By John Walker on November 3rd, 2010 at 12:54 am.
After the excitement of last night’s Antiques Roadshow demo, I’ve got the adrenaline buzz. I need another fix. Something, anything! Oooh, Farming Simulator 2011. Can it be only a year since Farming Simulator 2009 wowed us all? (FS 2010 is mysteriously absent.) A nation was taken with farm machinery fever, as fields were ploughed, straw was baled, and memberships to UKIP were renewed. So it’s time to dust off your work boots, grab your tractor keys, and madly insist on endangering children with Daylight Saving Time, via the demo of this latest version.
Farmers don’t have the internet, right? Good, phew. This demo contains two missions from the full game, one involving harvesting corn, the other baling hay. Which is a bit of a shame, since one of the missions in last year’s demo had hay baling, and it’s hard not to compare it to the halcyon memories.
Both involve driving your tractor laboriously up and down a field, at a very, very slow pace, but one of them at least includes getting to poo out a hay bale every few seconds.
I have a new-found respect for farmers (that I’m somehow failing to apply here) after attempting to complete either mission. After four lengths of the cornfield I decided to see if tractors can swim. Tractors cannot swim.
Then I thought I’d try to drive over a fence onto the road, where my tractor, in season and out of control, attempted to mount one of the passing cars.
The result was a pile-up. A lot of drivers involved were apparently sealed into their cars with concrete.
Instead I switched to bale making, which kept me entertained for three poos, but then there simply being stuff on the horizon led to my charging off into the distance.
I tried a bit of off-roading, some hill climbing, and some car-tipping. With that done I was absolutely exhausted, so popped to the local for a half. And got stuck on a table.
A typical day on the farm.
03/11/2010 at 00:56 pakoito says:
I just got banned for a week from an MMO forum because I suggested that some of the korean players were moving to this game.
03/11/2010 at 00:58 pakoito says:
Also, I have a friend who’s the son of a farmer and has used tractors a lot and he says it’s not very accurate.
03/11/2010 at 06:39 Joshua says:
Simulator 2009 really wasn’t. The Tractor there handled like a car from Re-Volt.
03/11/2010 at 18:00 FatBird says:
Welcome to the pathetic world of political correctness. You are no longer allowed to make honest observations.
03/11/2010 at 00:58 WiPa says:
I lol’d many times.
03/11/2010 at 01:08 Davee says:
Indeed, so did I – many, many times!
18/11/2010 at 09:01 Out Reach says:
I lol’d so hard I woke my brother up… he looks pissed.
03/11/2010 at 01:04 Navagon says:
I was wondering if you were going to cover this game when I saw it pop up on Steam. I wasn’t disappointed. :D
03/11/2010 at 01:05 garrett says:
Simulating never felts so stimulating.
03/11/2010 at 01:10 jaheira says:
John is v. funny, as Bridget Jones would say.
03/11/2010 at 01:13 Gabe Kotick says:
“Does FS2011 have an item store? If so I’ll buy it.” < Actual quote from a TF2 player.
03/11/2010 at 01:17 LionsPhil says:
I like how apparently buying that drink put you into debt.
03/11/2010 at 01:51 Teronfel says:
WOW,this game is so great!!!!! I love it!
Always wanted to be a farmer:D
03/11/2010 at 02:03 Pew says:
I doubt that white car had a consensual mounting experience with your tractor :(
03/11/2010 at 02:05 Alaric says:
If there is an activity that is more boring that simulated farming, I should very much like to be alerted of it. In my later years I will partake in the said activity, thusly making my life last much longer, at least in my own perception.
03/11/2010 at 11:31 Xercies says:
Train Driving?
03/11/2010 at 02:07 DiamondDog says:
Pooing out hay bales? Is that typical farmer lingo?
03/11/2010 at 02:36 The Walker says:
@DiamondDog
As a goat farmer, I usually call it shit shoveling. What this game doesn’t simulate is the nostril-burning smell that permeates every article of clothing that you happen to have on after sweating your ass off and shoveling shit in a barn for two hours in humid 100 degree weather.
