By Alec Meer on June 8th, 2011 at 2:59 pm.
EMBARGOED UNTIL 6PM, 9 JUNE 2011
Los Angeles, The Colonies, 8 June 2011
Chokehold Entertainment Technology Ltd today announces its latest gaming system, the PC 2.
The successor to the wildly popular Personal Computer revolutionises videogaming, thanks to intensely intense graphics, visceral audio and market-leading suppression of player freedom and creative expression.
“For years, PC gamers have complained about being able to tailor their system and their games however they damn well pleased,” boasted Chokehold CEO Ian McProfits. “At last, PC 2 ensures they only get to play the games we violently market directly to their brains, in only the manner that we think they should play them.
“No more free-form discovery and creation which results in wonderful, highly personal anecdotes to tell your friends – instead, the accessible ease of being awarded a tiny in-game badge and a slightly increased number whenever you perform one of the 314 officially-approved in-game actions.”
As well as mind-blowing 14xHD graphics and RealHearTM musicability, PC 2 introduces a brand new controller that will revolutionise videogames forever. SureControlTM makes games accessible for everyone: from the youngest child to the oldest, most malodorous geriatric and everything in between. Simple but powerful touch-based controls put you in the heart of the action at all times, with no possibility of error:
“I thought I was amazing at repeatedly shooting virtual men in the face again and again back when I did the same thing every single day on my disgusting old PC 1”, bellowed famed pro-gamer K1LLTal1ty38, “but with PC 2 and SureControlTM I never miss a shot! I don’t even have to take a shot, in fact – I just watch a pre-rendered scene of EYE-MELTING ACTION that I had nothing to do with but somehow feel proud of.”
Worried about complex button combinations? Not any more! Simply looking at SureControlTM activates its amazing, true-to-life responsiveness, ensuring you have complete mastery of when you’re going to watch whatever it is that has been scripted to happen next.
PC 2 also addresses many gamers’ complaints of having too much choice and being fatally afraid to take any sort of risk, by only releasing games based on established brands. Confirmed for launch are Pepsi Hero, Scowling Man With A Gun IV, Cartoon Plumber In Contrived Sports-Based Situation 2012 and Call of Duty: The Goddamn Foreigners Are At It Again.
A special FunChannelTM will be dedicated to wild and crazy alternative games from ‘indie’ developers who have agreed to deposit their testicles in a cryogenic lockbox stored deep beneath Chokehold’s headquarters. Due before the end of 2012 are “A Game About Jumping, Like In The Past”, “A Game About Shooting Spaceships, Like In The Past” and “A Game About Two Men Fighting, Like In The Past.”
The magical PC 2 is due to launch before the end of 2011, at an affordable price of just $999 and whatever last, desperate dregs of imagination you have left to you.
08/06/2011 at 15:01 Bodminzer says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxAKFlpdcfc
08/06/2011 at 16:00 Man Raised by Puffins says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhTiJEYqqY8#t=7s
08/06/2011 at 15:01 Chris Evans says:
*applauds*
09/06/2011 at 07:06 Yosharian says:
*also applauds*
08/06/2011 at 15:02 Valvarexart says:
Looks like they stole the “x” button design!
08/06/2011 at 20:18 McDan says:
Microsoft are so going to sue them for that! This was brilliant anyway.
08/06/2011 at 15:02 pakoito says:
Gold.
08/06/2011 at 15:05 ran93r says:
“Cartoon Plumber In Contrived Sports-Based Situation 2012″
I may have almost choked on my Pepsi
08/06/2011 at 15:27 4026 says:
Aye, that probably wins funniest joke, narrowly beating “Ian McProfits”.
08/06/2011 at 16:01 BAshment says:
Drink a real drink.
08/06/2011 at 18:58 Fumarole says:
Yeah, like Tab.
09/06/2011 at 01:02 Dozer says:
Call of Duty: Those Goddamn Foreigners Are At It Again had me choking on spittle.
08/06/2011 at 15:06 James Allen says:
I’m glad someone has stepped in and determined which games I am allowed to play on my PC. All of those choices with original indie games hurt my brain.
