Rock, Paper, Shotgun

Command. Also, Conquer: Red Alert 3 Demo

By Kieron Gillen on November 25th, 2008 at 10:29 am.

Yesterday, the demo for the much-hyped via the medium of uniform-clad-hotties Red Alert 3 came out. Why didn’t we blog about it then? Because it was clearly far more important to tell you about two year old racing games and web puzzle games, obv. Priorities. The demo is – erk – nearly 2 gigs in size and includes the full 7 minute intro, three tutorials and a mission from both soviet and US campaigns. Get it from here. Or, go beneath the cut to see the final results of EA marketing’s nervous breakdown.

Firstly, Michael Hasselhoff tells us about how he learned to be a tactical cleverman.

Secondly, a trailer about choosing your co-op partner. Which doesn’t feature David Hasslehoff, but manages to bemuse all the same.

The Red Alert 3 marketing campaign has really been a cry-for-help in the form of celebrity endorsement trailers.

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61 Comments »

  1. 25/11/2008 at 10:34 rob says:

    David Knight?

  2. 25/11/2008 at 10:39 subedii says:

    Kitt Buchannon

  3. 25/11/2008 at 10:42 Kieron Gillen says:

    You know his full name is David Michael Hasslehoff?

    Totally played for.

    (ish)

    KG

  4. 25/11/2008 at 10:46 Bobsy says:

    Using celebrity endorsements to sell games is a weird new tictac. Ozzy Osbourne and That Guy Off The Sopranos are doing WoW as well.

  5. 25/11/2008 at 10:48 rob says:

    Hoist by my own petard!

  6. 25/11/2008 at 10:49 subedii says:

    It was really bizarre to see Patrick Stewart espousing the benefits of Brain Training in his old age.

  7. 25/11/2008 at 10:49 Feet says:

    Mitch. Mitch Buchannon.

    Tsk.

  8. 25/11/2008 at 10:55 MC says:

    Good game, though. RA3 is shaping up to be my 2nd favorite RTS game evah.

  9. 25/11/2008 at 11:02 Pod says:

    Eesh. How much money have EA spent no RA3?

    and why? WHY? Surely the same people that bought RA2 will buy RA3, and those that didn’t will still stay away? (Or perhaps play the demo and then stay away)

  10. 25/11/2008 at 11:03 Jochen Scheisse says:

    Well, I did not love RA3 when I played two games at a friend’s machine. But the PR campaign is just the greatest.

  11. 25/11/2008 at 11:04 Ian says:

    @Pod: Never, ever underestimate the power of The Hoff.

    Or boobies.

  12. 25/11/2008 at 11:14 Heliocentric says:

    Downloaded way to many megabytes and had to turn the pc off before it finished, hope the download resumes. Wont actualy buy the game till its cheap or the activation limit goes though. £24.99 is too much for a rental.

  13. 25/11/2008 at 11:26 Bobsy says:

    Nah, lots of fresh young players will have been drawn in by the ludicrously over the top use of FMV promotion. At which point when the nonsensical plot kicks in and they’re asking to give a shit about time-travelling Soviets (what’s a USSR daddy?) and all that guff… I dunno, can we expect a backlash? I guess RA3 is just too barking nuts to mock, really. They do a good job of self-piss-taking just by existing.

  14. 25/11/2008 at 11:32 ChaosSmurf says:

    We clearly need to turn this thread into a debate on DRM. I’ll start: piracy is stealing.

    (Note: possibility I’m kidding: above or equal to 100%)

    So anyway, it’s actually a pretty fun game. Although, dear god, the english woman’s voice is … oh god the pain.

  15. 25/11/2008 at 11:36 Acosta says:

    Hey, Blizzard celebrity announcements are hilarious (and is not like the game is crying for stardom support to sell). I still prefer the past ones (“I am a Shaman!”), but I think they are funny and well thought.

  16. 25/11/2008 at 11:38 Caiman says:

    Nearly 2 gigs for the demo? If only they’d release a dial-up version with EGA graphics, mono 11k sound, no intros or speech I’d give it a shot!

  17. 25/11/2008 at 11:41 Nimic says:

    This game was immensely fun playing through the entirety with my cousin. Immensely. Oh, and I’m pretty sure we woke up the neighbors when Vice President Hasselhoff took the stage. That guy is a cult-thing, and boy does he know it! And boy do I love it! :D

  18. 25/11/2008 at 11:43 Ginger Yellow says:

    “Using celebrity endorsements to sell games is a weird new tictac. ”

    Germans love the Hof. Germans love strategy games. QED.

  19. 25/11/2008 at 11:53 Bobsy says:

    Although, dear god, the english woman’s voice is … oh god the pain.

    Here’s a thing. In the last RPS podcast Erik Wolpaw bemoaned how difficult it was to get British actors (among other nationalities) on hand…

    Try looking in Britain! I hear we have loads! I know plane tickets aren’t super-cheap-frees but they surely aren’t so bad!

  20. 25/11/2008 at 12:27 Optimaximal says:

    The ‘british woman’ in RA3 is, surprisingly, British. Gemma Atkinson just doesn’t happen to be a very good actress.

