The Song Of Onionbog, Pt 4: Fascism & War

By Quintin Smith on September 30th, 2010 at 2:29 pm.

Don't worry about the turtles in the corner. They're dead. I think.

Onionbog is booming. Booming like a stinking, sulphurous deep-sea crater, emitting stinking hot burps on a regular basis. But I’m no fool. That’s why I’m building defenses. To keep my lovely hole in the ground safe.

I love this place. I hate this place. I’ll hate to see it fall. I’d love to see it fall.

What’s happened since my last diary? Well, it turns out I’m an underground fascist. By which I mean I do my fascism underground, as opposed to meaning I am secretive about it in any way.

See, for the last 6 months of in-game time I’ve been having a problem with double-booked beds. I create a bedroom, assign the bed to a dwarf, and discover that I’ve accidentally given it to two dwarves instead of one. The only solution I could see was to have the bed shipped back to furniture storage, then send it back and make a new bedroom.

Turns out I am a monster.

“Oh, Armok protect us,” cried Jiim. “Not again.”

The expedition leader had just politely forced open the door to one of Onionbog’s fine bedrooms to see, and not for the first time, two dwarves sharing the cosy space instead of one. He examined their faces. They bore smiles, but they were the sugary smiles of dwarves up to their noses in the mossy pool of madness.

“I am so sorry,” said Jiim. “I am tremendous sorry. It is the right of every inhabitant of Onionbog to have their own chamber. I will call the dogsdwarves to return this bed to storage immediately.”

“Oh, oh, no,” spoke one of the dwarves. “She’s my wi–”

Stroking his braided moustache in biting consternation, Jiim went barrelling out of the room in shame.

“She’s my wife!” the dwarf called after him. But a grubby dogsdwarf was already muscling his way through the door, manhandling the furniture from the room.

Turns out my beds were being assigned to two dwarves because they were husband and wife.

Fuck.

Winter arrives at Onionbog, and I spend those hostile months setting up my defenses. First: traps. I’d been putting this off because I figured it’d be headache-complicated, but it’s actually a piece of cake. You tell a mechanics dwarf to build some ‘stone mechanics’, and you tell a carpenter to build some menacing spikes or spiked balls or cages, and then the two items are assembled wherever you want your trap.

Within a week Onionbog’s front hall is a terrifying gauntlet of (ineffectual, unreliable, wooden) traps. Any interlopers will (probably) be attacked by stakes (which will snap on contact), assaulted by swinging, spiked balls (which will bounce off them harmlessly) and anyone who survives that gets a wooden cage dropped on them (which they’ll then punch their way out of like a paper bag). Job done!

That’s the traps in the bottom right, there, just before the door.

Setting up my military is more complicated. Much more complicated. Setting up my military almost brings me to tears. All I want to do is take my two axedwarves, Aleck and Ablel, put them in a room together with two wooden training axes and let them beat the shit out of one another until they’ve learned a thing or two about beating the shit out of things. That way when I accidentally tunnel into an underground cavern of snailmen I’ll at least be able to tell the Dwarf Fortress veterans reading this “I had a militia, proud warriors to a man, but they were overwhelmed.”

Following a guide, I select Ablel as my militia commander. I give him a squad, which in my game receive the name The Defended Fountains. I select their barracks. I select their uniform, and equipment. This is where I start to get lost.

Fiddling with the squad options, I set The Defended Fountains’ status to “Active/Training”, and I set their orders to “Train, minimum 2 squad members”. Do I want to set them to “Alert” as well? I have no idea. Also, in the barracks I can put a “T” for “Training” next to their names if I press ‘t’. I do this. Aleck and Ablel still aren’t training. Are they not training because I’ve set them to “alerted”? Or “active”? Or because the barracks are missing something? Or because the barracks are on the wrong setting?

Looking for help, I begin reading various horrible stories about how dwarves don’t stop to eat or drink while they’re training, and that if you’re too zealous with their schedule they’ll die of thirst. Obviously, the thought of the only two warriors in Onionbog dying mid-training is upsetting.

I’m just going to push this whole story up against the wall and shoot it. Basically, after an entire Winter of toggling things in my military on and off I discovered the reason Aleck and Ablel were so infrequent in their sparring was because they’re both lazy. Nothing to do with me. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Dwarf Fortress.

