By John Walker on October 24th, 2008 at 7:31 am.
Red Alert 3‘s just a week away now, but that’s no reason for EA to stop pumping out ludicrous trailers. Three more now, and I don’t doubt there’ll be others. This time there’s one for each of the playable factions, intercutting game action with hammier acting than a pig-only production of Hamlet. (Yes, I went there).
Allies!
Empire of the Rising Sun!
Soviet!
24/10/2008 at 08:24 heal me damnit! says:
“They hate everything we stand for: freedom, liberty, APPLE PIE – did I say freedom?”
24/10/2008 at 08:26 Jochen Scheisse says:
“Freedom…Liberty…Apple Pie…did I say Freedom?”
The other two are not really funny.
24/10/2008 at 08:29 RichPowers says:
J. K. Simmons is the goddamn master of playing important men who sit behind desks and bark orders at underlings.
24/10/2008 at 08:32 Jochen Scheisse says:
BTW, I really hate Apple Pie. Horrible, horrible type of pie.
24/10/2008 at 08:41 John Walker says:
I ate apple pie for breakfast this morning. This was due to falling asleep at 10pm and waking up at 5am, and realising I’d barely eaten the day before. Apple pie breakfast!
24/10/2008 at 08:50 Jim Rossignol says:
I don’t think I dislike any kind of pie.
24/10/2008 at 08:54 Malagate says:
You should try the Apple Crumble breakfast, you can pretend it’s more like cereal by covering it in cream.
Personally I prefer the noodles-in-soup breakfast, ideally with vinegar and a fried egg in it.
Mention of balloons in this game makes me glee as more games need balloons. Especially if they can be shot.
24/10/2008 at 08:55 John Walker says:
Scaffolding and beermat pie?
24/10/2008 at 08:56 Kieron Gillen says:
Something like gooseberry can go fuck itself. Other than that, go for pie!
KG
24/10/2008 at 08:56 Jochen Scheisse says:
I don’t like any kind of pie with more or less whole fruits in them. Cooked or baked fruits are the work of the devil, how could anyone like a nice crunchy apple transformed that way? I think it’s generally that I decided what I like to eat in the first 10 years of my life, and I am refusing to change because of society’s pressure.
Jelly is fine in pies, though.
24/10/2008 at 08:57 Ian says:
@ John: I’d try that after a few pints.
24/10/2008 at 09:04 Malagate says:
How about a cream pie?
Baked fruits are pure awesome, how could you not like an apple that’s been warmed, mellowed and slightly caramalised? Especially as you use cooking apples, which are shite any other way but baked.
24/10/2008 at 09:07 Matthew Gallant says:
I’m not even American and I love apple pie. It’s delicious! I bet the Soviets haven’t even TRIED apple pie, that’s why they hate it.
24/10/2008 at 09:07 Jochen Scheisse says:
But that’s exactly what I like about the apple as a fruit, that it’s NOT mellowed!
Is there something like pear pie? That might work, but I’ve never seen one.
24/10/2008 at 09:09 Saflo says:
I don’t really like any kind of pie. There’s never enough crust/breadlike substance to temper the flavor of the filling.
Do you say “pizza pie” over there?
24/10/2008 at 09:19 Malagate says:
Think of it more as a use for apples which are normally very unpalatable, also I was like you once. I too despised all forms of baked fruit produce, until I got older than about 14 and tried them again. It all started with some crumble for me, but I haven’t yet fallen into the hard stuff of pies and tarts.
Also Matthew Gallant, you don’t have to be American to love apple pie, who do you think first made apple pie eh? You know the apples needed for apple pie in America had to be taken in pip form from a certain european island nation by the barrel load, all because the immigrants wanted to continue to make apple pie and enjoy decent apples generally.
This whole Apple pie and America thing only came around from a few slogans during the early 20th century, for centuries before then can you guess the apple pie capital of the world? Here’s a hint, it’s the country with the largest love of all pies.
24/10/2008 at 09:22 number9 says:
LOLSTEREOTYPES
is basically what I’m getting out of these trailers. Red alert has always been more lighthearted because of its cheesy cutscenes, but the way EA is presenting this one just shoves it down our throats. The underlying ideas- parachuting armored bears, alternate history, time travel, and exotic weaponry- are all great, but did you hear that line “We will cut that thread like a katana’s blade” ?
