NSFW: Sexy Adventures On Porn Island Demo

By John Walker on November 9th, 2010 at 3:35 pm.

Which means he's seen two game intros.

Oh dear, it’s times like this I miss having Kieron around. A new demo shows up for a game called Sexy Adventures On Porn Island, and a Kieron-shaped gap appears in the dungeons of Castle Shotgun. But what to do? Quintin’s too young to be allowed to play games like this. I’ll have to turn my delicate eyes toward it, and find out what manner of filthy excitement is on offer. Oh, it’s Tetris with fucking. Clearly this is not safe for work.

It’s all remarkably tacky, there’s no escaping that. Poorly drawn cartoon characters occupy an island filled with sets for porn films. The manner in which these movies are filmed is the traditional technique – lowering posed actors on top of one another from above, attempting to get their private parts and mouths to line up and tessellate. Once slotted together, their crude sex animations begin, and if the shagging takes place in columns lit by a film light, then they disappear off the bottom of the screen. You know, like in a porn film.

Oddly enough, the concept isn’t so bad. An interesting twist on Tetris would be a version where the pieces can overlap in specific ways, letting you improvise new ways to clear rows. And that’s exactly what this does. It’s just when they overlap you watch a man and a lady doing a sex. Or if you switch the option on in the menu, a man and a man doing a sex. (Women go down on women by default. This says something about something.) So, as much as I want to mock this, they’ve got quite a good game mechanic.

However, to restore cosmic balance, it’s all awfully presented. It’s clunky and awkward, with weak drawings, and any notion of titillation is lost. Not just because it’s all far too small and primitive to be able to be even vaguely interesting to look at, but more because the very purpose of the game is to get the bonking orgy mass to vanish as quickly as possible. Clearly this has never happened to me, but it’s the gaming equivalent of those 1990s endless waves of porn windows that would open faster than you could close them when your mum was walking toward the room. Also, and this is a personal thing, it does start to feel a little gross as you mangle so many people together.

The demo lets you briefly play at one of three areas for each of three locations, the pirate set, up-town set, and sci-fi set. They are themed, such that the descending stars are dressed appropriately. The sci-fi set even has aliens appear, but sadly that’s where the imagination appears to end – their genitals are located in the same place as the regular cast, which would seem an obvious twist.

In fact, much seems to lack imagination. You very quickly find yourself thinking (see how I use impersonal pronouns?), “Well *I* can see a way that this alignment would work.” However, there’s a few punning gags in here, a couple of references to Monkey Island, and it’s certainly not taking itself seriously.

And it’s called Sexy Adventures On Porn Island, and you’ve got to give it credit for that.

__________________

« | »

, , .

59 Comments »

  1. Harmen says:

    After watching http://vimeo.com/7088524 (“The Atomic Level of Porn”, a talk about low bandwidth-porn) I find this rather funny.

  2. MuscleHorse says:

    I’m holding on for Sexy Adventures on Porn Island GOTY Edition.

  3. Alaric says:

    I’m kinda surprised that the uptight, puritanical, “Halp! Witcher-game has boobies! I’m so traumatized!” RPS didn’t shoot fire from it’s eyes and condemn this game altogether in principle. :D

    • AndrewC says:

      RPS is going to have to clarify its position on boobies, with plenty of pictorial examples. It won’t convince the people who are quite tellingly angry about the whole Witcher thing, but at least we’ll have more boobies. Also: an article about willies.

      Please.

    • Demon Beaver says:

      The Witcher tries to be taken seriously and as such present a torture scene. Then it makes the tortured woman look amazingly attractive chained to that wall… so, to go for real torture, but trying to make it look arousing… I can see why that is problematic at least. You don’t have to be “puritanical” for that.
      A bit of humorous boobies in a tetris-clone doesn’t strike me as particularly harmful…

    • Lilliput King says:

      @Alaric

      Well, of course there wasn’t any of that. It wasn’t Alec reviewing it.

