Rock, Paper, Shotgun

I Would Pay…

Posted by John Walker on June 29th, 2009 at 11:20 pm.

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Picture from Wikimedia Commons.

I would pay…

£3 a month for all tutorials to not explain how to move the mouse, but rather explain key aspects unique to their game.

£21 for all tutorials to not freeze the action while I’m trying to do the required task in order to tell me how to do the required task.

£45 for every company logo screen at the start of a game to be skippable, forever.

£37 to never read another article about the death of the adventure game (go buy Time Gentlemen, Please this bloody instant).

An extra £10 for a version of Burnout: Paradise that loaded straight to the car on the road, and not the 47 screens I have to click through.

An extra £5 on top of that for it to never play Guns N’ Roses at me ever again.

£100 to never hear Paradise City by Guns N’ Roses ever again, anywhere.

£25 for there to never be another Leisure Suit Larry game.

£41 to never read another forum post informing me that all games critics are corrupt and take bribes and only write positive things if they’ve been paid.

£30 for someone to make a version of (the completely fantastic) DOSbox I can halfway begin to understand (because I am very stupid).

£55 for all games to have an option to switch subtitles on and switch voice acting off.

An extra £10 for any MMO that will give me a (worthwhile) mount from level 1.

£4.50 on top of any game price to have female characters with realistic breasts, possibly wearing baggy clothes.

£48 to ensure no game ever again takes away all my powers at any point.

£200 for all boss fights to be removed from all games forever.

Um. I’ve got four million more of these. What are you willing to pay for, readers?

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281 Comments »

  1. RobF says:

    £regular amount of monthly cash for The Pickfords to fix up the bugs in Naked War.

    Sadly, I fear I’m in a minority for that one.

  2. Flopsy says:

    $50 for games (especially Steam ones, for example) to save my progress somewhere ONLINE as well as offline on my PC, so when I’ve upgraded my OS or reinstalled it for some reason, I can reinstall the game and continue where I left off, instead of having to remember to save every little crappy file in Vista\Your Stuff\His Stuff\Their Stuff\Games\Crap\Saves\ folder before I clean my system.

    $50 to ban ‘Quicktime Events’ in every PC game, even console ports.

    $500 to have about two or three extra hours a day to just play games instead of having a zillion other more important, but way less entertaining, things to do.

  3. WaywardBuddha says:

    – An extra $15 a month for Blizzard to create an Adults-Only WoW server that is restricted to people that work full-time jobs and are over the age of 22. I’ve been asking them to create age-based servers since the game was originally released. I pay for this. I would SO pay.

    – $50 for a complete rewrite of the first two FreeSpace games using the EVE backdrops. Actually, scratch that… I want EVE to play like FreeSpace. Against the FreeSpace NPC enemies. MMO FreeSpace. I want that. I really, really do.

    – $50 for Valve to make the next version of Left 4 Dead have substantial and rewarding single player content.. because I really hate hearing random people cuss and squeal in voice chat.

    – $500 (yes, I really would pay it) for someone to rewrite the Ultima games. All the Ultima games, including Underworld, as one huge epic 1st/3rd-person adventure. I long for this. You don’t get writing like that anymore, or as lush of environments.

  4. Dave Gates says:

    MOOOONNNNSSSTTTROOOOOO
    About 600quid a day.

  5. Him says:

    £34.99 for MechWarrior 5 – providing it was a hardcore ‘Mech sim, and not a prettied-up arcade game.
    I’d pay another £10 on top of that for a ‘Mech Pack.
    And a further £5 for a “Hello Kitty” custom skin for the Marauder II.

  6. Buckermann says:

    10€ for a “meh” game,
    20€ for a good game and
    30€ for a very good game.
    100€ for games to be moddable by cheap (preferable open source) tools.

  7. Pundabaya says:

    20 quid for some sort of central options widget, where you can set mouse options (sensitivity/invert) resolution etc… and every PC game would then automatically boot with those options applied.

  8. po says:

    My left kidney for open source WoW. All I see in the engine is potential. The game is wasted on it’s publishers, who only see the money in it, not the game it could be.