  21. 25/11/2008 at 12:32 Bobsy says:

    Hahaha. Okay, fine!

    To be honest, they’ve got Johnny P-to-the-ryzzle as well so I guess I should have known. But the (general) point stands!

  22. 25/11/2008 at 12:38 Pags says:

    Here’s hoping they rope in Gary Busey next.

  23. 25/11/2008 at 12:58 Darth says:

    It wasn’t long ago they had Mr T endorsing WoW.

    But then, Mr T will endorse just about anything these days…

  24. 25/11/2008 at 13:03 Gap Gen says:

    And in time for Stalin’s birthday, too!

    I watched the cutscenes on YouTube and they were a bit boring? Maybe I missed some crucial ones, but it was mostly people wittering behind desks, and the Allied ending was mostly ripped straight from Yuri’s Revenge.

  25. 25/11/2008 at 13:07 Rei Onryou says:

    @Optimaximal: What Miss Atkinson lacks in acting ability she more than makes up for in low-cut, cleavage revealing uniform wearing.

    I was tempted to get WoW after the Mr. T adverts. Then I remembered that it was WoW. So I bought a Snickers instead.

    I wasn’t worried about getting RA3 until later down the line, but then I saw George Takei say “All your base…” and a little neon light in my head went off spelling “SOLD”. Plus, I just can’t resist the Hell March.

    Ironically, I won’t play them game until this time next year, since I can’t stop playing L4D.

  26. 25/11/2008 at 13:07 Ian says:

    Optimaximal: So how did she get the Hollyoaks gig then, eh?

    I rest my case.

  27. 25/11/2008 at 13:08 itsallcrap says:

    nearly 2 gigs in size

    Damn you and your space-talk from the future.

    It’s 135 Peggles.

  28. 25/11/2008 at 13:19 Iain "DDude" Dawson says:

    I cannot download this. It is just too big for my download limit to handle. Same for the Tomb Raider demo. There is no point in these big demos for me, as I just cannot download them and play them. I don’t want all the tutorials, the intro video and two missions. I just want a taste, to see if it runs.

    Look at the Football Manager demo. They relesead a Vanilla version, only a couple of mbs, suited me fine. I know C&C is more complicated than FM, but please, a lite demo for some of us would be great.

    Instead I am stuck with a demo I cannot download. Not. A. Help.

  29. 25/11/2008 at 14:01 cliffski says:

    agreed. Only dorks in marketing think that bundling a publisher logo in a flipping demo makes sense. Plus far too many coders have sod all idea how to put together smaller games Choices of file formats are still stuck back in DVD days.
    Wake up people. I love RTS games and loved the reviews of this, but 1.8 gigs? I’ll wait for a coverdisk.

  30. 25/11/2008 at 14:05 Radiant says:

    How can you people spew your hate over RA3?
    It’s bloody fun.
    I have an APC that shoots it’s occupants out of a cannon.

  31. 25/11/2008 at 14:06 Radiant says:

    You don’t get a man cannon is regular RTS games.

  33. 25/11/2008 at 14:09 qrter says:

    I have an APC that shoots it’s occupants out of a cannon.

    But.. who then controls the APC and said cannon!

    This is all terribly confusing.

  34. 25/11/2008 at 14:10 Cigol says:

    I wouldn’t mind, but I can’t download it because BT are throttling my connection. Same thing with downloading games I bought off of STEAM. It’s doing my nut in.

    I wanna see her boobies damnit.

  35. 25/11/2008 at 14:15 Dain says:

    The first fully co-op RTS? Really? How so? Is it just perhaps two people playing as allies like every single RTS almost ever? Or is it 2 people controlling the same side like oh… Age of Empires 2 did? Many years ago.

    Either way EA liiiiies.

  36. 25/11/2008 at 14:47 Bema says:

    Optimaximal: So how did she get the Hollyoaks gig then, eh?

    I rest my case.

    You’re not honestly going to say the Hollyoaks directors hire people based on their acting ability are you…

  37. 25/11/2008 at 15:15 Gap Gen says:

    Dain: The campaign has two armies on the same side, which can be controlled by your friends. I can’t think of any other RTS campaign that did that.

  38. 25/11/2008 at 15:20 Ian says:

    @Bema: Yes. Yes I am.

    In other news, the Internet seriously needs a designated sarcasm font or something.

  39. 25/11/2008 at 15:26 Okami says:

    @Dain: I guess they mean the fact, that you can play the campaign in coop mode. And that’s pretty much a first.

    Well except that Spellforce 2 featured a 3 player coop campaign in addition to it’s single player campaign 3 years ago..

  40. 25/11/2008 at 15:30 Woppin says:

    I THOUGHT ALL CAPS MEANT SARCASM??????

  41. 25/11/2008 at 15:31 subedii says:

    I’m pretty certain Ground Control II had that sort of co-op as well.

  42. 25/11/2008 at 15:45 Evoc says:

    Ground control II was also more fun.

  43. 25/11/2008 at 16:06 Ian says:

    @ Woppin: Sorry, i just associate all caps with the sort of people who join message boards with posts like:

    “HELLO I M NU HERE I LIKE THE SITE I CAN FOR THE NEWS CAN ANYBODY TELL ME WHETHER [Game] WILL HAVE [Feature/content] THANKS”

    ….

