By John Walker on August 11th, 2009 at 11:17 pm.
A surprise new TF2 update has arrived, and it has absolutely no class. In fact, it’s about as daft an update as you could hope for, with Day 1′s offerings giving you eighteen new hats, and a new Arena map. “After setting a new standard for Lack of Class in an FPS with the addition of Jarate (the jar-based Karate),” explains the TF2 blog, “we’ve raised the bar on lowering the tone even further with the first ever Classless Update!”
The update page explains,
“Throughout history, men have worn hats as a way of showing how much better they are than other men. ‘I buy hats,’ a behatted man seems to say. ‘I am better than you.’”
and continues on teaching the important history of hats.
The new arena is Offblast, and is described thus:
Arena Offblast is a fast-paced, high-altitude community map set in a top secret missile silo wedged into the top of a hollowed-out mountain. Open-air paths and narrow hallways converge on a central control point located just under the silo’s blast doors.
This mountaintop arena also boasts a sheer cliff face encircling the battleground, giving you the chance to help your opponents improve their tactics. Specifically, anyone you blast over the side will get some time to think about the various flaws in their “standing next to the edge of a cliff” strategy as they plummet to an excruciating, non-respawnable death.
What else do you imagine might feature in this surprise week of what looks to be potentially silly updates?
11/08/2009 at 23:21 Tei says:
Left to right:
Jamiroquai
Gentlemen(UK version)
Fahrenheit 451
11/08/2009 at 23:23 Starky says:
There must be a Fez for the heavy – that is all.
11/08/2009 at 23:23 John Walker says:
I thought left was a bit more Flavor Flav.
11/08/2009 at 23:25 DMJ says:
“He’s not DMJ! DMJ’s hat is much less… suave! SPY!“
11/08/2009 at 23:27 greenB says:
-a second Payload Race map
-the Soldier angrily blowing up the Classless Update on Day 6 and just bringing in his own unlockables, because YOU ARE ALL WEAK!
-a new system for acquiring unlockables that will make everyone happy (and also end hunger all over the world using secretly farmed unicorns)
11/08/2009 at 23:36 MrBejeebus says:
YAY HATS!
although, after about 30 hours of me and my clan playing on our server since the last update, only 1 person has got a hat, AND HE NEVER EVEN PLAYS MEDIC!
11/08/2009 at 23:37 Hoernchen says:
So, when will I be able to exchange my 10 afterburners and 7 kritzkriegs for anything usefu… ooh, look, hats !
11/08/2009 at 23:38 Serondal says:
So when will I get back the 10 unlocked weapons I did have and starting getting new ones again since I lost all my old ones no one ones have unlocked for weeks.
11/08/2009 at 23:42 TCM says:
Soldier update in disguise.
11/08/2009 at 23:43 The_B says:
Extra. Extra. Read more about it.
There’s three links there, I have no idea what any of them mean except perhaps – headshots = prizes, perhaps?
11/08/2009 at 23:46 nath says:
“There must be a Fez for the heavy – that is all.”
Yes, yes, yes a thousand times yes.
11/08/2009 at 23:48 Psychopomp says:
There’s a fourth one, B
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/hats/
11/08/2009 at 23:49 Oak says:
A non-arena alpine map. Please. I’m really begging you this time, Valve.
11/08/2009 at 23:57 DK says:
“-the Soldier angrily blowing up the Classless Update on Day 6 and just bringing in his own unlockables, because YOU ARE ALL WEAK!”
That would be priceless. And amazing. Sun Tzu-like even.
11/08/2009 at 23:59 darkripper says:
I sorta admire them for continuing to make Arena maps no one plays.
12/08/2009 at 00:04 Krondonian says:
I assumed that this one:http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/barbary/ means that you can now acquire hats by killing a hatted oponent. Seems like a good idea, considering how rare they are now. Might make a hatter something of a target though.
Loving the olde English on the pamphlet.
12/08/2009 at 00:05 Krondonian says:
Curses to html. The_B’s ‘read more about it’, that is.
12/08/2009 at 00:05 Psychopomp says:
Fifth one
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/hats/teleporter.jpg
Valve are master trolls.
