Let’s All Do The Rohan Rap

By John Walker on June 14th, 2010 at 5:26 pm.

To be fair, that's not a bikini. But it's very hard to get the latch to fasten around the wings.

I spotted an advert – one of those MMO ads with a lady in her bra that you see on games sites that are yet to implement their new ads deal. It was for free-to-play MMO, Rohan, which boasts that it is a “mature game”. Intrigued by what this might mean I clicked. It doesn’t, as it turns out, mean it features characters facing up to the fact that they need to make a will, investigating ISA options, or replacing the oil in their car before the light comes on. It means bikinis.

But, more importantly, a rap. Oh my goodness yes.

I’m making absolutely no comment about the game, which might be brilliant. Or rubbish. It’s probably one of those two. But what I want the class to focus on at this point is the song that appears on the website, which I’ve helpfully transplanted below. It reminds me of the brilliant times when movies in the 80s would end with a rap about all the things that had just happened in the film. Except this is all modern, in the style of the modern young R&B artists with their fast cars and laid back grooves.

The video is by a young gentleman named K-Natural, a man who must really enjoy his free-to-play boobie-bouncing MMOs. (His other hits include Get That, which in researching this post I saw tick over to 12 views on YouTube. Let’s see that number go up, RPSers. That song is good because he makes it extremely clear at which angle he wears his hat.)

Without any more delay, here is the video:

It’s good, perhaps even refreshing, to see an MMO being promoted by a song that extensively complains about downtime and server issues. Also, K-Natural informs us that playing Rohan keeps him not only off the streets, but also youthful. Which adds a darker tone to his claim that he intends to play the game until he dies.

But this isn’t the only song K-Natural has sung about Rohan! Good heavens, no! There’s this one too! (I’m sad to report this song contains derogatory language about gay people.)

This song appears to be about how he hates a specific guild. He’s clearly a member of TheEmpire, which my research tells me has 59 members. They really don’t like a guild apparently called KOB. The closest I can find is TheKingdom#SY, who have 42 members. And so far there’s no indication that any amongst their numbers has recorded a revenge song. However, if they did I think this story would escalate from Absolutely Brilliant to The Best Thing That’s Ever Happened On The Internet.

I think it’s important to add, as mentioned in the YT blurb by the Rohan peeps, that this game isn’t just bikinis. Oh no:

“BTW – we have other costumes besides bathing suits, but thought this would get your attention.

It’s all for laughs. Have fun and enjoy!”

Currently those signing up to the game will receive a free bikini. A virtual one. It is unlocked with the code: “FREE-SEXY-SWIM-SUIT”

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84 Comments »

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  1. Brumisator says:

    The good name of the kingdom of the horse lords…sullied….

    *sobs quietly*

  2. robrob says:

    [1:26]:
    “And it ain’t no guesses
    I transfer my money into RPS’s

    Just how much are you being paid to advertise this game, John? It was smart of you to disguise the advert with faux irony but clearly you didn’t think to cover your tracks and censor the song for its public boasting of how easily bribed you are.

    • John Walker says:

      You know what – I listened to it three times while writing the post, and heard that each time, and somehow logged it in my brain as “RPGs”.

    • P7uen says:

      So this is where your new Eurogamer billions have been invested, eh!?

    • Premium User Badge

      DollarOfReactivity says:

      Well, now that you’ve been caught out John, I expect a full-out RPS rap song. Sling us some salty British beats!

    • DrazharLn says:

      Can I have my money hat now? As a subscriber…

    • Clovis says:

      I just read the line several times as “RPGs”.

  3. LintMan says:

    I saw the title and rejoiced for a second in the possibility of a new Kohan:Immortal Sorvereigns game. Then I realized it said Rohan and thought of the Riders thereof. But it’s just a stinky MMO. Dang.

    • John Walker says:

      Thus comments a man who clearly hasn’t watched the videos yet.

    • K. says:

      Well, he’s not the only one. A new Kohan would be… nice.

      And no, even though well versed in Lordian Literature I my mind didn’t make the leap to the Riders of.
      Must be the image. Trying to avoid associating half-naked women and horses on the internet.