Probably for the best, anyway. Ablel’s a better warrior than Aleck in every single respect, plus he made it to the supply bins before Aleck. As such, Ablel’s currently kitted out in a full leather uniform, while Aleck’s wearing leather trousers and a single leather glove. Aleck is Michael Jackson on a bad day. So, the more often these fight, the more likely Aleck is of sustaining a terrible injury. And we don’t have a doctor in the fort yet.

Spring sees the arrival of a proper horde of immigrants, bringing Onionbog’s population from 21 to 40. Welcome, you bloody freeloaders! Be sure to wipe your feet in the entranceway on your way in. That’s a metaphor. The entrancwaye is full of mud and rotting dragonflies. Wiping your feet anywhere here will only make you dirtier.

Wait, what the Hell is that?

My word. A goblin thief is impaled on one of the wooden stake traps at the entrance to my fort. How long has he been there? Did the immigrants have to walk past him? How unhygienic. Men, loot his corpse and chuck his body in the dump.

I lob three of the new arrivals into the militia. One of the remainder is a talented bone crafted, and immediately sets to work making masterpiece-level bone crowns out of horse skulls. Which is nice.

Later that day, one of my stonemasons has a baby while she’s at work, taking our populace from 40 to 41. She doesn’t actually stop working to do this. I appreciate Onionbog doesn’t have a health and safety policy, but still.

I celebrate all the new arrivals by getting everyone in the fort with a knack for stone engraving to engrave the walls and floor of the dining room. Engrave what? That’s up to them. Onionbog isn’t a fort that inspires much, evidently. One of the carvings is of Kerion, surrounded by other dwarves. Another carving is of the time Goden got possessed made that wooden bracelet. One of my stone detailers just draws himself. Twice. Worst dining room ever.

Man, I need some action around here. I get my wish when one of my fishermen is attacked by a creature from a nearby lake, scaring the piss out of him and sending him running back to the fort for a drink.

Dispatch the militia!

“It’s war, fellows!” spoke Ablel, commander of the militia. “Tekkud! Kel! Cease your wrestling. Jiim has learned me that we have an enemy, and we are to not return to the fort until they are all dead and still.”

“Does this mean we’ll get real weapons?” questioned Kel, his tender face full of hope.

“No,” said Ablel, for he knew the exact quantity and location of all the metal axes in Onionbog. There were two, and they were in his room. “You will be granted your battle axe when you have earned it, like Aleck and I.”

“Who are we making dead?” questioned Aleck.

Ablel’s face took on the hardness of iron. “The hoary marmots,” he said. “A marmot is not a monster to be talked with. I have seen a marmot, once. It took a dwarf’s kneecap clean off.” This was a rapid fabrication, for Ablel had never seen a marmot.

“Be stony, men,” Ablel said to the silenced barracks. “The war has begun. It is our job to end it.”

The militia have been under these orders to Kill All Marmots for about a month when I realise that none of them left the fort with so much as a wineskin full of water, so I decide bring them home before they starve. Their killcount after a couple of weeks on duty? Three hoary marmots. That’ll do, men. That’ll do.

What I really need, now, is some metal arms and armour for these guys. With food and drink supplies looking steady, I launch a huge array of construction. By summer in my second year Onionbog has a mine:

And it also has functioning industries for the production of both leather and metal goods. Plus a kennel, for training war animals. My dwarf skilled in animal handling looks over the collection of knackered donkeys, bony cats and tame dogs in our dining room, and informs me that none are suitable. Damnit.

Soon the militia are equipped with iron weapons and mail shirts. Excellently, I discover that I can make them wear the mail on top of their leather armour, the poor bastards.

Any day could still bring disaster to Onionbog, but for the first time I feel ready for it.

This is probably a mistake.

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77 Comments »

  1. 411570N3 says:

    A good idea is to give everyone shields. Blocking is an incredibly useful skill, being able to stop anything up to and including dragon fire and deadly noxious gas blasts at higher levels. Another thing you may want to consider would be a danger room. Read how this would work here: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=63528.0

    • thebigJ_A says:

      That doesn’t tell you how to set it up. At least, not for a newb like me.