08/06/2011 at 15:06 simoroth says:
This would be hilarious if it weren’t so depressingly true. To be honest I’m starting to think this was a good week for me to quit the industry.
08/06/2011 at 15:25 Sassenach says:
Sorry for being slow, but this is referencing something specific? I havn’t been paying much attention to E3.
08/06/2011 at 15:06 Tori says:
How much for a second controller for co-op? Because that one looks very hi-tech and expensive.
08/06/2011 at 15:53 Oozo says:
Controllers won’t be sold separately. For coop, the second player can just look at the screen from the BACKSEAT.
08/06/2011 at 20:00 Tatourmi says:
Dude, who still plays splitscreen? I mean, helloooo? Twenty first century rings a bell?
08/06/2011 at 15:08 KauhuK says:
I cant afford such things. I’ll stick with my good old companion computer.
08/06/2011 at 18:57 ResonanceCascade says:
Really? Sure, the PC2 itself is a bit pricey, but I thought the $128 per month PC2Live cost was quite competitive.
08/06/2011 at 20:02 Tatourmi says:
I only wish it included DLC though.
08/06/2011 at 20:10 Pointless Puppies says:
@ResonanceCascade:
I know. It’s VERY cheap when you think about it. $128 per month might sound like a lot, but if you arbitrarily divide the cost by day it’s really only $4.30, which isn’t anything to scoff at. If we further break it down for no reason other than to nonsensically downplay the cost, it’s only 18 cents per hour! What kind of cheapskate moron can’t afford 18 cents per hour? Douchebags, that’s who. I mean, in my multitude of meatheaded broski outings with my dudebro friends we EASILY rack up a bar tab of $150 per night (that’s not even including the hooker), so by comparison just 18 cents for an entire hour (remember, that’s SIXTY minutes!) is nothing!
08/06/2011 at 15:08 Springy says:
Waitjustasec. I have to actually, physically press a button to watch cutscenes? What century are these people from? Where’s my voice recognition? This is far too complex.
08/06/2011 at 15:15 abremms says:
i heard that they are working on a special bit of hardware that will be able to see you and play the cutscene upon recognizing your “vacant, cow-eyed gaze”.
i think they are shooting for christmas 2012, if they can get the technology right.
08/06/2011 at 15:32 Berzee says:
You have to use your hands? That’s a baby’s toy.
08/06/2011 at 15:50 kikito says:
Yeah, I’m pretty sad I can’t be the controller myself.
I WANT TO BE THE CONTROLLER.
NAO.
08/06/2011 at 17:06 ZamFear says:
@Springy et al:
Read the article guys! You don’t actually have to push the button!
“Simply looking at SureControlTM activates its amazing, true-to-life responsiveness”
Truly, the future is upon us!
08/06/2011 at 17:51 GameOverMan says:
Springy, they have announced an advanced voice recognition controller especially tailored for the First Person Shooters that will appear on the platform. Instead of pressing a button you only have to say “boooring” every time you want to shoot an enemy in the face.
08/06/2011 at 19:00 Fumarole says:
Well done.
08/06/2011 at 19:47 Renzatic says:
Kikito said:
Yeah, I’m pretty sad I can’t be the controller myself.
I WANT TO BE THE CONTROLLER.
NAO.
For some reason, the first thought that popped in my head after reading this was some guy smacking himself against a wall over and over, going “I’M WINNING! I’M WINNING! I’M BEATING THE GAME”.
…is there something wrong with me?
08/06/2011 at 15:09 Daiv says:
Reminds me of a Dilbert strip.
“This computer is so easy to use, it only has one button – and we press it before it leaves the factory.”
08/06/2011 at 18:25 Phydaux says:
http://dilbert.com/fast/1995-03-25/
08/06/2011 at 15:09 xcession says:
I believe that controller has a shoulder button that screams racist obscenities in caps across the global chat.
08/06/2011 at 15:48 Meat Circus says:
Can I upgrade it with the $200 LOL FAG option?
08/06/2011 at 16:02 Ian says:
Sadly you can only get the packs individually if you get pre-order access to the pre-alpha test version of the thing, otherwise you have to buy the entire ‘L33T SPK LOLZ’ pack for considerably more.