They should make a game that simulates the bruises and headaches that come with taking care of goats, who will do everything they can to destroy the infrastructure you build around them for the sake of their well-being. Try to feed em? They’ll headbutt you out of the way. Fence ‘em in? They’ll tear that shit down. Give ‘em a water bucket? They’ll shit in it and then knock it over. Give ‘em a tub to drink from? They’ll shit in that too, and then lie down in it when it’s empty and cover the bottom with the dirt and shit that’s caked onto their hooves. Milk ‘em? They’ll kick that bucket over too, and if you use a milking machine they’ll try to kick that off (possibly injuring themselves in the process). Give ‘em hay? They’ll drop half a bale a day on the ground, then shit, piss, and trample on it until it forms a half-foot-deep layer of rotting detritus. And if all that combined with fighting until their heads bleed gets ‘em sick they’ll get diarrhea and possibly shit on the milking stand/you.
So a word of advice: If you’re going to get dairy goats, go with Saanens over Nubians. Saanens are bigger, but Nubians tend to be angrier. Also, if you see a buck, stay away. They piss in their own beards when they’re in heat. No joke.
(On the upside, baby Nubians are the cutest little animals on the planet, and goat cheese is DELICIOUS.)
03/11/2010 at 02:55 DiamondDog says:
You know what, I appreciate the detailed and informative response. If I ever consider goat farming you can bet I’ll be sticking with Saanens. Although, goats don’t sound like very fulfilling animals to farm.
Plus, having spent most of my childhood out in the countryside, the smell of a shit covered barn is one I’m familiar with. Never had to shovel any, though.
03/11/2010 at 03:10 The Walker says:
They’re alright, really. Even I’m getting a little attached to them, but after the summer our farm had it feels good to vent a little.
03/11/2010 at 03:13 Nick says:
goats cheese is the best cheese ever.
03/11/2010 at 03:36 DeepSleeper says:
@TheWalker
What’s a nubian?
03/11/2010 at 04:15 The Walker says:
@DeepSleeper A Nubian is a dairy goat with big floppy ears. They look like . Kidding season (when they all have babies) looks like .
03/11/2010 at 04:16 The Walker says:
@The Walker I screwed up that HTML something fierce. Have some URLs.
http://imgur.com/fYgeY.jpg
http://imgur.com/igeTg.jpg
03/11/2010 at 07:02 Armyofnone says:
Rock Paper Shotgun: Now with 100% more enlightened discussions of goat farming and tractor pooping. Keep on keeping on, guys!
03/11/2010 at 07:43 Bozzley says:
@ DeepSleeper
I see what you did there.
03/11/2010 at 11:10 JB says:
@TheWalker – OMG those kids are devouring that…kid
http://imgur.com/igeTg.jpg
03/11/2010 at 03:18 skalpadda says:
“They piss in their own beards when they’re in heat.”
Don’t go giving John ideas.
04/11/2010 at 09:48 Dozer says:
But John doesn’t have a beard…
03/11/2010 at 03:29 ZIGS says:
Farming Simulator huh? Can you fuck sheep?
03/11/2010 at 04:14 Sardaukar says:
Wait for the Welsh DLC.
03/11/2010 at 04:26 Robomutt says:
As my dear Welsh friend says:
“That’s right love, we fuck ‘em, then you eat ‘em” :)
03/11/2010 at 09:19 clownst0pper says:
Oh god I laughed so much at that :) :)
03/11/2010 at 03:48 anduin1 says:
harvest moon > this
03/11/2010 at 10:25 DJ Phantoon says:
Right. Nothing will ever beat the Super Nintendo classic.
03/11/2010 at 11:36 Xercies says:
Tch the GBA version is so much better…
03/11/2010 at 05:27 Pace says:
John is still the best.
03/11/2010 at 05:56 BobsLawnService says:
So is this anything like Maxis’ Sim Farm?
Just about anything management/sim based can be fun if done right.
03/11/2010 at 07:59 bagga says:
Soon: FUN SIMULATOR 2012
03/11/2010 at 06:20 bill says:
Does it include going out at 3am in a truck with floodlights and shooting rabbits?
Or just using all your land to build houses and renting them out?