    I’m just glad there’s projects out there like Ascent and Mangos, and hope that some day Blizzard will shrivel up and die like the rotten thing they are, so people can create some content with real depth to it, just like so many people do for Valve’s Source platform.

  9. jalf says:

    All I see in the engine is potential

    srsly?

    All I see in it is a rehash of the same primitive technology that has been used for MMO’s for a decade. There is nothing special about the WoW “engine”. You could at least ask for something like Bigworld, or the Eve Online server code.

  10. Dominic White says:

    @Pundabaya – They’ve already got that on the 360, where you have profile settings for vertical invert, difficulty and such, and games automatically switch to them. They could probably do it with the PC too, but folks tend to bitterly resist any attempt at standardization.

  11. Thrawny says:

    £300 to remove quick time events from every game made from now til games are no more.

  12. Jay says:

    £200 for all relevant games to have colour blind compatability modes.

  13. DarkNoghri says:

    For those who like boss fights, especially with shooty aircraft things, try Warning Forever.

    10$ for remakes/sequels of Tie Fighter and Freelancer. Barring that, put them up on GoG.

  14. roryok says:

    £41 to never read another forum post informing me that all games critics are corrupt and take bribes and only write positive things if they’ve been paid.

    If you’d only take the bribes like everyone else maybe we could afford all this stuff! Also you could write the real review in bold between the lines, for the rest of us to read :

    e.g:

    Just Cause: “This game is absolutely amazing. The atmosphere is thick and rich, the gameplay blows me away! Don’t miss this one, buy it now!”

  15. Lambchops says:

    I’m sure someone has already mentioned this but on the off chance that they haven’t (albiet unlikely) the trick with DosBox is to buy a decent front end like D-Fend Reloaded that does all the thinking for you.

    I’m stupid too but I’ve never failed to get a game working by using it!

    Also i’ woul pay 60 quid for the Beyond Good and Evil sequel to not be a disappointment.

  16. zipdrive says:

    1000 $ to be able to give away your games on steam when you’re done with them.

  17. Jim Reaper says:

    £100 for the resurrection of the Pro Pinball series.

    £500 for Dungeon Keeper 3

    I know it’s not a PC game, but £1000 for Devil’s Crush Returns to be promptly made!

  18. Speedcore says:

    Haha the paradise one killed it! I have been playing it on the 360 it just takes forever to get into the game!

    $1000 Not starting any FPS shooting game with a Pistol or crowbar. I mean when was the last time you saw a crowbar lying on the ground?

    $50 having any crates outside of warehouses.

    $11 to be able to save/load anywhere in GTA4 and not start in an safehouse.

  19. Speedcore says:

    that was not having crates outside of warehouses :( I forgot this site no longer lets you edit posts.

    I’ll pay $100 to get that feature back.

  20. Ib says:

    200£ for realistic female AND male body figures

  21. LeftOvers says:

    My left testicle for game developers to focus on a decent story and not multi-player. Some people don’t like multi that much you know?

  22. Zaphod says:

    $100 to never have to play another “keep the stupid AI character alive while he runs straight toward the people trying to stab/shoot/blow up them”

  23. NintendoFreak says:

    $20 to get rid of the Water temples in Zelda, or to make them easier…. It was the second last dungeon and one of the hardest. And an extra 25 bux in it to slow down quicksand, and $10 to make AI not run infront of you when your pumping out round after round from your machine gun in FPS’s etc.

  24. Kizzi says:

    £100 for every game to have 100% re-mappable controls, including mouse buttons where appropriate.

  25. Zentek says:

    ONE MILLION DOLLARS FOR DUKE NUKEM FOREVER. : (

  26. InfamousTaco says:

    $100,000 for there to never be a new mario game. Ever.

  27. Frye says:

    $80 for Dungeon Keeper 3.

  28. Someone says:

    100 euros for each and every single one of you morons to die a horrible, slow and painful death.

  29. Tyb4lt says:

    500$ if game Company´s would make game’s with a good storyline and FPS longer then 6 hours of gameplay
    (why cant games come in more then 1 disk anymore… )

  30. Dash says:

    I’d pay any amount of money for a new Dungeon Keeper game, seriously. Anything, you name it and I’ll pay it.

  31. felix says:

    £1.50 for someone to summarise all of the above for me.

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