    • Rich says:

      Nothin’ wrong with boobies. It’s boobies that are used out of context, in such a way that it reduces the believability of a scene and consequently gives a sense, incorrectly, that the game developers are trivialising rape and torture, that leads to objection.

    • Pemptus says:

      Oh look, this discussion again. Go watch that Witcher 2 torture part again. Now riddle me this: is the pair of tits in that scene meant to get you to pop a boner? Or maybe add a bit of realism to a humiliation/torture scene?

    • DAdvocate says:

      @Rich In what way were the exposed breasts out of context? The torturer is about to apply a hot iron to the chest which is far from unusual in the middle ages. The problem is a cultural difference with anglo-saxons associating any exposure of the breasts as sexual. I’d recommend broadening your exposure to conteinental films.

    • Rich says:

      Ah, but I don’t mean the fact that there are breasts on display. The torturer intends to add as much humiliation to the pain as possible, and that’s fine as a context. It’s the supermodel pristine of those breasts and the fact that she doesn’t cover up as soon as freed that stops the scene being at all believable and genuinely emotionally engaging. That’s what RPS commented on to the developers. They were giving them creative advice on how to tell a story. Not demanding censorship.

      It just annoys me when questioning the artistic merit of nudity, you’re automatically labelled a censor-happy prude.
      “Cover up those table legs, mother, they’re inflaming my sexual ardour.”

    • Nick says:

      I’m surprised people who apparently can’t read or comprehend stuff are able to post comments.

    • TripleSpecks says:

      @Demon Beaver & Rich

      So what you really are saying is that only ugly women deserve to be tortured, clearly.
      Or that nudity has to be be intentionally uglyfied or carefully made unsexy so as to avoid any mistaken danger of arousal, because lord forbid what THAT might to our youth’s morals. Or artistic interpretations. Or whatever, really.

      Cue “leave her alone” youtube classic, but in defence of tits.

      Also, boo Alec Meer.

    • DAdvocate says:

      @Rich
      “It’s the supermodel pristine of those breasts and the fact that she doesn’t cover up as soon as freed that stops the scene being at all believable and genuinely emotionally engaging”
      I’d respectfully suggest you watch the video again, the instant her hands are unbound her arms drop to cover her chest and she immediately asks the witcher to turn around so that she can dress.

      As for “prude” label some applied, I believe that was a response to how Alec described the scene as “masturbation fodder” with “big, incongruously perfect, brazen breasts, gleaming like oiled whaleskin” etc which seemed like an over-reaction more appropriate to a hormone crazed teenager than an adult. I do not believe you or Alec to be a prude, but I do believe cultural expectations are strongly skewing your perspective on the incident.

    • Rich says:

      @DAdvocate: Fair enough. I think Alec was getting carried away with his wordsmithing there.

      @TripleSpecks: No, that’s not what I’m really saying. What I’m really saying is what I wrote. If you’ve misinterpreted it, that’s your problem.

    • Caleb367 says:

      @AndrewC:
      I actually read pectoral examples. This site sure ruins the innocent me. That tiny sad soon-to-be-suicidal part. That doesn’t yet know of rule34.

    • DJ Phantoon says:

      First of all, thank you Nixon. Say, Rich, are you gonna buy CODBLOPS so you can actually be Nixon? That’d be pretty badass. Secondly, the very fact that Alec can bring up that the tits are a point of discontention means it should be considered when he’s not joking. Remember these people write for a living. I’d hazard a guess to say Alex could probably write any of you under the table. (Literally. He will write about you being under the table.)

      Besides, does this sort of silliness need to be blatant to be seriously considered? Metroid Other M is a terrific example of how that sort of shit needs to be stopped at the door and reworked. Alec should not be getting lambasted by people who think tits are a great addition to any game. Well, I suppose he should. After all, you’re going to anyways. In fact, forget what I said. Continue to complain about his point without actually discussing the merit like an adult.

