Cargasm Is Actually A Thing

By John Walker on March 30th, 2011 at 4:14 pm.

It's like London ON YOUR SCREEEN.

We all react differently the first time we learn there’s a game called Cargasm. Jim’s reaction last August was to demand that Twitter come up with other ‘gasm names. Mine was to go into denial until there was video evidence. There is now video evidence.

It sounds absolutely delightful. One is encouraged during the races by your Cargasm Harem. Ahhhh, video games.

“During races, players will be constantly exhorted to go faster by a bevy of Cargasm Girls. If they are fast enough, players can collect these ravishing maidens for their own personal Cargasm Harem. As the players win races, new cars, Ecstasy points and trophies can also be unlocked and uploaded to an online global leaderboard.”

But surely it can’t get any more endearing? Wait!

“The trophies that can be won include Cargasm Rave, Thrust, Lesbos, Orgy, Gigolo, Lothario, Playboy and the most coveted of all, Cargasm Sultan.”

The pre-alpha PC footage that’s been released today could, one might cruelly point out, not quite live up to their promises last year of providing, “photorealistic real-world locations”, nor indeed the screenshots they’ve been releasing. But it’s pre-alpha, so who knows where it could go next. They have certainly yet to add in the harem.

I’d probably go a little easier on this if it didn’t keep saying it was “heralding the return of the classic arcade racer” in all its press releases. Or say of the iOS version, and I swear this is a direct quote,

“The central London levels in Cargasm are the most photorealistic in the history of videogames. Created using laser scanning, the buildings and monuments in the London levels are accurate to within inches. This level of accuracy means that every window, doorway, balcony and lamp post is exactly as it is in the real city.”

And here’s an accompanying iPhone screenshot for that:

London.

Maybe they’re joking? I can’t tell any more. To be reasonable, the PC version looks pretty shiny, in the screenshots at least.

Here’s the Egypt footage, which is perhaps surprising after the screens above:

, , , .

52 Comments »

  1. fallingmagpie says:

    That looks like a big bag of poo, tied up with a delightful misogyny bow. Is it 1993? I just don’t know any more.

    • Acorino says:

      Well, Duke Nukem is about to return, so I guess that means it’s time for some proper misogyny in videogames again!

    • Rond says:

      What a boring attitude. Tolerance, equal rights, no jokes, yay!

    • TillEulenspiegel says:

      I generally find that “jokes” should be funny.

      Jimmy Carr can make rape jokes because he’s hilarious and he makes a point of saying utterly absurd things that he clearly doesn’t believe. He’s tastefully tasteless, if that makes any sense. Inserting casual sexism/racism/etc into a game…well, not so funny.

    • Rond says:

      TillEulenspiegel
      I see. If a sexist joke isn’t up to your standards, it’s sexist in a bad way. By the way, Japanese used to make rape simulators, I don’t know what’d you call THEM if this game is sexist.

    • Chris D says:

      Believe it or not words can be used to describe something to a greater or lesser extent. The existence of something more sexist does not mean anything else is fine.

      For example: The galaxy is bigger, the atlantic is still big. The sun, is really hot but volcanoes are still hot. And when it comes to being a twat there’s Piers Morgan and then there’s you.

    • Daniel Rivas says:

      Misogynist, because they hate women. As far as I can tell, this game is simply sexist.

      And Chris’s comment stands.

    • pipman3000 says:

      @rond

      welp rape simulators exist so i guess this games no game can ever be called sexist ever again unless it somehow manages to top that. it’s just like how racism no longer exists because slavery..

  2. Daniel Rivas says:

    “a bevy of Cargasm Girls.”

    Well, now we know the collective noun for that. Informative.

  3. bigtoeohno says:

    “The trophies that can be won include Cargasm Rave, Thrust, Lesbos, Orgy, Gigolo, Lothario, Playboy and the most coveted of all, Cargasm Sultan.” uh oh its bulletstorm all over again.

  4. Navagon says:

    The footage reminds me of Turbocharge for the C64. Only without the other cars, obviously.

  5. DiamondDog says:

    Shit, he’s about to go around a corner. Quick, cut the video!

    • Shawnious says:

      I imagine it’s for fear of unprofessional crashing… The tarmac’s so shiny; looks like it was laid moments before he raced across it in spectato…. A first person, realistic driving perspective…

  6. The_Great_Skratsby says:

    So, Duke’s Automotive Racing PleasureStorm 2011.

    Whelp. Videoooo gaaaames.

  7. Premium User Badge Petethegoat says:

    Misogyny: there’s an app for that.

    • Tei says:

      well… probably is not the game intention. Lets wait and see.

    • Premium User Badge lurkalisk says:

      Misogyny… Why does no one seem familiar with the actual definition of that word?

