The Kingdom Of Loving

By Alec Meer on October 13th, 2010 at 8:25 pm.

my other car is made of meat

Probably the world’s finest MMO/Deathtrap Dungeon pastiche wants me back. This email… This email, it breaks my heart.

Dear [yeah, I'm not telling you that.]

Okay, I’m not good at this kind of thing, but I feel like I have to give it a try. So, here goes:

I was hanging out the other night, listening to some old mp3s, and I was just overcome with memories of when we used to hang out all the time. Remember? You were an intrepid, fearless adventurer, and I was the free-to-play, fun-and-funny online role-playing game that won your heart. Do you still remember those good times? I can’t stop thinking about them.

I mean, I know things got kind of messed up at the end, and believe me, I’m sorry. If I could take any of that back, I totally would. And I know people grow and change, and you’re not the same person you were then, but hey — I’ve changed, too! I thought and thought about how to win you back. I figured I’d make you a mix CD, but I couldn’t decide what “our song” was. So I just concentrated on becoming a better game for you, and here’s what I came up with:

Remember how much fun you used to have with your clan? Alternately, remember how you never joined a clan because you didn’t see the point? Either way, clans now have clan dungeons, group zones where your whole clan can work together. Crawl through sewers to Hobopolis, a vast underground vagrant vacation vista! Slide into the slime tube, and stir-fry sassy slimes!

I know I wasn’t the prettiest game when we were together, so I had some work done. Almost every interface got an interface-lift. You can even manage most of your inventory via chat commands! I also came up with a way for you to automate some of the things you don’t love about the game, so you can spend more time with the parts you do love.

Not only that, but there are way more animated .gifs than there were before. Don’t worry; I haven’t lost that low-fi edginess you love, but I’m a lot easier to play with now.

You can also have a custom title now, just in case you didn’t feel like I appreciated what made you unique as an individual.

I should also say
Haiku Dungeon’s been revamped.
See what I did there?

Maybe you quit because you got sick of always adventuring above the water. I admit that seems unlikely, but I fixed that, too — there are a bunch of underwater zones with new food, equipment, mechanics, and challenges.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, trust me. I’m still the silly, clever, deceptively-complex game you fell in love with, only with about 95% more awesome.

So, I’m just sayin’, if you can find it in your heart to give me another chance, I won’t disappoint you.

If you don’t drop by, I promise I won’t bother you again. I just really felt like we deserved one more try.

Love,

The Kingdom of Loathing.

KoL really is a great, great, great game, accomplishing the micraculous fusion of ripping the piss yet remaining compelling in and of itself.

That said: stop it with this necromancy and move to Facebook, you fucking idiots. You’ll clean up.

__________________

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71 Comments »

  1. Wipa says:

    Champion summary.

    • Urael says:

      I agree. Now that the Ravenous Gillenbeast has gone, you can see the other Hivemind Nodes basking in their correct dosages of cerebral fluid….

      Top stuff, Alec. :)

    • icupnimpn2 says:

      Shouldn’t you be congratulating the author at KoL? Alec’s writing may be mighty fine, but this is hardly an example.

    • Urael says:

      D’oh! This is what I get for posting when I’m tired. Totally misread that one. :(

  2. salejemaster says:

    Don’t remember where, but I read somwhere that those guys that made KoL (or guy don’t know) are making a new different game, but I can’t sime to find any more info on that…does anyone know anything?

  3. westyfield says:

    Any game with a Sabre-Toothed Lime as a pet gets an A* in my exam.

    If you haven’t played KoL, go play it! It’s good!

  4. HexagonalBolts says:

    I don’t understand… what is this game?

    • Tei says:

      “I don’t understand… what is this game?”

      Is a MMO webgame, with handdraw grafics and humour style.

    • Spacewalk says:

      Oh yes, their hand-drawn humour is very amusing.

  5. Ricc says:

    They should write patch notes that way. Admirable. :)

    • solipsistnation says:

      They do!

      October 11
      The new Mr. Store Anniversary familiars are now available. And only five days late — a new record!

      October 07
      The Traveling Trader is back from Distant Lands, and this time he brought tacos!

      October 05
      The Toot Oriole’s tutorial (get it? GET IT?) has been redone. Unfortunately, it’s not technically feasible to let existing players play the new one, so if you want to see it you’ll have to make a new account, or better yet, recruit a friend and watch them play it!

  6. Severian says:

    Wow, thinking about KoL on Facebook made me wince. Isn’t that like asking Kurt Cobain to hang out with all the football jocks, ’cause it’s the popular thing to do?

    But you’re right, they would clean up.

  7. Lambchops says:

    Bless!

    i never even heard of it first time round but am rather enjoying it’s punnage and silliness.

  8. IAMJETHRO says:

    I remember when this reached Minecraft levels of popularity.

    • tekDragon says:

      Yeah I dont think that KoL *ever* pulled in 600k a day.

    • panther says:

      Your comparing Aaron Carter success with Justin Bieber

    • BAReFOOt says:

      @panther: I’m not sure you want to call that “success”.
      It’s like the “Special Olympics”. Even if you win, you’re still a retard. ^^

  9. Diziet says:

    I got one of those recently too. I’d completely forgotten about it. I’m surprised to see it mentioned on here.