12/08/2009 at 00:09 Shigeko says:
I second Oak.
Bring forth an initiative for more green in TF2.
Furthermore, unlock everything for everyone, ending the problems instantly.
12/08/2009 at 00:13 TCM says:
@Psychopomp:
They have outdone Evangelion in terms of mindscrews.
12/08/2009 at 00:14 Collic says:
The steam forums have also picked up on a few hidden pages as well, in the form of some typically funny and inappropriate period adverts.
One of these is particularly interesting since it hints that they may be adding in the ability for people to steal hats from their victims.
Like a lot of people I’ve never found a single one, although I havent picked up TF2 in a good while.
The advert in question:
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/barbary/
The thread on steampowered.com with links to another couple of adverts people have noticed:
http://forums.steampowered.com/forums/showthread.php?t=936160
12/08/2009 at 00:16 Collic says:
Ah damn, beaten to it. F5 has failed me.
12/08/2009 at 00:19 Ansob. says:
It’s funny how the first pamphlet states “In next quarter’s pamphelt: A Colloquy On The Soldier’s Arte,” isn’t it?
12/08/2009 at 00:20 Ansob. says:
It’s funny how the first pamphlet states “In next quarter’s pamphlet: A Colloquy On The Soldier’s Arte,” isn’t it?
12/08/2009 at 00:24 MacBeth says:
The ‘Enigmatical’ suggests… a return for the Medic’s plague from TFC? Zeppelin unlocks (for the engineer?) or an airship based map?? Soldier update next/coming up as a stealth element of this update???
12/08/2009 at 00:26 pkt-zer0 says:
Whatever they’re hinting at might as well be intentional misdirection at this point, so I’ve given up on speculation.
12/08/2009 at 00:28 TCM says:
My bets are on Soldier/Engy stealthupdate, and Meet the Medic.
12/08/2009 at 00:31 MacBeth says:
The hinting so far has generally been spot on – any intentional misdirection regarding unlocks etc. has been ludicrous (e.g. the other items in the Spy update – pens for writing on sharks etc.) while the plausible-sounding stuff has turned up… still, we just have to wait and see, but this kind of thing is why people should still love Valve however short-changed they feel regarding L4D/2…
12/08/2009 at 00:40 sockpuppetclock says:
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/hats/
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/barbary/
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/advertisement/
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/enigmatical/
oh maaaaaaaaaaaaah goooooooooood so excited!@!@
12/08/2009 at 00:45 Monchberter says:
I am so pleased they’ve continued down the silly path with TF2, nothing better to liven up what could have become another po faced multiplayer with lashings of absurdity.
12/08/2009 at 00:47 TCM says:
The best part of all the silliness is how it upsets the “hardcore” gamers.
12/08/2009 at 00:48 Psychopomp says:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbary_Coast
“The name is derived from the Berber people of north Africa.”
Demoman?
12/08/2009 at 00:49 Psychopomp says:
@TCM
Indeed. Whiny manchildren, who think they’re “hardcore” are extremely amusing.
12/08/2009 at 00:54 The_B says:
Psycho: that last link you posted is just an image on the hats one.
12/08/2009 at 01:00 Vinraith says:
Looks like fun, it’s a shame they didn’t implement this back when I was still interested in playing. Good on Valve for continuing to support the game, though, even if they did kind of screw up my fun with the random drop business.
12/08/2009 at 01:05 PleasingFungus says:
Psychopomp: I think you’re trying too hard.
Still: super excited for whatever turns up!
12/08/2009 at 01:19 Wirbelwind says:
They didn’t make that Blastoff map, it’s a custom map.
12/08/2009 at 01:20 Krondonian says:
@MacBeth: I played a custom map once with AirShips. Each team had about 20 players, and blasted the crap out of each other, while standing on an exposed part of the deck to make them move around an on rails course.
Totally bizarre, but surprisingly fun.
12/08/2009 at 01:31 Psychopomp says:
@B
I know what it’s from. It’s the name that’s interesting…
VALVE WHY MUST YOU PLAY WITH US?
12/08/2009 at 01:56 Verdugo says:
There’s a typo in the title (udpate)
Also, I want these hats more than the current ones so bad.
