A surprise new TF2 update has arrived, and it has absolutely no class. In fact, it’s about as daft an update as you could hope for, with Day 1’s offerings giving you eighteen new hats, and a new Arena map. “After setting a new standard for Lack of Class in an FPS with the addition of Jarate (the jar-based Karate),” explains the TF2 blog, “we’ve raised the bar on lowering the tone even further with the first ever Classless Update!”
The update page explains,
“Throughout history, men have worn hats as a way of showing how much better they are than other men. ‘I buy hats,’ a behatted man seems to say. ‘I am better than you.’”
and continues on teaching the important history of hats.
The new arena is Offblast, and is described thus:
Arena Offblast is a fast-paced, high-altitude community map set in a top secret missile silo wedged into the top of a hollowed-out mountain. Open-air paths and narrow hallways converge on a central control point located just under the silo’s blast doors.
This mountaintop arena also boasts a sheer cliff face encircling the battleground, giving you the chance to help your opponents improve their tactics. Specifically, anyone you blast over the side will get some time to think about the various flaws in their “standing next to the edge of a cliff” strategy as they plummet to an excruciating, non-respawnable death.
What else do you imagine might feature in this surprise week of what looks to be potentially silly updates?
Related Stories:
Left to right:
Jamiroquai
Gentlemen(UK version)
Fahrenheit 451
There must be a Fez for the heavy – that is all.
I thought left was a bit more Flavor Flav.
“He’s not DMJ! DMJ’s hat is much less… suave! SPY!“
-a second Payload Race map
-the Soldier angrily blowing up the Classless Update on Day 6 and just bringing in his own unlockables, because YOU ARE ALL WEAK!
-a new system for acquiring unlockables that will make everyone happy (and also end hunger all over the world using secretly farmed unicorns)
YAY HATS!
although, after about 30 hours of me and my clan playing on our server since the last update, only 1 person has got a hat, AND HE NEVER EVEN PLAYS MEDIC!
So, when will I be able to exchange my 10 afterburners and 7 kritzkriegs for anything usefu… ooh, look, hats !
So when will I get back the 10 unlocked weapons I did have and starting getting new ones again since I lost all my old ones no one ones have unlocked for weeks.
Soldier update in disguise.
Extra. Extra. Read more about it.
There’s three links there, I have no idea what any of them mean except perhaps – headshots = prizes, perhaps?
“There must be a Fez for the heavy – that is all.”
Yes, yes, yes a thousand times yes.
There’s a fourth one, B
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/hats/
A non-arena alpine map. Please. I’m really begging you this time, Valve.
“-the Soldier angrily blowing up the Classless Update on Day 6 and just bringing in his own unlockables, because YOU ARE ALL WEAK!”
That would be priceless. And amazing. Sun Tzu-like even.
I sorta admire them for continuing to make Arena maps no one plays.
I assumed that this one:http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/barbary/ means that you can now acquire hats by killing a hatted oponent. Seems like a good idea, considering how rare they are now. Might make a hatter something of a target though.
Loving the olde English on the pamphlet.
Curses to html. The_B’s ‘read more about it’, that is.
Fifth one
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/hats/teleporter.jpg
Valve are master trolls.
I second Oak.
Bring forth an initiative for more green in TF2.
Furthermore, unlock everything for everyone, ending the problems instantly.
@Psychopomp:
They have outdone Evangelion in terms of mindscrews.
The steam forums have also picked up on a few hidden pages as well, in the form of some typically funny and inappropriate period adverts.
One of these is particularly interesting since it hints that they may be adding in the ability for people to steal hats from their victims.
Like a lot of people I’ve never found a single one, although I havent picked up TF2 in a good while.
The advert in question:
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/barbary/
The thread on steampowered.com with links to another couple of adverts people have noticed:
http://forums.steampowered.com/forums/showthread.php?t=936160
Ah damn, beaten to it. F5 has failed me.
It’s funny how the first pamphlet states “In next quarter’s pamphelt: A Colloquy On The Soldier’s Arte,” isn’t it?
It’s funny how the first pamphlet states “In next quarter’s pamphlet: A Colloquy On The Soldier’s Arte,” isn’t it?
The ‘Enigmatical’ suggests… a return for the Medic’s plague from TFC? Zeppelin unlocks (for the engineer?) or an airship based map?? Soldier update next/coming up as a stealth element of this update???
Whatever they’re hinting at might as well be intentional misdirection at this point, so I’ve given up on speculation.
My bets are on Soldier/Engy stealthupdate, and Meet the Medic.
The hinting so far has generally been spot on – any intentional misdirection regarding unlocks etc. has been ludicrous (e.g. the other items in the Spy update – pens for writing on sharks etc.) while the plausible-sounding stuff has turned up… still, we just have to wait and see, but this kind of thing is why people should still love Valve however short-changed they feel regarding L4D/2…
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/hats/
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/barbary/
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/advertisement/
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/enigmatical/
oh maaaaaaaaaaaaah goooooooooood so excited!@!@
I am so pleased they’ve continued down the silly path with TF2, nothing better to liven up what could have become another po faced multiplayer with lashings of absurdity.
The best part of all the silliness is how it upsets the “hardcore” gamers.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbary_Coast
“The name is derived from the Berber people of north Africa.”
Demoman?
@TCM
Indeed. Whiny manchildren, who think they’re “hardcore” are extremely amusing.
Psycho: that last link you posted is just an image on the hats one.
Looks like fun, it’s a shame they didn’t implement this back when I was still interested in playing. Good on Valve for continuing to support the game, though, even if they did kind of screw up my fun with the random drop business.
Psychopomp: I think you’re trying too hard.
Still: super excited for whatever turns up!
They didn’t make that Blastoff map, it’s a custom map.
@MacBeth: I played a custom map once with AirShips. Each team had about 20 players, and blasted the crap out of each other, while standing on an exposed part of the deck to make them move around an on rails course.
Totally bizarre, but surprisingly fun.
@B
I know what it’s from. It’s the name that’s interesting…
VALVE WHY MUST YOU PLAY WITH US?
There’s a typo in the title (udpate)
Also, I want these hats more than the current ones so bad.
Meanwhile, the teleporter-stuck glitch is STILL unfixed almost 2 years after release and discovery.
GJ VALVE
The sharketh it haveth beeneth jumped.
I, too, would really, really, REALLY like to see the alpine setting being used for a map. A payload race map with this setting and I would stop playing all other maps for weeks :D
What is this stuck teleporter glitch?
Zeppelin one seemed to hint at medic stuff
Arena. Poor, sickly, non-respawnable Arena.
What fucking teleporter glitch?
Zeppelin may be an official Boat race game mode? That would be so awesome.
From an old TF2 Blog post.
- Giving players a method to influence the system so they can work directly toward getting specific items.
I think that might be killing hatted players to gain hats.
@krondonian: that map’s a favorite on the Twisted Network server. Having everyone crowded on the airship, spamming away at the other team, is pretty damn fun, even if it does get pretty glitchy. The absurd custom maps and game modes are a welcome diversion from standard TF2. (Same went for TFC.)