08/06/2011 at 15:10 saladin says:
I read rumours it’ll ship with an “app store” where users can trade cash for PCPOINTS which can be redeemed for access to premium features, like web browsers on a pay-2-play basis.
08/06/2011 at 15:33 YeOldeSnake says:
Or , pay per website , or even pay to be able to pay to play.
Shit , d’aww microsoft beat us to it
08/06/2011 at 20:13 Pointless Puppies says:
Dude, did you hear? PC 2 is getting Youtube support! FUCKING YOUTUBE! It’s that website we can access on our phones and oldfag PC 1 computers for free, but now with a interface with enormous buttons and a huge font. It totally makes the $128 yearly PCLive subscription worth it!
09/06/2011 at 12:44 Brutal Deluxe says:
Premium features… like trailers?
08/06/2011 at 15:10 Joe Duck says:
And yet, and yet, it is interesting that… oh fuck it, you are 100% right on this.
08/06/2011 at 15:11 Tom OBedlam says:
“Call of Duty: The Goddamn Foreigners Are At It Again”
priceless
09/06/2011 at 14:43 Jhoosier says:
God, I love RPS!
08/06/2011 at 15:12 noom says:
I do love it when Alec gets angry :D
08/06/2011 at 15:51 Meat Circus says:
It’s the sane response to anyone who watched Microsoft’s unbelievably wretched presser.
I mean, Microsoft have always been dreary, unimaginative, life-starving, stultifying force of absolutely inevitable emptiness, but it was BAD even for them.
Console gaming is dead, and Microsoft’s E3 press conference killed it.
08/06/2011 at 16:36 oceanclub says:
I managed to miss most of the E3 coverage; how exactly was MS’s so bad, even for them? (Point me at an RPS article if they discuss this.)
P.
08/06/2011 at 17:25 Lars Westergren says:
It was basically revolving around the Kinect, which made those emotionally invested in the Xbox system but not willing to embrace said peripheral somewhat distraught.
For demonstrations of this I recommend going to Reddit’s r/gaming forums and browsing the archives for the last 24 hours or so.
08/06/2011 at 17:33 stupid_mcgee says:
@ oceanclub: While not an RPS article, here’s a PCGamer article that sums it up pretty well.
http://www.pcgamer.com/2011/06/06/e3-2011-the-microsoft-conference-your-reactions/
I missed the live stream, but watched it later, and it really is pretty horrible.
The problem is, MS just can’t leave things well enough alone. It’s this constant “hey, let’s tinker with it and make it better!” attitude that actually just screws everything up. Sometimes, things are best left the way they are. There was nothing horribly wrong with the 360 and the game industry, then MS decided to capitalize on Nintendo’s gimmicky motion control phenomenon (which, it seems, is currently petering out and quickly dying). Thing is, Nintendo was the only developer to get the motion stuff down (even 3rd party games on the Wii were horrible) and, even then, most of the games were pretty damn lackluster and aimed at very young children (8 year olds and the like).
The XBox came out, much like the Playstation, as a console for gamers. Games for gamers. Typically hitting the 16-24 year old demographic. Now, I don’t know where they’re going, and I don’t think MS knows either. It reminds me of when you get big-box stores that start to expand way too much and way too far. Best Buy had to restructure and cut a lot of the fluff that wasn’t really their core focus and making them lose money (notably: appliances (washer, dryer, vacuums, etc)). While MS is off finding fun new ways to haphazardly and poorly implement features of their competitors, they repeatedly miss the opportunity to actually innovate. Who want s a bunch of Wii features on their 360, especially when the features are so half-assed and poorly done?
Don’t get me wrong, there’s certainly a few things MS could stand to copy from their competitors. (seriously, you’re just NOW adding a goddamn browser to the 360?) But when you try to make copying everyone else’s features your main focus, you lose vision on what actually works for your platform, and wind up with a complete mishmash of broken and poorly implemented features.
For a great example, see The Homer.