I love absurdism and parody, I love games that have a good strong personality, but this is just 4 stereotypes plus babes holding guns.
24/10/2008 at 09:28 megaman says:
When watching the Allies trailer, I didn’t think that was very funny. While watching the Empire trailer I wanted to play the empire though, and while watching the Soviet trailer I wished I could play the soviet fraction. Jeez, I am easy to manipulate :S
24/10/2008 at 09:35 Not Bernard says:
Ooo, pretty colours!
24/10/2008 at 09:40 Empty=IRL= says:
I LIKE CAKE!
I also like pie with Tesco finest custard.
(but not gooseberry… anti gooseberry pie + 1)
24/10/2008 at 09:47 John Walker says:
Jochen, when citing the first ten years of your life, I’m somewhat dubious as to your claims that you always ate fruit in their crunchy form. Those first couple of years are traditionally spent eating the mushier version.
“Is there something like pear pie? That might work, but I’ve never seen one.”
I’ve read rumours that it’s possible to actually bake your own pies! You could put in anything you wanted – imagine the possibilities!
24/10/2008 at 09:51 Ian says:
Bake your own pies? Take your witchcraft and be gone!
24/10/2008 at 09:56 Nallen says:
No room for this among the stuffs being released at the moment, but I’m sure I’ll pick it up on the cheap in a few months for the giggle :)
24/10/2008 at 10:06 Flubb says:
Tim Curry sounds vaguely Scottish…
24/10/2008 at 10:12 Heliocentric says:
Tim Curry was in Sacrifice, show Stratos some respect!
24/10/2008 at 10:16 Powerhaus says:
Tim Curry is in this? Hahahaha.
24/10/2008 at 10:21 Theory says:
Pear pies are meh. The flavour is delicate enough before they’re cooked into much, and it disappears almost completely afterwards.
24/10/2008 at 10:23 StalinsGhost says:
I baked a pie once. I was somewhere in the Ukraine, using one of the staff ovens. Made a mess.
24/10/2008 at 10:35 Aubrey says:
Heeeb hep, oh, hep…. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
24/10/2008 at 11:18 Jochen Scheisse says:
John: I just don’t like the “not quite mushy but also not quite crunchy” form. I like if the consistency of stuff manly decides for one direction instead of wussily meandering between both extremes like an undecided voter during propaganda time.
24/10/2008 at 12:07 Tei says:
Evil banner.
Theres a problem with a ad that break the page.
The url is somewhatsomewthingstuffhttp://lbaf.terminala.com/LBFlightSearchAffiliates.aspx
Please ban that ad.
24/10/2008 at 12:37 Gurrah says:
J.K. Simmons’ scenes feel like they’ve been taken directly out of burn after reading, the character he was portraying there was just as hilarious.
24/10/2008 at 13:14 Okami says:
The soviets hate apple pie, because they want you to believe in the cake, which is of course a lie…
24/10/2008 at 13:16 Pags says:
Tim Curry is in this pie? Curry pie, euuuurgh.
I wish they didn’t have to bundle a game with these trailers, it ruins the magic.
24/10/2008 at 13:35 Ergates says:
Don’t you dare bismirch the noble Gooseberry.
Next year, when my gooseberry bush has grown a little, I shall be making gooseberry fool (the proper destination of the gooseberry), blackberry and applie pies – all from fruit grown in my own garden.
HAH – I win!
24/10/2008 at 13:46 Dan Harris says:
Conclusion 1: people care deeply about pie.
Conclusion 2: people don’t give a crap about Red Alert 3.
24/10/2008 at 13:53 Andrew says:
Why can’t more games be brown and space marine?
24/10/2008 at 13:59 Ergates says:
I have up on the C&C world after Tiberium Sun turned out to be a dirty cheating scum. It’s the only game I’ve ever uninstalled in disgust.
On the other hand, pies have never let me down.
