Front Bottoms: Zombie Cow’s Privates

By John Walker on May 11th, 2010 at 2:34 pm.

Sperm!

Would you like to see Zombie Cow’s Privates? We sure would. We’d not only like to see them, but we’d like to play with them once we have. But no! We’re not talking about their penises! We’re talking about their new winky-themed game, Privates! (NB. We’re talking about their penises.)

Made in partnership with Channel 4 and the Time Gentlemen, Please! creators, it’s a 3D game in which… Waitasecondwhatnow? 3D? Three dee?! Heavens. It’s described as a “platform 3D twin-stick shooter”, and if I carried on trying to explain it to you, you wouldn’t believe me. So here’s their own description:

“You lead a teeny-tiny gang of condom-hatted marines as they delve into peoples’ vaginas and bottoms and blast away at all manner of oozy, shouty monsters. It’s rude, funny, bitingly satirical and technically pretty accurate if you don’t count the tiny people or the germs with teeth.”

My germs have teeth.

It’s probably a good job this is Channel 4, eh? The BBC would have no truck with this botties and ladygardens business. And come on, who isn’t dying to play this now? You’ll have to wait until the Summer, where it will be free for PC via Channel 4 and E4. Silly old Xbox users will likely have to pay, once again proving that PC gamers live in an idyllic Eden-like fantasy world of endless magical joy.

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41 Comments »

  1. Premium User Badge

    Lambchops says:

    Note: Condoms don’t actually make great hats. Crazy i know.

    Looking forward to this; although if there’s no cameo from Sex Education Clown I’ll be terribly disappointed.

  2. somnolentsurfer says:

    Right. So that gives me a deadline for working out how to get someone to redraw the blueprints to the machine on the fifth floor of Big Ben.

    But, yay!

  3. Vadermath says:

    This is…wow.

  4. Kid A says:

    I am 12 and what is this?

    No, but in all seriousness… wow. This could be… interesting. Or a car crash. Or both.

  5. Mario Figueiredo says:

    Oh great, another intelligent game. Let’s celebrate cheapness.

    BRITAIN. Land of Hope and Glory-holes. Where pregnant, waddling teenagers take up the full width of the pavement with their oversized triplet pushchairs, unaware that their rampant, perpetual humping has filled them to the brim with all manner of grotty infections.

    You can always say is written just to sir up the hive, you know, to bring some humor into the game. Make it known by being offensive, and all that crap. But I still think it’s rubbish.

    And for when going inside penises and kill all the germs there?… Guess not. It’s not fun anymore when you are inside some male crotch is it? Right.

    • Grumpy Moose says:

      Why wouldn’t I like that? I like MY crotch germ-free!

    • Mario Figueiredo says:

      Yes. But you will be going inside someone else’s penis.

    • Robert says:

      “And for when going inside penises and kill all the germs there?… Guess not. It’s not fun anymore when you are inside some male crotch is it? Right.”

      I have never seen a condom go inside the penis. Then again, this is the internet, everything is possible. That said, I don’t see a problem really.

      I do wonder why you think sexual things, not that I think this game is sexual in any way apart from the sex-ed hook, are more cheap then violence. I do not find this piece ‘offensive’ at all. If I were a person that gets offended by imagery, I would be more offended by the piece below here. Tanks offend me more then penises, even though you could argue they represent the same thing.

    • 12kill4 says:

      “And for when going inside penises and kill all the germs there?… Guess not. It’s not fun anymore when you are inside some male crotch is it? Right.”
      Hmmm… well the by facts that you:
      1. brought up this question at all…
      2. that you made vociferous announcements as to the lack of fun you experience at being inside the male crotch…
      3. and that you then went on to seek reassurance to the legitimacy of your response in social opinion
      4.and in that you answering your own question, you demonstrated your own internal struggle with the issue.
      I would draw the conclusion that you are perhaps suppressing your inate desire to kill germs inside the male penis… so clearly you want this game.
      I think you are also perhaps subconsciously repressing the fact that my crazed ramblings are always correct and accurate.