12/08/2009 at 02:09 DERP says:
Meanwhile, the teleporter-stuck glitch is STILL unfixed almost 2 years after release and discovery.
GJ VALVE
12/08/2009 at 02:14 Q says:
The sharketh it haveth beeneth jumped.
12/08/2009 at 02:27 abhishek says:
I, too, would really, really, REALLY like to see the alpine setting being used for a map. A payload race map with this setting and I would stop playing all other maps for weeks :D
12/08/2009 at 02:33 Alex says:
What is this stuck teleporter glitch?
12/08/2009 at 02:39 perilisk says:
Zeppelin one seemed to hint at medic stuff
12/08/2009 at 02:39 Dorian Cornelius Jasper says:
Arena. Poor, sickly, non-respawnable Arena.
12/08/2009 at 02:45 Psychopomp says:
What fucking teleporter glitch?
12/08/2009 at 02:58 Concept says:
Zeppelin may be an official Boat race game mode? That would be so awesome.
12/08/2009 at 03:02 Concept says:
From an old TF2 Blog post.
- Giving players a method to influence the system so they can work directly toward getting specific items.
I think that might be killing hatted players to gain hats.
12/08/2009 at 03:17 Rich_P says:
@krondonian: that map’s a favorite on the Twisted Network server. Having everyone crowded on the airship, spamming away at the other team, is pretty damn fun, even if it does get pretty glitchy. The absurd custom maps and game modes are a welcome diversion from standard TF2. (Same went for TFC.)
12/08/2009 at 03:19 Concept says:
And by boat, I meant balloon.
12/08/2009 at 03:19 Psychopomp says:
http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/advertisement/Productive_Member_Of_Society.jpg
For anyone who only gets black on Advertisement
12/08/2009 at 03:44 DarkNoghri says:
@Psychopomp
I got black on Advertisement until I un-Adblocked teamfortress.com. Funny, kinda.
@krondonian
Balloon Race? No Heroes used to run a server for it. I’m not sure if they still do. It was kinda unbalanced, but hilariously fun.
Everyone, there are several (at least) Alpine custom maps, including cp_yukon, which is (was?) being tested in competitive circles.
Tf2maps.net also recently released a ‘swamp’ theme, so there should be some of those coming out soon.
Lastly, the picture I’m currently using for my new TF2 spray:
http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm66/darknoghri/towerofhats.png
12/08/2009 at 03:47 The Right to Arm Bears says:
How do you bally RPS Brits feel about all the arcane language in this update? Makes you bloody excited, doesn’t it? ;)
12/08/2009 at 03:56 Persus-9 says:
I wonder if they’re going to introduce a hatless skins for all the characters that have hats by default like the scout in the picture and maybe even make them the default skins and make people collect even the old hats.
I hope they don’t change the hat drop rate at least not much. Currently I have one hat (the snipers which I think is probably the most boring and sniper is one of my least played classes) but I like that fact that not everyone has them and it’ll be a big jolt of excitement when a good one does drop assuming the rate stays the same.
Also it looks like the trading system is coming in judging by the ‘barbary’ and ‘hats’ hidden pictures so maybe I’ll be able to swap my hat for something a little more my style.
I personally enjoy a bit of arena now and then so I’m glad to see a new map get the nod. It’s a very different game from normal TF2 and one I enjoy almost as much and contrary to Darkripper there is actually quite an active little arena community, most of the 24/7 arena servers on my favourites are full or close to it most of the time, they even manage to stay half full all night. I think there’s a perception that arena is unpopular because it’s such a different dynamic from pl, cp or ctf that quite rightly nobody includes arena maps on the rotations of regular servers.
Finally with the teleporter ref and the soldier’s arte ref I’m also betting this is the soldier and engy update. Flying sentries looks like a good one, I was wonder how you could change the sentry but a flying one so that it’s safe from sappers and stickies but can’t be repaired is certainly one good way.
