By RPS on August 12th, 2010 at 5:06 pm.
In a world exclusive interview, we have been lucky enough to sit down with the phenomenal, sometimes tragic figure of Pro Adventure Gaming, John Walker. Starting his professional point and clicking aged 4, Walker has gone on to gain fame and infamy in the pro-gaming/e-sports world. A star, like so many, tainted with controversy, his epic rise to the top has been worldwide news. We took the opportunity to speak to Walker in his own home, getting an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the man behind the legend.
The following interview contains exclusive insight into Walker’s exclusive dietary requirements, his exclusive exercise regime, and some exclusive thoughts on the pro-gaming scene. Controversy follows as he briefly mentions Counter-Strike players, and has some pie.
Enormous thanks to documentary maker and director, Jim Rossignol, and editor and executive producer, Jo Dolby.
12/08/2010 at 17:08 Heliosicle says:
You massacred that pie.
12/08/2010 at 17:11 Chris says:
Pie had it coming.
12/08/2010 at 17:57 P7uen says:
Pathetic average PPM when compared with the American Pro-Adventure Gamers though, I fear.
12/08/2010 at 18:00 P7uen says:
Sorry I don’t know where that hyphen came from, although I am in favour of adventure gaming.
And after Machinarium surely everyone must be at least pro-choice.
12/08/2010 at 17:10 CloakRaider says:
Were you eating that pie with a ladle?
12/08/2010 at 17:12 John Walker says:
The tragedy is, afterward, I did eat some of that pie with that spoon. I am him : (
12/08/2010 at 17:25 Man Raised By Puffins says:
That’s no ladle, it’s the Cobbett ProVenture™ Action Piespoon™: A key tool in the arsenal for any aspiring Pro Adventure gamer looking to devour the requisite number of pies to fuel their Human brain.
12/08/2010 at 17:53 P7uen says:
use LADLE with PIE
12/08/2010 at 18:19 Hodge says:
I don’t understand the word ‘LADLE’.
12/08/2010 at 18:42 westyfield says:
-You are in a GARDEN.
-To your EAST there is a PIE and a SPOON.
-
-What will you do next?
12/08/2010 at 19:00 Deston says:
Travel WEST, since there is no ladle. :(
12/08/2010 at 22:54 sfury says:
EXAMINE PIE
12/08/2010 at 22:59 castle says:
use ROPE with PIE
14/08/2010 at 22:05 BeamSplashX says:
Did you eat it with Oneida Gay Adventure Flatware?
12/08/2010 at 17:12 Ian says:
Look at him eat that pie…
He’s more animal than man…
12/08/2010 at 17:15 OldCrackjack says:
I’m speechless.
12/08/2010 at 17:15 CloakRaider says:
Pro Adventure Gamer if the only interaction is eat, and the only object is food! Ho HO!
12/08/2010 at 17:17 RQH says:
VHS!
12/08/2010 at 17:17 Arthur Barnhouse says:
I. . . don’t understand. Is this making fun of something specific?
12/08/2010 at 17:33 John Walker says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmYhX8fjmo8&hd=1
12/08/2010 at 17:43 Chris D says:
This would be why I haven’t picked up Star Craft 2.
12/08/2010 at 17:51 Tei says:
Ender Higgins, is that you?
12/08/2010 at 17:51 Dr. Evanzan says:
@ John (and SC2 Video)
That boy is certainly fast but can he juggle?
Clearly there is no end to Mr John Walker’s talents.
12/08/2010 at 17:52 Tei says:
must double post to correct typo
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ender_Wiggin
12/08/2010 at 17:55 dartt says:
Adventure gaming is nothing compared to Starcraft 2.
12/08/2010 at 18:22 itsallcrap says:
Maybe my brain just isn’t up to seeing all of what’s happening on screen, but does it look to anyone else like they’re just flicking uselessly back and forth between control groups without issuing any further instructions a lot of the time?
12/08/2010 at 18:23 The Hammer says:
And I thought I was the only one to remember that meme.