    • Wulf says:

      Huh. That’s kind of closed-minded of you, Fig.

      I can’t say I object to wandering around in the vaginas and penises of other people as abstract, otherworldly locales. I mean, why not? That sounds like good times to me, and it certainly beats Grey_Lifeless_and_Impossibly_Narrow_Corridor_003.

      And of course it’s written to stir up the hive, this is Dan we’re talking about, here. It’s in his DNA. But knowing what I do of him I can also say it’s completely harmless.

      I’m offended by different things, as others have said. You know, I find the visual representation of violence carried out on a very realistic and harmless wild animal in an RPG infinitely more offensive than this could ever be. As another pointed out, I don’t enjoy glorifying war all that much, either.

      But an impossible game where you play little dudes in the vagina, penis, or arse of a suffering person, taking out equally impossible creatures? Why not! If it imbues some knowledge of why unprotected sex is inadvisable on the youngsters then all the better for it. I’ll just be playing it for the abstract hilarity of it all.

    • Mario Figueiredo says:

      My main issue with it is the quoted paragraph. It takes two to tango, but still in the 21st century we are getting the usual “it’s the pregnant woman fault”. No mention to the male who actually did a lot of the work. Now, even in the context of the game, I found the quote particularly offensive and cheap. Being that I have a teenager daughter… I felt resented by it too.

      Now, as for vaginas and penises, the argument is all the same. It’s the vagina glorification in a male dominant video game world. Penises aren’t just as interesting. Yuck material even. Going inside someone else’s penis is not a very male thing to do. And so we perpetuate the woman as an object in video games.

      It may not bother you. It bothers me. And everytime I have a chance, everytime someone with little less imagination clearly demonstrates an interest in exploring this, I’ll make myself heard.

    • Sulkdodds says:

      Maybe the “satirical” element is aimed against exactly those regressive attitudes. I mean it is pretty exaggerated. “Teenage pregnancy is a PLAGUE within the body politic! SLUT VAGINAS are a vector of INFECTION! Militarise medicine and conquer the female! The only way to SAVE ENGLAND is to BLOW UP THEIR GENITALS!”

      (this may be wishful thinking)

    • John Walker says:

      Mario – you really do seem to be working awfully hard to ignore the bit where they say that the penises go up bottoms too.

    • Wulf says:

      @Suikdodds

      It’s definitely satirical, and completely intended as such. This is from the man who put the first racism slider in a game.

      @Fig

      It’s actually fun for me. The thing is, most people don’t understand why I’m offended by the things that I am, and I feel like I’m the only sane person in an insane world. I have to say that it’s amusing and interesting to be on the other side of the fence, because I don’t see what’s offensive about this.

      And you’re missing an element, here. I mean, I’m a gay person so I find penises plenty interesting (thankyouverymuch), and I’m not complaining about the lack thereof. But it’s the fault of the female? I don’t think the game carries that message at all. You could easily spin it to say that it’s all the fault of the male and the big, bad penis. That those horrible things flooding in are all the fault of the big, evil male, and it’s the job of the vagina’s defence force (I can’t believe I’m writing this, hahaha, I love you, RPS) to fight off the insipid, vile, viral male infection. Not even glorifying the vagina, then, but simply that that’s the battlefield. If anything, it’s vilifying the male, from my perspective.

      Not to mention that the bums in question would very likely be male bums, which would completely destroy your argument, since then the battlefields would be both male and female. Just throwing that out there.

      And yes, I still don’t find it at all offensive.

      Moreover, I can’t wrap my mind around your last claim, that kicking up a loud fuss about how you don’t want to experience new things is imaginative. If there’s nothing unethical about the proceedings (and this is ethical since it exists to teach kids about sex ed in a fun way) then I’ll try and experience just about anything and everything I can, and I daresay that puts me in a better position to claim imagination than someone who balks at new experiences, no?

