Rock, Paper, Shotgun

“A Note From Aperture Science”

By Jim Rossignol on June 2nd, 2010 at 5:36 am.


Valve have sent out a transmission announcing the cancellation of their E3 Portal 2 event, and its replacement with “a surprise”. As press invitations go, it’s an odd one. I’ve posted the text below…

Dear Subject Name Here,

Aperture Science is pleased to inform you that we have partnered with Valve to announce the gala CANCELLATION of the June 14 Portal 2 event at the Regal Theater. The event will be replaced by a surprise. And even though the cancellation of the event certainly counts as a surprise, we are pleased to further announce that the cancellation of the event is not THE surprise. However, per International treaties regarding the definition of the word “surprise”, of which both Aperture Science and Valve are signatories, the time, date and content of the actual surprise will only become available as you experience the surprise.

If you’d like to ask fruitless questions about the E3 Portal 2 surprise or, more fruitfully, schedule an appointment to attend a Portal 2 screening at the Valve booth during E3, please contact Valve’s Special Envoy to Surprises, Doug Lombardi.

Thank you for < RECORD SCRATCH!!! >

PS: The surprising record scratch is also not the surprise.

But Portal 2 is still being shown at E3. So that’s good.

__________________

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168 Comments »

  1. 02/06/2010 at 05:40 skalpadda says:

    Ooooh.. No I have nothing useful to say.

  2. 02/06/2010 at 05:41 Soulless One says:

    Episode 3.

    • 02/06/2010 at 10:43 HexagonalBolts says:

      Half life and portal were tending towards each other before, perhaps the overlap is going to become more pronounced.

  3. 02/06/2010 at 05:42 Saucy says:

    Left 4 Dead 3

  4. 02/06/2010 at 05:45 TCM says:

    10 currency it’s going to be Ep 3.

  5. 02/06/2010 at 05:45 CLD says:

    Portal 3.

  6. 02/06/2010 at 05:46 Mad Doc MacRae says:

    Team Fortress 3

  7. 02/06/2010 at 05:48 McGruber says:

    Duke Nukem Forever + Cake :D

  8. 02/06/2010 at 05:54 offcrcartman says:

    They finished putting makeup on Counter Strike Source that would make a ten dollar whore shameful?

  9. 02/06/2010 at 05:55 TheSombreroKid says:

    the green box

  10. 02/06/2010 at 05:55 Esc says:

    L4D3 would be superhilarious. It would make my day to see the interwebs engulfed by Angry Internet Men.

    • 02/06/2010 at 10:37 plugmonkey says:

      Well, the Angry Internet Men can sod off. I want L4D3, and I don’t see why I should have to wait 6 years for it just to create an increased perception of value for a bunch of pillocks.

    • 02/06/2010 at 10:49 Rich says:

      Wait your turn plugmonkey.
      Some of us would like some new single-player goodness for first time in ages.

    • 02/06/2010 at 11:01 plugmonkey says:

      I wonder if they’ve considered hiring that third employee, so that they could do both.

    • 02/06/2010 at 15:59 Jad says:

      @plugmonkey: That made me chuckle.

      Remember everybody: L4D and L4D2 didn’t really slow down the development of Ep 3 or HL3 or whatever, as they weren’t developed by Valve proper. They were developed by Turtle Rock, which Valve bought and re-branded. Valve had some input, but the bulk of the work was by people who had nothing to do with Half-Life.

      The blame for all the Half-Life delays could much more accurately be placed at the feet of all those beloved “free” TF2 updates, which is what single-player advocates really should be complaining about. They don’t, because the TF2 brigades would eat them alive. Portal 2 shares some of the blame too.

      Of course, the *real* reason is the same as it always is: Valve works on Valve Time.

    • 02/06/2010 at 16:23 CMaster says:

      @Jad
      Except that’s not really true.
      Yeah, Left4Dead was a fair way along when Valve aquired Turtle Rock – but they Valve tested it and retooled and redesigned it quite heavily.

      Then, the whole reason given for L4D2 coming out so quickly (except for some of the rather glaring flaws of the original) was that “everybody at Valve chooses what they work on”, and pretty much the entire company wanted to work on L4D2. So they did and got it done unusally quickly by Valve standards – this must necessarily have been at the expense of time spent on other projects.

  11. 02/06/2010 at 05:56 Janxer says:

    This has better be epsiode 3.
    Also, my birthday is June 14th. If Valve doesn’t give me EP3, they are not invited to my party. >:(

  12. 02/06/2010 at 05:56 Oak says:

    Prospero.

