a dude with a huge, huge ‘tache
Kieron: With a midriff?
Leigh: Does everyone in this have awful hair?
Kieron: Because it’s War. The first casualty of war is haircare.
Kieron: 1:28. A new person!
Leigh: Oh, is she meant to be Japanese?
Kieron: She might be from the Empire of the Rising Sun
Leigh: Man, no Yuko Ogura. I also have a preference, like most internet denizens, for properly Japanese ladies. And this is more like “Hi, I’m vaguely exotic and speaking with a fake accent.”
Kieron: Are you sure you’re not on 4chan?
Leigh: Uh, no.
Kieron: You are on 4chan!
Leigh: No, I — you’ll make me break all the Rules!
Kieron: Oh – 1:33
Leigh: A proper SHOGUN type with a spooky voice. But man, anime has taught me so much about how Japanese men look and this just doesn’t jive with that at all.
Kieron: You have been ruined through your consumed culture
Leigh: Yeah, I am. Ruined. I’d be lucky to get ‘tacheman for a love-partner.
Kieron: Who would you have cast in this part?
Leigh: An anime character. With a dark past. And rangy, long limbs and a crooked grin.
Kieron: Ooh. Mysterious.
Leigh: Yeah, see, I like mystery.
Kieron: You’re deep like that. I just like cleavage and insecurity.
Kieron: Anyway – 1:36
Leigh: All the old guys are making horrified faces at the Scary Man’s proclamation.
Kieron: Told you! It’s Tim Curry.
Leigh: He’s not hot like this. Sorry, Tim Curry.
Kieron: He’s at home just going “shit!”
Leigh: Yeah, not very mysterious.
Kieron: But is Tim Curry hotter than the other two old guys?
Leigh: No. I think the bald one is the best. He’s got a sloe-eyed kinda look.
Kieron: Sorry, Tim Curry.
Leigh: Sorry, Tim, yeah.
Leigh: Ooh, here come the Units. These are sexy.
Kieron: They are so hot
Leigh: This part is the biggest turn-on so far.
Kieron: They could have at least ended with some hotttness. But only tanks.
Leigh: What, and I get the splash screen at 1:55 already?
Kieron: What an anticlimax.
Leigh: But my video player says I have ten more seconds! Ten seconds of staring at EA copyright, that’s pretty sexy. Oh, EA, take over my world.
Kieron: Is DMA sexy?
Kieron: Er… DRM.
Leigh: Uh – no? Down with IP protection!
Kieron: The RPS comments thread will love you.
Leigh: Of course, I am a girl, and they are just PC gamers, who everyone knows are desperate, overweight males. It’s practically guaranteed.
Kieron: LEIGH! Leave our readers alone, you big meanie.
Leigh: I was joking! See, I try to be mysterious, and then — I’m heavy handed, my charm flashes by before anyone can even look at it, and it was neither very funny nor very successful. Just like this trailer.
Kieron: You will confuse our readers. They only know western RPGs.
Leigh: What’s a “western RPG”?
Kieron: It’s one with actual game in there as well as hairspray.
Leigh: The flight attendant girl — that gets my vote.
Kieron: She did get the best showing. I wish I saw more of the one which Walker fancied.
Leigh: Which one does Walker fancy?
Kieron: The one with the red beret
Leigh: Oh, she had a bit of a bulldog face as far as I can scope. Perhaps Walker can tug her beret down over said face.
Kieron: She’s apparently an American Gladiator girl
Leigh: Yeah, I’m not into Gladiators.
Kieron: She so will kick the shit out of you for saying that. You heard.
Leigh: Pff, I’m a game journalist. Let the bitch bring it.
Kieron: And I’ll consider that an official challenge. RPS will bring you the main event next week. Thanks, Leigh!
And in conclusion: Don’t drink booze.