NSFW: Boneland Demo: Hotttttttttt Coffee?

By Kieron Gillen on October 11th, 2008 at 5:45 pm.

Suck my enormous circle with a sales encouragement on, bitch.

Always being ones to big-up progressive indie games we… actually, waitasec. Bonetown is probably the biggest budget true-porn game I’ve ever seen – hell, it’s even got Ron Jeremy in it. You can buy it from their site, and there’s a 500Mb demo. What is it? It’s basically GTA with all the automobiles swapped for autoeroticism. Clearly, I plan to get a review copy and get Leigh to play it. But until then, I’ve played it, taken screenshots and generally thrown it all beneath the cut with its Youtube videos.

The demo, as shown by the above screenshot, is censored. Which doesn’t stop it being the shortest game-start-to-full-frontal-nudity since The Longest Journey. Just a little less classy than a blue naked dude…

Never let anyone piss on you, unless it's for a lot of money.

Yes, Bonetown starts with you waking up to find a drunk gentleman pissing on you. It’s like someone’s taken a page from my diary and put it on the screen.

Anyway, he’s the one who’s offended by this – as he thought you were a squid, and by being a human, you’ve removed the pleasure of having pissed on a squid from his life – so you have to fight. Mouse buttons allow you to pummel and block, and eventually you take him down. And then a buxom lady comes over and apologises for him, and offers to explain how the town works. In short, there’s a stat called Balls. The bigger balls you have, the more likely someone will sleep with you. The best way to improve your balls is by making as many women come as possible. Just don’t come before they do – that’s bad. No, really.

And then she sucks you off, just to be polite.
Getting your dick sucked does not actually let you regain health. Otherwise, hospitals would be a very different place.
Yes, as the title suggests, this is actually how you recover your health bar. Anyway, I barely had a chance to take that in, before she fucks me. And let’s have a full size screenshot so we can see exactly how that’s done…
This reminds me of Spore for some reason.
You increase your speed and power to match a woman’s desires. After a while, a threshold will be crossed and you have to rematch your abilities. Do so, and her arousal goes up. As you do it, your stamina goes down. You have to max out her arousal before you shoot your load – which, being a porn game, you do so all over in a facial-esque manner. Or maybe on their tits. It’s out of your control, anyway – there’s no Deus Ex choose-your-own-route options. The Immersive Sim is dead.

Anyway, sex over, the blonde is dragged away by the servants of The Man who are trying to bring public decency to the pubic land of Bonetown. If they see you committing a sex act in public, they’ll chase and beat you up. It’s also the last girl under two-hundred pounds you’re going to have sex with for a while, as it’s only the larger lady you’d be able to get with. Or prostitutes, if you have the green.

And that’s the game, basically. You run around the city beating up men, beating off over women and beating the law by running away. There’s missions proper, such as the delightful sequence where I go and get a crackwhore her crack. I mean, this is the sort of logical puzzle-solving that games so often fail at. Crackwhore requires crack. Like, doh. There’s also those random subgames, such as the Hog Race where you have a minute to have as sex with as many people as you can, with the total weight determining your success. There’s also a Hitman-esque disguise system, where you can take the clothes off anyone you’ve beaten up, which gives you a bonus to your Balls – and so, allowing you to have sex with someone you may not be able to. Also, by drinking booze you can get a temporary bonus, making it more likely someone will fuck you through the dutch courage you’re displaying. Crack makes you run quicker, while dope gets you high – as in, lets you jump higher. Yes.

Two things which took me a while to discover. Firstly, when you lose a fight, they take all your clothes too, leaving you to run around starkers. No-one cares. And here I am doing so…
At least they didn't take your hat
Note the scrotum dangling away, as is Scrotum’s wont.

Secondly, the moment of magical horror when I realise that you actually have camera control during the sex scenes, which is ideal for screenshots. Like these…
Thelma's new career was a shock to the rest of the Scooby Doo's gang.
Try as much as I did, I wasn't able to make a girl come twice before I shot my load. Man!
I was drunk.

Gosh.

Okay, my jovial tone is probably making it appear that I’m condoning this. And, I suppose, I am a bit. Yeah, it’s sexist – but no more than the majority of mainstream porn. Yeah, it’s got a sense of humour which at best is in really poor taste and at worst crosses over into plain racist… but, yet again, only about as much as most porn itself. Hell, that you’re able to choose your race at the start of the game mitigates a little against that. By which I’m saying, it’s morally reprehensible, but I don’t really care about that. Many others will, which I also understand.

To be honest, the porn part is kind of secondary to the WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GAME DOING?!?!?!?! factor, which it has by the semen-filled-bucketload. The primary thing which kept me playing the demo was to see whatever it was going to show me next. It’s not going to do that, is it? Oh – actually, yes, it is. It’s the sort of game which is going to be mentioned forever in forum threads. It makes Postal 2 look like Planescape Torment.

Perhaps the oddest thing about it is how much effort’s been put into it. It is, in its own way, a real game – if you judged it on its mechanics, I suspect it’ll get a low score… but not a catastrophically low sub-10% one, unless it trips the reviewers moral buttons. Take the opening I described earlier – it actually did a better job of introducing what the game’s about than the majority of games, I suspect, which is rather depressing. Its voice acting borders even on the good – the sex stuff, I suspect, is actually taken from people fucking, and sounds more convincing than most faked sex talk. I mean, it’s not good. It’s not even average. But through playing the demo, it’s hardly dull. I doubt you’ll wish you had the time you took to play it back, because – really – it’s not like anything you’ll have ever played before. Or again, probably.

I do wish the sex mechanisms were more complicated though. And in the game, etc.

Anyway, here’s the short video which gives the set up and shows some fucking:

And here’s some character stuff, which will make you wince…

And after that, if only to stare and blink, the demo’s here.

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60 Comments »

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  1. Grey_Ghost says:

    Needs Lesbians…

  2. Evan says:

    I wish there was some way to see how many of the naysayers went and downloaded it…..

  3. x25killa says:

    Needs more sexual postions. Also, I do hope there is co-op so me and a buddy can “Double Team” her.

    Looks naft. I wonder if the media will have a field day over this…

  4. Dan Harris says:

    I played it.

    After the initial “who thought making this was a good idea” confusion wore off (four minutes in), I discovered that the combat doesn’t work very well. Which ruined an otherwise perfectly bizarre game.

  5. C0nt1nu1ty says:

    This is so going into my SLEASE work for Uni (yes that is a real module)

  6. Gnarf says:

    “Hell, there are even semi-realistic porn games. So why the hell does this even exist?”

    “Due to the high demand for our demo, we are currently experiencing slow download speeds and are working to add mirrors to resolve the situation.”

    :D

  7. moonracer says:

    Always great to see reviews for games I’ve never heard of. While I don’t actually play “adult” games I enjoy knoing that they are out there and I find it interesting to watch how they improve (or not) over the years.

  8. 3d sex games says:

    I played it and thought it was pretty fun. The sex gets tiresome after a while but there’s some fun characters and dialog. There’s another review here if anyone cares.

  9. Game Player says:

    This is a great game. Revolutionary idea and concept. If you enjoyed the video, check out the review at Adult Free Flash Games and If you have problems with the game there is also a great walkthrough for bonetown.

    And also to those that think the market for this type of game is small, I beg to differ, the game is growing by a few thousand players each day.

  10. pzykozis says:

    Looks hilarious, great find!

    Not sure what it’s lasting appeal would be though

    @Sponge I’m sure there’s a massive market for this sort of game its complete incredulous hilarity. But then other people get their kicks in all sorts of ways aswell.