Help RPS! Whorecraft: Graphics Quest

By Alec Meer on April 15th, 2010 at 1:17 pm.

Today, RPS has a quest for you. A quest of great import but little time to perform it in. Do you live in Ireland? Do you own a decent graphics card you could spare to be without for a couple of days? Only you can save our gnomish rogue Quintin The Tight. He has great rewards for you…

[Update: Not anymore, he doesn't! Our thanks to hero-reader Daniel Klein for fixing our hardware woes. Your prize is enroute.]

Thus spake Quinns:

Attention adventurers! A great and ugly disaster has befallen me. I only hope one of you can help…

It’s my graphics card, you see. It’s sick. Or maybe broken. All I know is that whenever it tries to render anything in 3D it begins producing ragged sheets of smoke and making a noise somewhere between fingernails on a blackboard and a keening man.

Worse still, I have a review to do on Monday and Tuesday! Have you heard the rumours? It’s said that if you fail to meet your deadline they send enormous men round to snap open your elbows like fortune cookies! I’m doomed. Doomed!

Unless, that is, one of you could lend me a passable graphics card that I could use until Sir. Rossignol’s spare card reaches me? You’d be handsomely rewarded, of course. Only recently I cooked up a batch of my famous Beer Basted Boar Ribs. And I’m sure I could find some other trinkets lying around…

Anyone living in Ireland who posts a card to me today might just save me. Or better yet, if anyone lives in Galway, Ireland then I could pick the card up myself! Hell, I could probably take a coach to Shannon or somewhere close too, then I could just mail the card back.

Your quest, then. Obtain a pixel-shader 3.0 graphics card and lend it to Quintin The Tight by Saturday. You will be rewarded with the following:

- 2000 experience points. You may not be able to see these experience points, but you’ll definitely have them. Honest. You’ll probably level up as a person too.
- Hat Of Maximum Splendidosity (Um. We’ll photoshop a neat hat onto your RPS gravatar.)
- A copy of Divinity 2: Ego Draconis.
- Beer-basted ribs.
- No, really – Quinns has made authentic WoW-style beer-basted ribs. Looky:

Mmm. If that can’t restore your mana in 30 seconds, nothing can.

- Quinns’ eternal gratitude, love and cuddles.
- An absolute, 100% cast-iron guarantee that the tyke will return your card after the weekend.

Can you help, noble traveller? If so, mail the boy here forthwith.

Thanks again to Daniel for his aid in this, our hour of need.

__________________

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53 Comments »

  1. 1nightstand says:

    Don’t be gullible, Irishmen! This man is a known trickster and an evil one too. Haven’t you read the ‘who shall rule hell’ reviews ffs?!

  2. DrazharLn says:

    If only I lived in Ireland…

  3. Rich says:

    You clearly don’t know how to look after a graphics card, so you can keep your grubby mitts off.

    Besides. Those ribs look like they came from an autopsy.

  4. eoin says:

    I’d send on my old graphics card (Radeon X700PRO 256MB ) but…
    1) your onboard shared memory would probably be better for gaming (even thought I did manage to play empire: total war on mininum settings with it)
    2) I can’t post it until tomorrow (arrives monday)

    • Vague-rant says:

      I’m pretty sure thats not shader 3.0. (please correct me if I’m wrong oh wise RPS members- though I seem to remember shader 3.0 problems with my x800)

      Also I dunno about beer basted ribs, but we were once bored at a barbeque and poured some beer on the coals to see if any of the flavour infused. It tasted good, and didnt explode in our faces which is also good.

    • drewski says:

      You’re right – ATi didn’t introduce SM3.0 support until the x1xxx series.

    • Rich says:

      Beer wouldn’t explode, it’s mostly water. Booze needs to be around 40% to actually burn.

      What you did was infuse the food with beer steam.

  5. Auspex says:

    You really should start giving Quinns some money for the stuff he writes for RPS, though not this post of course – it was rubbish.

  6. Ian says:

    If it had involved killing ten badgers for their toenails I might have been game…

  7. Skiddings says:

    if he can’t get one sorted he could send us all copies of the game and then we, as a group (one sentence each), write the review for him.

    • Auspex says:

      Ooooh!! Let’s do that anyway! (it doesn’t matter that we don’t know what game it is)

      “The bizarre atlantid cyclopean creatures are a terrific addition to a tired series.”

    • Jacques says:

      Crowdsourced reviews. The future of publishing.

    • Kester says:

      Whoever finishes the review loses

    • SWOne says:

      “I can honestly say I have never been as terrified installing a game as I was this one.”

    • skalpadda says:

      “My fears quickly turned into a rumbling sensation of mirth when I saw the title screen, where the colibri monsters were pulling a baboon through a centrifuge. Could this be the future for the genre?”

    • westyfield says:

      “It turns out it’s better than the original X-Com!”

