By Alec Meer on June 22nd, 2010 at 6:56 pm.
A quick refresher on the epochal events of everyone’s favourite ten-year-old videogame… If you find any inaccuracies in this meticulously-researched document, that’s because you’re wrong. Spoilers, obv.
INT: A BIG RED ROOM WITH A GIGANTIC CREEPY HAND IN IT
BOB PAGE: Underneath this gigantic creepy hand is the perfect place to openly discuss our plans to take over the world.
WALTON SIMMONS: Yes. And I seem to have been promoted into a position of immense power despite being incredibly and obviously sinister. No-one would ever suspect me of unleashing synthetic plagues and killer cyborgs.
BOB PAGE: Aquinas spoke of the mythical City on the Hill. Soon that city will be a reality, and we will be crowned its kings. Or better than kings. Gods.
THE PLAYER: I do hope you’re not expecting me to be surprised when you two turn out to be evil later.
EXT: LIBERTY ISLAND
PAUL DENTON: JC! I’m your brother, you know.
JC DENTON: Yes, I know.
PAUL: Just checking. Right, go over there and kill all the men over there. Or, don’t. Clever, eh? Bye!
JC attempts to sneak into THE STATUE OF LIBERTY. He seems strangely incapable of effective stealth, and ends up messily killing ALL THE MEN in a blind panic.
TERRORIST LEADER: Don’t kill me. I’m a good guy really!
JC DENTON: I’m having a bit of a moral dilemma about this. Didn’t seem to matter when I killed all those other guys, though.
EXT: NEW YORK
JC continues to kill lots of terrorists around town anyway.
PAUL: You know all those terrorists I told you to kill? Actually I’m working with them. And the other guys who keep telling you what to do are making up a plague so that they can rule the world. Bye!
ANNA NAVARRE: Don’t worry about that. Kill this slightly more important terrorist instead. If you do I might flirt with you a bit.
JC: I don’t wanna. You’re scary.
ANNA: Meh, no biggie. Killing is fun!
INT: NEW YORK HOTEL
JC: What a shame.
PAUL is killed. Maybe.
PAUL: If you reload about 17 times you can save me. Doesn’t matter either way, as I’ll miraculously still be alive in the sequel whatever you do.
JC: Ow, my head.
PAUL: Yeah, that’s your killswitch activating. Bye!
JC: So whose side am I on now? Oh, I’ve been captured.
INT: SOME LAB
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Go over there and kill all those other men. They’re the real baddies, honest.
JC: Oh look, I’m in my office now. Strange I never noticed this vast labyrinth full of evil men with guns just behind it before. I’d better kill them all.
ANNA NAVARRE: But you won’t kill me!
JC: Flatlander woman.
ANNA NAVARRE: Oh. [Dies].
JC kills ALL THE MEN, then goes to HONG KONG.
EXT: HONG KONG. It’s big.
INT: HONG KONG. It’s less big.
TRACER TONG: You’re not dying any more. Now go to some other lab and find the plague.
JC: Rightio. Oh look, a sword. Chop!
INT: SOME OTHER LAB
JC chops ALL THE MEN.
JC: OK, I’ve found the plague. Looks like the Illuminati did it. They sound mysterious and/or important. Better go to Paris, famous home of mysterious and/or important things! This is like a Dan Brown novel, but written years previous and not horrifyingly moronic.
ILLUMINATI LEADER: Bollocks. Guess I’m not very good at this secret society thing, eh? Anyway, that spooky guy who hangs around under giant stone hands actually did it, then blamed me. Bet you’d never guessed he was evil, huh? It’s a conspiracy!
GUNTHER: Bonjour! I’m sad because you killed my scary lady friend, I’m slightly a robot and I can’t have my favourite drink. Eh? What’s a Laputan machine? Oh. [Dies].
ILLUMINATI LEADER: See, it’s a conspiracy! Now go to California.
INT: SOME MILITARY BASE
X-51 LEADER: Which group am I from again? This has just got stupidly confusing now. Anyway, it’s definitely a conspiracy. I’ll prove it by sending you to Area 51, most famous of all the conspiracies.
INT: AREA 51
JC kills some ALL THE MEN and then some ALIENS. No-one’s entirely sure why.
BOB PAGE: If I stick my brain into this computer, I’ll rule the world. The only thing that can possibly stop me is someone else doing it first. Oh, hello JC. I’ll stand over here while you decide what to do, then.
TRACER TONG: I’m a bit of a hippy and may not have thought this whole thing through. Let’s destroy all technology!
ILLUMINATI LEADER: I think I’m better than anyone else, and you can be in my gang if you agree. Let’s secretly take over the world!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I’m a computer, therefore heartless but objective. Maybe. Let’s also take over the world, but more noisily and without any of those other idiots!
JC: Actually, I quick-saved five minutes ago, so I’m gonna do them all. I’m allowed to do that because I have the same initials as Jesus. Bye!
[This piece was written several years ago, for something that was never published. Unsurprising, perhaps.]