    • LintMan says:

      @John Walker – I had gathered it was NSFW so I skipped watching the vid before my post, but my response was based just on spotting “Rohan” in the title and wishful thinking took over.

    • Jhoosier says:

      My first thought was, “I wonder if the Tolkein estate has a copyright on Rohan”, and the second was, “if so, somebody’s getting sued.”

  4. Bremze says:

    The game is rubbish even by my painfully low standards dulled by countless free mmorpgs if anyone was wondering.

  5. Wulf says:

    Rohan is some sort of twisted sociology experiment. *nod.*

    *categorises, and moves on.*

  6. little grilly says:

    rappity-rap lol

  7. Snargelfargen says:

    “I’m a real mack yo, check my internet (myspace) page”

    aaaand 24 views.

  8. Pmeie says:

    LOL.

  9. Premium User Badge

    sonofsanta says:

    It doesn’t, as it turns out, mean it features characters facing up to the fact that they need to make a will, investigating ISA options, or replacing the oil in their car before the light comes on.

    A worryingly accurate account of my recent growing up. Even more worrying is that I instinctively avoid playing such YouTube videos to avoid the awkward questions from my fiancée. I fear I am outgrowing the majority of computer games and nothing could make me feel olfder.

    • Premium User Badge

      sonofsanta says:

      Or, indeed, *older.

    • Clovis says:

      You need to play Viva Pinata with the sound turned way up. If you can do that, you won’t have to worry about outgrowing anything.

  10. PaulMode7 says:

    You can apparently buy an item which provides an increase to BOTH “Fishing” AND “Sexy Dance”.

    Now *that’s* game design.

  11. Pace says:

    “MEET GIRLS” – er.. sorta.

  12. Flaringo says:

    Better get all your skills tight, people.

  13. Taillefer says:

    Indeed, a revenge song would be amazing.
    Complete with video of in-game competitive dance between guilds, natch.

    • Premium User Badge

      sasayan says:

      Someone did this with WoW, if I recall. It was every bit as amazing as you imagine it.

    • Unaco says:

      I seem to remember Erfworld uses the Formation Dance Combat mechanic… Don’t know if it’s the same as the WoW one mentioned, or who did it first though.

  14. Dinger says:

    And the winner of the June 14, 2010 award for mind-blowing post in an RPS blog goes to John Walker.

    I was, however, expecting some commentary on the racist and genocidal agenda implied by the bikini bunnies bitch-slapping each other.

  15. Nikolaj says:

    I usually give games that label themselves as mature a wide berth, since they’re usually quite immature. That certainly seems to be the case here, although the rap still managed to catch me off guard. I suppose the people who made those videos are hoping that they’ll help sales, although why anyone would think so is beyond me. On the other hand, it got them a mention on this site, and probably elsewhere, too.

    • Stromko says:

      I have to assume the man (I’m assuming it’s a man) rapping is also one of those bikini girls, since the video doesn’t specify whether there is any other option for player characters.

      Also how the hell did they think this could work? People can join SecondLife without a credit card (or any other proof that they are of age, natch) and see far better digital nudity than some third-rate MMORPG.

  16. Kirian says:

    I’ve heard Rohan described as the most generic MMO to come from Korea. That did not prevent me from being astounded by those two videos. Jeepers. Even wonky horses couldn’t make me play that.

  17. Kazang says:

    (~0.o~)

    But seriously. What the hell?
    The song isn’t that bad, which is surprising. But at the same time it’s just so hilariously terrible.

  18. Alaric says:

    “that you see on games sites that are yet to implement their new ads deal”

    There was an Evony ad right on top of your homepage as I was reading that.

    Just so you know.

  19. Sobric says:

    The songs aren’t actually that bad. I mean, I was expecting a squeaky voiced 13 year old “rapping” over speeded up Dragon Ball Z soundtracks. I wasn’t expecting this at all.

    This is so strange.

    • Rinox says:

      Yeah, had the same bizarre feeling. They’re not even really bad (especially the second dude). Which is, to say the very least, surprising.

    • Nick says:

      Decent enough rappers, terrible songs. I think thats what we can all take away from this.

  20. Harlander says:

    He’s using homophobic slurs to declaim against his rival’s griefing of newbies.