24/10/2008 at 14:05 Rob says:
I think the marketing guys behind the campaign for this one aren’t quite familiar with the concept of saturation. A complete bell curve of positivity of response against time can be seen in the series of posts on the game here at RPS. “Oh, another C&C” gave way to “Holy crumbs, armored bears”, which has finally been supplanted, perhaps inevitably, by “Pie”. Red Alert 3: A Trailer Too Far.
24/10/2008 at 14:09 The Hammer says:
Those screenshots look so fresh because of the balloons!
24/10/2008 at 14:10 Maximum Fish says:
They tried to shoot Tim Curry with lasers! I don’t know if i can play this one, it may be too intense for me.
24/10/2008 at 14:12 Bema says:
The promise of some form of outlandish story is the only reason im getting this. The trailers are entertaining though.
24/10/2008 at 14:35 G says:
Pie’s are ace, end of.
Speaking of pears, I need pear juice but it isn’t widely available in the UK. It seems that, compared to our continental cousins, what we have in flavoursome crisps is balanced by a lack of variety in fresh juices. Pear juice is ace if you do a shot of rum followed by a shot of pear juice. All hint of a burn is gone. Surely it is God’s own juice.
24/10/2008 at 14:46 Down Rodeo says:
Once again I am impressed with the ability of RPS-comments to descend into something of an online pie fight. It’s brilliant. For the record I will not comment on the pies but will instead say that I am impressed at how they have managed to get some fairly large names in on this. Do you think they get free copies of the game? :D
It also looks pretty fun. I have good memories of Red Alert 1.
24/10/2008 at 15:04 Ergates says:
I’m not entirely sure all of them realise they’re appearing in a game!
24/10/2008 at 15:06 Mogs says:
Whoever plays that russian bird with the pseudo-air hostess outfit should remain in that outfit and keep the russian voice for the rest of her life. With them she is SMOKING, without she is meh!
24/10/2008 at 15:21 Dan Harris says:
@G:
Pies.
24/10/2008 at 15:35 FhnuZoag says:
Rob:
What’s wrong with pie? Are you anti-pie for some reason? I for one, am able to eagerly anticipate RA3 as well, as pie. Provided that they include pie with the game, of course.
24/10/2008 at 15:44 G says:
@ Dan
Sorry, I did go off on a little bit of a tangent there. If you’d tried it you would know why.
Pies: I reckon pear pie wouldn’t be great, maybe pear and apple? Or maybe cook down the pears and then reduce the juices (maybe with a drop of the mythical pear juice) with a bit of sugar to give a bolder pear syrup to reinforce the flavour.
24/10/2008 at 16:01 fifpro says:
There seems to be some very pie-ous people here.
24/10/2008 at 16:24 The Hammer says:
Pun of the day!
Now, let’s piel on the offender!
24/10/2008 at 16:58 John Walker says:
“Whoever plays that russian bird with the pseudo-air hostess outfit should remain in that outfit and keep the russian voice for the rest of her life. With them she is SMOKING, without she is meh!”
Tish and fipsy. That’s the rather wonderful Ivana Milicevic, who is completely gorgeous as The Woman In Black in House, and Ilsa Trinchina in Chuck.
Feel wrong!
24/10/2008 at 17:56 terror says:
“Speaking of pears, I need pear juice but it isn’t widely available in the UK. It seems that, compared to our continental cousins, what we have in flavoursome crisps is balanced by a lack of variety in fresh juices. Pear juice is ace if you do a shot of rum followed by a shot of pear juice. All hint of a burn is gone. Surely it is God’s own juice.”
I’ve been living on the mainland for 2 years and this is by far the most important fact I have learned. Everyone needs to start badgering pub staff to get some pear juice in for when I get back.
24/10/2008 at 18:01 Rogue says:
She looks rather like a certain presenter off BBC News.
24/10/2008 at 18:24 Gap Gen says:
KG: “Something like gooseberry can go fuck itself. Other than that, go for pie!”
Isn’t American Pie designed to fuck itself?
24/10/2008 at 19:22 Gorgeras says:
I was warning everyone about pie years ago, now that everything I predicted turned out to be right, everyone still has their head in the sand. We were promised that pie would not come with restrictive measures to curb the use of stolen trade recipies that don’t deter pie thieves but inconvenience and stamp on the face of legitimate pie eaters.
