Get Your Privates Patched

By John Walker on August 11th, 2010 at 12:46 pm.

Penis penis penis vagina.

Zombie Cow have released a big old update to Privates. What I’m trying to say is, they looked at their Privates, and they realised they weren’t good enough. The primary problems with their Privates were their being covered in bugs, often finishing long before the person playing with them was ready, and not being able to perform with many potential partners.

What I’m doing here is I’m conflating “Privates”, the game about battling STIs in the human body, with “privates”, a colloquialism for human genitals. In doing so, I’ve given the impression that the game having bugs, crashing, and not being compatible with some systems, are in fact problems with the penises of those working at Zombie Cow. I did this with the intention of humour. It’s my way of letting you know the game’s been patched.

There are still issues, as my own crash just now will attest. However, fear not, because the sleepless team are being proactive in response. Now, if the game crashes, you’ll receive an option to get the error report. Copy the contents (because as soon as you let the game crash completely, that little Notepad window will disappear too) and then post them on the Zombie Cow forum.

And rather generously, they’re bribing you to do this.

“UNTIL THE END OF THE WEEKEND: if you take the time to pop a problem in the comments below, make sure you fill in a valid email address, and I’ll send you a link to a free version of every single game in Zombie Cow Studios’ back catalogue by way of a thank you, even the one that’s already free.”

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24 Comments »

  1. robrob says:

    And from thence the humour arose.

  2. Matt says:

    Sorely disappointed to find that this is the only RPS post tagged ‘vagina’.

  3. Baboonanza says:

    I love Zombie Cow, but I feel this an unnecesary diversion. Get back to making me adventure games you lazy bastards! I don’t care if you need money to eat, I want my old-school point-and-clicks!

  4. Meat Circus says:

    I love it when hilarity ensues.

  5. Plopsworth says:

    That’s how I tell my jokes. It turns into some obscure tale-telling in which I omit the essential bits from the original joke or am unable to piece them into something coherent or amusing. Then I get to the punch-line, everybody sort of looks at me. I explain it at length. Silence. Tumbleweeds. And then we move on to the next topic.

    • Kommissar Nicko says:

      I am prohibited from telling all but the simplest jokes for the reasons you state above. Usually it can only go so deep as “your mom,” or, for you Britons: “Thine mum, sirrah.”

  6. wellsaidted says:

    Oh John Walker, I love your word makings. Give me a cuddle.

  7. itsallcrap says:

    Saying it in the style of a southern baptist preacher doesn’t make it so.

    • itsallcrap says:

      Pfft, that was supposed to be a reply to robrob.

      Anyhoo, can anyone tell me whether this is actually worth playing, given that I already have plenty of other sources of knob jokes?

  8. Skusey says:

    Ha, you made it sound like they had dodgy penises. Great.

  9. airtekh says:

    I don’t know why, but in my head I read that entire second paragraph in the voice of GLaDOS.

  10. HYPERPOWERi says:

    CANCER OF THE PENIS?!

  11. Deakul says:

    Interesting problem I’ve got…
    If I turn shaders to normal then my entire game is black except for the weapon effects… yet if I turn it to high, it’s all okay but it runs like crap.

    Here’s my rig:

    AMD Athlon XP 2800+ 2.4ghz
    Geforce 7600GS 512mb
    2gb ram
    Windows XP Home SP3

    Everything’s updated and yeah I know it’s an old rig but I can’t do anything about that at the moment.

  12. Deakul says:

    “UNTIL THE END OF THE WEEKEND: if you take the time to pop a problem in the comments below, make sure you fill in a valid email address, and I’ll send you a link to a free version of every single game in Zombie Cow Studios’ back catalogue by way of a thank you, even the one that’s already free.”

    :D

  13. deadpan says:

    I was really enjoying this game until the level that starts out in the mouth. The AI teammates fall in between the teeth, get stuck and eventually bug out and die, making the level unplayable.

    Hoping the patch addresses this.

  14. Jambe says:

    Heh.

    I love you, John Walker.

  15. dave dog says:

    I actually spent about a week not really telling joke, more like explaining what the joke would have been had I bothered to crack it, or the potential ways you could spin what was being said into a joke. I found it funny, and was only punch a few times.

  16. Stephen says:

    I see what you did there

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