03/11/2010 at 07:04 Brumisator says:
Best screenshots ever.
03/11/2010 at 07:17 leeder_krenon says:
i expected a more serious take from the world’s foremost gaming site on this, the most important farming simulation release in years.
03/11/2010 at 08:15 Lilliput King says:
I have no problems with his opinion, just with how he expresses it.
Besides, track-tar is the correct Roman pronunciation.
03/11/2010 at 07:18 UncleLou says:
Very funny. :D
03/11/2010 at 07:36 Oozo says:
Ah, “Farming Simulator” – Switzerland’s prime game export!
(And yes, even though that’s nothing to be proud of per se, what with competition in this country being quasi non-existent: That game sells like crazy. The number of people interested in drowning tractors and pooing out hay bales is surprisingly high.)
03/11/2010 at 07:55 Kdansky says:
Switzerland? Hold it! That’s a German company!
And you guys should really go watch the trailer on steam. It has dramatic music and dramatic panning.
03/11/2010 at 08:17 Oozo says:
Technically, nope .
The publisher, Ascaron (the poor guys who have to take all the malice from people like John Walker), is German. The developer, though, is Giants Software – based in Zürich, Switzerland. (But it’s such a common misbelieve that I tend to think Giants Software prefer to keep it a secret, actually…)
And yes, EPIC trailer!
03/11/2010 at 10:27 DJ Phantoon says:
All I got out of that was that the Germans have invaded Switzerland.
WAIT, THE GERMANS HAVE INVADED SWITZERLAND!?
03/11/2010 at 10:44 Oozo says:
Because the Swiss army was busy invading Lichtenstein – BY MISTAKE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50dHXiKn-vg
03/11/2010 at 08:08 wm says:
That’s not a tractor, that’s a COMBINE HARVESTER. Some farmer you are.
03/11/2010 at 10:06 Tori says:
I played Half-Life 2, that ‘aint no Combine vehicle!
03/11/2010 at 15:06 Thermal Ions says:
Funniest comment here :)
03/11/2010 at 08:11 James says:
Thanks John, you’ve just brightened up an otherwise miserable day :)
03/11/2010 at 08:20 Mike says:
I like the speedboat in the background, as if the game wants to remind you that there are more fun things you could be doing.
03/11/2010 at 08:29 MrSafin says:
My grandfather was a farmer, but he had vines and some cows.
During the last vine gathering (how do you call it in english? Had to resort to WordReference.com) I learned how to drive tractors. It’s very cool.
03/11/2010 at 08:47 Bob Bobson says:
Gathering ripe crops is called “harvesting” in general. If I was doing it by hand I would call gathering vine fruit “picking grapes” but if I was using a machine it would be “harvesting grapes” or “harvesting vines”.
03/11/2010 at 09:21 TooNu says:
Ok well I watched the trailer 3 days ago and now I should also play the demo.
BTW Railworks 2 is out and you should all watch that trailer, it looks like fun.
03/11/2010 at 09:31 Jonathan says:
The second-to-last screenshot makes farming look awesome.
03/11/2010 at 10:02 Liquidated says:
Dunno what exactly that tractor is pulling in the front page picture, but when I saw it before reading the headline, I thought it was some new Minecraft project..
This is the Minecraft Dev Log Outlet isn’t it?
03/11/2010 at 10:10 Thelonious says:
At the risk of sounding like a certain disgruntled Norwich radio host, I doubt you’ll see many farmers in UKIP. They love their EU subsidies.
03/11/2010 at 11:34 jon_hill987 says:
Wrong. They are mostly pissed off about the fact that they all go to Spain. In Devon at least UKIP is popular with farmers.
03/11/2010 at 11:46 phuzz says:
I think the stereotype John should have gone for was the Countryside Alliance, although as far as I can tell they’re basically just a pro-hunting* group with nothing else constructive to say about the countryside.
(* note for ‘mericans, in this context that means hunting foxes with dogs)
03/11/2010 at 10:37 drewski says:
I’d actually buy a farm management simulator if it wasn’t a) mission based and b) based around the tedious bits like driving tractors.
Farm *Manager* 2011? Here my monies.