  13. 02/06/2010 at 06:00 sfury says:

    HALF-LIFE 3

  14. 02/06/2010 at 06:05 Cohrek says:

    My guess is the dota project.

  15. 02/06/2010 at 06:08 JonFitt says:

    Ep3 is the only thing I want announced.

  16. 02/06/2010 at 06:09 bleeters says:

    Sometimes, you just have to love Valve. Also, all other times inbetween.

  17. 02/06/2010 at 06:10 OldRat says:

    We’ve been waiting for ep. 3 for a small eternity. Valve is not known for launching new game franchises suddenly and without warning, and certainly wouldn’t think that such a project deserves their grand big happy fun surprise spot over Portal 2.
    So unless they’ve been suddenly stricken with horrible retardation, I honestly can’t think of anything but Episode 3.

    • 02/06/2010 at 08:17 Grape Flavor says:

      “suddenly stricken with horrible retardation”
      This phrase made me laugh out loud. I suppose this is the kind of thing that can happen to a person as they simply walk down the street? Scary…

  18. 02/06/2010 at 06:11 Scypher says:

    The new event is just to announce new hats for TF2.

  19. 02/06/2010 at 06:12 eclipse mattaru says:

    I love to recognize Old Man Murray’s writing style in these. Minus all the cursing, of course, but still.

  20. 02/06/2010 at 06:12 modern panther says:

    So, send out mass emails to Doug?

  21. 02/06/2010 at 06:15 PleasingFungus says:

    Opposing Force 2.

    (Is Gearbox still working on Borderlands, or have they started their new project by now? Probably both, actually.)

  22. 02/06/2010 at 06:15 Inigo says:

    Gabe Newell will perform the Dance of the Seven Veils.

  23. 02/06/2010 at 06:17 Thants says:

    I’m fairly sure this means that the journalists there are going to be fed slowly into an incinerator pit. So, watch out for that.

  24. 02/06/2010 at 06:24 Dworgi says:

    This made me laugh.

    Also, Episode 3 (aka. HL3, amirite?).

  25. 02/06/2010 at 06:26 DragonForce1337 says:

    NOOOOO!!!!

  26. 02/06/2010 at 06:47 Vadermath says:

    There are only two possibilities; Either it will be a showcase of Episode 3, or it will be Portal 2, and the Portal 2 surprise will be the fact that it actually isn’t canceled.

    Frankly, the latter seems like something Glados would do.

  27. 02/06/2010 at 07:02 Rakysh says:

    Gordon Freeman in the 10th class. He will have a portal gun and a gravity gun, and will only be able to make kills by flinging people up to hit the skybox and down again, or catapulting you off the map. No-one will play TF2 ever again.

    • 02/06/2010 at 14:26 fatchap says:

      @Rakysh. I read that as Gordon will only be able to kill people by fingering them up the skybox which sounded nasty. Especailly considering the gloves on his suit.

  28. 02/06/2010 at 07:15 Tei says:

    Valve will start selling zombie make-ups. It will be a HUGE SUCCESS both for male and female emo people. It will be bigger than the iPod and Twilight COMBINED.

  29. 02/06/2010 at 07:44 user@example.com says:

    Did anyone guess “Portal 2 is Episode 3″ yet?

  30. 02/06/2010 at 07:45 Renzatic says:

    If it isn’t Episode 3, I will throw ROCKS!

    …and by rocks, I mean I won’t do anything. But pout. Oh, how I’ll pout.

  31. 02/06/2010 at 07:48 V. Tchitcherine. says:

    Gabe Newell steps before a large projector, face reflecting a quiet pride and earnest though content countenance. Doug Lombardi steps up to his side and whispers some inscrutable words where upon Gabe departs via the wings and we don’t hear his reassuring and dulcet, indeed cherubic words.

  32. 02/06/2010 at 07:48 HermitUK says:

    When they announced there would be more at E3 I’d assumed then they meant something other than more Portal 2 info – given that the Game Informer preview was very comprehensive in that regard anyway.

  33. 02/06/2010 at 07:51 DerangedStoat says:

    An announcement of the ‘colour-other-than-orange box’, which includes Ep3, Portal 2, and Black Mesa!
    One can dream right?

  34. 02/06/2010 at 08:01 Corrupt_Tiki says:

    Insert witty comment here.

    • 02/06/2010 at 09:03 Renzatic says:

      Half-Life 2 Episodes? Ha! More like Half-Life 2 Wait-A-F%#@ing-Whiles, amirite?

      I am rite. :mad:

      There. Witty comment inserted.