  10. John H. says:

    Seconded on the Facebook thing. Really, what is this “Farmville” and “Mafia Wars” crap? Kingdom of Loathing has a vast amount of content just waiting for the mindless hordes. I’m not sure Facebook is going to last long-term (I think of it as Yahoo 2.0), but a Facebook interface to KoL probably wouldn’t cost too much to implement and could effectively take the piss out of all those other Facebook “games” at the same time.

  11. Chris says:

    HA! Just last week I was thinking “Maybe I should start playing KoL again… it was kinda neat and I love collecting stuff so why not?” – Now I finally have even more reason :D
    I should really put on my fancy Terrifying Clown Suit and stick on my Mr. Smiles and dive into a new adventure.

  12. Mad Doc MacRae says:

    I had an account way back in high school, but it got deleted when I stopped playing. Then Jick stopped deleting inactive accounts and I haven’t really gotten back into it. :(

    • Aerozol says:

      Same here. They’re not deleting inactives anymore? Might have to make another account!

    • Fumarole says:

      If KoL existed when you were in highschool, I don’t think that qualifies as way back.

    • Mad Doc MacRae says:

      7 years ago feels way back when you’re 22. That’s like a third of my life! :P

  13. Dave says:

    FU (Fantasy University) on Facebook is kind of KOL’s spiritual successor, in that both are web-based nerdy casual RPGs full of pop culture references and whatnot.

    (Disclaimer: I worked for Simutronics (who developed FU) before it spun off HeroEngine separately; I never worked on the game myself but used to work with the weirdos who did. :))

    • El Acordeonachi says:

      Spiritual successor? Last time I checked, KoL wasn’t dead or dying, and still releases new content on a constant, if irregular, basis. And it’s the only game besides Team Fortress 2 to hold my attention over a multi-year period.

  14. Bassism says:

    Why didn’t I get an email? :(
    All the same, it’s pretty charming, and kind of tempting me to play again.

    • Baf says:

      You just haven’t got it yet. I know some people who got this email a couple of weeks ago. I’m guessing that it’s sent out automatically to accounts after n days of inactivity.

  15. Lobotomist says:

    This is surely making me wanting to play that again :D

  16. Lintman says:

    I tried to get into this game, but the “you can only make a few moves a day” limit, while I was still trying to learn even the most basic stuff, was too frustrating.

  17. Jugglenaut says:

    I remember back in the day (4 years or so ago) I got into cities.totl.net which was constantly compared to KoL, but I never got into KoL. cities was great, though.

  18. Zaruyache says:

    When you start out playing, sure, you don’t have that many turns to spend. But give it time and you’ll be acquiring and using great food and booze, generating so many turns you’ll feel guilty not playing them all!

    • westyfield says:

      The “you are too drunk to continue adventuring” message is still my arch-nemesis.

    • Susan says:

      If only we were able to get messages like that in Real Life. Things would be so much simpler come Sunday morning.

  19. Forsythe says:

    That’s what the wiki is for – if you don’t feel like wasting your turns, wait a day or two after they implement something and then go read up a bit.
    http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/

  20. piffleflop says:

    I’ve tried a fair number of browser based mmo type thingummies and KoL is the only one that has kept me coming back – most days for nearly four years. I imagine that lots of RPS readers would enjoy the inspired silliness that is KoL if they give it a whirl. Call me a fool but I can’t resist a game in which I can have as a pet a levitating potato called Algernon Charles Swinburne. And it is a pretty friendly place; I would say the majority of the players are adults; trolling teenagers rarely last long.

  21. Dao Jones says:

    Haha I am loving this game! Thanks for the post!

    Disco Bandit HO!

  22. Zhan says:

    This game is great and I enjoyed all 30 minutes that it allowed me to play. Not getting the adventures system tho. Why limit the playtime if you are not selling it? Not that I would pay for it but why limit it at all? And not showing the fullness meter on the stat screen is kind of a bummer too. But the other parts seem fun. Probably gonna play it for a bit.

    • JuJuCam says:

      Vestigial mechanic from webgames of the late 90′s / early naughties, when server bandwidth wasn’t cheap, and games were all a series of html pages (in frames!) as opposed to dynamically generated php.

      It also generates repeat traffic, which is the big challenge for any webgame that generates profit on pageview somehow.

      Worth noting that [x]Ville games on facebook do the same thing with timed crop harvesting etc.

    • nemryn says:

      Because the adventure system is a core game mechanic. Why are you only allowed to move as many spaces as the dice say?

    • tekDragon says:

      It’s by design, the scare resource is “adventures” not real life time. Everything is ballanced in accordance. Eating good foods and drinking good drinks will get you significantly more than the daily minimum of 40.

    • solipsistnation says:

      Yeah, I regularly play 250-300 turns per day without getting too ridiculous about it. The theoretical max is over 1000, but that would be insanely expensive.

      Typically, 200 turns a day is easy for non-obsessed players…

    • Mad Doc MacRae says:

      You can also “save up” turns you don’t use in a day (up to 200 I think).