12/08/2010 at 18:31 Malawi Frontier Guard says:
“Watch Moon and Nada wreck havoc on the digital battlefield with their L337 reflexes to spread some pwnage.”
Best piece of game-related writing in years. I think RPS needs to close down now.
12/08/2010 at 19:57 Muzman says:
Can we plebs get a signed Razer pie shovel from the master as a prize some time?
12/08/2010 at 22:30 Muzman says:
And because I have poor impulse control
http://members.iinet.net.au/~ragtag/devourer.jpg
back to not giving up day job.
12/08/2010 at 22:45 Sarlix says:
@Muzman I laughed I cried and laughed again. Fun for all the family
12/08/2010 at 23:32 Soobe says:
@John’s YouTube link. Of course the comments are always the best, and this one had me in stitches. Here he quotes a line from one of the players in the video:
I have tried this and that, putting my wrists on sandbags and so forth…
…
…
…
come on mother fucker, how long does it take to say that in korean.
12/08/2010 at 23:42 Sagan says:
@ itsallcrap:
Yes, it basically comes down to that. I have never been active in the StarCraft community, but when APM somehow became an issue in Warcraft 3 professional gaming, it was just ridiculous. There was no relation at all between how high someones APM was to how often he would win. The guy in the video linked by John playing Warcraft 3 even makes a stupid little mistake, despite his high APM: he initially forgets to pick up the item dropped, and takes some extra damage because he has to go back and get it. If he wasn’t uselessly switching back and forth between all his troops all the time, then maybe he could control them properly.
In Warcraft 3 APM eventually became a non-issue again, and nobody talked about it anymore.
I predict that it will become a non-issue in StarCraft 2, too. The reason why people ever thought high APM was needed was, that StarCraft had crappy controls and you couldn’t select more than one building or more than twelve units at a time.That’s no longer the case and there are now very few situations where you would still want to push buttons three times a second.
13/08/2010 at 02:39 Saul says:
That’s no longer the case and there are now very few situations where you would still want to push buttons three times a second.
Unless of course you’re trying to become the RSI Champion of the World!
13/08/2010 at 20:23 Surgeon says:
@Saul
Hehe, that’s what I was thinking.
I hope they enjoyed signing those mouse mats, because pretty soon that’s going to be agony.
12/08/2010 at 17:17 Vague-rant says:
Wow. I wish I could do that many press ups.
12/08/2010 at 19:59 Nallen says:
What in god’s name…they should just, like, only push the buttons they need to.
13/08/2010 at 21:32 Nallen says:
Interesting, a reply fail, I assumed this was the fault of the user.
12/08/2010 at 17:17 Malawi Frontier Guard says:
What’s an adventure game?
12/08/2010 at 17:20 Arthur Barnhouse says:
They played them during the war, when FPS’s were rationed.
12/08/2010 at 17:18 Magiced says:
I’ve been a fan of John’s for years, and his unique combination of focus, dedication and Royal Canin dog biscuits has always been key to his overwhelming success. If only more of our aspiring athletes would have the iron self discipline to follow in his arduous footsteps, the United Kingdom would lead the world in all athletic endeavours.
12/08/2010 at 17:18 Cunzy1 1 says:
I always imagined that voice to be associated with a little pixie man and I used to feel sorry for John when the others picked on him. NOT ANYMORE JOHN.
The RPS podcast has been permanently ruined for me now.
12/08/2010 at 22:49 Hidden_7 says:
Me too! This has absolutely ruined the image I had of John in my head. For one thing, my John was always smiling; it was impossible to imagine him with a gloomy face.
12/08/2010 at 17:19 Jess Mountifield says:
Very special John. I hope you recover soon and manage to get back to your career in Adventure gaming.
12/08/2010 at 17:19 itsallcrap says:
There’s obviously been a mix-up with the video – the man in that clip is clearly Randy from My Name is Earl.
12/08/2010 at 17:26 John Walker says:
Oh good grief.
I’m not that fat : (
12/08/2010 at 17:33 Vinraith says:
@John
No, you most certainly aren’t, and I don’t think that’s what he was referring to. The unfortunate bewildered expression captured in that video freeze frame is a dead-on copy of the one Randy wears for virtually the entirety of that show.