03/11/2010 at 12:00 Gaytard Fondue says:
It’s not mission based, the missions are just part of the tutorial. And you can hire slaves or chinese children to do all the driving, although that wouldn’t be much fun either, since the farm “managment” aspect is pretty much non-existent.
And don’t make me feel like retard because I know such things. It’s my job.
03/11/2010 at 11:19 Matthew says:
Surely there’s tie-in potential with the Yeo Valley rappers?
03/11/2010 at 12:02 Gaytard Fondue says:
And yeah, I like forgetting words like “a”…
03/11/2010 at 12:07 Skusey says:
While this is funny, Jim linked to The Wurzels in his 09 coverage. Jim wins.
03/11/2010 at 13:51 Lack_26 says:
Still waiting for ‘Call of Farming’ to either open it up to the main-stream community or be Farming crossed with the work of H.P. Lovecraft. I’d prefer the later,
I would suggest ‘Farming of Cthulhu’ but that sounds wrong if you mention ‘ploughing Cthulhu’.
03/11/2010 at 14:03 Brian Manahan says:
It’s a combine, not a tractor. Get it right.
03/11/2010 at 15:03 latterman says:
Fyi, those casual simulation games are some of the best selling in germany.
Apart from several farming simulators (this being the most popular) there are simulators for towing, demolitions, public transportation, gardening etc. etc.
go figure.
03/11/2010 at 15:05 Thermal Ions says:
“FS 2010 is mysteriously absent.”
Didn’t you hear? There was a simulated natural disaster which wiped crops out that year. They released Primary Producer Disaster Relief Simulator 2010. It comprised filling in multiple electronic forms with almost identical information, submitting them to a Government department, waiting 3 months (game time) to be advised they have been rejected because you didn’t type “Road” in full and they don’t have “xxx Rd” in their database. “Game Over. Do you wish to restart the level?”
03/11/2010 at 15:28 Pallustris says:
Please do not cover a game if you do not interest yourself in this type of game.
I’ve played the full version over 20 hrs now and I still find it entertaining.
03/11/2010 at 17:49 Jimbo says:
Did you grow a cows?
03/11/2010 at 16:08 Azazel says:
‘Farming Simulator 2011′ doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as ‘A Tractor’.
03/11/2010 at 17:48 Jimbo says:
Farmers don’t vote UKIP because EU subsidies. Everybody knows that.
03/11/2010 at 17:53 cs says:
The simulation would sell better if you could take a bath after a long day out in the fields.
What would be even better would be Soviet Tractor Simulator. Working all day in the collective farm. Getting an Order of Lenin and featured in your very own Socialist Realist poster if you meet your goals. Tractoring in Siberia if you fail.
03/11/2010 at 19:24 tribal whore says:
If you want your game to have any replay value you should always allow players to go off the beaten path. Always.
Far Cry 2, Dirt2 and this game would have been 2 million percent better if they would just let you do “stuff” when you got bored with the main game. (and maybe included a couple dozen over the top cheats (even if they’re buggy) )
Just Cause 2 realized this! Why nobody else?
03/11/2010 at 21:11 stone says:
Roflolzhaxx0rz! This is so TYPIcal John Walker. Not a bit surprised. Before I had read the first line, I was thinking “how many seconds before he goes banana with a tractor?”.
04/11/2010 at 18:50 Dozer says:
My goodness a spambot. This place is falling to pieces since Keiron left!
06/11/2010 at 00:15 Air Max says:
Totally realize what your stance in this issue. Although I’d disagree on some of the finer details, I believe you do an awesome job explaining it.
16/11/2010 at 23:28 Hans says:
when is the 1,4 patch cominh on steam ?..
18/11/2010 at 13:03 Luke Anderson says:
I totally agree that this is a lovely simulation game for farmers to gain some level of knowledge about farming. I would still say that trying the latest simulator from Mercedes-Benz is a wonderful way to understand how to drive your precious vehicle in difficult situations. It provides the test driver with different road conditions to practice on. I was really pleased to read about it on the CCM-News website. If you are interested to know more about it then view their video on http://clients.ccm-news.com/?client=Mercedes-Benz