The poisons, healing and cogwheel blockage references on the ‘advertisement’ and ‘enigmatical’ hidden pages is are interesting. Poisoned weapons that give a debuff that can be removed by other players with the skill? Healing, sapping and repairing done by classes other than medics, spys and engies? Interesting. Perhaps weaker talents so the blockages would never destroy the machines and the healing would just be like being able to carry a healthpack. Very interesting. I await tomorrow with baited breath. Now so go and look what the trolls, madmen and idiots over on the steam forums have to say…
12/08/2009 at 04:19 Small Ivory Knight says:
I did a anagram solver for “Zepheniah Mann and Sons”
And what did I find?
amazons daphnes hennin!
That obviously means that they’re going to release female versions of our male characters. *nods sagely*
12/08/2009 at 04:36 T. Slothrop says:
Need more Payload maps, for the love of all things Jazz era.
12/08/2009 at 04:39 DK says:
I just love that they’re continuing the Mann Co. thing.
12/08/2009 at 04:45 Blast Hardcheese says:
This thread is a ZOO!
12/08/2009 at 05:00 radomaj says:
Blast: Unless it’s a farm!
12/08/2009 at 05:23 Chalkster says:
@Blast & Rajomaj
Thread over.
Nothing else needs to be said.
12/08/2009 at 07:10 Seniath says:
Let’s forget the hats for the moment and focus on the name of the Arena map. ZLAD!, anyone?
12/08/2009 at 07:11 Nootrishus says:
Hmm, could just be picking straws at random but there is use of the word Mortar on the http://www.teamfortress.com/classless/hidden/hats/ page (in the recipe for gooseberrys. If this is a hidden soldier update, seems to me a mortar based weapon could be viable.
Thoughts?
12/08/2009 at 07:27 sigma83 says:
No no no, it’s called a TZU. Sun Tzu said that!
I really do hope it is the soldier update. Soldier is my most played class, simply because of its innate ‘Get shit done’ quality.
But if it is not, I shall be content to know that we will be in for more Valve supplied humor
12/08/2009 at 07:42 zpglazer says:
@Nootrishus, totally embracing all straws in one of the pictures (atlus man style ad?) the demoman and soldier were talking over a book about weapons, could hint at soldier mortat? I am sort of into accepting any and anything right now though…
12/08/2009 at 07:43 Ryx says:
18 new hats.. 9 hats for each class and a hatless skin, too, maybe?
12/08/2009 at 07:54 Psychopomp says:
@Seniath
Oh, dear lord. Look what you’ve done.
Now my girlfriend has nostalgia’d, and is singing that.
12/08/2009 at 08:07 NukeLord says:
Is the ‘enigmatical’ page hinting at broadswords and musket guns for the soldier?
My guess is ‘maybe’.
12/08/2009 at 08:17 V!NCENT says:
Too… fscking… funny x’D
12/08/2009 at 08:27 Tei says:
18 hats:
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
jan Eta sewi li jo e sike mute.
The noble Eldar have many rings.
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
jan Kasa li jo e sike mute li lon tomo kiwen.
The Dwarves have many rings (and) are in stone buildings.
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
jan Ana li jo e sike mute li moli.
Humans have many rings and die.
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
jan lawa pimeja li jo e sike wan
The dark leader has one ring
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
li lon ma Moto pimeja.
(and) is in the shadowy land of Mordor.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
sike wan li lawa e ali. sike wan li lukin e ma ali.
The one ring controls everything. The one ring sees all countries.
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
sike wan li kama jo e ali li wan e ali kepeken ike
The one ring gets everything and unites everything using evil
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
lon ma Moto pimeja.
in the shadowy land of Mordor.
This spells the existence of The One Hat.
12/08/2009 at 08:40 Bobic says:
18 hats:
Three Hats for the scouts jumping under the sky,
Seven for the engies in their sentry nests,
Nine for the blue team doomed to die,
One for the Flame Lord(ess?) on his(?) dark throne
In the Land of 2fort where the spies lie.
One hat to rule them all, One hat to find them,
One hat to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of 2fort where the spies die.
This spells the existence of The One Hat.
12/08/2009 at 08:44 jon_hill987 says:
Am I the only one who thinks that hats are stupid? Valve stated that they wanted to make the silhouettes recognisable, the hats break this. They have also changed what was an unusual art style into a joke. Most of the new hats are out of character as well. I just hope they don’t decide to add stat boosts to certain hats, that would stop me playing altogether…
12/08/2009 at 09:34 dartt says:
I’m hoping for cp_redfort to make it in to the official rotation! Come on redfort!