  23. Pantsless O'Shillington says:

    Heavens! I have just tried this game and I do declare it is the bees knees! As your close personal friend I recommend it wholeheartedly.

  24. malkav11 says:

    I’ve really enjoyed Kingdom of Loathing the two or three times I’ve gotten into it. The trouble was, as I was getting into endgame with just the last council quest between me and ascension, the game stopped having new stuff to do and became a relentless stat/drop grind for hundreds of clicks a day. Not fun, and not something I was up to sticking with. But it grew and changed so much between my flings with it that, well…maybe this time.

    • tekDragon says:

      Just ascend, keep a skill and do it again.

    • malkav11 says:

      The point is, I never got to where I could ascend because the late game content was a soulkilling grind.

    • tekDragon says:

      Ah, in that case you could just ask for help in chat, check the forums, or the wiki. You can level up much much faster if you adventure in the right areas.

  25. Snargelfargen says:

    KoL really is hilarious and full of clever puns and references.. It’s also one of the only free mmo’s that you can “beat”. Beating it the first time can take anything from a couple months to a year depending on how much time you spend on the puzzles. After that, a weird meta-game emerges where people compete to see how quickly they can ascend (win) the game, with various constraints. Sounds silly, but it’s actually quite challenging and fun. Also, it really only takes up 15 minutes a day, although there are time-sinks galore if you go looking…

    • Aoanla says:

      …15 minutes a day? I Don’t think I’ve ever managed better than 30, and my average was much higher.

  26. Bascule42 says:

    For bringing this to my attention. Thanks Alec. Thalec.

  27. Munken says:

    RPS clan anyone?

  28. Spacewalk says:

    Breaks your heart because you missed out on our Haiku fun yesterday so this is a sulk post, right Alec?

  29. Aoanla says:

    KoL is, like others, a game that I’d have enjoyed more if my original account hadn’t been deleted from inactivity. Coming back to it last year, I found it fun for a while, but the ‘extensions’ that had been added in y absence just made things a tiny bit more tedious.
    I gather the interface is much improved now, but until they drop that pointless grindy bounty hunting quest, I’m not going back (just like WoW got a week of my time and is now consigned to never being played again).

  30. rotated8 says:

    They have a huge backlog of emails to send out, so they are starting with the oldest, and working forward. That said, I think they’re only emailing people over two years inactive.

  31. James says:

    It was funny and a somewhat compulsive experience…I don’t know that I’d have used “great” quite that many times though. It loses some of the meaning after the second repetition.

  32. MountainShouter says:

    I’m a level 4 Pastamancer with 12 Mysticality!

  33. Demos says:

    REALY!?!?! ARE YOU PEOPLE SERIOUS?!?!?!
    Steep learning curve on LOL? thats just pathetic… LoL is for gamers that couldnt handle dota, i enjoy LoL its a decent game, but its made for noobs and casual gamers(who apparently still find it a steep learning curve). Dota fot the most part is a well balanced AoS with amazing hero’s, infact both HoN and LoL has made use of numerous Characters and skills from dota, so STFU about originality.
    And whoever said that they are gonna implement all 100 hero’s 1st and are gonna kill the game… NOT TRUE!!!!!! Do you people have any idea how large the dota community is worldwide? If only old dota players bought into Dota2 Valve and icefrog will be very happy campers. Please, dont flame a game because you are too noob to play it. That being said…. Dota is a classic, The game itself is by far being the best AoS game around with HoN being second…The main problem dota is facing is its on the war3 engine(do u have any idea how old that is?). Transfering dota to a new engine without killing dota 1 is exactly what they are doing by labelling it 2.

    • TotalBiscuit says:

      HERPDERP.

      So not only do you fulfil the stereotype of the typical elitist DoTA/HoN sperglord, but you managed to post this in the wrong place.

    • Rinox says:

      I never even played DotA or any of its spinoffs and even I was amused at how this post fit the mold others have drawn in the DotA 2 thread. It’s so uncanny you’d think it was a troll.

    • JuJuCam says:

      REALY!?!?! ARE YOU PEOPLE SERIOUS?!?!?!
      Steep learning curve on KOL? thats just pathetic… KoL is for gamers that couldnt handle WOW, i enjoy KoL its a decent game, but its made for noobs and casual gamers(who apparently still find it a steep learning curve).

      etc. etc.

      Fixed :)

  34. alphaxion says:

    I already have a clan with a basement that is waiting to be used – would save 10million meat :)

  35. Duke of Chutney says:

    i got this email too

    and i wanted to respond… but

    the games just too dull, quite funny in places but dull

  36. Simon Dufour says:

    Never heard of this game. I’ll check it out. Thanks.

  37. madhaha says:

    Didn’t they send this mail out months ago? You must be really backlogged :/

  38. BLUH says:

    Why would KoL “clean up” if it was moved to Facebook? It has a depth of gameplay and strategy that definitely isn’t in the inane games that are currently on Facebook. If it was nothing more than a waiting simulator like Farmville, (“Put your familiar at a dinner table! Your familiar will gain a pound in 20 minutes!”)the depth and interesting gameplay mechanics would be gone.