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Red Alert 3 Trailer Analysis: “War and Boobs”
Written by Kieron Gillen on August 21, 2008 at 4:14 pm.
You may have noticed that with Red Alert 3 EA are pressing the button marked “Sex” as if it were a magical device which ejaculated streams of money. Which it may well be. Now that they’ve actually released details of the full cast, being a serious games site, I thought it of critical importance we analysed whether by spending such tall-dollars they’ve managed to succeed in titilating us. I called the undisputed Miss Sex of videogame journalism, Gamasutra and Sexyvideogameland’s Leigh Alexander, and we went through the trailer together, deciding who was hot and who was not. You might be surprised by the results. You may not be surprised to discover I was drinking.
If you can’t be bothered downloading the High Definition video, here’s the whole video. Play along at home, or just stare at our painstakingly collected array of grabs.
Kieron: Okay - before we start: Leigh Alexander! Welcome to RPS. Just to let people understand your critical faculties, what do you look for in a sexy person? Personally, I look for low self-esteem and standards.
Leigh: Well, Kieron Gillen, I look for… general sexiness, and uh… non-ugliness. Being a jerk is hot, too.
Kieron: You like Jim?
Leigh: Oh now, you promised you wouldn’t spring these things on me.
Kieron: No I didn’t. I made no such promise.
Leigh: Great, and now I’m trapped. Damn you. I have very low self esteem, you know. And low standards.
Kieron: Man, don’t tempt me, you temptress. Let’s play the video.
Leigh: Okay!
Kieron: 00:11. Pause. Do you find the EA logo hot? I don’t really.
Leigh: Wait, yeah, I was still becoming hot and bothered over the Empire’s logo. It’s like when the Death Star cruises onto the screen. Chills.
Kieron: I understand. Or at least, I pretend to.
Leigh: You know, in the way that Nazi uniforms are hot? But we’re not supposed to think so?
Kieron: I bet Nazis thought it hot.
Leigh: Oh, are these Nazis here, in this elevator at 0:18?
Kieron: Yeah - I was about to say that. There’s Nazis.
Leigh: See, because I’m so rarely playing games on PC, my education in war history has languished.
Kieron: I’ll help. There was WW2. And it has gone on for 80 years, or so it seems. It will never end.
Leigh: See, this game would already win so many points with me if it had a character customizer. Dress and undress the she-wolves of the S.S. Okay, so we know the Nazis are sexy — am I going to get hate mail for this?
Kieron: Don’t worry, Leigh. We get Hate email for everything. Want me to prove it?
Leigh: Yes!
Kieron: The Witcher is rubbish.
Leigh: Let me try — FarCry is just a tech demo! Am I doing this right?
Kieron: I think piracy isn’t a real problem
Leigh: Ooh, ooh, I’ve got it — consoles are just way better.
Kieron: You understand far too well. Anyway - 0:18. Two people in the lift.
Leigh: Yes, the lift. But they’re both men. And one is short. Not hot.
Kieron: The one on the right is Tim Curry.
Leigh: Fer reals? I just got a thrill over Tim Curry, then. It’s outweighing my disapproval of this garbled german accent. See, because half the appeal of Germanic Darkness is the accent.
Kieron: You know, I think they’re meant to be commies.
Leigh: Gasp! Pinkoes! This offends my American sensibilities.
Kieron: But not in a sexy Nazi way?
Leigh: I’m more of a Hitler girl than a Stalin girl.
Kieron: Ah, isn’t it always the way. Press play! Let’s find more hotties.
Kieron: 0:32: I say not hot. great ‘tasche, but not hot. I don’t think he’s famous even.
Leigh: Yeah, this is some nobody. Pass.
Kieron: Onwards
Leigh: Oh, a scientist-chick, is it?
Kieron: I can’t work out if she’s hot or not
Leigh: Turning, with vigor, some sort of airlock? Yeah, she’s deliberately veiling her face from us. Not a good sign.
Kieron: I mean, I like her attitude Can-do. But she may be a man in drag
Leigh: See, on the console, in Metal Gear 4, they just cut straight to Naomi’s good bits.
Kieron: Are you disappointed we haven’t had a close up of a groin yet?
Leigh: Yeah. Crushingly.
Kieron: Press play and pause at 0:42
Kieron: There’s a great shot of a bust
Leigh: Gah! A bust!
Kieron: Foiled. Is Lenin sexy?
Leigh: You got me all excited, and no, Lenin is not.
Kieron: He’s sexier than Stalin
Leigh: Yeah, I’ll give him that.
Leigh: Where’s Mussolini? We need some Italian Stallion.
Kieron: Mussolini was not hot.
Leigh: Okay, at 0:50 — a trio of tub-tummies.
Kieron: God.
Leigh: What’s with the glasses?
Kieron: There’s a lot to hold there. He’s like a guy who’s in Devo, gone to seed.
Leigh: It makes me think he’s trying to see through that blonde chick’s coat. And the guy in the middle is all like “look, I have a sash, because I’m important.”
Kieron: He’s the beauty queen of orange county. Miss Congeniality.
Leigh: I wonder if he wears that during coitus.
Leigh: Oh, okay, 0:53 — Jenny McCarthy.