12/08/2009 at 09:35 autogunner says:
@ jon.
yes, yes you are
12/08/2009 at 10:01 r.dee says:
I think they may introduce item trading since they already mentioned it previosly and this item acqusition mechanism really needs to be mastered.
12/08/2009 at 10:09 Lack_26 says:
I do hope we get a Zeppelin map, that would be excellent.
12/08/2009 at 10:42 reaper47 says:
Now some hats for L4D, pls.
12/08/2009 at 10:47 Legionary says:
@jon: the hats don’t make the silhouettes difficult to recognise though. Are you seriously saying you might mistake a medic and a scout just because the medic’s wearing a hat? In TF2 not only are the silhouettes different in terms of the model, but the classes all move in a different way – and that’s just as important and is not at all affected by wearing a hat.
12/08/2009 at 10:50 Rabbitsoup says:
Why has no one mentioned the TF2 beta a bunch of div 1 teams have been playing. It looks like this patch maybe a major rebalance making lots of classes more viable than they currently are. I am much more excited about this update than the last few because of this.
12/08/2009 at 11:09 jon_hill987 says:
@ Legionary: It isn’t just about the silhouettes, it is about taking what was a nice art style and making it tacky by giving them out of character hats (some work, I’ll admit). If I wanted ridiculous costumes I would play Battlefield Heroes.
12/08/2009 at 12:31 Tei says:
@Bobic: I like more your version. Evil hat’s are awesome. Looks here, in this very thread, already confussion and in-fighting as started. Is the work of the Lord(ess) of 2fort!
His hand is longer this year…
12/08/2009 at 12:47 DK says:
Stat boosts for Hats are the plan. More RPG elements seem to be the goal.
12/08/2009 at 12:48 Cooper says:
I saw a spy’s fedora come tumbling to the ground when I wasted him last night. Not seen that happen with hats before (at least not unless still attached to decapitated head).
I instinctively ran after it… But didn’t pick it up… Boo…
12/08/2009 at 13:26 jon_hill987 says:
@DK: Dear God I hope not, I want a competitive shooter not World of Team Fortress.
12/08/2009 at 13:53 Fullbleed says:
Spy: Guv’nor?
12/08/2009 at 14:46 Vandelay says:
@jon_hill987 – TF2 isn’t really a competitive shooter though. Elements like the critical hits and unlockable weapons means that it could never be taken seriously as a really competitive game. Of course, if you do want to play competitively it is easy to remove all of these elements of the game, as they already do with the random critical hits.
I’m intrigued with what may follow with this update. A sneaky inclusion of the soldier maybe possible, but doesn’t really reflect his style as it did with the spy. Surely if it was a soldier update he would be screaming about it from day 1. Rabbitsoup has me even more intrigued, care to elaborate?
Still got no hats after a fair amount of play, so a change in the unlock system would be welcome. Some of these new ones look really good, compared to some of the rather dull ones from the original hat update (sniper, for example.)
Hopefully, we won’t get any more Arena maps. Never understand why these updates always contain lots of them when no one ever plays Arena. Some more Payload maps (the inclusion of Hoodoo last time was a disappointment) and Payload Race maps would be awesome, or some 5 CP maps.
12/08/2009 at 15:32 Rabbitsoup says:
@Vandelay
Would love to elaborate but I cant really as there isn’t much info, I thought it was lies at first but have been told otherwise and now think its probably true.
there is a thread on the cesspit that is the steam forums here: http://forums.steampowered.com/forums/showthread.php?t=930130
best evidence is really http://steamcommunity.com/id/robinwalker
look at the games list
12/08/2009 at 15:44 Eyre says:
The way I read it, maybe you can acquire any unlockable item (weapon or hat) by killing someone who has it equipped. They have been talking about a new way to deliver unlocks, because grinding for achievements only benefited the hardcore players, and the random drops, while fine, are kind of annoying if you are like me and have only 2 unlocks left to get (both of the Spy watches). I’m pretty sure Robin Walker stated (in an interview or on the blog?) that you will be glad you hung on to those extra Kritzkriegs (or whatever). Could it be that you might lose the one you have equipped if you are killed by a player that does not have one?
