There’s been some complaints that games writing is lacking hard-hitting investigative journalism. With the news that PC Zone’s forthcoming 200th issue will be the first public unveiling of Deus Ex 3, I saw the opportunity to change all that. I know where PC Zone’s London office is. I’m a skilled veteran of many immersive sims. And I have a trenchcoat and can easily buy a pair of shades.
I can break into PC Zone’s office and steal their assets!
So I gave it a shot.
That’s me up in Baker Street, outside the Future London Offices. You’ll see more of the trench-coat. I have pockets full of gizmos and a pair of five-quid early-nineties guitarist-in-bad-industrial-band shades. And I have a plan. Or several plans anyway, most of which are bad plans, but that’s not the point. This is Deus Ex – the multiple routes are the important thing. It doesn’t matter if any of them are any good.
Anyway, here’s me posturing some more…
First step was to circle the building, looking for a back exit or some manner of man-size vent I could crawl through. I know how it works. But it appears that the architect of Future London didn’t go to the Ion Storm Crawling-Only-Please school of building design. I have to take a more brute force approach.
I hang around outside, pretending to use my phone datalink, watching people leave the building and go for a smoke. One of my plans involves striking up a conversation with one of them, and then just breezing on through. Problem being, the smokers look like the sort of people who’d shy (or run) away if I started to talk. And it appears any of my games journalist comrades in the building don’t smoke, probably worried about losing that 1HP from every pack.
So I go to Plan B. I wander inside, have a quick chat to the lady behind the desk (I take the “I’m trying to break in – don’t mind me approach”), realise I can’t just sign in the guest book as there is no guest book (JC DENTON, clearly) and sidle my way up to the main door. I find something that’s terribly familiar blocking my way.
I know what to do here.
0
4
5
1
The Door remains closed. Whoever designed this building hasn’t a bloody clue. I resort to the brute force multitool method, a little dispirited that I have to use my resources already.
Which doesn’t work either. Being JC Denton is harder than you may have expect. Maybe I set my life to realistic or something.
Not being dispirited however. I have one ace in the hole. In the true Deus Ex fashion, I can bring someone inside my conspiracy. I call my Deep Throat inside the building.
It’s Quinns!
He’s looking out for trouble with his eagle-eyes here. Note his slightly stiff and unconvincing animation, which is very Deus Ex. We try and have a Deus Ex style conversation, but neither of us can remember enough quotes from Anarchist philosophers, so we just give up. He opens the door, allowing me to creep into the main Future offices. Safe at a distance I hide, starting to scope out the Zone office…
Worth apologising at this point – as the action hots up, the photography gets worse. I haven’t time stay still when my life is on the line. You do understand, yeah? Anyway – I’m crouching behind some of Official X360 Magazine’s office dividers, looking down the office at Zone. That’s Editor Will Porter’s head you can see back there.
At which point I start to crawl across the office floor, probably virtually invisible. I’d imagine.
I manage to get to the other side of the PC Zone office, where Disc Editor Ed Zitron is normally sitting. From there, you can crouch up and take photo of Mr Porter’s Computer.
I’m within one and a half metres of the world’s first Deus Ex 3 shots. I trust that those in the DX community with those photo-analytic tools they use in Bladerunner will use enhancement software to change the angle to the other side and allow us to examine it. That’ll be well fancy.
But I couldn’t trust that. I had to be sure. I had to get shots of the screen itself. As the glance from Will in the above photo suggests, I’ve somehow been spotted. I needed to move fast. So run-mode engaged, I pop around the other side of the screen.
I take the photo!
Too late. Alas, far, far too late.
At which point the vengeful PC Zone staff are upon me.
“Can you confirm that Deus Ex 3 a prequel?”
TWONK!
“Will we see a repeat of the arguably console-compromised design choices of Invisible War?”
TWONK!
“What Russian philosophers are being explored this time?”
TWONK!
“How many levels are there?”
TWONK!
“What’s the Quicksave key?”
TWONK!
“Quickload?”
TWONK!
I begin to suspect the only answers that’ll be forthcoming will be expressed in the international language of hurting. I’ve got the message and, health-bar plumetting, I have to leave.
I’ll add that since engaging in my break-in on Friday, it’s come to light that Zone members Blyth, Porter and Sefton are to leave the magazine to follow outside interests. Which, as far as I can ascertain, is corporate-coded speech for them being executed due to this disastrous security breach. I regret nothing. Today, we kneel only to Truth.
I’d try again, as I think I’ve learned a lot by my failure, and think it’ll be easier with all the staff dead, but the issue’s out on October 9th and there’s not enough time to get some better Biomods installed.
I’m sorry, guys.
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What a shame.
“It’s the maintenance man. He knows I like orange!”