Kieron: Hmm She’s a special forces commando here.
Leigh: The power of next-gen graphics fails to make her look any fresher.
Kieron: I probably would, actually, but only because I was a teenager in the 90s, thus McCarthy fits into that part of my head. Weak.
Leigh: She does nothing for me.
Kieron: Forward slightly to 0:54 though…
Leigh: Oh, okay. She’s holding a big, black gun.
Kieron: Attached to her crotch
Leigh: That little snippet wasn’t heavy-handed or anything?
Kieron: Is there subtext here?
Leigh: Heavy-handedness is not hot.
Kieron: Sadly, for me, machineguns are hot
Leigh: Yes, guns are hot. And I’d buy McCarthy as a Special Forces Commander about as easily as I’d buy Napoleon as a man-tower. Napoleon was in WW2, right?
Kieron: Napoleon was one of the beaches they landed in Normandy. It was defended with Chaffinches, which is a type of cavalry.
Leigh: Oh, right, I was getting him confused with those flying guys from China
Kieron: It is hard. Try to keep up.
Leigh: Oh, there are robots in this, eh? Sometimes I think I’m watching WW2, and sometimes I think I’m watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, here. Where are the weeping children?
Kieron: [“Safely At Home” - Ed]. We probably can’t do that joke.
Leigh: Oh, hey, hello, 0:58
Kieron: Ah, the English. She’s Gemma Atkinson. She’s an English lady.
Leigh: Oh, what else is she in? I think I rawther like her.
Kieron: She’s glad to have us on board.
Leigh: I’m on board with you, Gemma. On board with rogering her under her knickers and snogging, or whatever it is you guys do.
Kieron: We hold hands and then get married and then procreate. For the good of the country
Leigh: Right, we uh, do that over here too.
Kieron: I would hope so.
Kieron: 1:00
Leigh: Oh, look, isn’t this the Pimp-The-Auto man? Or unpimp, even?
Kieron: I think Gemma has him beat.
Leigh: Oh yeah, he can’t compare.
Kieron: Sorry labcoat pimp guy
Leigh: Plus, I like the TV show Prison Break and he played some guy in the jail.
Kieron: Surely thats’ everyone in Prison Break?
Leigh: No, no, there are a few people who aren’t in the jail. This guy died, though.
Kieron: Man, SPOILERZ
Leigh: This was like LAST YEAR! OMG!
Leigh: Oh, hey, 1:02, it’s the shrink from Law and Order! And some other stuff.
Kieron: Hot?
Leigh: Nah, he’s not hot at all.
Kieron: Pah! This is weak?
Leigh: Except for those episodes where he’s psychoanalyzing a demented teen girl. With pale, trembling lips and murderous intent. And he’s asking her about her dark past. That’s pretty hot.
Kieron: The guy at 1:04 says something hot: “Are you ready to send those commies back to their mommies”
Leigh: Oh. God.
Leigh: Oop, 1:08, Jenny McCarthy is putting on the screws.
Leigh: Just so you know she’s more than just a hot bod.
Kieron: The dialogue is incredible. But is it hot? We’re not here to judge writing. Only hotness.
Leigh: I haven’t heard anything to titillate my ear yet.
Kieron: We’re already back to the guy inthe labcoat at 1:10 though. He seems to follow Jennie around like a less-attractive friend.
Leigh: Yeah, like the dork buddy waiting for a shot. While she goes through badboy after badboy, and he wonders, when will she ever realize that love’s been by her side all this time?
Leigh: 1:11 — Albert Einstein?
Kieron: Yes. Albert Einstein assassinated Hitler. It’s the plot of Red Alert. PC games are amazing.
Leigh: Are you serious? Don’t play with my heart, Gillen
Kieron: It’s true. PC games are amazing
Leigh: Wow, what have I missed while playing crap all my life
Kieron: I wrote an article trying to make sense of the Red Alert plot once. It’s apeshit. So - Einstein: Hot or not?
Leigh: Hot. Def.
Kieron: Seriously, if you don’t go for Einstein, you’re probably gay. Or straight. Whatever the other one to what you are, you are.
Leigh: Yeah. I mean, at least you could try to osmoses some of that genius Orally, or something.
Kieron: That’s how it works.
Kieron: 1:15
Leigh: Ooh, electric handshake.
Kieron: Oooh - electric. You’re right.
Leigh: Oooh yes
Kieron: I haven’t seen him before. Hot or not?
Kieron: I say not.
Kieron: Not after Einstein.
Leigh: Look at 1:17.
Kieron: Waitasec! 1:17 is a lady.
Leigh: Man, I love uniforms.
Kieron stares at the girl.
Leigh: Yeah. There we go. Allow me to say “Hey, Baby.”
Kieron: Is she famous?
Leigh: Hey, I dunno, they showed her too quickly
Kieron: Yeah
Leigh: This trailer is already leaving me wanting more
Kieron: Man, EA are amazing. They know exactly what to do.
Kieron: Oddly, they show her at 1:17 and by 1:18 they appear to have someone who looks like your granddad
Leigh: It keeps showing glimpses of sexy chicks while immediately following them with old, ugly dudes.
Leigh: This guy is un-doable.