    • President Weasel says:

      create a small barracks, e.g. a 3 by 3 room with an armour stand in the middle. Designate it as a barracks. Assign a miltita squad or two and tell them to use the room for training.
      Create a bunch of wooden training spears.
      Use the Build, Traps sub menu to find “upright spear or spike” (not weapon trap)
      Create one single wooden training spear in each square of your barracks.
      Create a lever.
      Connect this lever to every spear in the barracks. (this will require one mechanism to create the lever, and two to connect to each spear, a total of 17 mechanisms for a 3 by 3)
      Q the lever, add Pull the lever to the task list, set that task to repeat.

      The squads training there are unlikely to get seriously hurt by the spears, and they will get better at blocking, dodging, and armour wearing. Any minor brusing will be good practice for your medical dwarfs.

      This was my “oh wow, you can use DF mechanisms to make a wide variety of interesting things” moment, which is why I’ve been so insistent on getting other people to try one. Maybe the commenter from further down is right and I should just let people find things at their own pace, but I remember being really pleased when someone from EG described the danger room to me.

    • jrod says:

      I much prefer to
      1) put all my cats into one crate
      2) put said crate in a room with captured goblins and kobolds
      3) attach levers to said crates in said room
      4) lock room
      5) pull lever

      CATSPLOSION + GOBLIN MASSACRE + TEMPORARY FPS DEATH = FUN!

      Just be sure to have some dorfs standing by for cleanup duty.

  2. Junior says:

    Ah yes,the great trials of the new military system.

    While it does give you great flexibility and control over your dwarves,the time it takes learning how to do anything after the simplicity of the old one has been too much for some people, and as you’ve showed us, sometimes it’s not even your own fault!

    Two bits of advice; Make your squads smaller, and they’ll be able to spar more often, since onlytwo dwarves can spar at once in any given squad. And you might want to make a ‘danger room’, which is a training room with a floor overed in training spears which will rise out of the floor and teach your squads the importance of dodging and blocking much after than they would otherwise learn.

    It also has hilarious consiquences for pets and babies, especially given the habit of dwarven mothers in the militaryto use their babies as shields.

    This is great stuff, hopefully Onionbog will enter the great fortresses of Dwarf Fortress alonside Oilfurnace and Boatmurdered.

    • Quintin Smith says:

      Man. You guys really want me to build a danger room, huh? Fine! The blood will be on your hands, not mine.

    • President Weasel says:

      The blood will be all over the spikes, and the floors.
      Militia dwarfs with shields have very little to worry about. cats will get hurt, but forts tend to get buried in waves of cats anway so that’s all to the good.
      The only issue I’ve seen with the danger room is babies – maybe I am softheared but I feel bad for the little pixellated simulated minidwarfs. I try to have mainly man dwarfs in the militia, and to move any lady dwarfs who have babies out of the militia until the child is grown up.

      Oh, and war animals – I’d recommend assigning those to woodcutters and fishermen and other venture-outdoors types, rather than your melee militia. And to marksdwarfs, if you make them – but if you think making a melee squad is black magic you just wait until you’ve tried crossbow dwarfs.

    • Bluebreaker says:

      It’s not true that only 2 dwarfs can spar, I have squads of 10 with at least half of them sparring and the rest watching or doing other training.

    • Junior says:

      The blood of Onionbog on MY small hands? You honour me too greatly Sir!

      One last piece of advice, to you and any of Armok’s Avatars, don’t give up, even when all hope has fled and the last dwarf is a babbling wreck. Sometimes great fortresses spring from the most vomitous roots, and there is a great deal for us to learn about Dwarves while a fortress is in it’s death throes.

    • Rob Maguire says:

      The new military system is the one thing I hate most about DF2010. When you hear detractors talking about ‘complexity for the sake of complexity’, this is the kind of thing they are talking about.

      40d (the previous version of Dwarf Fortress) had a concise, intuitive military screen that took five minutes to learn. You could create squads, set the equipment level of each individual, and give them standing orders in about thirty seconds. The new military system, however, will have you repeatedly referring to the wiki for hours, and even then it is still a buggy mess.