12/08/2009 at 16:14 Persus-9 says:
@ Dartt: I’d also love Redfort to be made official. That would be great but I just wonder if it’s too soon for Redfort? I mean it isn’t out of beta yet, although I wonder if it ever will be.
@jon_hill987: Na, plenty of people think that. Just go over to the official TF2 forum. Personally I think your wrong, TF2 has always been a very very silly game. That’s why I love it.
@ Rabbitsoup: They also mentioned the old getting into competitive TF2 forum thread on the blog recently. I wonder if they might be releasing an official competitive play mode for TF2 with none of the new fangled silliness that gets competitive players so hot under the collar. I doubt it’ll be a complete rebalance because for the average joe the classes aren’t that badly balanced.
@Vandelay: You say nobody plays arena but I just checked the server lists and there are a good 50
active arena servers on there so quite a few people are playing it they just don’t play it on the normal servers. It might not be as popular as CP, CTF or PL but it’s still a popular game and I think you need to consider how much work needs to go into making and testing an arena map compared to a CTF, CP or PL map. The arena maps are so small and there are so few balance issues that Valve can probably do enough play testing to rubber stamp a new community map in a day. A good 5 CP map on the other hand like you want, is almost impossible to balance, heck even the ones that are official result in walkovers all to often. So in terms of size of gifts from Valve although they’re both maps they’re not really equivalent, an arena map is a much less expensive gift in terms of the amount of work required on Valves behalf so just because we got an arena map yesterday doesn’t mean they could have given us a 5 CP instead and as such I don’t think you should resent the arena community getting more new maps. Having said that I’d love to see CP_Freight given the nod, it’s about the only 5 CP map I actually like.
12/08/2009 at 16:51 greenB says:
@Eyre: I fear that would lead to two things. One, griefers would have another incentive to spawn-camp and generally play TF2 as a deathmatch. Two, the shitstorm over the random drops would pale in comparison to the reactions now: if someone just killing you a few times means you lose all your equipment for your current class, that’s not fun.
I rather think that there’ll be
a) a drop modifier system that doesn’t take stuff away from players – for example, your drop chance for a Huntsman could increase with every Huntsman-wielding sniper you kill – and
b) an item trading system (where I’d be happy to trade my surplus watches).
12/08/2009 at 17:42 Sitting Duck says:
@Dartt/Persius-9
I hate you so so much
12/08/2009 at 17:42 DarkNoghri says:
Speaking of hats: http://www.fpsbanana.com/skins/67195
12/08/2009 at 19:47 autogunner says:
also on the arena map thing, you can make an arena map pretty fast, then tweak it into a proper cp or flag capture map later on.
12/08/2009 at 20:28 zak canard says:
I’d just like the propeller beanie please thankyouveryglad.
12/08/2009 at 20:34 Hybrid says:
Please, sir…. May I have a hat?
12/08/2009 at 20:41 Psychopomp says:
World of Team Fortress comments got old immediately.
12/08/2009 at 23:02 fishmitten says:
Day two is up and looking fairly exciting.
13/08/2009 at 00:43 Amqz says:
I’m glad they admitted the lack of class of Jarate (the jar-based karate.)
13/08/2009 at 01:15 The Right to Arm Bears says:
Forgive me if I am the last to the party in terms of pointing this out, but the engy and the soldier are clearly the most plebeian of the classes. Almost “classless,” if you will. Should one need more proof of that statement, one need only look at how the spy (clearly the classiest class) refers to the engy as “laborer.” And the soldier rocket-jumps about while referring to everyone as “maggots” while pounding himself in the head with a shovel. You stay classy, soldier.
13/08/2009 at 01:34 Oak says:
A snow map. That’s the stuff.
13/08/2009 at 06:52 Jayt says:
A new cp map with a new setting (ie not desert)
13/08/2009 at 10:01 fishmitten says:
Say what you see, people.
13/08/2009 at 13:12 clint in the lolzwood says:
How do I get a hat?
I want a hat, dammit!