Wot I Think: Star Wars Chess

By Alec Meer on April 1st, 2010 at 6:34 pm.

Oh man, I can’t imagine loving anything more than Star Wars. Spaceships and robots and laser swords and that masked evil dude who sounds like he needs a throat sweet – those cool 80s films are the best thing ever. And I really like chess too: it’s like a 3D videogame, only you don’t need to wear silly glasses! So Star Wars Chess is a dream come true, maybe even the game I’ve been waiting for my whole life. The only way the universe could possibly get any better would be if they made some new Star Wars films. That would be so awesome.

Star Wars Chess is chess with characters from Star Wars. Apart from Han, who only appears as a frozen carbonite block in the background. Maybe they thought everyone would be too confused because he looks like the guy in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? It’s got Luke, and R2-D2, and my favorite, Chewie! They’re all here! The white side are guys from the Rebel Alliance – R2D2 as pawns, Chewie as knight (let the wookiee win!), C-3P0 as the bishop and Yoda as the rook. Though it should have been Chewie as the wook. Also two Yodas looks wrong, but it’s frickin’ Yoda, so you don’t mess!

Finally Luke is king and Leia is queen. Now that really is pretty weird, because aren’t those guys supposed to be brother and sister? But wouldn’t a king and queen be married? Maybe that’s a bit sick. It’s okay though, cos they don’t get it on or anything, unless there’s a bonus board I haven’t unlocked yet. And Luke’s a Jedi, so he’s too busy being noble and stuff.

Anyway, the black team are The Empire – Darth as queen, Palpatine as king, loads of stormtroopers as pawns and minituarised AT-STs as rooks. Best of all, Boba Fett is the bishop! You remember Boba Fett, the bounter hunter guy with the awesome jetpack? Yeah, he’s back! Tusken Raiders as Knights is a bit off though, because they’re not actually part of the Empire – that’s the only reason I’m not scoring Star Wars Chess 100 out of 100. Hopefully they will fix this serious and insulting error in Star Wars Chess 2.

Basically, it’s chess, so you have to trap the other team’s king to win. You can play against the computer, or another player, or just watch the computer play itself. I like to do that latter, because the animations are so incredible – I don’t want having to think and stuff getting in the way of watching R2-D2 kill Stormtroopers. Yup, it’s all about the killings.

Each character has a special kill move against each other type of character, so there’s loads of replay value in trying to see them all. Even C-3PO can kill other guys – Tusken Raiders hit themselves in the face when their gaffi sticks bounce of his golden hide, and it’s so funny when he confiscates Boba Fett’s gun!

The best one of them all is when Boba Fett kills Chewbacca. They both shoot at each for ages, ducking and diving until they’re both out of ammo. Just when it looks as though Chewie is going to reach over with his massive Wookiee arms and break Fett’s armoured neck, our man Boba takes off his jetpack, points the business end at Chewie and fries him alive! It’s amazing!

Star Wars Chess is worth it for that alone, but all the other killings are pretty amazing too. Though it is a bit creepy the way all the losing character’s friends just stand and impassively watch as their comrades are murdered horribly in front of them. I don’t think they really like each other after all.

In conclusion, you should definitely buy Star Wars Chess if you like Star Wars and you like chess.

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34 Comments »

  1. Premium User Badge

    Gundato says:

    … Okay, I kind of DO want it now. Just for C-3P0 killing Palps.

  2. The_B says:

    My favourite line from Star Wars: “I have felt your en-passant”

    …no? :(

    How about: “Let the Rook-ie win”?

    I’ll go stand in the corner.

    • Wulf says:

      Haa, good puns. Well, a bit groanworthy, but still good!

    • Premium User Badge

      zak canard says:

      I’d normally say you should be ashamed of yourself for those puns B, but Top Shelf sir! Have a cookie.

  3. robrob says:

    So what you’re saying is, if I like this sort of thing, this will be the sort of thing I like?

    I remember being ill with only an old VHS of Simpsons episodes featuring Star Wars references to entertain me. I must have watched that episode a hundred times. Nice to see it getting some love.

  4. kalidanthepalidan says:

    Day one purchase.

  5. Premium User Badge

    drewski says:

    Darth’s a chick? Who knew.

  6. Premium User Badge

    DarkNoghri says:

    Those are AT-STs. Not to be confused with AT-ATs, MT-ATs, or AT-PTs.

    So what do R2-D2′s kill animations look like?

  7. Dain says:

  8. the_fanciest_of_pants says:

    This wave of nostaglia on RPS is equal parts wonderful and unsettling. Keep it coming!

    Err I mean day one purchase!

  9. Rosti says:

    It’s cutting edge journalism like this that have made RPS one of the greatest locations on the Electric Internet since 1873. Please, let this madness never end – I’m looking forward to the manifestos. There will be manifestos, right?

  10. HairCute says:

    A throat sweet.

  11. Wulf says:

    Meh… the kill animations look funny but my humble l’il compy deserves better than Star Wars. I was never into Star Wars, y’see? I was always a Doctor Who sort of person, yep. Now, Doctor Who chess, with daleks, cybermen, autons, davros, and the various Doctors and assistants as chess pieces is something I’d rather enjoy! Of course, the Special Weapons Dalek needs to be the rook for the evil side of the board!

    • Wulf says:

      Oh and–of course–the TARDIS is the rook for the niceynice side, and K-9 is their pawn!

    • Bret says:

      Wouldn’t that unbalance Chess when one side has pawns that instantly kill everything?

    • Wulf says:

      Probably! But it would involve some creative license to balance everything out, I expect. Much like Star Was Chess’s C3P0!

  12. mlaskus says:

    I’ve never heard of the Star Wars chess before but I did spent countless hours trying to see every kill animation in Battle Chess, it basically the same thing, only without lasers.

  13. geldonyetich says:

    This is a total Battle Chess clone. Oh well, no harm done, it’s not like the entire industry is going to be consumed with making clones. I will at least complain it’s sorely missing in Han Solo.

    • Premium User Badge

      zak canard says:

      Yeah Battle Chess is where it’s at. Why I bet even Battle Chess could even give Kasparov a thing or two to think (or possibly laugh) about.

  14. Carra says:

    Needs more polygons.

    • Wulf says:

      Psssh… you mean voxels. Have you seen how horrible polygonal stuff looks? Outcast, Vangers, Ecstatica, and so on look much, much better!!

  15. Stu says:

    Does anyone know if this will be available via digital download?

    • Stu says:

      Never mind, someone’s uploaded it to Splatter House BBS. Oh warez, how I love ye. You’ll NEVER have any real-world effect on games; it’s a victimless crime!

  16. P7uen says:

    Am I the only one who still has his disk?

    “THE SOFTWARE TOOLWORKS PRESENTS…”

  17. Premium User Badge

    Lambchops says:

    I think I’ll be buying this based on the killings. Nobody is worrying about the corrupting influence of violence in games yet, right?

  18. GameOverMan says:

    Pawns from the black team would be ineffective since we all know that a stormtrooper wouldn’t be able to hit the Death Star at point blank range using a telescopic sight, prone and holding their breath.

  19. Aftershock says:

    No Han Solo, seriously?

    • P7uen says:

      He was in the assets on the disc but only unlockable once you buy the first DLC :(

    • Premium User Badge

      Chaz says:

      He’s frozen in carbonite over on the right hand side.

  20. bill says:

    Isn’t luke the queen?

    • Baf says:

      Luke as queen makes more sense, really. The queen is the action hero of chess. The king is the one that has to be rescued.

  21. Hmm-Hmm. says:

    Battle Chess is better, says I.