12/08/2010 at 18:08 itsallcrap says:
Yeah.
Also if you actually were that fat, it wouldn’t be a good insult, would it?
:P
12/08/2010 at 17:19 Dubbill says:
The Royal Canin explains your lovely coat and strong teeth.
12/08/2010 at 17:20 Ian says:
What’s more, John has entirely avoided the foot-to-ball addiction that has grabbed so many of his peers.
12/08/2010 at 17:22 Jacques says:
Who invited Randy from My Name is Earl to RPS?
I kid, I kid.
12/08/2010 at 17:23 Xercies says:
Hilarious. i love you John..and i don’t care you don’t look to bad lol. My god when you were eating that pie i thought yeah go get that pie…though you shouldn’t have eaten it like that any adventure gamer knows you can eat a pie with a spoon you have to come up with an insrument of eating from various items and then eat the pie!
Never change John Walker…
12/08/2010 at 17:24 TheLordHimself says:
As a retried semi-pro pie-athlete I can confirm that a ladle is in fact the weapon of choice for those competing at the highest level.
12/08/2010 at 17:25 Flameberge says:
I have to say, seeing John exercise… I mean, phwoar!
12/08/2010 at 17:26 The Hammer says:
Rofl, good two minutes of fun.
12/08/2010 at 17:26 pakoito says:
Best pushups ever.
PS: Captcha DUHS
12/08/2010 at 20:38 Devan says:
It was hard to watch as he’s breathing in as he pushes up instead of the other way around. I kept thinking he’s going to suck up a leaf or an insect and not even get as far as the coronary failure.
Seriously though, good show! Let’s see more parodies like this.
12/08/2010 at 17:27 dartt says:
John Walker is a terrible diva. Not only is he a prima donna that makes outrageous demands when attending e-sporting events (a bowl of Maltesers with the chocolate removed must be placed in his dressing room alongside exactly 10cc of mouse blood), his lewd and unruly behaviour outside of the LAN centres that upset me the most.
It’s adventure game players like him who are damaging the public opinion of e-sports in the UK. When you look at the morning paper and see photos of Walker (or others of his ilk) stumbling out of night clubs with an April Ryan cosplayer on each arm, climb on to a motorcycle covered in Polecats decals and promptly tear across the countryside, crashing through barns and in to the lairs of respectable scientists, you can’t help but think that we have failed as a nation. Something must have gone wrong somewhere when this sort of behaviour is prevalent in those who are supposed to be our children’s role models.
12/08/2010 at 17:35 Alexander Norris says:
And the crying, man, the crying! You’d think that someone who’s supposed to be an icon for our youths would be a little better at conforming to age-appropriate stereotypes but no, here’s a creature that calls itself a Man and yet cries like a big baby!
Simply outrageous.
12/08/2010 at 17:48 Clovis says:
John makes those so-called ridiculous demands because of the complexity and danger involved in his stage show. If there is only 9cc’s of mouse blood he knows that the local roadies aren’t too careful and that something could be wrong in his setup.
Hmm… no, wait…. that’s Van Halen. Nevermind.
12/08/2010 at 17:52 Devenger says:
Following up on Alex here: in the words of a Russian competitor in the International Gaming Adventure Championships, ‘entire [British] team is babies’.
You’ve let us down, John.
12/08/2010 at 20:16 Mercurial says:
heh, I got the 10cc of mouse reference! go me!
12/08/2010 at 23:05 sfury says:
I got it too, but still haven’t finished Discworld 2, oh, woe is me! : (
12/08/2010 at 17:32 Hippo says:
Serious typing skills! Very impressive. I bet you can complete Police Quest in under 30 minutes!
12/08/2010 at 18:22 Hodge says:
What a horrible thing to say.
13/08/2010 at 13:25 phlebas says:
Absolutely. Police Quest should be savoured.
12/08/2010 at 17:32 Alexander Norris says:
Argleblargletlarg! The brain is not a muscle. *murrrdurrrrs everyone involved*
Seriously though, more like this. RPS needs to do comedy more often.
