Verdict: Beat Down With Brown

By RPS on February 22nd, 2010 at 5:09 pm.

Run interns! Run!

In the wake of the extraordinary news stories regarding UK PM Gordon Brown and his alleged bullying of staff, one man saw that this needed to be explored in gaming form. That man was Steve Hogarty. That game is Beat Down With Brown: Intern Overload. Kieron and John give it a Verdict below.

Kieron: Bullying, eh?
John: I love it.
Kieron: I’m a big fan of those who practice it, and those who have it practiced upon them.
John: The only cure for bullying is to bully the bully, but worse. A doctor told me that.
Kieron: You are Israeli foriegn policy.
John: ANTI-SEMITE!
Kieron: My aunty was a semite :(
John: Who’s been bullying lately, then?
Kieron: Leaders of the free world. Apparently.
John: Each other?
Kieron: No.
John: Is Obama bullying Silvio Berlusconi?
Kieron: You’d hope so.
John: Yes.
Kieron: I mean, he’s asking for it. In a very real way.
John: Hmm.
Kieron: And Obama’s a big fella.
John: Hmm.
Kieron: In my head, it’s like Quinns picking on Alec.
John: Gordon Brown!
Kieron: Yes! Gordon Brown has been bullying. Apparently.
John: Allegedly. It’s an interesting story, primarily because no one in the major news networks is bothering to investigate if this so-called bullying charity is for real.
Kieron: Yeah – the situation seems like opening up into a glorious clusterfuck.
John: Now, we should probably stress that Labour HQ have strongly denied that prime minister Gordon Brown has ever punched an intern in the face.
Kieron: I was bullied by a charity worker on a train. And I gave them money. I sad face again.
John: Your lunch money?
Kieron: My Phonogram Royalties. So even less than that.
John: I don’t know about you, but I can only understand the major news stories of the day if they’re in gaming form.
Kieron: I just wish someone would make a game about it. But games take 1-4 years to make.
John: But Kieron, wait!
Kieron: What?!?!?!?
John: Steve Hogarty, editor of PC Zone, has totally made a game about it!
Kieron: That’s splendid.
John: Quickly, play it.
Kieron: …This is an accurate simulation of what it is to “be” Gordon Brown.
John: I recommend leaving it running in the background to see what happens.
John: So, which inspirations do you see Hogarty having taken for this game?
Kieron: The classic Capcom games, of course. It reminds me of Final Fight. In that it starred Hagar, the mayor of the city and this is an even more powerful political figure. Biffing.
John: I wonder if he’s drawn more of his inspiration from early cinema. Sergei Eisenstein, perhaps.
Kieron: It’s certainly possible.
John: I see echoes of Strike.
Kieron: It’s obviously an erudite piece I don’t feel capable of really critiquing.
John: Well yes, I mean, we’re not going to do it justice here with English words.
Kieron: Perhaps interpretative dance would be more the thing.
John: I wonder if it’s even beyond that medium.
Kieron: It’s tricky. I can’t help but think it’s the game that Braid wanted to be.
John: I think that’s a very fair point.
Kieron: Anyway, I would give it top marks if I even felt qualified to judge it.
Kieron: Two thumbs up. Or perhaps fingers pressed into the eyes. Of a subservient worker.
John: Two thumbs crushing the feeble eyeballs of an underling.
Kieron: That’s the spirit.
Kieron: Before we leave, the one thing I don’t get about the story… Haven’t we all seen The Thick Of It? High volume bullying is what we all want in high office.
John: He’s won my vote for sure!
Kieron: Yay!

By the way, if you’d like to help people prevent bullying, you can give money to a real anti-bullying charity, Bullying UK, by clicking here.

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40 Comments »

  1. MrCraigL says:

    I thought of the name for this : http://twitter.com/misterbrilliant/statuses/9478347655

    Totally putting that on my CV.

  2. Martin Coxall says:

    I set the satire level to HARDCORE.