Kieron: There’s a phrase which Charlie Brooker the UK writer used. He called it “the masturbation minefield”. The idea that it’s porn intercut with images of dead kids or whatever. So you’re constantly risking wanking over something unsavoury.
Leigh: You mean, to sprinkle the hot ladies intermittently about, among the craggy faces and white wildlands of old male visages? And what’s the good of that?
Kieron: It’s not. It’s a minefield. It’s designed to hurt.
Leigh: It sounds like being on 4chan. Uh, not that I visit that site for hours and wank — Moving on! The hot flight attendant is back!
Leigh: 1:22, I think.
Kieron: Yay, she’s back
Kieron: Did you catch anything they said then? About the Empire of the rising sun?
Leigh: Something about war and boobs
Kieron: “Something about war and boobs” is this article’s title
Leigh: I’m pretty sure there are subliminal messages woven into this heavy handed dialogue: “Navigate the minefield. There are old men boobs old men.”
Kieron: I think may just be unsubliminal messages,.
Leigh: I find it hard to believe these uniforms are proper military issue.
Kieron: Are you saying this isn’t a proper military simulation? PC games don’t do fantasy, Leigh
Leigh: That’s exactly what I’m saying. This is not the serious, stodgy military gaming experience I was promised under the hallmark of Rock Paper Shotgun. When do I get to move my units?
Kieron: You get to move your units after - ONLY AFTER - you do your economic reorganisation.
Leigh: Oh no, now they’re flashing people too fast
Kieron: 1:25 is too fast for me to decide. I think it’s hot-not-hot
Leigh: I caught a glimpse of a particular fetish of mine, though: The red beret.
Kieron: There’s berets to come. I know this.
Leigh: 1:27! A beret!
Kieron: Shit , there’s some more.
Leigh: And a big, big gun! And midriff!
Kieron: Man, it’s like a jackpot
Leigh: Everything but her face, alas. And there is a dude with a huge, huge ‘tache
Kieron: With a midriff?
Leigh: Does everyone in this have awful hair?
Kieron: Because it’s War. The first casualty of war is haircare.
Kieron: 1:28. A new person!
Leigh: Oh, is she meant to be Japanese?
Kieron: She might be from the Empire of the Rising Sun
Leigh: Man, no Yuko Ogura. I also have a preference, like most internet denizens, for properly Japanese ladies. And this is more like “Hi, I’m vaguely exotic and speaking with a fake accent.”
Kieron: Are you sure you’re not on 4chan?
Leigh: Uh, no.
Kieron: You are on 4chan!
Leigh: No, I — you’ll make me break all the Rules!
Kieron: MAN!
Kieron: Oh - 1:33
Leigh: A proper SHOGUN type with a spooky voice. But man, anime has taught me so much about how Japanese men look and this just doesn’t jive with that at all.
Kieron: You have been ruined through your consumed culture
Leigh: Yeah, I am. Ruined. I’d be lucky to get ‘tacheman for a love-partner.
Kieron: Who would you have cast in this part?
Leigh: An anime character. With a dark past. And rangy, long limbs and a crooked grin.
Kieron: Ooh. Mysterious.
Leigh: Yeah, see, I like mystery.
Kieron: You’re deep like that. I just like cleavage and insecurity.
Kieron: Anyway - 1:36
Leigh: All the old guys are making horrified faces at the Scary Man’s proclamation.
Kieron: Told you! It’s Tim Curry.
Leigh: He’s not hot like this. Sorry, Tim Curry.
Kieron: He’s at home just going “shit!”
Leigh: Yeah, not very mysterious.
Kieron: But is Tim Curry hotter than the other two old guys?
Leigh: No. I think the bald one is the best. He’s got a sloe-eyed kinda look.
Kieron: Sorry, Tim Curry.
Leigh: Sorry, Tim, yeah.
Leigh: Ooh, here come the Units. These are sexy.
Kieron: They are so hot
Leigh: This part is the biggest turn-on so far.
Kieron: They could have at least ended with some hotttness. But only tanks.
Leigh: What, and I get the splash screen at 1:55 already?
Kieron: What an anticlimax.
Leigh: But my video player says I have ten more seconds! Ten seconds of staring at EA copyright, that’s pretty sexy. Oh, EA, take over my world.
Kieron: Is DMA sexy?
Leigh: Sure.
Kieron: Er… DRM.
Leigh: Uh – no? Down with IP protection!
Kieron: The RPS comments thread will love you.
Leigh: Of course, I am a girl, and they are just PC gamers, who everyone knows are desperate, overweight males. It’s practically guaranteed.
Kieron: LEIGH! Leave our readers alone, you big meanie.
Leigh: I was joking! See, I try to be mysterious, and then — I’m heavy handed, my charm flashes by before anyone can even look at it, and it was neither very funny nor very successful. Just like this trailer.
Kieron: You will confuse our readers. They only know western RPGs.
Leigh: What’s a “western RPG”?
Kieron: It’s one with actual game in there as well as hairspray.
Leigh: The flight attendant girl — that gets my vote.
Kieron: She did get the best showing. I wish I saw more of the one which Walker fancied.
Leigh: Which one does Walker fancy?