08/06/2011 at 15:13 Lars Westergren says:
Mass Effect 3 sounds like the perfect launch title for the PC 2 – it’s so accessible AND it has a scowling man with a gun. I can’t wait!
09/06/2011 at 01:31 Bret says:
Scowling man?
The main cast seems to be two ladyfolk types, a blue alien chick, and several lizard dudes.
I must have missed an announcement!
09/06/2011 at 02:10 DrazharLn says:
http://fyeahhipstereffect.tumblr.com/post/3667061604
08/06/2011 at 15:13 bwion says:
A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past will be better.
08/06/2011 at 15:19 abremms says:
“A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past” will be the PC2′s killer app. worth all 99999 pennies. that is many pennies.
08/06/2011 at 15:27 westyfield says:
The developers of A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past are today pleased to announce A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past: Collector’s Edition! This limited stock collector’s edition costs 199,998 pennies and comes with the exclusive DLC entitled ‘The Soundtrack’! Simply play A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past: Collector’s Edition and at pre-determined moments music can be heard in the background.
Order now to ensure you receive a copy of A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past: Collector’s Edition, winner of an ‘A Game Of The Year’ award for 2011!
08/06/2011 at 18:59 Jason Moyer says:
I’ve heard that for just 31337 ChemSoft points, you can buy the Tolkien’s Secret Lingerie Shop addon which increases the lustfulness of the PG-13 dry humping scenes.
08/06/2011 at 15:15 20thCB says:
Pfft no motion control or 3D
08/06/2011 at 15:15 BooleanBob says:
But will it have zombies and chiptunes and pixel art and microtransactions?
08/06/2011 at 15:16 jon_hill987 says:
I take it “Need for Speed: The Run” has been confirmed for the PC2.
08/06/2011 at 15:32 YeOldeSnake says:
I lolled , indeed the so exciting out of car experiences are nothing more than quicktime events.
09/06/2011 at 12:48 Brutal Deluxe says:
Indeed, I was able to write this message using one long quick time event
08/06/2011 at 15:16 DevilSShadoW says:
this is truly your magnum opus
brain meltingly technical
you really managed to convey the system’s importance for the future of PC gaming!
08/06/2011 at 15:18 Leman says:
Those consoles mmmm!
Hang let me slap myself on the back even harder.
08/06/2011 at 15:20 The Sombrero Kid says:
it’s depressing how it’s come to this, the games industry needs cpr. :(
08/06/2011 at 15:21 PFlute says:
Oh, I laughed. You have won my laughter this day.
But make no mistake! There is also a scowl. For you. Mr. Meer.
08/06/2011 at 15:21 westyfield says:
Still not as good as the PS2.
AND NO CONSOLE EVER WILL BE.
08/06/2011 at 15:21 Cinnamon says:
Great news fort me since I hate having any choice and most of all I hate playing games but buttons are so last gen. Ewww, button, why don’t you push the button on your housebrick sized mobile phone instead grandpa. It’s all about advanced spewtum detection and 3d retching sensors in the next gen.
08/06/2011 at 15:22 Smannesman says:
I can tell this is supposed to be funny, unfortunately it does nothing for me.
It’s like a beautiful woman on a slab in the morgue, I can tell she’s beatiful.. but it just doesn’t do anything for me.
Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with the fact that this website isn’t just for me.
Edit: My gravatar thingy works, yay.
08/06/2011 at 15:24 Alec Meer says:
BEST COMMENT EVER
08/06/2011 at 15:25 Magnetude says:
“Gravatar”. You’re barely a man.
08/06/2011 at 15:34 Berzee says:
It can be tough when you find out a website isn’t for you. Maybe someday you’ll find another website. Don’t give up.
P.S. What if instead of a beautiful woman it is a scary-looking man with grey skin and dreadlocks and TATTOO SPOILERS on his back?
08/06/2011 at 15:42 Okami says:
I like beautiful dead women – they’re far better than the ugly ones.
08/06/2011 at 16:10 Man Raised by Puffins says:
It’s okay, man. I’m sure you’ll find a dead chipmunk of your own one day.
*strokes Mr Fluffles*
08/06/2011 at 16:19 Teddy Leach says:
Dead women can’t say ‘no’.