  3. Zealot says:

    Yeah, apparently bullying is big in the UK. I’ve read some nasty stories about the staff of Motorola-UK, bullying foreign workers.

    Serious business

    • Martin Coxall says:

      “Bollocking” is a hallowed part of both British poltical and corporate culture. But there is a line between bollocking and bullying, even if it can sometimes seem faint.

  4. Diogo Ribeiro says:

    “Bullying UK”

    Shouldn’t it be “Anti-Bullying UK”? Otherwise, it’s like creating an organization against violence towards women and calling it “Wife Beater Inc.”

  5. Ian says:

    Nothing is beyond the medium of interpretative dance, Walker, AND WELL YOU KNOW IT.

  6. Ginger Yellow says:

    Pick on someone your own size, Gordon. God’s bigger than all of us.

    • golden_worm says:

      The ritual of the bullying ritual ;D

    • John Walker says:

      I’m so proud of our readers!

    • DMcCool says:

      You can always rely on RPS for Chris Morris references, even if our internet men are angrier than they used to be, we can still pump out the Chris Morris (and the Look Around You for that matter).

      That said I can’t think of any other references for this one…the game allows us to participate in some Bad Govermental Hurting? =/

  7. A-Scale says:

    That was incredibly funny. I lolled three or four times, and chuckled all the way. Love your humor, both of you.

  8. Man Raised By Puffins says:

    I don’t know about you, but I can only understand the major news stories of the day if they’re in gaming form.

    Conversely, I can no longer consume the days latest RPS stories without them first being re-rendered through xtranormal.

  9. Skusey says:

    The first time I played this I didn’t work out that Control was the punch button so I thought it was trying to tell me that Gordon didn’t punch anybody and I felt clever for thinking like that. Steve Hogarty’s twitter ruined that plan.

  10. Starky says:

    Once I almost lost my job for “bullying” other staff – in other words, having a go at lazy work shy tossers for sitting about doing nothing and leaving all the work to other people. You know the kind of person that can’t help you unload those 2 full trucks because they have a sore wrist/back/neck/soul and will moan constantly as they do as little as they can.

    Apparently the upset “feelings” of moaning idiots is more important to some companies (for arguments sake lets call them, Barks and Fencer) than the rage those same fools cause in the rest of the staff due to them doing sweet FA all day.

    Though fun fact, I made my useless pampering supervisor cry when I quit that job, and managed to get 2 of those whiners fired for theft.

    Good days.

  11. Irony says:

    You know, that account *does* make you sound a little like a bully…

  12. invisiblejesus says:

    Now I really want to vote for Gordon Brown. US politics would be so much more productive if only Obama were a violent sociopath. “YES WE CAN kick your ass!”

    • Lack_26 says:

      I know, I feel sort of guilty that this actually makes me want to vote for him more. Perhaps he could do election campaign videos where he’s walking through Downing street punching interns left, right and centre while discussing election promises.

    • Tom Camfield says:

      @ Lack_26

      I think The Thick Of It undermined any outrage I could feel; you’re supposed to shout at lazy addled brained underlings, no?

      Also, one of the bullying moments was when Brown got mad after the civil service lost the records of 20 million people. Like, er, you’d expect Brown to get somewhat shouty, right?

    • Nick says:

      The civil service is rife with work shy tossers who bully casual staff.

  13. Frosty says:

    Oh Steve, you make me feel guilty for cancelling my Zone subscription…..

  14. Phill Cameron says:

    Something glorious has started this day.

  15. Casimir's Blake says:

    Brown learned a few tricks from Prescott, it seems?

  16. Premium User Badge

    HermitUK says:

    I like how if you hold down control Brown’s fist just eats people. That’s the sort of Left Hook we need running this country.

    Edit: The graphics aren’t very realistic though. Anyone know how I enable PhysX china tea cup shards?

  17. Tim says:

    Nothing is beyond the power of interpretive dance!

  18. Tom Camfield says:

    Oooh, the charity lady resigned, it’s all unravelling.

    Plus: the paper really, really want a hung parliament.