      Hmm. That was a bit more negative than I intended, so here’s some good things about DF2010:
      * The new medical system is nice. I hated losing legendary dwarves to incurable internal injuries.
      * Heroes/Champions can work now. Prior to this, any dwarf with Legendary skill in a weapon would be stuck permanently in that military position. I’m glad that’s gone.
      * The redone material/combat systems. I was always bothered that an adamantine hammer (you know, the metal that weighs about as much as a feather) was a viable weapon choice in 40d.

    • CunningAllusionment says:

      Danger Rooms are mostly harmless ways to train up your dorfs defensive skills. I’ve been thinking that it’d be a good idea to make a Danger Play Room for the fortress’ children to play in so they don’t grow up lazy and complacent.

      As long as we’re talking about traumatizing young creatures, you should build an auto-slaughter mechanism for your fortress’ kittens before they get out of control and you drown in kittens. If you chain your male and female cats to a ledge above a trap door that’s opened and closed with a repeating lever, when the kittens are born, they’ll wander our onto the trap, and be dropped to their death (make sure it’s deep enough). You can put the butcher and bonecrafter right at the base so the kittens fall right into his lap! That way you don’t have to bother tracking down every last kitten before they become someone’s pet.

  3. President Weasel says:

    The war animals thing is annoying. There’s a list on the wiki of which animals are tameable (quite long, and featuring some really cool-sounding war creatures), and which animals are tameable without a Dungeon Master NPC (considerably shorter and more disappointing).
    I believe you need a grown-up member of the relevant species, which hasn’t already assigned itself as a pet to any dwarf.
    Then again, you might need the three sacred planets to align – the whole thing is a mystery. All I know is that every now and again I Q my animal training building, tell it to train some war animals, and sometimes I get war animals.

    I do heartily recommend making a “danger room” barracks for your militia to train in, so they get their armour wearing and defence skills up. It’s pretty much the only use for wooden trainign spears; as you noticed, wooden weapons in traps are feeble.
    You’ll eventually get some metal weapons made, and if you defeat any goblins you can also gather whatever weapons they’ve left. Survive long enough and you’ll have a stock of sub-par but fairly effective weapons, perfect for using in weapon traps. You can also craft “giant metal corkscrews” and “big scary death wheels”* with your metalcrafters. Those work well in weapon traps

    *note: may not be the exact name.

    • Rinox says:

      Is it me are most untrained animals, even the bigger ones, pretty useless? I’d bought two giant lions from an Elven caravan when I got sieged by humans. I decided to chain them both to the end of my small entrance hallway to take care of those pesky humans.

      A little later, two dead giant lions, 15 dead war dogs, a lot of dead dwarves. All killed by one human with a spear. :rolls eyes:

    • Hmm-Hmm. says:

      @Rinox: On the contrary, I’d say that must have been quite the spearman.

  4. misterk says:

    “Turns out my beds were being assigned to two dwarves”

    and in the game!

    (I will not stop)

    • stahlwerk says:

      Don’t you ever!

    • HexagonalBolts says:

      Hahahhaha oh Quintin! You didn’t assign it to two dwarves, they’re married and the spouse moves in automatically, if you reassign the bed to someone else the old person is automatically booted out

    • Man Raised By Puffins says:

      and John Walker, patron saint of un-read articles, wept but a single tear…

    • Rich says:

      Beard shall not lie with beard.

    • misterk says:

      I’m amused that hexagonalbolts thought:

      “hmm, this article is loooong. If only I could have an insight into the content within. I know, I’ll read misterk’s lame “and in the game” joke!”

    • thebigJ_A says:

      Way to fail, Hex. Way to fail.

  5. Navagon says:

    You played Minecraft first, yet it took you that long to appreciate that mining might be a good idea?

    • Rich says:

      Mining is easy. Managing a mine is hard.

    • Navagon says:

      Especially if it’s in Dwarf Fortress, I take it?

    • thebigJ_A says:

      I’m still learning, myself, but it seems like “mining” (as in, digging specifically to find stone) is almost a side-effect.

      You dig out the rooms and hallway you need, and in the process find various stones/gems/ore.

      Or am I totally wrong?