Kieron: The one with the red beret
Leigh: Oh, she had a bit of a bulldog face as far as I can scope. Perhaps Walker can tug her beret down over said face.
Kieron: She’s apparently an American Gladiator girl
Leigh: Yeah, I’m not into Gladiators.
Kieron: She so will kick the shit out of you for saying that. You heard.
Leigh: Pff, I’m a game journalist. Let the bitch bring it.
Kieron: And I’ll consider that an official challenge. RPS will bring you the main event next week. Thanks, Leigh!
And in conclusion: Don’t drink booze.
Related Stories:
- Red Alert 3: Dance Remix Party Fun Time
- Jenny McCarthy Has A Warrior Inside Her
- Red Alert 3: “Make-up makes foes ill-at-ease”
Comment on this story — Share/save/Digg this story
Tags: DUNK!, feature, Leigh Alexander, Red Alert 3
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« Steps Towards An Elitist Critic Future | Wrath Of The Lich King: He’s Angry Alright »
CrashT says:
“ejaculated streams of money” Well not quite, did somebody fail to teach you about the birds and the bees Kieron?
August 21st, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Jae Armstrong says:
More like this, please. 
Also, Gemma Atkinson wins hands down.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Flubb says:
++ gratuitiousnessnessness
August 21st, 2008 at 4:34 pm
357SIG says:
I call foul, Tim curry should have won this.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Fumarole says:
War and Boobs - two great tastes that taste great together.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:37 pm
John Walker says:
I would just like to publically apologise to all our readers for this pair of buffoons’ inability to recognise JONATHAN PRYCE. Good grief. I’m ashamed to be working with them. Clearly the sexiest man in the whole thing.
And Leigh clearly hates Jenny McCarthy because she’s never had her own sitcom.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:37 pm
shon says:
I have never had the least bit of interest in C&C but that trailer was insane. I want to play the game just to see wtf is going on. Were the other games this crazy?
August 21st, 2008 at 4:40 pm
sinister agent says:
More scripts in future, please. This was excellent.
Some very convincing military bearings in there. Well done, EA.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:41 pm
357SIG says:
I would just like to publically apologise to all our readers for this pair of buffoons’ inability to recognise JONATHAN PRYCE
FOR SHAME…..
Also what is that rifle? It’s like a gigantic SVD-FAL hybrid.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Ian says:
“Great stuff. RPS needs more Leigh Alexander.”
I concur.
Although being PC gamers, she naturally terrifies us.
After all, we’re scared of women with boobies.
And exercise.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Cooper says:
@Shon:
Yes. Red Alert 2 was apeshit-on-the-wall crazy
That trailer did exactly what the C&C3 trailer did. I now want. - Want. Want. Want.
C&C was always first and foremost about the crazy b-movie sci-fi story. I don;t care that it’s actually a good game. Bring me the alternative-demension-communist-russia fetish gear
August 21st, 2008 at 4:44 pm
The Poisoned Sponge says:
Is Jonathan Pyrce the bloke from Tomorrow Never Dies where he played a newspaper guy ala Rupert Murdoc.. except he had some crazy stealth plane and a evil satellite? Because if you mean the bloke who plays the newspaper guy in Spiderman then the other big name is the Tomorrow Never Dies bloke…. man, I really should do more wikipedia for posts like this.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:44 pm
CrashT says:
@shon: Oh god yes. I mean time travel, armoured bears and telepathically controlled giant squid.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:44 pm
ImperialCreed says:
I love the fact Gillen went from Highbrow Critical Manifesto in the last post straight into Drunkenly Flirting With Leigh Alexander in this one. He’s a man for all seasons.
And you’re right John, Pryce is is clearly the sexiest man in the whole thing. I hardly recognised Kelly Hu, she was Deathstrike in X-Men 2…
August 21st, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Feet says:
^_^
August 21st, 2008 at 4:58 pm
JonFitt says:
Brilliant.
But clearly Gemma Atkinson.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:58 pm
357SIG says:
Is nobody going mention fucking George “Sulu” Takei?
SHHHHH the women in the pictures might hear you.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:02 pm
sinister agent says:
Is nobody going mention fucking George “Sulu” Takei?
We are not the kiss and tell sort, sir.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:03 pm
EyeMessiah says:
Dammit I wanted to be the JONATHAN PRYCE Angry Man.
Hello?? Brazil??
Also I saw Devo this year, and they had most definately not gone to seed.
Also what was the censored joke?
Something to do with garry glitter & NGE??
Also I didn’t really enjoy this article. Normally I wouldn’t say, but if everyone else got to comment that they liked it then what the hell eh?
August 21st, 2008 at 5:58 pm
dhex says:
never played red alert and never will, but that was hilarious. bravo!
can we get some more of these “mock the trailer” features? they already provide most of their own punchlines.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Beefeater says:
Fortunately for Kelly Hu, she’s basically American. If a mainland Chinese actress got dressed up to look vaguely hot in a WW2 Japanese uniform she’d be torn to bits by the media and get hate mail from 1.2 billion angry netizens.
(well, that’s what happened to Zhao Wei, the last girl who did it, who nearly lost her career over the controversy)
August 21st, 2008 at 6:03 pm
X23 says:
I’ve only seen Jonathan Pryce in Brazil, but I really liked him in that. What a great movie
August 21st, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Thingus says:
I think you should combine your preferences, and agree in ‘insecure mysterious cleavage’.