    • Wulf says:

      Damn it, John stole my thunder by getting straight to the point I was building up to! >.> Oh well, that’ll teach me to write shorter posts (never going to happen).

  6. RobF says:

    You do know it’s a sex-education game, right?

  7. Daniel Klein says:

    once again proving that PC gamers live in an idyllic Eden-like fantasy world of endless magical joy.

    And bottoms.

  8. westyfield says:

    To be honest, I don’t think any game could have lived up to all the “we’re going to reveal our privates” “would you like to see our privates?” “play with our privates” jokes.

  9. Wulf says:

    I… oh my. Oh golly gosh. Well done, Dan & Ben.

  10. Robert says:

    Hehe, he said privates, hehe.

  11. lhzr says:

    a platforming twin stick shooter? huh? sounds .. good, i guess.

    although it hopefully won’t affect the development of their balloon-headed-mexican-thingie, or what’s it called.

  12. Sobric says:

    John! Not related at all to this topic, but will there be an Electronic Wireless Show soon? It needs some RPS-heads talking about XCOM or somesuch.

    (I also fill up down-time at work listening to podcasts, and I’m running low. I meantion XCOM purely for the lengthy debate it’ll bring.)

  13. Risingson says:

    Front Bottoms.

    Each time I read this I misread something worse. I think I need a shower.

  14. Brulleks says:

    Damn, I was hoping that was a screenshot from the next Ben and Dan adventure when I read the headline.

    But then, I was also worried it was a screenshot from the next Worms game too…

  15. The_B says:

    TEAM PUN ASSEMBLE!

    “Playing with our joysticks!”
    “Balls to the wall action”
    “Great fun, straight up.”

    Man, I see why you didn’t let Kieron write this post, he may never have got around to actually writing the content…

  16. Man Raised By Puffins says:

    Would you like to see Zombie Cow’s Privates? We sure would. We’d not only like to see them, but we’d like to play with them once we have.

    :(
    Games journos have all the fun.

  17. Vinraith says:

    A fairly clever (and funny) way to handle an inherently awkward topic, well done Zombie Cow.

  18. Robin says:

    While the concept sounds amusing, I suspect in reality the gap between how funny the developers think they are and the target audience’s tolerance of murky-looking games with dour educational subject matter will be… distended and possibly slightly ruptured.

    • Dominic White says:

      Zombie Cow made Hitlers bloody, pooey severed arm funny. This is easy material compared to that.

      As for the gameplay, they also made Gibbage, which was quite a bit of fun.

  19. geldonyetich says:

    “You lead a teeny-tiny gang of condom-hatted marines as they delve into peoples’ vaginas and bottoms and blast away at all manner of oozy, shouty monsters. It’s rude, funny, bitingly satirical and technically pretty accurate if you don’t count the tiny people or the germs with teeth.”

    The urethras were cut as being overly linear.

    Anywho, I’m going to say this game is forgettable in its vulgarity unless they introduce some relatively good gameplay.

    • Ginger Yellow says:

      “The urethras were cut as being overly linear.”

      It would certainly have given new meaning to “corridor shooter”

  20. brkl says:

    BRILLO

  21. Bhazor says:

    So it’s Cunt meets Abomination by the guys who made Ben There? I can dig it.

    • Shadowcat says:

      Bhazor: Ah good. I was wondering why no one had mentioned Cunt yet. That one might have been a bit much even for Channel 4, mind :)

  22. Reverend Speed says:

    Wonder if it’s any fun?

  23. DJ Phantoon says:

    No one else is concerned by the fact that Walker said, “My germs have teeth.”?!

    HIS GERMS HAVE TEETH, PEOPLE! THIS IS SERIOUS!

    oh god what are we going to do

  24. CharmingCharlie says:

    I wonder if there is a hidden “G-Spot” level that none of the male players will ever find ?

  25. Flakfizer says:

    This should silence the ‘games can never be art’ critics.

  26. MadMatty says:

    Is my Arse Art?