08/06/2011 at 16:23 gorgol says:
Smannesman’s must be one of the oddest comments I’ve ever read on RPS. Not sure if serious.
09/06/2011 at 00:45 Muzman says:
Is he saying RPS is dead to him, or like a woman?
09/06/2011 at 06:05 enobayram says:
Why do you think he says this website isn’t for him? He just says it’s also for others (who might enjoy this article)
09/06/2011 at 13:12 Dances to Podcasts says:
Posting on RPS is like making love to a dead woman. You probably won’t get a response, but if you do you know it’ll be, like, WOAH!
08/06/2011 at 15:25 jonfitt says:
When can I re-order and being queuing? I AM SO EXCITED!
08/06/2011 at 15:27 Nallen says:
Sounds like a good idea now, but what about when all the Xbox owners are up in arms about their shooters being “dumbed down for PC 2″???
;) I love this site soooo much
08/06/2011 at 15:27 Flobulon says:
Anyone know how many polygons per krundle this thing is capable of?
08/06/2011 at 15:29 westyfield says:
Eleventy HD ppk.
08/06/2011 at 18:22 GameOverMan says:
It’s over 9000!!!
09/06/2011 at 01:06 lurkalisk says:
Not sure, but I know it’s got a 10 meg pipe.
09/06/2011 at 01:12 Nick says:
it should help you get the top score in all the MMOs.
08/06/2011 at 15:29 Namos says:
At first I read that as “Cuckold Entertainment”… bizarre, I know, but kinda fitting in an odd way.
08/06/2011 at 15:30 John P says:
Incisive, accurate and excellent.
And excellent.
08/06/2011 at 15:36 mondomau says:
That’s what she…hhnngg…
Sorry, sorry. I’m OK now.
08/06/2011 at 15:31 YeOldeSnake says:
This article has a lot of truth in it , respect to Alec.
08/06/2011 at 15:33 arienette says:
That’s a pre-order!
08/06/2011 at 15:35 Joe Duck says:
“A special FunChannelTM will be dedicated to wild and crazy alternative games from ‘indie’ developers who have agreed to deposit their testicles in a cryogenic lockbox stored deep beneath Chokehold’s headquarters”
Very interesting, I have had exactly the same thoughts about PC2 Arcade and other “indie environments” for a while (and been annoyed at the publicity they get instead of indies on PC).
But it is the first time I see someone voicing this concern. Maybe I just did not realise?
Anyway, it is a very, very annoying subject, Indie developers are the equivalent of “small” and “cheap” for PC2 platforms owners and their friends. Not “innovative” or “game changing”, that would be… complicated.
08/06/2011 at 15:52 Maykael says:
Yeah, I still am bewildered why do independent developers still go Xbox 360 or PS 3 exclusive when the audience that is the most open to their creations is on the PC. Super Meat Boy was ultra hyped, was a timed X360 exclusive and still sold more on the PC.
Also on console you have to behave content-wise. Something insane like Beautiful Escape would never get published on any of those platforms…
08/06/2011 at 16:28 Meat Circus says:
Cash, dear. Cold, hard cash.
08/06/2011 at 15:36 Diziet Sma says:
Hahahaha! *claps*
08/06/2011 at 15:36 konrad_ha says:
Oh dear, “K1LLTal1ty38″ really sent me over the edge, tears are still rolling down my cheeks.
08/06/2011 at 18:36 GameOverMan says:
Stay tuned for his line of PC 2 products. Well, there will be only 3 of them, and they will be identical to the ones shipped with the machine, since it’s a closed platform, but when you press the single button on a K1LLTal1ty38′s controller you’ll feel like a true pro gamer.
08/06/2011 at 15:41 Drake Sigar says:
I’ll take ten.
08/06/2011 at 18:38 GameOverMan says:
I’d buy that for a dollar.
08/06/2011 at 15:44 Anthile says:
x
08/06/2011 at 15:47 westyfield says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRkLdBw4FxQ
08/06/2011 at 15:50 HermitUK says:
“Press X to buy next cutscene”, surely? Micro transactions are THE FUTURE! And THE FUTURE is here now! In micro transaction form!