    • Jhoosier says:

      Yes and no. Most stones you will use for crafts, furniture, etc. are leftovers from mining. In the pre-2010 versions metal ores, flux (needed to process iron into steel), and ‘others’ were much less common, so many people would perform exploratory mining. So much so that there were posts on what digging patterns were most efficient and would result in the best chance of finding ore.

      Nowadays, you can’t hardly dig without tripping over hematite, so it’s better. But it’s still important to dig for ore, because you may have a mayor/noble with a preference for a rare (on your map) material, which means when he makes a demand you should be ready to respond.

      Incidentally, it takes a bit of fiddling, but you can carve stone furniture out of ore which is handy if you don’t have metalworks up and running (and your mason will usually be higher-skilled than your metalcrafter anyway). I had a ton of gold ore once and made a bunch of rock tables/chairs out of it for my early dining room.

  6. TooNu says:

    I started playing this yesterday, never have I been so excited about assigning bed space and making small rooms for my 7 Dwarves…ok 8..ok 9…15 Dwarves. It’s like ‘My virtual Rabbit family’ on the DS.

    And good job on them Marmots.

  7. Jimmy Z says:

    After getting into Minecraft largely due to Iron Quinns’ excellent stories here at RPS (when I say ‘got into’ it means more like it has been taking up most of my waking hours for a couple of weeks now, the fucking time vampire), I was awfully curious about DF too because it did seem fun, if not of the slightly masochistic sort.

    So I went ahead and downloaded DF with the pretty tileset, fired it up and promptly died of a brain haemorrhage because the UI is just that bad. And I’ve even played other roguelikes before. So I think I’ll just be content at reading Quinns’ stories, playing it just seems like way too much of a chore…

    • Hippo says:

      Sad to hear you died. Hope you’re feeling better now, though…

    • Rich says:

      Zombie! Fetch your diamond swords brothers!

    • Tei says:

      I would not describe DF as “fun”. Is more like deep, but not exactly deep, is more like a bottomless pit. But is also random, and aimless. It can be played like a Theme* game. Theme Dwarf. But people on the internet use it as a tales of epic fails generator. Disasters porn.

    • stahlwerk says:

      @Tei, Haha, Dwarf Fortress, defying conventional genre boundaries: It’s an EFG, stoopid!

  8. Pantsmansoy says:

    I also downloaded DF because of Quinns’ stories, along with the Mayday graphics pack. After a couple of false starts, last night I actually had a dwarf successfully mining out rooms for me! I built stairs that actually allowed dwarves to go to the lower level of my fortress! And then I tried to convert the stairs into up/down stairs instead of just up stairs by deleting them and rebuilding. Except it didn’t let me rebuild them. So my only mining dwarf was stuck on the second level, starving to death…

    Sigh. I’m trying to enjoy this, but it’s difficult. And yet after I quit in disgust, I keep thinking about it and returning…

    • President Weasel says:

      If it’s in a square that you’ve already mined out, you need to use the buildings menu, rather than the desgnating things for mining menu. Think of it as telling your dwarfs to bring materials there and make stairs out of them, rather than digging out everything except the stairs.

      Alternatively, just designate some up stairs (or up/down stairs) in an unmined area, and then your miner can mine a corridor from those back to your main fort.

  9. stahlwerk says:

    Is there a chance of militia management being externalised into something like Dwarf Therapist? I’d really like to get back into DF, but after sorting out underground farming and dealing with steady immigrant streams, Military setup was just the last nail in the (masterfully engraved) coffin for me.

    • Rob says:

      I was more or less struck down with horror when I first tried the new military system in DF2010. I think it was only because I’d played the previous big release enough to be comfortable with everything else that I could bear to learn (or carefully follow the wiki instructions for) yet another system. If I’d been coming at Dwarf Fortress fresh I think I’d have thrown in the towel there too.

    • President Weasel says:

      You need a towelmakers’ shop, a craftsdwarf with the towelmaking skill enabled, and some rope reed fiber for that. I suppose you could just throw a rock instead.

    • DMJ says:

      @President Weasel: Unfortunately towels are broken in the latest release. A known bug causes dwarfs to wear towels around their heads, making it impossible for them to eat or drink and they will eventually die of thirst. Apparently they’re scheduled to be fixed when Toady is finished modelling the beads of water which cling to a dwarf’s skin when he gets out of the shower.