  35. 02/06/2010 at 08:02 Brulleks says:

    I reckon you’ll all turn up there, get shepherded into the main hall and be subjected to sleeping gas, subsequently waking up in one of aperture science’s holding cells, where a familiar voice will guide you through a real-life version of Portal 2.

  36. 02/06/2010 at 08:28 K says:

    I read that in the voice of GlaDOS.

  37. 02/06/2010 at 09:02 JoeDuck says:

    It’s going to to be the TF2 engineer update, including his new weapon… the portal gun.

  38. 02/06/2010 at 09:07 toni says:

    i say tech demo of source2 featuring alyx holding a portal gun

  39. 02/06/2010 at 09:12 Tei says:

    Portal 2 is Episide 3 and will reveal as a prequel of HALO, it will be called “Portal 2: Chronicles Of The Sport”, and will be published by EA Sports.

  40. 02/06/2010 at 09:13 simonkaye says:

    What if Portal 2 IS Episode 3?

    • 02/06/2010 at 09:39 sfury says:

      You just blew mi mind!

      But seriously – if they do that it would be a cop-out. I want my full-sized Portal game and my full-sized end of the episodes please, no middle ground.

      Only such thing I’d look forward would be if somehow Half-life 3 combines features of both but that would be a ludicrously huge and complex project that we’d have to wait another 4-5 years for…

    • 03/06/2010 at 10:47 jsdn says:

      3 to 4 years for? Wait…

  41. 02/06/2010 at 09:31 Enshu says:

    Oh, it has to be HL3. It has to be!

  42. 02/06/2010 at 09:35 Krimson says:

    It’s going to be Ricochet 2. Mark my words.

  43. 02/06/2010 at 09:40 FhnuZoag says:

    It’ll probably just be a small ethics module that you have to drop into the incinerator, AGAIN.

  44. 02/06/2010 at 09:52 ckpk says:

    Half-Life 2: Anti Phase

    You take the role of a dissatisfied metro cop, unhappy about the suppression he must enforce, but who continues to do so to keep his loved ones safe. Initially you target the rebels, engaging in raids and disrupting their supply lines; but you finally fight back against the combine from within after deciding that enough is enough.

    All the way through the game you unwittingly bring about various circumstances that take place for Gordon Freeman in the events of Half-Life 2 and in the end, as you face down an army of Combine supersoldiers, time slows and G-Man steps out of the shadows to congratulate you on your role as a useful pawn before locking you away in stasis for future use.

  45. 02/06/2010 at 09:56 Pyjamarama says:

    Portal 2 will be front and center at the Microsoft presentation with GLADOs voice and gameplay section on stage, that’s my guess.

  46. 02/06/2010 at 10:10 r0jer says:

    it will be ep3, but if it will be hl3 should be better :D

  48. 02/06/2010 at 10:11 Taillefer says:

    It was all a dream.

  50. 02/06/2010 at 10:23 BooleanBob says:

    Day of Defeat 3. You heard it here first.

  51. 02/06/2010 at 10:26 pimorte says:

    “Deploying surprise in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 …”

  52. 02/06/2010 at 10:39 Antlia says:

    The black box…!

    Of Oceanic 815.

  53. 02/06/2010 at 10:45 Skystrider says:

    I can think of at least four possibilities:

    1: Valve will announce “Source Go”, a new version of the Source engine, to be used on portable platforms such as the IPhone, IPod and IPad. Along with this we may also see a new version of the Steamworks SDK, which will handle cross-platform achivements and save-games. The first games to hit the App store may be the original Half-Life along with its expansion packs. Maybe.

    2: Half Life (episode) 3. ‘Nuff said.

    3: Joss Whedon to direct “Half Life, The Motion Picture”, or TV series. There have been some rumours going about that…

    4: LFD 3. Please, Gawd no.

  54. 02/06/2010 at 11:14 Fazer says:

    Steam for Linux.

    You heard it here first!

    • 02/06/2010 at 20:03 Unaco says:

      Surprised not more people have said this. I’m gonna go for that… Steam + Source Engine games for Linux.

    • 02/06/2010 at 20:10 jeremypeel says:

      Nah, I don’t think so. Not really sure why Valve wouldn’t have waited a couple of weeks and launched Mac and Linux compatability at once if that’s the case. Or why Linux would get much more fanfare that Mac did.

    • 12/06/2010 at 19:39 DrazharLn says:

      Because Linux > Mac, of course.

  55. 02/06/2010 at 11:21 Tei says:

    Impulse, Steam and Direct2Drive will merge, and will use GOG lack of DRM. Any game buy in Impulse, will show in Steam and Direct2Drive and GOG.