They said that if this happens, they would instate a competitive system of pastry economics giving power back to us and not an arbitrary and untransparant decision making commitee that answers to no one. So far this has failed to materialise and we’ve yet to hear any comment at all. Posts on the pie fansites about this get deleted EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T BREAK ANY RULES OR FORUM GUIDELINES. They’re respectful and stick to well-known facts based on what the pie-makers own press releases said on their websites before they deleted. Google cache is your enemy here guys.
If carebears and anti-pie people don’t like pie, there are at least two dozen high-scoring pastries and ambigious savoury-confectionary foodstuffs on the market that cater exactly to their needs. So why do they have to come and ruin pie?
24/10/2008 at 21:14 Smurfy says:
EA should stop spamming.
24/10/2008 at 23:50 Jochen Scheisse says:
I just want to say that due to this thread, I have read up on the differences between pie and cake on teh internets, and the english language is totally confusing. Why does cheesecake (yum!) count as a pie but has cake in the name? Does all that have a system or is it just a good old conspiracy?
25/10/2008 at 00:04 Ergates says:
Bombay Duck isn’t a duck.
Sweetbreads aren’t bread (or sweet for that matter!)
Mincemeat doesn’t have any meat in it.
Peanuts aren’t nuts.
25/10/2008 at 00:25 Weylund says:
Cheesecake is neither pie nor cake.
Cheesecake is our miniature God, built by the hands of Man.
@Pear pie: Pear pie is far too bland once cooked. If you can cook a shell and garnish / fill it with some fresh-sliced pear I think you’ve got something.
@Apple pie: Pick some fresh Granny Smiths for your apple pies. If you cook them just right, you’ll still get that crunch.
25/10/2008 at 01:10 IIshin says:
These people should be the ones splitting their game into three segments, not Blizzard!
25/10/2008 at 01:43 Jason Lee says:
Cake?
25/10/2008 at 03:20 SpielerDrei says:
Apparently, the cake is a pie.
25/10/2008 at 07:39 Dinger says:
Woah. Woke up this morning to this ham breakfast. Alas poor Yorrick!
Pie? The American-class of fruit pies (as referred to in the clip above) were originally developed for breakfast. So a Breakfast slice is not only right, it’s canonical.
Pears don’t work too well in pies. When you make a fruit pie, there are two ways to go: baked (Apple, Cherry, Lemon, Blueberry are the ones I prefer to make) and baked crust, uncooked fruit (raspberry, blackberry, strawberry, all of these usually with a glaze). Either the fruit maintains its taste but acquires a smooth, but not undifferentiated consistency when cooked (and pears have too much water, and to do them right they’d become syrup. Much better to cook them and serve them with chestnuts and venison), or they’ve got a strong berry flavor that works really well.
Baked pies are like an evening dress, and unbaked ones are like a thong bikini. Pears are pear-shaped.
26/10/2008 at 00:41 Jochen Scheisse says:
Had some delicious lentil soup for breakfast, with some baguette fresh off the bakery.
I think blueberry pie might be the try of choice, of even raspberry. We plucked a lot of raspberries not to starve after I and asome friends made some old people trip to a farm where people tried to sell us matresses, and we declined to buy any. So we got shunned and we didn’t get the complimentary wurst package, and me and my friends decided to go home by train, which included a 6 hour run through the woods constantly saking ourselves whether we were lost and had to die, and we also constantly ate raspberries. So yeah, good fuit. We also drank a lot of Schnaps while finding our way. It was a highly enyoyable trip, all in all.
26/10/2008 at 20:55 Kommissar Nicko says:
Americans do pumpkin pie. Nothing more American than a caramel-colored lump that slides out of a fat can, which you then smear around like a naughty toddler in a thawed Pillsbury crust and then cook for a spell. Then it slides right into your fat heart for Thanksgiving. A high Cool Whip to substance ratio is ideal.
Do they have these sorts of brands over there? Names like this are canon in the American lazy-piesmith market.
26/10/2008 at 21:29 An Innocuous Coin says:
The only pie I can recall having myself was an apple pie with some cinnamon in it. Was pretty good, really. I miss that pie.
I may buy this game solely for the plot, it looks utterly hilarious.