Also, did anyone else… misinterpret the pic at 1:08?
August 21st, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Beefeater says:
Fortunately for Kelly Hu, she’s basically American. If a mainland Chinese actress got dressed up to look vaguely hot in a WW2 Japanese uniform she’d be torn to bits by the media and get hate mail from 1.2 billion angry netizens.
(well, that’s what happened to Zhao Wei, the last girl who did it, who nearly lost her career over the controversy)
August 21st, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Different Alex says:
Hilariously awesome drunkenness. But remember, kids, drink more responsibly than Kieron.
And now I want to rewatch that Deus Ex video again. “Old men.”
August 21st, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Pew says:
What is this now, Leigh moves from Dtoid to Kotaku to RPS? Madness I say!
I guess time will tell… sooner or later… time will tell.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:17 pm
mathew says:
Oh man!
This article would have been pretty different had I wrote it! I’d have spent the whole time talking about how remarkable the (male) cast is in general — Jonathan Pryce, JK Simmons, Tim Curry, George Takei and fucking Peter Stormare!
That’s probably the film journalist in me, though.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Vollgassen says:
:\
August 21st, 2008 at 6:38 pm
cyrenic says:
I want to think Kieron wrote this and his Critical Manifesto all in the same drunken binge.
Also, sinister agent wins the comments for the day.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Shadowmancer says:
Link to vid please, the red alert 3 expansion should bring back Yuri he was fucking awesome as a baddy.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Jubaal says:
Nice article. I loled a bit in my pants.
Edit: Ah yes, what a great film Brazil is. You kinda forget De Niro was in it.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Larington says:
“and they are just PC gamers, who everyone knows are desperate, overweight males.”
I can confirm thats not entirely true, some of us are desperate, underweight males.
Too much gaming, not enough real food.
Still desperate though. ;-(
August 21st, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Lightbulb says:
With most of those girls what you see is what you get. I’ve already see Gemma Atkinson practically naked, the other girls are just too in your face.
The sexiest? Clearly the girl in the lab coat - what you can’t see is sexier than what you can. This is why Audrey Hepburn is sexier than Paris Hilton (http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-03/31/xinsrc_52203033109449371583310.jpg) (work safe link).
Theres a grief glimpse of her legs but the coat hides the figure. Its enticing where the other girls are obvious.
Just my 2 cents.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Turin Turambar says:
BTW, a question to the RPS staff. What is happening with the non-coverage of the GC08? I want to know about a lot of pc games shown there, looking at this list:
1C
* Cryostasis
* Men of War
* NecroVisioN
* Captain Blood
* Death Track: Resurrection
* King’s Bounty: The Legend
Akella
* PT Boats: Knights of the Sea
* A Stroke of Fate
* Heavy Duty
* Moscow Racer
* Disciples III: Renaissance
* Showdown: Scorpion
* Night Watcher
* Numen: Contest of Heroes
Atari
* The Witcher: Enhanced Edition
* GTR Evolution
Buka Entertainment
* Chronostorm: Siberian Strike
* Man of Prey
* Kolobok: The Game
* Collapse
* The Hunt
* The Swarm
* Sledgehammer
Deep Silver
* Sacred 2: Fallen Angel
* S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky
* X3: Terran Conflict
Electronic Arts
* Command & Conquer: Alarmstufe Rot 3
* Left 4 Dead
* BattleForge
JoWooD
* Gothic 3: Gotterdammerung
* Gothic 4
Paradox Interactive
* Majesty 2 – The Fantasy Kingdom Sim
* Project Mayhem
* Dark Horizon
* Mount & Blade
* Elven Legacy
Peter Games / HMH Interactive
* Armed Assault 2
Play Ten Interactive
* White Gold
* Precursors
Warner Bros.
* Project Origin
Zuxxez
* Two Worlds: The Temptation
August 21st, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Oldats says:
I always love the Red Alert series’ FMV sequences; this one is no different. Every time I see Jonathan Pryce though, I think of his role in “Ronin”.
From my experience in the beta, I think RA fans will enjoy this “War & Boobs” edition.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Jae Armstrong says:
@Turin Turambar
Your list’s out of date on at least one count; P’dox’s “Project Mayhem” has been revealed to be Hearts of Iron 3. 
August 21st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Klepackage says:
The “winner” is Ivana_Milicevic.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivana_Milicevic
I needed a lot more Gina Carano (Russian sniper w/ midriff) and Gemma Atkinson, less Jenny McCarthy.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Turin Turambar says:
And yes, those damn nazis had a good taste with uniforms.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Turin Turambar says:
@Jae Armstrong:
I knew about HoI3. I just copied and pasted the list from another site!
August 21st, 2008 at 7:01 pm
We couldn’t make it to Leipzig this year, is the short answer. Long story. We’ll do some round-up posts soon though.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Kieron Gillen says:
cyrenic: You’ll be correct. Both came from the same bottle of wine. It was a good vintage.