    I’m… not sure how to feel about that.

  21. ros says:

    XD ya, if not “MEET GIRLS (who are old men IRL)” sort of thing XDD

  22. Tei says:

    I can’t watch this, because of the misguide use of fonts :-/

  23. Imperialles says:

    Best video game rap I’ve seen since the Heroes of Newerth rap Haters Gonna Hate

  24. yogSo says:

    ‘Get That’ has now 110 views. Well done, RPSers!

  25. jonfitt says:

    Mature? Sigh.

    If only there were a word which mean “not for children” while at the same time implied the presence of women in various states of undress?

  26. Mistabashi says:

    This is awesome, reminds me of the predator rap (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/1b2f2ac4af/amazing-predator-rap-from-predator_mashups), although it’s nowhere near as good obviously.

  27. Coins says:

    I could make a comment like ‘women emancipation blown back to the 50’s’, but I’m not going to. I’m too busy laughing. Or cringing. Man, this makes Evony look like a prude.

  28. Nick says:

    There is something slightly ironic about the homophobic slurs when the person probably spends a fair amount of in game time hitting on other guys, no?

  29. a says:

    All I know is that I want Walker picking the SP tunes from now on.

  30. Unaco says:

    There’s also a second, lower quality version of the “Get That” music video, from 2007. It has ~1030 views. From the comments there, it appears that Mr Natural does indeed play the “Rohan” game, under the pseudonym “QueenMuzik” or “Queen Music”.

  31. Lacero says:

    The unblinking eye of Saul Zaentz is now focused on the previously overlooked land of Korea. And its bikinis.

  32. BigJonno says:

    Wow, nerdcore really has gone downhill.

  33. Tom O'Bedlam says:

  34. Meat Circus says:

    You know games where women fantasize about gunning down men on the street?

    THIS IS WHY THEY WANT TO DO IT.

  35. Hyetal says:

    Maybe’s using the derogatory language as a hark back to the days where kids used it differently..? As is said in the gospel of Louis CK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-otAJrtY-w

    Probably not, but I still think Louis CK is funny.

  36. Stick says:

    It’s, erm, refreshingly devoid of trite hooks like telling people a single thing about the gameplay? Also, “take vengeance / meet girls / get revenge”? The intended target market scares the crap out of me.

  37. BeamSplashX says:

    For great gaming rap, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPm0hfbv18U

    And skip to 2:05.

  38. goodgimp says:

    But that’s what the rap led me to believe! :(

    • goodgimp says:

      Damnit, that was supposed to be in response to:
      “The game is rubbish even by my painfully low standards dulled by countless free mmorpgs if anyone was wondering.”

  39. Spacegirl says:

    “Conquer Battles”, you say…

    Sure, but who’s gonna govern it?

  40. NinjaCat says:

    If it wasn’t for Rohan, I wouldn’t be saying Double-U Tee Eff.

  41. Joseph says:

    I think it is important to know that the second song is actually “I love college” by Asher Roth, with completely new words. :D

  42. Risingson says:

    So this is what adult gaming is about!

  43. Tony M says:

    Of all the things to mock in that video. The only thing that really bothered me is the awkward English of “Conquer Battles”. What does that say about me?

    Tony

  44. Son_of_Montfort says:

    K-Natural gets extra points for fitting the word “behooves” into a rap. I think it might be the only rap in history to use it!

  45. gribbit says:

    This is the game my 14-year old nephew would design if he could. Crappy rap, underage waifs in thongs, and unusable-looking weapons with lots of spikes on them. Probably not enough dismemberment for him though. Just like “Girls Gone Wild,” “for mature audiences” just means “by the time you can use a credit card to pay for this, it’ll be too dull to watch.”

  46. i am paul newman says:

  47. TeeJay says:

    Celebrity Trivia:

    Apparently K-Natural’s sister is Shar Jackson, who had two children with Kevin Federline (who also did some rapping under the name “K-Fed”). Kevin Federline split up wih her and had two kids with Britney Spears, so that means K-Natural’s niece/nephew are half-brother/sister to Britney’s kids. Wow! (not really ‘wow’, but hey why not?). :)