Locked door, I hate you.
I hate the way you are resistant to knives, to guns, to sledgehammers, to rocket-propelled grenades, to weapons that rewrite the very laws of physics, to dark unearthly magic, to punches that can knock a man’s head clean off.
I hate the way I could kick or smash you down in real life, with this puny human body of mine. But I cannot in the grand, escapist fantasy of a videogame.
I hate the way you are so often an easy shortcut for developers unable or unwilling to devise more satisfying obstacles and challenges.
I hate the way you so often lead to nowhere, how you are nothing more than decoration for a wall.
I hate the way I’m expected to give up trying to open you when I see the words “this door has been locked from the other side” or “this door opens elsewhere”, as though they’re a command from God himself.
I hate the way you always make that click-click, or clunk or uh-uh noise when I try to open you: the very sound of failure.
I hate the way your key or switch is always so far away.
I hate the way the fate of the world so often hinges upon opening you.
I hate the way the letter ‘E’ has worn off my keyboard because I’ve tried to open you so many times, in so many games.
I hate the way you’ve added hundreds, perhaps thousands of unnecessary extra hours to my lifetime of gaming.
I hate the way you’ve annoyed me so much that I’ve just written 200 words whining pathetically about you.
If you didn’t exist, locked door, videogames as we know them would be radically different.
Locked door, I hate you.
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This is amazing…though I wish it had been solely based on the Locked Doors that never open. The ones that trick us into thinking it’s supposed to open, but never does. The one that we are determined to open, but never will. Some locked doors can be a real pain to deal with opening, but those are “openable” doors…no, the true “Locked Doors” are unopenable and tear the very soul from my still beating heart with every game I play.
Nice work.
You’ve said the words I’ve longed to say for a very long time. Marry me?
“Gravatar juv3nal says:
“A closed door is better than an open door, because behind a closed door can be anything.”
-supposedly a zen koan, although google doesn’t dig up any attribution.
that only applies if it is a quantum door
well valve learned their lessons. There are progressively less and less unlockable door in their games starting from ep1 and going all the way to left 4 dead.
But it wasn’t so much of a big deal in hl2. There was just a little amount of them in the city 17 levels. Most of the time it was energy forcefield, who make more sense and are cooler to watch as a arbitrary barrier
I think the best way to solve it is to hire the entire population of a city and have each of them put their own room into the game. That would actually be awesome.
Oh man, I hate those locked doors too. When I see a locked door or a locked container, it only makes me want to open it more! That’s why I appreciate the houses that are boarded up… they’re being honest with me. They’re telling me that not only can I not enter the building, ever, but there’s probably nothing worth my time in there anyway.
There’s a robot behind the door.
tbh
its not reali a huge deal , i liek the whole poem thing, it made me laugh , but reali is it worth all this fuss
over bad gaming desighn . reali ?
personally i think not , but kudos on the poem
xoxo
ok, so yeah, locked doors piss everyone off, we get that
but then, without them, wouldnt the game be a bit too easy, and then go too quickly?
i think that locked doors are awesome even though they’re annoying/frustrating
Beautiful
almost reminds me of the field on the other side of the fence just outside of pallete town in pokemon red, blue and yellow verson.
i spent so many hours trying to get there, and once i used cheats to try getting there the game glitched up.
DAMN YOU DOORS AND DAMN YOU FENCES!!!
What I hate, is inconsistent game mechanics. Take Resident Evil 4. Awesome game. But why the hell is it, that you cannot climb in through the downstairs window, at the start of the game? Every other window in the village, no problem. Just… not that one.
It gets worse. You can climb out through it, but not in. Try it sometime. Very start of game, go up the left side of the first building, shoot out the window, and try to climb in. Nope, won’t let you. Not even a reason why just… nope.
And let’s not comment about things like seeing weapons hanging on walls that “you can’t use” (Particular in RE: CV, where there’s some great looking machine guns behind glass…), the dreaded “1 inch high sidewalk” in games that your character can’t step up to from the road, yet he can climbs stairs and ladders. Or how about unbreakable, missile-proof windows at some points but not others, indestructible furniture (don’t you love a bomb proof table? Where can I buy one… Ikea maybe?) and the greatest sinner of them all… the locked door that you spend hours trying to unlock, only for it to lead you to… another locked door!!! NEARRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!
Bad game mechanics and design. Those game designers should be locked in a room until they learn how to program properly.
Behind a door that needs three crests, two silver keys, one gold key and a boss fight to open…
(Wow… FEEL THE POWER OF MY LEVEL 100 EDIT!)
Haha, that’s funny. Unfortunately locked doors in video games are much stronger than doors in real life. It can withstand shot guns, rocket launchers and grenades.
Help! After reading this article, my bedroom door decided to become locked! I’m running out of food and water, and I’m too high up to escape that way. . . I don’t have long. . .
You might have to defeat the end-of-level boss before you can leave the arena. Try running around in case the activation trigger hasn’t activated.
Have a wank.
Your mum is then guaranteed to open the door offering you a cup of tea.
Read it after listening to one Robert Duvall’s speeches in Network.
Epic
Jesus, I was just thinking how bad I hate those fuckers yesterday. Defies all fucking logic that I can’t break down a wood door with a grenade launcher. I could take out a fucking building with a grenade launcher!! It’s bullshit. My sentiments exactly, locked door I hate you!!
God I hate those things. Frakking invisible walls and locked doors. They should just make a door that was able to open but there’s a cliff after that! Same for invisible wall. So at least we have something to entertain ourselves and remember not to go there.
Oh how you speak the words of my own heart lol. I so hate those doors that i long so much to get behind but can never achieve my goal.Especially if you need something important and you know it’s behind a locked door so you send hours trying to get behind that one locked door that you can never get behind.Although i do love the picture of the bathroom in megaton.Easy to get into but who wants to get into a bathroom unless it’s silent hill lol