KG
August 21st, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Swyyw says:
What? Jonathan Pryce ? You sir ? The others I would understand… but you? No! You can’t do this !! The infamy ! I who hoped James Earl Jones would be the last to go through this…
August 21st, 2008 at 7:21 pm
phil says:
America Prez J.K. Simmons, in full Schillinger mode, would happily break, mount and brand Swastikas onto the rear ends of the entire cast, including the armoured bears. The man is hot, providing the we define ‘hot’ has utterly, almost supernaturally, terrifying.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:21 pm
phuzz says:
I’m insulted! I’m a desperate underweight male thankyouverymuch.
must agree tho, more like this in future, although I like to think that KC wrote his manifesto in a drunken rage after being politely but firmly knocked back by Leigh.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Master Builder says:
John Walker said: “I would just like to publically apologise to all our readers for this pair of buffoons’ inability to recognise JONATHAN PRYCE”.
I was thinking exactly the same thing! For shame forsooth!
Also…
Phuzz said: “being politely but firmly knocked back by Leigh”
Are we to see this on 4chan then?
August 21st, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Xerxes says:
No Tanya?
Bring back Kari Wuhrer!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DT78QMR5DBc
August 21st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
MetalCircus says:
Is that George Takei?! If it is i’m fucking buying this.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:33 pm
SenatorPalpatine says:
George Takei ftw!!!
You guys didn’t even recognize Sulu. For shame…
August 21st, 2008 at 7:46 pm
mathew says:
I was at Leipzig GC but only for the first day, and to be completely honest wasn’t really in the mood for it.
It’s a *really* good place if you want to see PC games, it seems, though.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Ryan M. says:
THIS is why I love RPS. Hilarious and informative at the same time. Bravo, Kieron and Liegh (and cheap white wine and hobnobs?) =)
August 21st, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Okami says:
@Turin Turambar: I was at GC yesterday, so until RPS post their round up, I can tell you my impressions:
1C
* King’s Bounty: The Legend
They just had two PCs running it and both had guys sitting there playing. The game looks really colorfull and nice and everything. But GC isn’t really the place where you play an epic turn-based fantasy SRPG. Oh, the main map, where you move your hero is in real-time by the way. They had my favorite brand of candies there and I helped myself to quite a few of them, so I now feel morally compelled to buy their game.
Atari
* The Witcher: Enhanced Edition
I couldn’t find them. I looked for them in the business center, because the last few years the devs allways had polish beer, that they would give away to anybody asking them. This time I had to turn to the Noika bus outside the convention centre for free beer.
Deep Silver
* Sacred 2: Fallen Angel
I’m afraid I don’t like it. Which is a shame, because the people who made the game are a great bunch. I didn’t really understand what was going on, the interface seemed a bit cluttered and the graphics didn’t seem right somehow. Lst time I saw the game in action, it actually looked better than now. The camera is a bit too close to the action for my tastes as well. Last time I saw the game you could zoom out a bit more - I guess they’ve got performance issues, they couldn’t really fix. A shame really.
* S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky
It’s Stalker. With a better inventory interface. And a lot of text. Really, lots and lots of text. The game is gorgeous, but I don’t like their vegetation - it looks very pixelish (which isn’t a word) and I’m kinda spoiled by Crysis, when it comes to moving through dense underbrush. Also, Stalker isn’t the kind of game you can really appreciate just by playing it for a few minutes at a tradeshow.
Electronic Arts
* Left 4 Dead
I didn’t play it, but all my friends did and I’ve been told that it’s all kinds of awesome. Lot of little details and nuances in the gameplay (you allways know where your friends are for example) left them very impressed.
* BattleForge
Played it for a few minutes. Those gigantic monsters look really impressive and are nicely animated and seeing them charge into dozens of smaller units and just smashing them away sure looks impressive.
Also: Phenomic finally have something that can be called a distinctive art style. Not sure if I like it, but at least it’s recognizable and not as generic as Spellforce. The gameplay that I saw was pretty much standard RTS fare, but you use cards to summon units. Guess balancing will make or break this game.
JoWooD
* Gothic 3: Gotterdammerung
Went into their booth, looked at the game, realized that I hate Gothic 3 and left.
Didn’t really play any of the other games on your list.
But:
I did play Far Cry 2. You can’t kill those antilopes/gazelles whatever those strange looking vaguely cow like african animals are called. This might have been because I played the game with a really crappy joypad that made aiming allmost impossible. Or maybe it was because the SMG I used to shoot those buggers jamed every second shot. The gun looked a bit rusted, so I hope that you can find better guns that don’t jam as often. Or maybe the developers fear the wrath of militant animal rights activists and made all the animals immortals.
I was able to kill some enemies though. At least I think they were enemies, they had weapons and started shooting at me, after I shot at one of them, so I guess this makes them enemies. Other interesting features. The screen turns blurry when you run around in the sunlight for too long. At least I think that’s what happened. At one point I passed out in the dessert an then reawoke somewhere else.
And one time I was killed by an enemy, the screen turned blurry, the face of a beautifull semi-black woman appeared and she carried me off. Then something else happened, but I was distracted by my friend who was making snide remarks on my shooter skills. Then the black woman carried me back to where I was and shot at someone. I think he was an enemy and I think he was lying on the ground. I proceeded to shoot at people and hit absolutely nothing, while the mysterious woman killed everybody else. I don’t know what happened after that, because my friend took the joypad from me and started to set fire to everything in the vicinity.