    • 02/06/2010 at 11:22 Tei says:

      now that I think about it, that would be a bad thing. since will kill different prices, and different location availability, and will invoque the “one basket, all eggs” problem.

  56. 02/06/2010 at 11:22 Sandokan says:

    I think it will be a combination of Portal 2 + Episode 3.

    From Portal and Ep2 we saw that both games are related. Aperture Science owns the ship Borealis. And if in Ep3 we are going there. It would make sense to release both together.

  57. 02/06/2010 at 11:36 MadTinkerer says:

    ACTUALLY: I’m surprised no one has jokingly or non-jokingly suggested Counter-Strike 2 yet. Gabe said they were working on it last year, recently there was an update to CS:S, I wouldn’t be too surprised if CS2 was the surprise.

    That or the un-named project from the DOTA guy.

    If it’s not either of those or Ep. 3, then I will be genuinely surprised.

    Also: Prospero? You get 5 Internet Points for that one. ;)

  58. 02/06/2010 at 11:39 Iokanaan says:

    OMFG! I bet you they actually managed to build the ASHPD! sweet mother!

  59. 02/06/2010 at 11:40 Skinlo says:

    Valve:

    “We are happy to announce that we have been acquired by Acitivsion. All marketing, funding and IP now belongs to them.”

    FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUu

  60. 02/06/2010 at 11:50 Ginger Yellow says:

    3: Joss Whedon to direct “Half Life, The Motion Picture”, or TV series. There have been some rumours going about that…

    Portal: The Musical, starring Felicia Day as Chell.

    Anyway, clearly the surprise is a cake.

  61. 02/06/2010 at 11:54 Sp4rkR4t says:

    The surprise is Portal 2 & Episode 3 are one and the same thing.

  62. 02/06/2010 at 12:07 jeremypeel says:

    The surprise is that nobody reads each others comments and shout the same jokes into the ether.

  63. 02/06/2010 at 12:26 Zeeky says:

    You really want 10 RMB? that’s like 70 US cents.

  64. 02/06/2010 at 12:36 MajorManiac says:

    Surely a surprise is unpredicatable. So I’m hoping its something no-one has thought of.

    Valves current IP is fantastic, but wouldn’t it be better for them to create even more new games?

  65. 02/06/2010 at 12:37 Sarble says:

    The surprise will be… Portal 2.

  66. 02/06/2010 at 12:39 jockey says:

    Left 4 Dead 3 AND FOUR, ha-ha!

  67. 02/06/2010 at 12:41 manintheshack says:

    MajorManiac:

    No. It would be better if they just released Episode 3.

  68. 02/06/2010 at 12:44 Mythar says:

    You read that post in the voice of GLaDOS

  69. 02/06/2010 at 12:49 Taillefer says:

    The surprise is that nobody reads each others comments and shout the same jokes into the ether.

  71. 02/06/2010 at 13:26 Tei says:

    “Counter-Strike 2 Terrorist Zombies”, a tactical singleplayer game where you have to rescue survivors from a zombie infected city. Will play in a strategy map (much like X-COM), but the deployement will play like a Tactical FPS, where you give orders to the other members of the Squad.

  72. 02/06/2010 at 13:51 patrick says:

    Was I the only one reading that in glados’ voice in my head?

  73. 02/06/2010 at 13:58 Nobody Important says:

    Steam for Linux.

  74. 02/06/2010 at 14:01 Antlia says:

    Gabe Newell is the living prove that the cake is not a lie, so the surprise can’t really be cake related.

  75. 02/06/2010 at 14:04 Jimmy says:

    All valve gamers (myself included) will be asked to put on their headphones simultaneously at a given time, participating in an online witchcraft experiment. At 1:00 into the little song, everyone’s head explodes.

    You heard it here first.

  76. 02/06/2010 at 14:09 Matt says:

    Snap @ June 14th birthday woot!

    Please Valve make this the best birthday evar.

  77. 02/06/2010 at 14:18 westyfield says:

    I bet no-one else read that In GLaDOS’ voice like I did…

  78. 02/06/2010 at 14:46 Tally says:

    Portal 2 starring Gordon McBadass Freeman is Episode 3. Valve saves development time and money. Snow environments as sterile and white as those in Portal 1. This is what will happen.

    Damn, it’s already been suggested but I’ve worked to hard to waste it.

  79. 02/06/2010 at 14:54 Lambo says:

    “Valve’s Special Envoy to Surprises, Doug Lombardi.”