12/08/2010 at 17:33 Pace says:
Ha! That was brilliant!
12/08/2010 at 17:35 Benny says:
It wasn’t a Fray Bentos! I’m disappointed in you! :(
13/08/2010 at 02:45 Arathain says:
It was a damn fine looking pie all the same.
12/08/2010 at 17:40 Clovis says:
The funny part was when he talked about Adventure Games requiring the use of one’s brain. I liked the fast typing, but you also needed a scene with him really carefully moving a mouse to slowly cover every pixel on the screen.
12/08/2010 at 17:48 Chris D says:
Also a scene of John combining at least 10 different household objects to retrieve his car keys from down a drain.
13/08/2010 at 01:24 Dozer says:
John Walker has actually borrowed my car, for two months while I was away, and I’m pleased to say there is no evidence of any drainwater damage to the keys. I can go as far as saying that John is a most excellent custodian of cars, as in those two months the windscreen only had to be replaced once and there were no more than two Penalty Charge Notices issued for illegally driving in bus lanes.
12/08/2010 at 17:47 WiPa says:
JOHN WALKER IS RISING UP.
Captcha: SFPS. Super FPS? Nobody tell Epic Games or Treyarch.
12/08/2010 at 17:47 Duoae says:
Wait…. suffered a massive coronary failure? John’s okay, right? I mean… who is this impostor who keeps posting in the thread?!
Is it John from beyond?
o_O
12/08/2010 at 18:01 Shadrach says:
So what’s John’s PPD (Pies Per Day) ratio at the moment?
12/08/2010 at 18:03 wellsaidted says:
This is marvellous.
But has left me with an insatiable desire for pie and a wanton disregard for calorie consumption.
FIE ON YOUR HOUSES
12/08/2010 at 18:06 Alan Au says:
I still remember squaring off against Walker at the 1993 IAGC. Ah, those were the days.
12/08/2010 at 18:09 Skusey says:
Pies should have meat and gravy inside them, not silly fruit stuff. I’m Northern.
12/08/2010 at 20:53 Koozer says:
Exactly. That was not a pie, it was a fruit and pastry based abomination.
13/08/2010 at 02:48 Arathain says:
The USA would sadden you greatly (as it does me, in this instance). They don’t really believe in putting meat in pies much at all. Steak pies? Mince pies? Pork pies? Don’t exist. No lovely pasties. No sausage rolls. Sometimes I almost weep. I did learn to make a pretty decent steak pie, though, out of desperation.
12/08/2010 at 18:11 Psy says:
Margarine? Pff.
12/08/2010 at 18:26 Brumisator says:
Dammit, I need new pants, I peed myself laughing.
12/08/2010 at 18:28 Ricc says:
I love it! Reminds me of some OMM piece of old.
12/08/2010 at 18:34 westyfield says:
I just ate a beef and mushroom pie with a knife and fork. Took me about 10-15 minutes*. Having watched this video, I see where I went wrong.
John Walker, paragon of pie.
*I did have some vegetables as well, but only the pie is counted.
12/08/2010 at 18:35 Feet says:
Large bottle of squeezy tomato sauce right next to the desk says John’s a man… who at any given moment may require sauce… on things. This video is such an insight into the life of a Pro Adventure Gamer. We must update your wikipedia page with this new information.
12/08/2010 at 18:36 A Button says:
All this time, I thought John Walker was an American.
It’s good to see I was right.
12/08/2010 at 18:47 revelationspace says:
Hilarious. Best RPS post I’ve read in a long time, along with the other previous parody material from John.
More of this please :)
12/08/2010 at 18:48 Lambchops says:
Nice juggling.
12/08/2010 at 18:55 Brian says:
That was the intro to Leisure Suit Larry 3! I are a winnar!!!
12/08/2010 at 23:08 sfury says:
A WINNER IS YOU !
12/08/2010 at 19:18 Hodge says:
Man, I thought I could eat, but Mr Walker has pried open my uncultured eyes.