EDIT: I also saw Paul Barnett. He was sitting in front of the Warhammer Booth. He even talked to me and said: “The entrance is down there.” I wanted to tell him, that I would gladly pay 15€ a month, just to hear him talk, because he is awesome but then decided against it. I’ve got enough restraining orders and don’t need any new ones..
August 21st, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Piispa says:
No hotness for JK Simmons?! Oh, the shame… the shame on you!
August 21st, 2008 at 8:44 pm
MisterBritish says:
The sexual sub-text is sizzling!
And in the game!
August 21st, 2008 at 8:57 pm
EyeMessiah says:
I feel sick.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Josh says:
You two recognize Tim Curry right off the bat but not George Takei? It’s George Takei! They couldn’t possibly have got a better Japanese guy to do the role. None of them speak English well enough!
Well, maybe Sonny Chiba.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Kareem says:
Josh: they didn’t even recognize the dude from Spiderman!
August 21st, 2008 at 10:36 pm
feffrey says:
The story is pretty awesome though
Einstein invents a time machine called the Chronosphere to go back into time to kill Hitler in order to prevent WW2, among other things
By him simply touching Hitler, he disintegrates (Something to do with people from alternate dimensions touching each other I think) and Einstein goes back to the present.
In the present (1940’s-ish) Russia invades Europe w/o a strong Germany to check them.
Allies manage to win the war with some of Einstein awesome weapons, like the Cronosphere, capable of teleporting tanks across the world etc.
From here it goes 2 ways
before Red Alert 2, the RA universe eventually mergers with the Tiberium, Dawn, Sun, Wars, etc, however with RA2 the story is severed and they now exist in sep universes. (If you watch the last vid in red alert 1 on either the Soviets win or Allies win Kane is in it)
For a great story interlocking them together read this
http://www.gamefaqs.com/computer/doswin/file/196962/13721
With them separated now, RA2 happens and allies win. And Yuri is defeated again after screwing with the timeline.
In RA3 Russia invents a time machine to kill Einstein (after he killed Hitler) and by someone touching Einstein he is now dead.
However RA 1 and RA2 both end in Allied victories either way
Now through their meddling has somehow created the empire of the Rising Sun
Also EA has all the videos from all the C&C games.
http://www.ea.com/cncmovies/
August 21st, 2008 at 10:39 pm
game-SAGA says:
So this is what happens when you cross RTS with b-list actors and a mountain of high-grade Colombian cocaine.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Gap Gen says:
Red Alert 3 says:
Men - older, but clearly recognisable as actors
Women - boobs, with almost no acting credentials
Thank heavens for the progressive 21st century!
August 21st, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Arnulf says:
Where is the rate-up button for this?
August 21st, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Funky Badger says:
Big Vern is giving me the Fear. Again.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:56 pm
The_B says:
@ The Poisoned Sponge: Yeah, Pryce is the guy that was the baddie in Tomorrow Never Dies. The Spiderman guy is JK Simmons. And yeah - I am dissapointed there was no recognition for Sulu.
But Gillen, I’m shocked. You’ve done stuff for Marvel now and you still didn’t recognise Kelly Hu (X Men 2) and JK Simmons (Spiderman)?
Pre-Sunday-Fail.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Him says:
Definitely needs moar Leigh Alexander.
Also, will you be under the usual NDA restrictions regarding the Red Alert 3 Beta, or will you be allowed to let the odd tidbit slip?
August 21st, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Kareem says:
The Red Alert 3 beta is already ongoing and I didn’t see any NDA stuff in the beta e-mail.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:47 pm
James T says:
Red Alert 3 says:
Men - older, but clearly recognisable as actors
Women - boobs, with almost no acting credentials
Thank heavens for the progressive 21st century!
BUT GAPGEN, THE MEN R IDEALISED SO TEHY ARE BEING OBJECTIFIED 2!!!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:26 am
Lacero says:
Also Kelly Hu did the voice of the blind one in KotOR2, with this too she’s almost a gaming celebrity.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:26 am
feitclub says:
Anyone else weirded out by Chinese-American Kelly Hu putting on an awful accent to play a Japanese woman, yet Japanese-American George Takei just talks normally?
Also, the other Russian guy, the one who doesn’t say anything and has a big mustache, he’s a recognizable actor but not so recognizable that I knew his name without looking it up. His name is Andrew Divoff and he gets a lot of work.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:48 am
James T says:
You can’t ask Takei to change his voice, that’s like asking Sean Connery not to wear a red diaper in the dystopian far future!
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:08 am
Erlam says:
“Also what is that rifle? It’s like a gigantic SVD-FAL hybrid.”
http://www.world.guns.ru/sniper/sn79-e.htm
Curry wins, hands down.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:27 am
Gordon says:
GINA CARANO~!
Many buys. I need to get this game. I’m amazed at myself that I didn’t get round to picking up C&C 3 for Cameron from House.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:27 am
357SIG says:
Erlam, The front Grip and receiver shape really dont match the SVD though, they look more FAL like
http://world.guns.ru/assault/as24f-e.htm
at the same time the mag looks like an SVD mag
who wants to bet it’s a fabrication and i’ll tear my hair out over nothing
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:42 am
dangman4ever says:
George Takei is all I need to convince me to buy the game.