    • WCG says:

      Heh, heh. You guys ARE funny. Or were you being serious? Knowing Dwarf Fortress, it’s hard to tell.

  10. milksop says:

    I can’t tell you how glad I am that you’re a new full-time writer for RPS. that’s saying a lot considering how much I enjoyed Kieron.

    sorry for the sappy post, but what the hell.

  11. Berm says:

    What graphics mod is the author using? I must have it!

  12. mplauman says:

    The military management was written by a madman. However it can be easily ignored once a squad is defined. The dwarfs will train when they are not otherwise pre-occupied. And they’ll avoid a lot of bugs in the process.

    Since members of the dwarven army are write-offs (‘we who are about to die salute you!’) turning off all their labours gives them nothing to do but train once they have been instructed to do so using their
    barracks.

    Sic’em on the occasional woodland creature and they’ll be legendary (or at least not useless) in no time.

  13. Dood says:

    I really think the best way the learn Dwarf Fortress is by jumping right into it and using the (quite extensive) Dwarf Fortress Wiki as a reference every time you’re stuck with some problem or simply curious about something. What’s even better is knowing someone who has some DF experience and can answer your questons directly. The important thing here is that this has to be a single person, and not some people in a DF chatroom, forum or comments thread.

    Don’t get me wrong, almost all the people in the DF community are very nice and eager to help people. But this is sort of the problem, because a complete newbie will certainly be inundated with mostly overcomplicated and unnecessary advice. A case in point would be the ubiquitous “danger room”. While certainly well-intentioned, I fear to most new players things like that are a bit off-putting. So my plea at other seasoned Dwarf Fortress players would be: Don’t give new people more hints than what they asked for. Discovering things on your own is one of the best parts of DF.

    So, the conclusion would be: New players, get one or two friends to help you with your immediate problems and try to ignore all the others. The wiki is also great.

    • D says:

      While good advice all around, I am stumped that you think the idea named a “Danger Room” could possibly be well-intentioned, overcomplicated, or off-putting! What could possibly go wrong, I ask you.

    • thebigJ_A says:

      I installed the lazy newb pack the other day. I will now follow your advice.

      Hey, Dood. Teach me Dwarf Fortress! I live in Boston, if you wanna come by and teach me in person. I just made coffee. It’s delicious. (I made sure I was Proficient in Brewing on embark.)

      Everyone else is welcome to come by for coffee, too.

      ;)

  14. mandaya says:

    huh, last time I looked we’d settled on Complex Emergent World Simulation (CEWS). EFG? dang.

  15. Hotec says:

    where do you go to see the text you keep quoting?

    • Dozer says:

      Hotec – you need to go inside the brain of a professional games journalist. Dwarf Fortress is awesome, but not quite that awesome!

      That said, once your Engraver gets skilled enough and starts putting Masterwork Engravings on your walls, they’re incredibly detailed. “Engraved is a picture of a human surrounded by giant eagles. This represents the taming of giant eagles by the human Hokum Stirrupweeded during his conquest of the Humid Mountains in 759.” That’s the sort of thing the game’s history generator comes up with.

    • Hotec says:

      if thats the sort of history it comes up with i don’t know why i didn’t get engravings earlier!

      so the mind of a professional games journalist is where i should go… if only the was a professional games journalist near me…

  16. Owen says:

    God damn Quinns, these are fucking great. Especially the Dwarf banter.

    We’ll have forgotten Kieron was ever here by the end of the week :)

    • CoyoteTheClever says:

      Lies, viva la Kieron! We won’t fall for your dwarfy tricks Quinns! Should have thought before using Dwarf Fortress to warm us to this change, as failure is assured :D

      But in all seriousness I do <3 Quinns.

    • amishmonster says:

      Yes, glad you’re part of the team proper now, Quinns! Keep up the superb AARs; the first got me into Minecraft, and these are dangerously close to making me try Dwarf Fortress again.

    • Dao Jones says:

      We still have Kerion… for now!