    You’re not that poster, are you? ;)

  44. 25/11/2008 at 16:07 Ian says:

    Edit (sorta): In hindsight, that pretend post stopped using shortened words and misspelling far too soon.

  45. 25/11/2008 at 16:45 Cross Road says:

    So, is the demo any good?

  46. 25/11/2008 at 16:51 Alex says:

    @Ginger Yellow

    Germans love the Hoff?? Why you little… never NEVER call him the Hoff again… His beloved holy name is Hasslehoff. That be said. ;)

    (btw… why is everybody thinking that germany digs hasslehoff?)

  47. 25/11/2008 at 17:13 subedii says:

    According to wikipedia:

    David Michael Hasselhoff (born July 17, 1952) is an American actor and singer, who is best known for his lead roles on Knight Rider and Baywatch. He also crossed over to a music career, successful primarily in German-speaking Europe during the end of the 1980s and the early 1990s.

    …

    While his star rose, fell and rose again in the US, Hasselhoff remained rather popular in much of Europe during the end of the 80s. His music was more popular there than in the US. His European popularity was met with disbelief and friendly teasing in the United States, and later exaggerated for comedic effect. For example, Norm Macdonald was known for stating on numerous occasions that “Germans love David Hasselhoff” on Saturday Night Live, and the theme is alluded to in the film Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story where Hasselhoff is shown as the demanding coach of the German team.

    Hasselhoff has had only one number-one hit in the German pop charts in 1989 (“Looking for Freedom”) and two more top-ten hits in 1989 and 1993, respectively. Most other releases failed to enter the top forty.

  48. 25/11/2008 at 17:29 Fumarole says:

    Don’t hassle the ‘Hoff!

    And Kieron, how was the second video bewildering?

  49. 25/11/2008 at 17:35 Jon says:

    Currently downloading demo, fingers crossed it’s all sorts of awesome.

  50. 25/11/2008 at 17:55 Ginger Yellow says:

    “Hasselhoff has had only one number-one hit in the German pop charts in 1989 (”Looking for Freedom”) ”

    That’s one too many.

  51. 25/11/2008 at 18:01 Iain "DDude" Dawson says:

    “I have an APC that shoots it’s occupants out of a cannon.”

    And in the game…?

  52. 25/11/2008 at 21:31 Larington says:

    I’d say whoever is behind the marketting push for RA3 should get a promotion, but then I fear we might never again see its like as that person gets promoted into a role which is entirely different in its scope and purpose.
    So, instead, I’ll say above mentioned person deserves a raise.

    Frankly, there aren’t enough deliberately-and-comically-over-the-top advertising campaigns for computer games, certainly nothing anywhere near this level. (And I don’t mean stuff like ‘person x will make you his bitch’ either, I mean stuff thats got actual comic value, unintentional irony aside, of course).

  53. 25/11/2008 at 21:57 SuperNashwan says:

    It’s not so much comical as simply bewildering and actually playing the demo, why EA thought it was a good idea to throw so much money at this is anyone’s guess. I dare you to suffer through the opening cinematic and then the tutorial and even have the will left to attempt one of the proper missions. Also suffers the same “everything made of glass and tissue paper” as the previous game so instead of using, y’know, tactics, it’s the same old build the biggest tank and throw as many of them as you can at the enemy. Then build some more. This game just doesn’t belong in a world that’s seen Company of Heroes. And oh god the music…

  54. 25/11/2008 at 22:27 Batolemaeus says:

    They killed C&C quite a few years ago.
    No chance in hell i’ll buy this..

  55. 26/11/2008 at 04:00 RichPowers says:

    So I assume that these days more time and effort go into C&C cutscenes and ad campaigns than the game itself?

  56. 26/11/2008 at 07:27 JoJo says:

    @RichPowers But.. but.. it’s fun…

  57. 26/11/2008 at 14:09 Stromko says:

    SuperNashwan: Came here to pretty much say the same thing. The game is utterly based around reflex and fiddly bits, there’s no capacity for planning and every fight depends on firing off goofy abilities at just the right time.

    I suspect most matches will last between 3 and 15 minutes and involve approximately 20,000 mouse-clicks, so if that’s your thing, awesome.

    Red Alert 3 hardly classifies as a strategy game due to its strong focus on micromanagement, it is more like a top-down action game with loose resource management.

    I think some people might like it anyway, and C&C3 should’ve served as stern warning that this is the direction of the series, so I can’t really hold it against them too much in this case. It is very much a game where the ‘fat’ has been trimmed out, and much of the muscle as well, to deliver an extremely streamlined pyrotechnics display. And really overdone glow effects on everything.

    There’s a lot of cleavage too.

  58. 26/11/2008 at 16:02 Mort says:

    Nicely presented, movies were quite impressively produced I though, tounge firmly in cheek and all that. Looks pretty.

    Plays shit. AI? Hah what ai, good grief. I had to play CoH to cleanse myself.
    And why do all the units move sooo slooow.
    Playing through the demo missions was mind numbingly dull.

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