Shit, one of my favorite celebrity combined with my favorite game series of all time? RA3 FTW!
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:30 am
Sucram says:
General thoughts while watching the video earlier:
Ooo it’s that guy who when I watched Colour of Magic I said ‘oo it’s that actor I like from something else‘ He seems to have developed a funny accent while still sounding exactly like himself.
Hey it’s Stormare from Fargo, he’s so famous I know his name..
Screw that! it’s, J.K. Simmons, along with Bruce Campbell he’s the actually excellent part of the Spiderman films.
Holy crap! EA got genuinely acknowledged to be actually good at acting, James Bond villain bloke, who is famous for much better stuff than that Bond film, but I can’t remember what.
And Hey! is Takai, fanboys are going to explode!
Then I came here and thought:
There were women in it?
and breasts too! how did I miss that?
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:31 am
Radiant says:
That cast is completely next level.
Who is that guy standing next to Tim Curry in the screenshot after the EA logo?
I LOVE that guy.
Can’t remember who he is but I love him.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:18 am
Nimic says:
“In RA3 Russia invents a time machine to kill Einstein (after he killed Hitler) and by someone touching Einstein he is now dead.”
That says all you need, really. I love Red Alert.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
Nuds says:
I really don’t think piracy is a real problem.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:10 am
Satsuz says:
More of this sort of thing, please. MOTSOT,P? I don’t know.
Come back any time, Leigh!
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:40 am
Ross says:
This article was fantastic, thank you RPS!
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:08 am
phuzz says:
@ Master builder:
er, I didn’t mean it like that, maybe I should have phrased it ‘put down by Leigh’, no wait that doesn’t work either, er, damn language!
Am I broken for being more interested in the trailer that just shows the gameplay rather than some fmv sequences?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:34 am
Nallen says:
1:27 is Gina Carino and she’s hot because she could Kick. Your. Ass.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Chris Charabaruk says:
Clearly epic. The trailer had me giggling, and the banter through the article had me laughing like a demented hyena on nitrous. Thank you, Leigh and Kieron!
By the way, you might want to check out the box art already available on Wikipedia. We North Americans get short-shorts on the front!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
DraconianOne says:
Not enough mention of Peter Stomare in this thread. This is the dude who does the voice for crazy mohicaned badass in Mercenaries (1 & 2), did the voice of Pvt Johann Strauss in Quake 4 and Isair in Icewind Dale 2. As well as being the killer in Fargo, and some bloke in Prison Break, he was also Satan in Constantine which is perhaps one of the best cinematic versions of the Devil after De Niro in Angel Heart. He also cut out Tom Cruises eyes in Minority Report which I’m sure is something we’d all like to do.
He’s an absolute star.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Paul Moloney says:
Completely hatstand. Hopefully there’s a demo, though knowing my history of RTS gaming (never finished and have only got partway through even classics such as Warcraft III and Company of Heroes) I doubt I’ll buy it. I’ll probably just end up watching the mental cut scenes on Youtube.
P.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
J says:
I feel sorry for Peter Stomare and J.K. Simmons.
The other actors have my condolences too.
I hope Simmons gets to shank someone.
Great article.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
RotBot says:
Yuriko Omega - a female psychic commando that wears a Japanese school uniform.
Was this not in the trailer? Leigh was complaining about the lack of anime characters. Here’s the artwork and in-game model.
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Radiant says:
@RotBot
Ok this? http://www.ea.com/redalert/factions-empire.jsp?id=YurikoOmega
Is the work of genius.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Vanderdecken says:
Okay, Tim Curry, Peter Stormare (annoyingly paranoid demolition man Johann Strauss in Quake 4 BTW), George Takei and Jonathan Pryce = SOLD.
Come on, did you guys not watch Pirates of the Caribbean at all? Or did you get distracted from Pryce because most of his scenes were with 17 year old Keira Knightley, who played his daughter? Or the Rock Horror Picture Show? YOU’VE NEVER THROWN YOUR TOAST?
And not recognising Sulu is totally inexcusable.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
CrazYvan says:
basically world war 3 with sociopathic japs ; and this trailer looked like a big budget porn movie scene before the actual copulation
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Skurmedel says:
Peter Stormare was in Fargo. He’s the scientist damnit 
August 23rd, 2008 at 1:27 am
chesh says:
Oh dear, my two favorite game journo types, together at last. This will be my undoing.
Also, unrelated: Damn you for offhandedly mentioning the Sisters of Mercy like a year ago, Gillen, now I’ve been listening to them and then going out to our local goth club’s 10 year anniversary party and dancing overdramatically to Lucretia, My Reflection and it’s terrible and your fault. *shakes fist*
BACK ON TOPIC. No love for George Takei? For shame.
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:29 am
Kieron Gillen says:
Rotbot: So posting this.
Chesh: I’m sorry, man. Though now, in a circle of life way, you’ve made *me* listen to the Sisters.</
Great stuff. RPS needs more Leigh Alexander.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:31 pm