  17. Starayo says:

    Damn you, I installed the lazy newb pack and the bentgirder tutorial level and I’ve got a sort-of thriving fort. Still trying to figure out why the hell they won’t use the bins I made to store the stone blocks my dwarves are churning out (for the purpose of storing them in bins!) and my farm has only just started working and I managed to piss off the traders that came around so I’m stuck with a crapload of siltstone crafts until the next one comes around.

    Oh, and all my bags seem to have disappeared, there’s seeds everywhere. And I’m going to melbourne for the weekend so I won’t be able to solve anything until sunday night! Damn you dwarf fortress, you horrible, glorious thing.

  18. Duke of Chutney says:

    btw the wooden cage is by far the most cost effective weapon in the game

    - they are cheap

    - they are in destructable

    - they can trap a dragon and hold it indefinitly

    - they cant harm flying creatures (dragons dont yet fly) or kobold thiefs (cos they are sly).

    • President Weasel says:

      Cages don’t catch stealthers, but you can build a couple of restraints near your cages and tie up some war dogs there. They’ll de-stealth the stealthers which allows the traps to get them. As an added bonus they’ll also get some bites in.

  19. Ricc says:

    I always wondered why dwarves keep all of their animals in the dining hall. Doesn’t sound like the best of locations.

  20. Jamie says:

    Well, they might get hungry. During dinner. Or something.

  21. adonf says:

    The end ?

  22. jalf says:

    Oh man, I just discovered where to find the combat reports.

    They are amazing
    One of my dwarves (a master milker) went berserk and attacked a dog:

    The Milker grabs The Dog by the first right front toe with her right upper arm.
    The Milker punches The Dog in the head with her right hand, bruising the muscle, jamming the skull through the brain and tearing the brain

    Another puppy was first grabbed by the nose and punched in the leg, then grabbed by the throat and strangled to death.

    I think the lesson here is never upset a professional milker

    Although in fairness, he met his match against my Siege Engineer, who punched the milker in the right upper leg, bruising the pancreas before charging at him, colliding and them both tangling together and tumbling down.

    And my militia commander who simply struck him down, solving the problem once and for all. And, sadly, made for the single most boring combat report I have (apart maybe from the Milker vs Engraver one, which consists of “The Milker attacks The Engraver but He jumps away”.)

  23. Che says:

    MORE!!!! Honestly, Quentin, I read this, and had the tears of sheer unbridled joy streaming down my face. My mother thinks I am mental.

  24. Steveo says:

    I have no mother, but I had the same reaction. More Onionbog, please!

  25. kikito says:

    Bronze Colossus says: MOARR.

  26. Grundlewart says:

    Please, more Onionbog.

    I know you’re real-world busy journalising and getting drunk and whatnot, but if you have to abandon these projects kindly let us know. We appreciate closure. Sure, we held out hope that our loved one would be found alive yet stricken with amnesia in some far-off seaside village and that’s why she’s been missing for months, but if you at least tell us, No, she’s been killed and slightly eaten by a bear or bobcat or grue or something and here’s the slightly eaten corpse for proof, we can shed some tears, have the funeral, give her crap to Goodwill and get some blessed closure.

    Might I remind you that you also abandoned Morrowind and Risen? Very very sad.

  27. YouGottaBelieve says:

    I’ve been hearing about this game but this finally has me. I gotta play this!

    “Turns out my beds were being assigned to two dwarves because they were husband and wife.

    Fuck.”

  28. FlyingSquirrel says:

    Thanks for the nifty walky-through and links Quentin! I tried picking this up last year but just couldn’t get into it at all. Thanks to the tutorial blog you link, i’ve had quite the enjoyable evening with a pack of smelly dwarves. Maybe I’ll even figure out why my farmers keep getting killed by pike! (the fish, not the pole-arm; although, come to think of it, it could be pikes wielding pikes, that would be more deadly…….)

  29. GottaGitUP says:

    More Onionbog?

  30. Ash says:

    +1, this series got me playing.

    How is the Danger Room coming along?

  31. kikito says:

    Please. Please. Don’t leave us hanging.

  32. 1Avion1 says:

    What the hell Quintin, where’s my closure? Where’s my ending? Where’s my sad, sad tale about the fortress inevitably collapsing under its own weight?

  33. TooNu says:

    Hey what the hell happened to Onionbog?