Daily Rag: Gamers Addicted To Foot-to-ball

By John Walker on August 11th, 2010 at 5:11 pm.

Another victim of foot-to-ball falls victim.

Games psychotherapist, Stephen Bishop, has told the Daily Rag that games players are showing an increasingly worrying addiction to football. Players of Modern Warfare 2, Grand Theft Auto IV, and Peggle are apparently spending up to one and a half hours playing the sport without food, rest, or any form of videogaming.

Bishop told the Rag:

“I have worked with gamers in the top four clans in the professional leagues, two e-sports champions, and my local LAN cafe, Fleetforest Village. We were travelling with one gamer who had played football for three hours on the pitch. He hadn’t taken any any food with him, and hadn’t gamed. He’d then gone to his room and missed the Friday evening talk and meal. They all seem to love watching the Premiership.”

Fear that football addiction is affecting an increasing number of gamers only furthers concerns that games like Pro Evolution Soccer, FIFA, and Sensible Soccer are encouraging gamers to pursue outdoor sports.

Bishop, whose clinical studies revealed that 90 minutes of football is the same as sniffing eight pints of glue, has worked with children as young as 8 and 9 who are already showing signs of football addiction. He put us in touch with Mary Pheblemynd, who told her harrowing tale.

“My son will be down the park playing football until all hours, often not coming home until half past nine. I just bought him Mario Galaxy 2, and he’s not even touched it. Sometimes he’ll play football without eating or drinking for over ninety minutes. His father and I are besides ourselves.”

And yet despite this neither FIFA nor UEFA will admit the dangers of their sport, refusing to regulate the amount of football young people are playing. Bishop advises concerned parents,

“If your child is showing signs of football addiction, the best thing you can do is lock them in their room with a decent gaming PC or console, and just don’t let them be outside unsupervised.”

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50 Comments »

  1. Clovis says:

    This is funny because it is true.

  2. somnolentsurfer says:

    If you had one of those little ‘like on Facebook’ buttons, I’d use i here.

  3. Auspex says:

    What’s “the Premiership”?

  4. Duoae says:

    Seriously, this is a menace on society…. When will we ban things like the Daily Star and The Sun?

    Also, can i go on a killing spree justified by the tat that people like this spout? (Not really regarding this joke article ;) )

    What’s next? Playing Go Fish and Snap ultimately leads to hardcore card gambling addictions?

  5. Ian says:

    BAN THIS SICK FILTH.

  6. Cunzy1 1 says:

    Those crazy dandies! What will they do next? Kill each other for virtual objects, drink mountain dew, cyber each others wives and being shit at the world video game championship were all par for the course.

    But this! OUTRAGE. These young gaming professionals are supposedly role-models to a fictional demographic of bright eyed educated well spoken children who don’t shank each other. Now, they’ll all be out in the street playing footballs.

  7. KikiJiki says:

    Unfortunately the people you’re lampooning will point to this sort of article and decry gamers as childish for it.

    • Shinryoma says:

      And yet, they own a console just for playing football and car games.

    • Fede says:

      I don’t think so: they won’t even notice.

      And besides, the Star’s article was bullshit, no journalist could consider it well done, so they have no high moral ground.

    • bleeters says:

      Considering that logic and reason seems lost to these people, we might as well have a laugh on their behalf.

    • Archonsod says:

      They’d be tabloid readers. Someone would first have to explain the use of overly complex (more than one syllable) words to them, and quite likely they’d need to be prevented from worshipping us for our ability to imprison people in small boxes too.

  8. Dude says:

    My god this is terrible, would someone think of the children!!!!

  9. Pus Filled Sac says:

    Kick Off for the NES: shittest football game ever made

    Even if that is a picture of Sensible Soccer, it put me in mind of that abomination.

  10. Malibu Stacey says:

    John you may be a terrible healer but promise us you’ll never change.

  11. Emphursis says:

    Superb
    *applauds*

  12. manveruppd says:

    You, sir, deserve a medal! :D

  13. Frankle says:

    If they aren’t treated for this illness, then god forbid they may become a professional foot to ball player and get paid a rediculous amount of money for kicking a sphere thing about for an hour and a half (is it still 90 minutes?….I haven’t kept up to date with it).
    the horror.
    I actually have a cousin who suffers from being a professional footie player, so I’ve dealt with this horrible illness first hand.
    I fortunately never showed signs of talent…I mean illness in the slightest and was free to lock myself in my room for hours on the pc.
    then i found the wonder of porn…..I mean internet. oh those were the days.

  14. Feet says:

    Ddi you know this is the only page on the web to feature the word Pheblemynd?

    Well. Now you do.

  15. Fumarole says:

    The Pheblemynds are quite the worrisome clan.

  16. M says:

    John, did you do this with the intention of humour again? What is it with you and that.

  17. Eversor says:

    Good heavens, I like playing video games too! Does that mean… I’m in a great risk of getting addicted to football too? Please, tell me it’s not true!