Also: Jim(?) trying not to laugh about ten seconds in.
This was great, I would love to see more… perhaps a similar profile for each of the writers? I’m sure I’m not alone in wanting to know the sordid story behind Quinns’ recurrent iron shortage…
12/08/2010 at 19:18 Carra says:
You’ll need to work on your clicks per seconds. No way you can win with only 10 clicks per second.
12/08/2010 at 19:31 Gotem says:
but please tell us: how many puzzles you had to solve to get a pie? had to get a fuse to fix the door bell to distract the old lady while you went around and took it from the windows with the mittens you got from the gardener in exchange of using a magnet and a string to retreive his car keys from a sewer
12/08/2010 at 19:54 Paul B says:
Is it wrong to say that I’ve got an even bigger, hairy, man-crush on John after watching this video? ;)
12/08/2010 at 20:17 RagingLion says:
Would love to see more fun videos like this from you guys.
12/08/2010 at 20:52 Zwebbie says:
This is why I don’t play adventure games; it simply sucks to use your brain a million times per second, like the professionals do, and I don’t want to get laughed at online because I actually have fun.
12/08/2010 at 21:03 DeliriumWartner says:
I was hoping for some montage footage of practicing classic adventure game puzzles, like “Paper under door to catch key” and “Use skeleton arm covered in Hitler’s blood and stool on the DNA checker”.
Does JW have a real life inventory? And if so, what does he always carry in it?
13/08/2010 at 01:27 Dozer says:
John does have a real-life inventory. It contains Heinz tomato ketchup. 300ml in a glass bottle, from memory, he showed me once.
12/08/2010 at 22:50 Tetragrammaton says:
Keepin’ that flag a’flyin’
12/08/2010 at 23:11 Alex Bakke says:
Hahaha, it’s John’s fabled emergency bottle of ketchup!
12/08/2010 at 23:12 danarchist says:
That made me laugh so hard I almost stopped crying after finding out I cant watch this seasons IT Crowd till next year!
Damn you limeys and you incredibly funny comedies and boring murder mysteries!
12/08/2010 at 23:13 Owen says:
It’s like Consolevania and RPS have merged! Brilliant stuff :)
13/08/2010 at 00:10 Limes says:
You’ll never get anywhere in the Monkey Island ladder with APM like that!
Man up and bake a pie mountain to further your skills!
Sissy!
<3 Mr Walker
13/08/2010 at 02:06 Markoff Chaney says:
Absolutely fantastic! Thank You! I still think those early Sierra games are what I have to primarily thank for my typing speed being decent. Keep up the laughs. :)
13/08/2010 at 02:22 Luckylad says:
I guess I am the only person to note that you were wearing a Phillies hat… For shame
13/08/2010 at 05:50 Shadram says:
@Luckylad: He’s British. To us, it’s just a hat.
13/08/2010 at 05:53 DarkNoghri says:
I’m American. It’s still just a hat.
13/08/2010 at 08:37 John Walker says:
How DARE you!
That’s my Phillies hat!
And how about that comeback against the Dodgers?!
13/08/2010 at 08:57 harvb says:
Now that was funny, like going back to the old days of funny stuff. Bring back the funny.
Next thing you know we’ll have the funny mouse-over captions on screenshots again!
13/08/2010 at 14:57 Land says:
Those never left, it’s just that they don’t always do it. But most of the time.
13/08/2010 at 20:28 Surgeon says:
That’s just absolute genius.
More of this please mighty RPS.
14/08/2010 at 11:16 Will says:
This is why I pay my £2 a month!
14/08/2010 at 14:24 Birky says:
I’m slightly worried that John’s breathing seems to flange while he’s doing press-ups. That can’t be healthy.
15/08/2010 at 13:28 KindredPhantom says:
Who ate all the pies?
20/08/2010 at 13:10 lolfang says:
Ah, you British people always crack me up. It’s also fun that the word ‘British’ is so close to ‘Brutish’.
26/10/2011 at 17:47 berjalan says:
What a dashingly handsome chap. And comes with his own pie. Will you marry me? :-P