Ironically this was the only visit to the Future office where Kieron didn’t barge into the ladies’ toilets.
I spill my drink!
Yeah, I can’t wait for this. Though mostly because I desperately want that Ghost In The Shell game. Honestly, if there was ever a license which deserved a decent game, it’s that one.
“Quinns: You’re wearing shades inside?
Kieron: My vision is augmented.”
Also, you’re making this into a level mod at some point, right? :p
Break in? I’d have helped a hobo and let karma do the work for me.
What a shame.
What a shame.
@ Hermit: I’d play it.
BLOODSHOT FFS
You guys got me curious: any chance the PC Gamer review of Deus Ex is readable online?
http://gillen.cream.org/wordpress_html/?page_id=16
(Worth noting it’s unproofed, so will have typos. But you’re used to that with me)
KG
Cool, thanks.
What a shame.
:)
I’d have tried again after 30 seconds once they forgot you came in and the battle music went away. Apart from the photography, a funny article :)
Is the HL1 PCG review online by any chance?
Also I say YES to a GITS game. Kung-fu tac shooter with spider robots and invisibility suits. Come on!
you may as well start using coke.
This is why I love this site.
The Keypad part made my day. God knows I try that code in every keypad I come across.
“Now everyone will see why I need a skull-gun.”
My own, long-standing mission to infiltrate the mighty Valve’s citadel in City 1 continues apace!
I have been unable to procure a Combine helicopter by means of transportation, so I’m making do with conventional, commercial flights across the Atlantic. I leave on Friday.
Sad to hear bout the Zone staff leaving though. I do love PcZone, and obviously RPS too!
“I thought you nano’s were supposed to be killing machines? Guess i was wrong.”
0451! What is that from? I’ll go mad if I don’t know. I know it was something in the game…
0451 was the first keypad code in Deus Ex, also in System Shock, System Shock 2 (Well 45100 in that case), and BioShock, and as a warehouse code on the second level of Thief 2. It was also the code to the door of Looking Glass Studios.
Comes from the Ray Bradbury novel Fahrenheit 451.
What an expensive mistake you turned out to be.
Man, that is one famous code.
“It’s out of my hands now.”
Kieron is a cosplayer. It won’t be long until he does a piece dressed as pikachu.
Should have brought a bomb. They’d have been, like ‘Oh my god KG, a bomb!’
A bomb.
Why is there a picture of Angus Deaton at the top?
AAA! would read again
Interesting (and sad) to see so many staff leaving PCZ. Why do I get the feeling this is a precursor to PCZ’s inevitable cancellation/merging into PC Gamer?
Excellent! You needed more “Rewind. I’m standing in front of Future’s offices…” though. I must’ve read the Deus Ex review a fair few times, I still remember some of the captions and boxouts.
“Great stuff, although I couldn’t help but think some tear gas might have helped you out…”
Here’s one: “Prolonged exposure can damage the bronchial pathways.” Prolonged exposure? It’s like givin’ ‘em cigarettes or something.
Manderley has assigned me the peacekeeping occupation of this blog.
Deus Ex is an overrated piece of crap, existing only in the rose-tinted memory of now old men.
There! I said it! Play it today, it is an affront to any sane person. I proclaim therefore every DeusEx fanboy should be banned from the internet, because I will and can not ignore this ongoing hassle of HOW F#ING GREAT it once should have been.
By which you mean to say “It really hasn’t aged well.” Which is very, very true, and which a pretty sizable portion of the games fanbase will admit.
I only played it recently, and I couldn’t get through it. Because of the aging. But if you compare it to the other FPSs at the time, it’s pretty god damn impressive.
It’s frankly unbelievable that you couldn’t find at least one air duct.
who’d you steal the matrix nerd duster from?
@James
In fact I am playing it again at the moment.
It still stands up. It still remains one of the very few games that actually notices what you are doing and has characters react to your actions on more than just a sweeping “GoodEvil” scale.
10/10
*wipes away tears*
Yes, that was my point. I never played it when it came out, but started 3 months ago because everybody was like “How could you not have played the second coming? Are you insane?” Wanted to murder everybody to see if the game logically ends. Couldnt do it. DISAPPOINTMENT!
Awesome, I couldn’t stop laughing!. Now I hope Kieron makes another review mimo style as he did with Deus Ex 2 in PCG. Do it!
hilarious
set DeusEx.JCDentonmale bCheatsEnabled True
SpawnMass Hooker1
That’s what you get for wearing a baggy coat to make you look bigger than you actually are.
0451 refers to a first level in System Shock I believe.
@Nuyan: http://www.hitselfdestruct.com/2008/07/0451.html
A trenchcoat that does not go past the calf is not worthy of the term trenchcoat!
I lol’d.
Fantastic work.
Only question, how were you taking photos of yourself whilst being beaten?