    I would murder at least several kittens for that job title…

  80. 02/06/2010 at 15:06 Flimgoblin says:

    Portal 2. The surprise is they were lying about the surprise not being portal 2.

  81. 02/06/2010 at 15:08 alway says:

    Half Life 2: Episode Portal

  82. 02/06/2010 at 15:16 Nando says:

    Gordon Freeman meets the companion cube!

  83. 02/06/2010 at 15:20 JoeDuck says:

    Valve to announce Half Life: the MMO.

  84. 02/06/2010 at 16:38 Jacques says:

    Could it be, that this is a lie? I mean, I read it in GLADoS, which comes with a heaping load of salt, but could it be just a lie? I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time Valve lied, I mean, really, episodic content was a lie, a lie that allowed for Portal to be born and all evils done by Valve to be erased by its greatness, but still a lie.

    More Games- Check
    Shorter Games- Check
    Less Time Between Games- X

    I love Valve for the things that they do, just not necessarily the ways that they do them, or is it the other way around?

  85. 02/06/2010 at 16:42 Sorvius says:

    Nobody has mentioned that we could see a Half-Life movie. Even though the story hasn’t been ‘played’ yet, HL the movie would blow my mind to infinity and back :)

  86. 02/06/2010 at 17:37 Tei says:

    SteamHats. Any hat you win in TF2, will be usable on all other Source games (L4D1, Portal, Counter-Strike, etc..)

  87. 02/06/2010 at 18:26 b4dmash says:

    @Vadermath
    You gettting the Demoman to do your dirty work ?

  88. 02/06/2010 at 19:42 Torgen says:

    Left 4 Portal

  89. 02/06/2010 at 19:46 Simssi says:

    Ricochet: Source

  90. 02/06/2010 at 20:01 Moses2k says:

    Alien Swarm: Infested

  91. 02/06/2010 at 20:08 Unaco says:

    PowerPlay!! Or, at least, a belated endorsement for PowerPlay from John Carmack. For the last 10 years, Gabe has forced some poor Computing Science student to sit in a basement and MAKE IT WORK, using Black Mathematics and human sacrifice! Apparently, that kid is now part of the Internet.

  92. 02/06/2010 at 20:41 RyePunk says:

    Valve will show how they have merged Plants vs Zombies, Peggle, DotA, TF2, and Portal into a singular game that will be played by wearing a hat. Mark my words Valve will revolutionize the ‘games-in-a-hat’ industry.

  93. 02/06/2010 at 21:07 jeremypeel says:

    If a Half Life/Portal crossover title is announced, I’ll amuse myself imagining the mute awkwardness of a meeting between Gordon Freeman and Chell.

  94. 02/06/2010 at 21:55 phuzz says:

    Minerva: Chronoclasm!
    Please Valve? Or at least, after the surprise, put CargoCult in an office and don’t let him out until he’s made some more mods.
    okthxbai

  95. 02/06/2010 at 22:29 Tenorek says:

    I don’t like surprises that don’t end with “episode 3.” I hope I like this surprise.

  96. 02/06/2010 at 22:56 Froibo says:

    ALL WRONG! Its going to be icefrog’s game

  97. 03/06/2010 at 03:26 Jaker says:

    They’ll have a real GLaDOS there, who promises cake, but lies and goes berserk flooding E3 with Neurotoxins killing the fat people who can’t run and don’t make it out in time.

  98. 03/06/2010 at 03:42 Taslo says:

    I finally just got around to playing and finishing the first Portal. Of course I loved it and now the wait begins for the sequel. Gotta figure out what to do until then.

  99. 03/06/2010 at 10:54 Tei says:

    ValveWearableKeyboard: Keyboards are now for more than typing, wear your PC style around!

  100. 03/06/2010 at 11:07 nbik says:

    Engineer update :P

  101. 03/06/2010 at 11:40 Thermal Ions says:

    So was this a real actual event that was cancelled or an alternate reality event which an alternate reality RPS was invited to with the cancellation notice crossing realities when Lamar jumped onto the control panel during transmission.

    And to think this post actually started out as a genuine serious question.

  102. 03/06/2010 at 16:40 Moonracer says:

    I’m hoping it’s a new Left 4 Dead, just so I can see the “Get L4D3″ adds/mock ups.

  103. 03/06/2010 at 23:01 Araxiel says:

    The surprise is a lie

  104. 05/06/2010 at 17:00 Zdrok says:

    LOLOLOLOL love the PS. That record scratch was rather surprising.

  105. 11/06/2010 at 14:51 AnnexOne says:

    That’s incredibly specific and I want to be on record as saying I’d love for you to be correct. :D

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