By John Walker on March 31st, 2011 at 12:57 pm.
As Britain’s leading expert on foot-to-ball, I find the irreverence of games like New Star Soccer 5 to be deeply offensive toward “the lovely game”. How can someone watch something as astounding, as gorgeous, as sexually profound, as last week’s round of foot-to-balling between the United Rovers and West Byfleet Consolidated not be moved to tears? New Star Games’ new trailer for their latest simulation contains slight hints of not taking this most important of matters nearly seriously enough.
Soccer, for those who haven’t heard of it, is an abbreviation of Socrates’ Prancer, the original name for what has now become known as Association Foot-to-ball. The aim of the game is to kick the “ball” at the other players’ “net”, hoping to score a point. The first team to three points wins, and gets through to the final on Tuesday.
You may have heard about soccer when it was brought to the headlines by the recent scuffle between fans of the team in red and the team in blue, in an extended argument over which team is better at the game. In the end it was decided that the blues were better, but the reds were very close and tried hard. As for when the next soccer will take place, no one currently knows, but keep an eye on RPS’s Sports pages for the latest.
In the meantime, have a look at the (utterly brilliant – Out Of Character Ed) trailer for New Star Soccer 5. It contains grass and goals.
31/03/2011 at 13:03 Jonathan says:
Are those blood stains on the pitch at 0:52? And if not, why not?
31/03/2011 at 13:05 Doesntmeananything says:
The game kicked-off quite well with this trailer.
31/03/2011 at 13:06 Sobric says:
+ FAME!
31/03/2011 at 13:06 DeanLearner says:
Yes..yes…yes..yes..YEEEESSS SS! That was a goal!
TWAT! That was liquid football!
31/03/2011 at 13:15 President Weasel says:
SHIT! did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine!
31/03/2011 at 13:15 DeanLearner says:
:D
31/03/2011 at 18:27 Novotny says:
Goal! AND ANOTHER!
31/03/2011 at 18:33 Carter says:
BOOF! Eat my goal! The Goalie has got football pie all over his shirt
31/03/2011 at 13:08 bigtoeohno says:
“The nineties call they want their ball back.” Does it work the other way? I called the nineties I want my fitness back.
31/03/2011 at 13:16 President Weasel says:
I hope you took the time to warn the 90′s about 9/11, and about the Japanese earthquake?
http://xkcd.com/875/
31/03/2011 at 13:27 bigtoeohno says:
Asshole
31/03/2011 at 13:09 AndrewC says:
Oh dear. Oh dear. The cameras look like ladies giving blowjobs to the camera men. Oh dear.
31/03/2011 at 15:11 Hmm-Hmm. says:
Got something on your mind, eh?
31/03/2011 at 13:11 Anarki says:
That trailer really hit the back of the net
31/03/2011 at 13:40 Pani says:
You’re really on the ball with that pun today.
31/03/2011 at 14:58 Ian says:
Goalden punnage.
31/03/2011 at 13:28 Mr_Hands says:
Drunken soccer is the only soccer I know.
31/03/2011 at 13:33 Man Raised by Puffins says:
And what a game it was.
31/03/2011 at 13:36 Navagon says:
If nothing else this does remind me of how much we need a proper Speedball 2 remake.
31/03/2011 at 13:50 Farsearcher says:
We really really do. More games need a robot team.
31/03/2011 at 13:55 Navagon says:
With R2D2 on the team!
31/03/2011 at 13:40 Giant, fussy whingebag says:
But how could they have possibly accounted for the complexity of the off-side rule within an International Business Machines-compatible Personal Microcomputer?
31/03/2011 at 13:56 HopperUK says:
I’m afraid I couldn’t understand this post because I am a girl.
31/03/2011 at 13:48 Brumisator says:
All jokes aside…this looks like a terrible game. “LOL U CAN DRINK AND BALL” is all I see here…
If I want good pixellated foot-to-ball, I’ll play sensible soccer.
31/03/2011 at 14:14 terry says:
I fully endorse this product or service. I’ve been playing the series since 3 and they consistently improve.
31/03/2011 at 14:15 Teronfel says:
Yeah ok,gambling and booze are ok,but what about hookers,will we have hookers,i want hookers
31/03/2011 at 14:48 McDan says:
Once hookers are included we will truly have reached the pinnacle of all games. Which is why they can’t make it.
31/03/2011 at 15:31 BAReFOOt says:
Let me be the first to say: Duke Nukem crossover? :D
31/03/2011 at 14:40 MadTinkerer says:
Oh boy, it looks like they made this game with proper VGA graphics and everything! No more crappy EGA palette for my Foot to Ball games!
31/03/2011 at 16:33 dan. says:
The alt text made me laugh more than it should have.
31/03/2011 at 16:43 Temple to Tei says:
Comments on Tom’s Football Manger thread for another lesser website:
“Its a stupid game. I captured all four flags and got kicked out.”
“my team assassinated the enemy VIP, and were unfortunately also kicked out”
“Shocking display. Not only have they released it with only one map, theyve paid no attention to balancing. In campaign mode, four of the races are vastly overpowered. “
31/03/2011 at 17:09 Mr Bismarck says:
I played from burgeoning youth to crippled retiree in NSSIII and retired with somewhere around 14,000 hang gliders. Not counting the several hundred I bought for my girlfriend. To woo her.
I will not purchase this game if it does not have hang gliders.
31/03/2011 at 17:22 PleasingFungus says:
Misread that as “grass and goats” initially. Now I’m just kind of sad.
31/03/2011 at 18:11 dogsolitude_uk says:
Not only do West Byfleet have one of the top Foot-to-ball teams in the world, they also have a large branch of Waitrose that I used to work in, and that pub opposite the station I used to go to: the Claremont.
Truly it is the cutting edge of the cutting edge, and I’m proud to have once lived there.
31/03/2011 at 19:05 Om says:
If I can’t re-enact stories like this (http://www.dnaindia.com/sport/report_gerald-asamoah-s-wife-in-catfight-with-two-women-he-brought-back-to-apartment_1523898) then I’m not buying this game. And yes, the story is exactly what the link suggests
On a slightly more serious note, why should I buy this instead of playing SWOS on an emulator? Is it worth my hard earned cash?
31/03/2011 at 19:06 sidhellfire says:
I miss only a multiplayer in this. Since Netsoccer got abandoned, there’s no real, good arcade football game.
31/03/2011 at 20:59 Gaytard Fondue says:
While I enjoy foot-to-ball, I’ll have to admit that I prefer foot-the-ball. Blasphemy, I know.
31/03/2011 at 21:09 Faldrath says:
For the people asking “why not just play Sensible Soccer”: while New Star Soccer’s gameplay is indeed fairly similar to SS, it’s actually a football RPG. You can play exhibition matches controlling a whole team, but in the career mode you only control one player, developing his skills through training, managing contracts, media relationship, also off-game stuff like family and friends, buying things with the money you make, etc.
01/04/2011 at 14:17 Mr Bismarck says:
buying things with the money you make
Things like hang gliders.