I’m Making Six Bucks An Hour: Babysitter

By Kieron Gillen on October 3rd, 2008 at 3:21 pm.

Don't believe the status bars. Look at the dead-eyed stare. Julian is dead.
Or to give it its full title My Dream Job: Babysitter. Which makes you want to grab anyone considering buying it and tell them to raise their bloody expectations. Hell, at least My Dream Job: Au Pair would let you get out the country while wiping up baby sick. Hell, My Dream Job: The Au Pairs could allow you to be in a seminal post-punk outfit.

So – what’s the game promise?

Well, it promises an imminent release. In fact, it’s already out. Announcement and straight to the streets. Hear that, 3D Realms? We highly approve. No foreplay, straight to the action – that’s the RPS way.

(We’re having an affair with Mr Chewing Pixels – Mrs RPS)

Let’s walk down the feature list:
- Create your own character!
This is aces, as I’m all about creating my own character. Doesn’t actually tell you much about what sort of character you can choose. There’s much gaming potential here, of course. Having a Black Orc from Warhammer charged with looking after an infant would lead to much Kindergarten Cop style hilarity and/or an eaten child.

- Choose your own hairstyle, clothes, makeup, and more
I LOVE CHOOSING MY HAIRSTYLE, CLOTHES MAKEUP AND MORE.

- Tons of cool activities
They’re kind of covering themselves here. Do they mean things like playing with the child, or do them mean leaving the child in a closet covered in its own vomit? It’s hard to tell.

- Go shopping!
Wait – this has kind of lost me. The idea of the game is to be a Babysitter and – apparently – teach useful adult life-lessons. And this is implying when faced with a bawling child, you can just figure fuck-this-shit and wander off to Top Shop to shoplift accessories in a true teenage-girl manner. You may as well have a game which allows you to ignore the child climbing onto the lit stove while you have ill-considered unprotected sex on the sofa.

Actually, that sounds amazing. Get to it, developers.

This talk has reminded me of Princess Superstar’s Bad Babysitter.

Which reminds me of the time that a friend tried to anally penetrate me when we were dancing to Princess Superstar at Reading.

Which makes me decide to end the post.

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32 Comments »

  1. Ian says:

    My sister’s having an offspring soon so I doubt I’ll need the game if she gets her way.

  2. ChaosSmurf says:

    You had me at “ill-considered unprotected sex on the sofa.”

  3. Kieron Gillen says:

    ChaosSmurf: Put it like this – if I designed the Sims, it’d be a very different game.

    KG

  4. RandomHero says:

    It’s like she took my life and transformed it into a song/music video.

  5. aldo says:

    ChaosSmurf: Put it like this – if I designed the Sims, it’d be a very different game.

    Involving unexpected anal penetration whilst dancing?

  6. Kieron Gillen says:

    That would be my leitmotif across all my work.

    KG

  7. Five says:

    That’s one scary looking baby

  8. Ergates says:

    All babies are scarey looking – it’s a defence mechanism. Like those butterflies that have large eyes on their wings to frighten off predators.

  9. Theoban says:

    If I played this I’d have much the same experience I do with other games of its ilk. The child ends up dead within minutes, usually after pissing itself a few hundred times and crying on the floor.

    I’m not allowed pets.

  10. Leeks! says:

    Who among us can honestly say that they haven’t tried to penetrate a friend to Princess Superstar?

  11. Little Green Man says:

    Leeks: You read my mind.

  12. Dante says:

    Have they managed to misspell the word ‘change’ in that screenshot?

  13. phuzz says:

    @ Dante, I thought it meant a 6 months supply of chang, or possibly that the kid was a 6 month old called chang.
    ’6 months – change’ makes no sense either :(

  14. Muzman says:

    It could just be long term planning.

  15. Adam Hepton says:

    I implore you to keep drinking, KG.

  16. ChaosSmurf says:

    ChaosSmurf: Put it like this – if I designed the Sims, it’d be a very different game.
    You misspelled “much better”.

    Oh, went there.

  17. Binary Assassin says:

    Hell Yeah! The Au Pairs ROCK! YOU rock for putting up the link. It sounds like Zounds, mixed with the Clash, and a touch of Crass for flavour.

  18. mandrill says:

    Why do developers assume that girls want this kind of tat? The fact of the matter is that its girl’s parents that want them to want this kind of tat. Maybe they should stop being so lazy and produce games with engaging stories and interesting choices. Less of the ‘lets let them do their hair and makeup, they’ll lap that up’ condescension and more creative thought.
    Whoever dreamed this sickening genre of games up should be hung by the ankles over a pit of puppies, kittens, babies, every iteration of barbie ever created for the computer, and left to see how long they remain rational members of the human race. Maybe this would demonstrate to them that what these games are is something which no human being should be subjected to, let alone a teen/pre-teen girl who’s body is so overflowing with hormones that they would quite gladly eat a kitten one second and cry about its untimely demise the next.

    Down with this sort of thing (if you hadn’t got the point already).

    *No, I’m not a girl. I just think that girls deserve better.

  19. Ben Abraham says:

    I thought that video was a trailer for a minute… “Wow, this isn’t like your regular videogame trailer is it… waidaminute!”

  20. Kast says:

    They only change the baby every six months? 0.0

  21. Klaus says:

    Damn it. I’m so focused on what the hell ‘chang’ is.
    @Phuzz. I thought the same thing until I saw the things name was ‘Julian’.

    Babysitting is overrated.

  22. pepper says:

    I wonder if you could kill the kid. I mean, if this is meant for little children then i can imagine the baby being invulnerable!

  23. Mr Chewing Pixels says:

    Mrs RPS: it’s not an affair so long as we don’t look into each other’s eyes.

  24. tmp says:

    Why do developers assume that girls want this kind of tat?

    Same reason you assume they don’t..?

  25. wcaypahwat says:

    Try babysitting…. on a plane!

  26. Kanakotka says:

    THE MOST HORRIBLE concept of a game that i could immediately think of. I thought this was a bloody joke.

  27. Valentin Galea says:

    I don’t get that last – gay? – joke!:)

  28. Ryan says:

    6 months – change’ makes no sense either

    Oh, but it does- for you see, six months after emerging from the womb, the baby undergoes the change, and after moulting, sprouts stubby wings and its baby antennae and soars off into the night.

  29. okaru says:

    I agree, babies are horrible. But I think we could turn it up a notch and make a real horror game of this – lets re-skin everything with textures from Silent Hill!

  30. Klaus says:

    @TMP. From any of the game playing females in my family, I don’t EVER remember any of them buying a “Princess Sparkle’s Babysitting Adventure in Candyland”.

    I can’t profess to say what females want but I know I’d be slightly annoyed if a Gamestop employee constantly offered me “Machismo Journey to the Stripclub II: The Heisman Trophy Edition” or worse, “The Guy Game”.

    @wcaypahwat
    “I have had it with these motherfucking babies on this motherfucking plane!” Sry. :(

  31. tmp says:

    I can’t profess to say what females want but I know I’d be slightly annoyed if a Gamestop employee constantly offered me “Machismo Journey to the Stripclub II: The Heisman Trophy Edition” or worse, “The Guy Game”.

    Seeing these GTA sequels and FPS du jour that keep getting published, i suspect that slight annoyance of yours just doesn’t really concern the publishers much.

  32. clovus says:

    I’m gonna’ be really disappointed if I don’t get to make out with my boyfriend on the couch while the baby plays with his own feces. If that’s not in the game, then I’ll lose all faith in shovelware.