    • Zogtee says:

      I can’t believe you’re having this discussion (again) and you’re serious too.

      Jesus fucking christ.

  4. pWEN says:

    What, no horses?

  5. Lewie Procter says:

    I think you did an excellent job filling Kieron’s hole.

  6. stahlwerk says:

    They aren’t naked. Why aren’t they naked? Is it cold on porn island?

    • Rich says:

      Porn Island is actually just off the north-east coast of Scotland. It should be pronounced something like “Peern Island”.

      The only clue the picture gives, is the peanut smuggling the lass in the red two-piece is doing.

  7. I says:

    Demo was somewhat entertaining while it lasted. Enabling man-on-man is EZ mode though.
    The photo shoot adds a nice touch of awkwardness.

    • TripleSpecks says:

      “somewhat entertaining while it lasted. Enabling man-on-man is EZ mode ”

      Exactly like real life.

  8. Zanchito says:

    Don’t give this game to Alec, he’ll want to censor the tits. *chuckle*

    Ok, ok, that was low.

  9. Gothnak says:

    Can you do a ‘Human Centipede’ for triple points?

  10. futage says:

    I like fucking and I like tetris. Yet for some reason, when combined they lose their appeal.

    Much like chocolate and genocide.

  11. Handsome Dead says:

    This is decidedly unsexy.

  12. geldonyetich says:

    This gap you’re plugging may be less a gap and more a wound that should be allowed to heal. The Internet being porn, porn games aren’t all that noteworthy.

  13. Igor Hardy says:

    Tetris? I’ll rather wait for Kinky Island to get finished and released.

  14. vetoed says:

    Nope, I don’t understand this at all.

    We have this intertubes thing which is absolutely crammed full of porn, and also lots of pr0n. Everyone can find everything they could possibly want within minutes.

    Yet there are still people who think that there is a market for “sexy” games? Seriously, why? As an investment opportunity that’s about as good as selling DeLorean sports cars through the Amstrad E-mailer with Gerald Ratner doing the PR and Bernie Madoff doing the accounts, with a Hitler goatse as corporate mascot. You might as well burn the money and commit an obscene act with the ashes. At least there’ll be some web site that will pay good money for the pictures.

    • TripleSpecks says:

      There is STILL no properly done (inclduing moddable/skinnable etc pp) 3D sex / posing sim out yet at all.

      All we get is terrifyingly bad japanese efforts by Illusion and various others, that end up 2-10gb and look like back when Tomb Raider still had the clipping disease. And far worse efforts by the international community.

      We have extremely powerful machines and 3D engines and physics engines these days(plus bearably smart AIs to match), but we can’t seem to properly model a peen, a vagina and coital cooperation of the two.

      So much for science.

    • malkav11 says:

      There’s a market for sexy games. There just aren’t any games that are actually sexy unless you’re really goddamn desperate and have somehow missed the actual porn that’s all over the internet.

      A sexually oriented game that a) had visuals that were genuinely erotic rather than vaguely horrifying, b) had either actual gameplay or a reasonable amount of simulation and control over same, and c) didn’t cater specifically to creepy fetishes would be something I would certainly at least consider buying. Nobody’s made anything of the sort, however. At best, one might get a bit of a charge out of the handful of sexually oriented visual novels that aren’t super-creepy, if one is aroused by anime characters and prepared to slog through badly translated writing to get to the handful of naked pictures.

      (There are a few visual novels that both have a genuinely interesting plot, art and music and contain sexual content, but there’s usually enormous amounts of narrative before and between the few bits of sexual content in those, so it would be like watching a 26 episode TV series for a 5 minute explicit sex scene in episode 16.)

  15. Krimson says:

    That’s the second laziest reference to Monkey Island I’ve ever seen!

  16. Boris says:

    Random pipes, a toilet and a totem pole. I must clearly get this game.

  17. Clovis says:

    Looks like Archer.

  18. Joe W-A says:

    I totally played a game exactly like this ten years ago