      *Ducks for cover*

    • Ian says:

      “I am compelled, however, to inform you of the preposterous new DRM measures implemented for the game. To continue play you have to sing ‘I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconut’ at the top of your voice into your microphone at all times. Stopping singing while playing will cause your save files to be deleted.”

    • Monkeypeachy says:

      @Ian

      +1 cookie. I giggled like a girl.

      (Now i’ve made myself want cookie : (

    • Thermal Ions says:

      “The subtext of the narrative however leaves one puzzled as to whether the writers are seriously attempting to convey that the atlantids reactions to the colibri does in fact place them in the position of displaying a moral and ethical superiority”

    • Luckylad says:

      “Not to mention that the controls are absolute rubbish designed for something akin to a slug/monkey/whale hybrid. The game also has a nasty habit of deleting save files from and bringing you this information like a cat bringing you dead birds. On a positive note you do get to seige atlantis at one point with 3 angsty teenagers of questionable gender that seem to have been a crossover hybrid from some Japanese RPG. Then there was the scene where….

  8. blah says:

    Quick Robin, to the Internet Cafe!

    • Mr_Day says:

      Holy sweaty patrons, Batman! We’ll never get a table in here!

      If only we had remembered to clear the dust off the heatsink on the card, as the duffer overheating is the likely culprit – especially if the problem is intermittent or only appears when you have been playing for long periods of time!

    • diebroken says:

      You’re quite right my sweaty glove-handed crime fighting friend! But what you’re forgetting is that we had to recently set our clocks forward an hour due to DST, which means that we’re in Spring and the temperature will…

  9. CloakRaider says:

    3 days from now a man in tattered clothing will stagger to Quinn’s door, and faint with a golden graphics card in his pocket, having swam from the UK.

    This is the dedication of RPS readers.

  10. Daniel Klein says:

    What Quintin doesn’t know yet is that he’ll ALSO get an issue of Irish Health repurposed as packaging material. So if he wants to know how to stave off osteoporosis, it’s a win-win for him ;)

  11. Alexander Norris says:

    I’m going to assume RPS was actually aware of the existence of something called Whorecraft.

    And I’m going to point out the screenshot is wrong, in light of said something.

  12. Polysynchronicity says:

    I demand pictures of this graphics card and its packaging.

  13. trooperdx3117 says:

    You live in Galway Quinns! We probably neighbours then for all I know

  14. westyfield says:

    I had no idea where Galway was, so I looked on Wikipedia where I found this:
    “A “Galway Hooker” is a traditional boat native to Galway. Is also the name of a new local micro-brewed beer.”

    Please say you basted your ribs with Galway Hooker, Quinns. PLEASE.

  15. Shalrath says:

    Saying you’re eating “Galway Hooker Ribs” could lead to some… problems, I imagine.

  16. Morbid Florist says:

    I’m going to Ireland in 1 month, anyone that can recommend a place to stay in Dublin and over near Galway / SW coast?

    I was planning on just going into a pub whenever I need a place to stay and shout “I need a place to stay, beer is on me!”. Heard that can work?

  17. Lemeza says:

    Though this horrific DRM barely matters as you will have to keep singing the song if you want to stay sane while playing.

  18. Sonic Goo says:

    Alliance.

    /spit

  19. HexagonalBolts says:

    Have you tried updating your drivers?

    he he he…

  20. JonFitt says:

    Glad Quinns could be helped out.

    But it’s a sad comment on the health of the games journalism trade that journos not able to just emergency purchase commonly available business critical equipment. Are you really surviving on a pittance or is Quinns just a cheapskate?

    It’s genuine concern, I’m not being mean.

    • Alec Meer says:

      Don’t become a games journalist if you want to be rich, basically. It’s an industry which gleefully exploits the enthusiasm of its contributors.

    • Serenegoose says:

      I can fix this for you Alec. Let me just visit the offices of every games developer with my gigantic sack marked “swag” and I’ll have them so bribed that the entire industry will be rendered incapable of any good titles from here til Ragnarok comes. Your enthusiasm will wither away like a butter volcano. Then you won’t be able to be exploited!

    • Jim Rossignol says:

      For some reason I read that as “the enthusiasm of its bachelors.”

    • JonFitt says:

      The enthusiasm of its bachelors should not be overlooked!

      I’d guess that maintaining an up-to-date gaming PC is more than most freelancers have to do out of pocket. At least you can claim it on your taxes as a business expense!

  21. DMJ says:

    Shame this wasn’t offered out as a group quest. Quinns could have had a fully-specced party turn up with tanks, healers, ranged and melee dps.

  22. Magic H8 Ball says:

    2000XP? In my MMO if you’re pulling less than four million per hour you’re not getting anywhere.

  23. mrrobsa says:

    Had two graphics card die in the space of a month. That time of year I guess. I, like Quinns, was worried I’d be fucked without my card as my uni deadlines are in a few weeks, lucky the shop sent a replacement 3/4 weeks later WHICH WAS ALSO BROKEN. :(

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