  18. Gotem says:

    i can give my own anecdotal evidence, once I got so injured in teh hand playing that game that I couldn’t push a gamepad button without feeling pain, it really affected my gamer life outside of the time spent playing football

  19. CloakRaider says:

    We ought to ban this “foot-to-ball”.
    I’m worried that my kids will spend hours glued to the…pitch.

  20. Sarlix says:

    I lost a good friend to football. It started out as a kick-around in the park as is often the case, but it soon lead to weekend matches and after hours training. Before long his old trainers and tracksuit bottoms weren’t good enough and he moved on to higher quality gear.

    All his money went on more and more kit, soon he was wearing all official gear. Of course he had to find ways to pay for it all which lead to petty theft. I tried to appease him by offering last seasons kit that I found in a jumble sale, but he threw it back saying it just wasn’t enough! He needed this seasons!

    In a final attempt I hit him around the face with Baldur’s gate 2 (big box) and expansion pack, but even this didn’t help him! At this point I knew all hope had been lost.

  21. Taillefer says:

    A friend of a friend’s little brother literally played his own legs off. It is a disgrace.

  22. Brendy C says:

    Bravo, bravo. Marvellous stuff chaps.

  23. Sergey says:

    Gooooo Chelsea!!!!!!

  24. Kid A says:

    I’m willingly watching 30 minutes of pre-game chatter and then I’m going to watch a whole 90 minutes of foot-to-ball on a TV when I could be using it to play something healthy like Halo.
    And last week I bought a tennis game.
    Do I need help?

  25. Lambchops says:

    Apparantly it’s not just standard football we have to look out for. The other day I was informed by my local MP Kieth Daz about a dangerous form of ball game played by some kids in his constituency. Having been rightfully banned by concerned parents from playing foot-to-ball and sent to LAN parties to sort their heads out the children responded by indulging in a “legal high” ball game known as “kerby” or “gutters.” This outdoor pursuit may appear to be simple benign bouncing of a ball but in fact simply a distraction from the serious business of pursuing gaming perfection.

    When our report wondered whether Daz’s condemnation of this game would in fact just publicise it’s existence and lead to more curiosity among the game Daz poo-poohed the suggestion claiming that a tide of uninformed moral outrage was what was needed to solve the problem.

  26. Burningpet says:

    Hello, my name is ben and i am a foot-to-ballic.

  27. Kazang says:

    8 pints of glue!

  28. Castle says:

    I suffer from this myself, and I can tell you, it’s no joke. A football binge is a draining experience, both physically and emotionally. Often I don’t have the energy for games after such a binge, and just stare blankly at my computer screen. If I do play, my performance is seriously degraded from the excessive energy expenditures of footballing. I often ask myself why I do it, and the answer is always the same: because I can’t stop.

  29. Pijama says:

    Sir John Walker, satire is a fabulous weapon. Bravo!

  30. hahaha says:

    I am quite sure the causality is reverse! Soccer players play games. That’s how it all worked for us when we were little.

    Why?

    Soccer player = competitive

    competitive people enjoy (some little) competitiveness in their other activities : ). (we all ended up playing at least semi-pro in some game or the other – and strangely, the better the soccer player, the better the gamer X_x ).

    sorry for this small sample bias / anecdotal story… and now: WTF @ even pondering about a soccer addiction?!?!? Exercise has incredibly many great effects on small kids, I don’t even want to go into it.

    Cheers!

  31. Crusoe says:

    But please, for the love of God, do not add one.

  32. Surprised says:

    Tabloid denouncements of computer game addiction over outside activity is concerned with children isn’t it?

    I do think there is a case that children are staying inside much more these days, when I was young there was a choice of watching the 6 o’ clock news or playing football with my friends in the park. With increasing childhood obesity levels I think parents need to get their children out playing sport more. Many parents (especially those under pressure from work or family) are just happy that their kids are out the way and letting them play computer games is convenient. Tabloid scare stories, although ridiculous, may encourage some parents to get their kids outside, get a bit of activity, and mix with other children.

    This satire seems little to do with computer games journalism and more an editorial dislike of football.

  33. 357SIG says:

    What a shame.

  34. pipman300 says:

    every paper with the word daily in it’s name is awful.

    discuss

  35. drewski says:

    The first step to recovery is admiting addiction.

    I literally can’t go a week without playing football at least three times. The only thing that stops me is when I’m physically incapable of doing so, through injury or illness. The rush I get from playing football well is unlike any other, and I find I crave it if I go more than two or three days without a fix. Recently I have discovered “televised football” which provides some of the rush of playing football, without the requirement of leaving the house. I am now addicted to this too, finding that I must “watch” at least one game of football a week. Sometimes I go to “live football” as well. This involves paying large sums of money to third parties to merely view other people playing football!

    Alas, I can’t seem to find any professional help for this affliction, meaning it will undoubtedly continue. Indeed, I find that I must go to “training” this evening. When a large part of my daily planning is based around getting my fix of football, I know I have a problem.

    HELP ME

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