By Alec Meer on June 8th, 2011 at 2:59 pm.
EMBARGOED UNTIL 6PM, 9 JUNE 2011
Los Angeles, The Colonies, 8 June 2011
Chokehold Entertainment Technology Ltd today announces its latest gaming system, the PC 2.
The successor to the wildly popular Personal Computer revolutionises videogaming, thanks to intensely intense graphics, visceral audio and market-leading suppression of player freedom and creative expression.
“For years, PC gamers have complained about being able to tailor their system and their games however they damn well pleased,” boasted Chokehold CEO Ian McProfits. “At last, PC 2 ensures they only get to play the games we violently market directly to their brains, in only the manner that we think they should play them.
“No more free-form discovery and creation which results in wonderful, highly personal anecdotes to tell your friends – instead, the accessible ease of being awarded a tiny in-game badge and a slightly increased number whenever you perform one of the 314 officially-approved in-game actions.”
As well as mind-blowing 14xHD graphics and RealHearTM musicability, PC 2 introduces a brand new controller that will revolutionise videogames forever. SureControlTM makes games accessible for everyone: from the youngest child to the oldest, most malodorous geriatric and everything in between. Simple but powerful touch-based controls put you in the heart of the action at all times, with no possibility of error:
“I thought I was amazing at repeatedly shooting virtual men in the face again and again back when I did the same thing every single day on my disgusting old PC 1”, bellowed famed pro-gamer K1LLTal1ty38, “but with PC 2 and SureControlTM I never miss a shot! I don’t even have to take a shot, in fact – I just watch a pre-rendered scene of EYE-MELTING ACTION that I had nothing to do with but somehow feel proud of.”
Worried about complex button combinations? Not any more! Simply looking at SureControlTM activates its amazing, true-to-life responsiveness, ensuring you have complete mastery of when you’re going to watch whatever it is that has been scripted to happen next.
PC 2 also addresses many gamers’ complaints of having too much choice and being fatally afraid to take any sort of risk, by only releasing games based on established brands. Confirmed for launch are Pepsi Hero, Scowling Man With A Gun IV, Cartoon Plumber In Contrived Sports-Based Situation 2012 and Call of Duty: The Goddamn Foreigners Are At It Again.
A special FunChannelTM will be dedicated to wild and crazy alternative games from ‘indie’ developers who have agreed to deposit their testicles in a cryogenic lockbox stored deep beneath Chokehold’s headquarters. Due before the end of 2012 are “A Game About Jumping, Like In The Past”, “A Game About Shooting Spaceships, Like In The Past” and “A Game About Two Men Fighting, Like In The Past.”
The magical PC 2 is due to launch before the end of 2011, at an affordable price of just $999 and whatever last, desperate dregs of imagination you have left to you.