The Utter News – Mersday 32nd Augember

By John Walker on October 15th, 2008 at 4:11 pm.

Removing the fact from truth.

Every week in The Utter News, Rock, Paper, Shotgun brings you the biggest stories in PC gaming, and none of the truth that just spoils it for everyone.

The swelling at Take Two is showing no signs of going down. After bumping their leg in the October fight with Ubisoft, the publisher continued to receive heavy blows without medical intervention, and now looks likely to have got an infection. The bulge is said to be slightly red, and occasionally throb. Take Two is on a course of antibiotics, and spending a fair amount of time in bed, but expected to make a full recovery in time for November’s punch-up with 1C.

The ceasefire at Valve Software is in a precarious position as of this morning, with developers from both sides threatening to restart strikes today should territory infractions continue. The dispute that began over ownership of the main corridor seven months ago, resulting in the Left 4 Dead team taking hostages from those working on Episode Three. Accusations of torture aimed at L4D developers are still being investigated by Amnesty International, while the location of Gabe Newell remains unknown, with both sides claiming to have him locked up in a cupboard.

Peter Molyneux has denied accusations of witchcraft. The allegations first emerged when he was seen flying around on a broomstick and wearing what eye-witnesses described as, “a black, pointy hat with some stars and a moon stuck on it.” Molyneux explained that he was merely borrowing the flying brush from a witch friend, “just to have a quick go.” He has conceded that the hat was his own, and that he made it with some help from his mum. Police investigations continue.

This week’s PC gaming charts have seen a surprise number one entry for Katy Perry. The album went straight to the top of the videogame charts after an error during the final mixing process, which left the songs recorded in the first-person, with a gun bobbing at the bottom. PC Format’s Mike Channell told reporters, “The graphics are amazing, but I can’t get past the boss at the end of track 6.”

And in sports news, the final result between 2K Boston and Ubisoft Montreal was a nil-nil draw, with a rematch scheduled for next Saturday. Tickets will be available from Friday afternoon, but are expected to sell out quickly. Meanwhile the decider between Sony Europe and Sega Of America has been delayed due to a cornerless pitch.

.

28 Comments »

  1. Ian says:

    How refreshingly unencumbered by truth that was. :)

  2. Pishtaco says:

    On the plus side, the site feels faster with the rounded corners on the comments gone. Thanks.

  3. Bobsy says:

    So. Er. World of Goo withdrawal much, John?

  4. Colthor says:

    The pointyness! Every article and comment I read, I feel its sharpened corners poking into my eyes! The horror!

    Not really. If Pishtaco hadn’t mentioned it I wouldn’t have noticed.

  5. Rei Onryou says:

    Curse those cornerless pitches. I was looking forward to that match.

  6. Erlam says:

    “This week’s PC gaming charts have seen a surprise number one entry for Katy Perry. The album went straight to the top of the videogame charts after an error during the final mixing process, which left the songs recorded in the first-person, with a gun bobbing at the bottom. PC Format’s Mike Channell told reporters, “The graphics are amazing, but I can’t get past the boss at the end of track 6.””

    I actually had quite a laugh at this one in particular. I actually imagined someone ‘playing’ a music CD, and then getting ‘stuck’ on it somehow.

    Well done ;)

  7. Biggles says:

    Slow news day?

    In other news, I’ve just discovered the : )

  8. phil says:

    This > Penny Arcade (for the most part)
    This < http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28288

  9. qrter says:

    Yikes. You guys are a lot funnier when you’re not trying so hard.

  10. Biggles says:

    Hey, whatever happened to the editing period of grace? Also, I’m shit at html it seems. (link is for daily mash, btw)

  11. phil says:

    @Biggles

    The Daily Mash; slightly reactionary, terrible photos, but you can forgive them almost anything for stuff like;

    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/animals/animals-headlines/'look-at-the-size-of-this-f%2acking-rat'-say-zoologists-20080105608/

  12. John Walker says:

    I assure you qrter, I wasn’t trying hard at all.

  13. qrter says:

    I assure you qrter, I wasn’t trying hard at all.

    In a strange way, that’s sort of comforting, I think. Thank you.

  14. Ian says:

    Holy crap, I only just saw the title of this…

    It’s Mersday the 32nd already??

  15. phuzz says:

    Huh! Nothing about Rockstar North recently putting a man into space.
    Biased bastards!

  16. JonFitt says:

    Bravo.

  17. Ian says:

    @ Phil: That Daily Mash story is one of the funniest things I’ve read in ages. :D

  18. Malagate says:

    Lousy Augember, still it beats the last Smarch we had. I hate Smarch, also Mersday is usually crap. Twendsday, that’s where the action is at.

  19. K says:

    So, Peter Molyneux hasn’t denied accusations of witchcraft?

  20. Gap Gen says:

    I’m looking forward to the lawsuits.

  21. Man Raised by Puffins says:

    Meanwhile the decider between Sony Europe and Sega Of America has been delayed due to a cornerless pitch.

    Suprised they haven’t fired their groundsman yet, the bent pitch fiasco before the Silicon Knights match was enough of a disgrace on its own.

  22. Ginger Yellow says:

    “It’s Mersday the 32nd already??”

    I know! Only five days till Martober.

  23. mandrill says:

    What manner of pharmacological enhancement was involved in the production of this post, and where can I get some?

  24. Smurfy says:

    How about The Butter News?

  25. Brokenbroll says:

    Bravo,silly and amusing. Nicely done.

  26. Aftershock says:

    Ceasefire?

    Pfft. We all know the Team Fortress 2 team is slowly building up a weapons stockpile..

  27. Dreamhacker says:

    I thought the Take Two story was rather….Freudian.

  28. MD says:

    Why is this not a regular feature!

    Seriously you should do more of these, don’t listen to qrter or should I say killjoyter