  8. brian says:

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    I am in no way surprised Candella Software are behind this. Now i’m sure 99.999% of everyone has never heard of them, if you go to their website they list a load of titles i’m not entirely sure what they did on, they certainly weren’t the main developer of them, but it all looks very professional. The thing is, from what I can understand the entire company runs off offering incredibly bad ‘co-development’ deals with indie startups, they approached a company I set up a year or two ago about creating a racing game (not cargasm) that was expected to somehow (with no explanation as to how) gross in the millions of pounds. These deals literally consisted of no financial support, no actual development done by them bar a rough idea and a sketch of what they mean, in exchange for the startup doing all the development, testing, the vast majority of the design and so on.

    I believe they get people to sign up to this ridiculous idea because they look professional, when you see the website and the email letterheads and all that jazz it’s all very well done and there’s (incredibly inspecific) suggestion of future (actually paid) outsourcing contracts and that their considerable (again no evidence of this) industry contacts and so on will help advance the game heavily.

    My team and I were lucky enough to have a lot of people to talk to who warned us off even entertaining the idea, some other companies I talked to were not so lucky (I wonder if the actual development of this game is by one of those). Either way i’m not sure if validating them through RPS coverage is the best idea.

    • Navagon says:

      This reads like the topic of John Walker’s next Gaming Crusade.

    • Alphabet says:

      I would love a Cook Report style undercover investigation into this.

    • Dozer says:

      Yes. John, do what must be done!

      (shave/grow your beard as necessary so they won’t recognise you.)

  9. forddent says:

    Why would you even release footage that looks this bad? You could have kept hiding behind bullshots, guys!

  10. Fumarole says:

    Nothing can top Wargasm.

    • Azazel says:

      Yay Wargasm!

    • Quine says:

      Wargasm was an excellent game. Shame it had a name so bad people tended to pirate it to avoid having to speak it in actual shops.

  11. steggieav says:

    This looks awesomely bad. I’ll only consider buying it if the soundtrack is 70s porno music.

  12. Matt says:

    Why not just call it Spunk Racer 2011 and be done with it.

    Also re: the footage, this is why companies don’t release pre-alpha video.

  13. cocoleche says:

    Awww, c’mon, they already removed the viddler video. Can anyone share what I’m missing out on?

    EDIT: Mmkay suddenly it’s on again. hmm

  14. .backslash says:

    Oh my. Seems like the spiritual successor of 2002′s lost classic Hooters Road Trip .

  15. Ginger Yellow says:

    I think that iPhone screenshot features the worst car models I’ve seen on any platform in about 15 years.

  16. Oak says:

    Should add “Not Faking It” to the headline. Quickly, there’s still time!

  17. Lem says:

    It took a while for me to notice it but the first screenshot… changed from “Cars racing through narrow city streets” to “Abandoned Mercedes and Porsche block road, annoy local residents”.

  18. Jimbo says:

    Somebody should explain to them that their play on words doesn’t work at all.

  19. FecesOfDeath says:

    Love the screen shot of the invisible drivers.

  20. Premium User Badge Erlend M says:

    Smorgasm: The feeling you get when eating a really good open sandwich.

    Forget Cargasm, I want a game based on this instead!

    • Dozer says:

      Sandvich and me, gonna beat your ass…

      What’s that sandvich? Kill them all? Good idea!

      Baloney! Perfect fuel for killing tiny cowards!

      You’re a loose cannon, sandvich! But you are a damn good cop!

      Ahem. Yes.

  21. ZIGS says:

    This reminded me of a game I played a LONG time ago, Hot Chix “n” Gear Stix. It wasn’t very good

  22. Premium User Badge Rikard Peterson says:

    *sigh*

  23. kikito says:

    Lolgasm. Lulzgasm.

  24. Dozer says:

    Watched half the trailer before getting bored. The steering looks very granular. Like the car isn’t changing direction by altering the angle of the front wheels, but by setting off a small explosive charge on one side of the nose of the car, the force of which jolts the nose to the side in a series of tiny steps. Reminds me of DOS racing games from 1993.

  25. John P says:

    I like how a dominant thread in the comments is the sexism on show here, while the comments on RPS’ Bulletstorm articles were defending the sexism in that game. I guess it all depends on who it’s coming from, huh? Maybe if Fox News attacks this game, we’ll start mindlessly defending it too?

    • Premium User Badge Wisq says:

      Bulletstorm: Funny. Good gameplay. Strong female character. Sexism limited to being vaguely implied by the names of skillshots, and said skillshots are actually being applied to other men. No actual abuse of women.

      Cargasm: Not funny. Looks awful. No known characterisation. Sexism is directly depicted. Women collected like trophies.

      Yeah, pretty much the same thing. I totally see your point. Burn the hypocrites!

  26. Dhatz says:

    i think first NFS had better sense of color than this thing.

  27. Web Cole says:

    For a racing game those are some really, really straight roads. But then I suppose you can’t go very fast around corners…

  28. Skusey says:

    That iPhone screenshot looks very bad. And considering the iPhone can pump out games like Real Racing comfortably, it’s sickening ugly.

  29. 3lbFlax says:

    One might very well paraphrase Wm. Burroughs: “There is the pleasurable cargasm, like a rising sales graph, and there is the unpleasurable cargasm, slumping ominously like the Dow Jones in 1929.”