FUTURE!
08/06/2011 at 15:50 Betamax says:
I see what you did there.
08/06/2011 at 15:52 Limey says:
Finally, something to appease the hardcore crowd!
I was getting so sick of other platforms taking my beloved lines and streaming them into one huge pile. This is going to add a lot of old-fashioned complexity.
08/06/2011 at 15:52 Pobblepop says:
Rapier satirical wit sir.
08/06/2011 at 15:52 Urthman says:
Goddamn foreigners are at it again, making fun of our manly American XBoxes, trying to pollute the purity and essence of our natural…fluids.
08/06/2011 at 16:46 tawa says:
We must not allow a satire gap!
08/06/2011 at 15:54 thatman says:
I must admit I am very excited for this.
08/06/2011 at 15:55 Maykael says:
Everything you wanted to say with this excellent satire is correct. I have rarely agreed with anything so completely. Thanks, Alec, you made my day!
08/06/2011 at 15:58 Nero says:
I’ll buy three and a half!
08/06/2011 at 16:00 tjricardo089 says:
oh noo! please tell me this is some bad joke!
08/06/2011 at 16:07 Teddy Leach says:
Yes, but will it be cross-compatible with the WEEOO?
08/06/2011 at 16:12 Gar says:
Well done! Reading this masterpiece forced one of those awkward, literal lulz at work when everyone else is buzzing around me all being busy. Alec Meer wins yet again
08/06/2011 at 16:13 Stochastic says:
Alec Meer, I salute thee.
08/06/2011 at 16:14 Mr.Crack says:
Wait, I’m expected to both start AND watch the cutscene? Typical elitist PC 2 bull****
I’m by no means a “casual” gamer but I do have a life, y’know.
08/06/2011 at 16:15 tjricardo089 says:
Is this true or is just a joke?
08/06/2011 at 16:20 gorgol says:
Lol the fact you had to ask that is slightly disturbing..
08/06/2011 at 16:20 Teddy Leach says:
…
08/06/2011 at 16:22 tjricardo089 says:
fake right?
08/06/2011 at 16:24 gorgol says:
Right. Lol.
08/06/2011 at 16:34 skinlo says:
Its 100% true of course.
08/06/2011 at 17:11 Stochastic says:
http://www.sarcasmdetector.com/
08/06/2011 at 16:18 gorgol says:
Rofl, I was worried for a second.
08/06/2011 at 16:21 0p8 says:
poop
08/06/2011 at 16:22 Reddin says:
Of course, just as I have bought the original PC :(
08/06/2011 at 19:24 abremms says:
OBSOLETED.
08/06/2011 at 16:23 7rigger says:
Well it’s all jokes and made for the humour, but I found this article disappointing. One of the things I like about RPS is the way the writer’s ignore the “PC Master Race!!1″ elitism, and it’s disapointing to see it here.
Can’t we just like ALL games, for ALL formats and have fun?
08/06/2011 at 16:23 gorgol says:
No.
08/06/2011 at 16:27 skinlo says:
http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Taking-Life-Too-Seriously
08/06/2011 at 16:31 7rigger says:
@Gorgol: Well that’s me told then :P I better turn off my pc as I’m quite enjoying Little Big Planet 2!
@Skinlo: A wiki article on not taking life seriously? Mmmmmm… Delicious irony…
08/06/2011 at 16:33 skinlo says:
I TAKE NOT TAKING LIFE SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY.
08/06/2011 at 16:34 Alec Meer says:
I find your face, which I took as a personal insult to the kind of faces I like, disappointing.
08/06/2011 at 16:37 Meat Circus says:
Console toy owner detected. Alec: UNLEASH THE HOUNDS.
08/06/2011 at 16:38 Stellar Duck says:
Ha!
I for one agree with gorgol! Every other damn site is all consolified. I come here to get silly PC stuff. Elitism included.
08/06/2011 at 16:40 7rigger says:
Ah well, can’t win ‘em all :(
Edit: http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/do-you-hate-console-games/
08/06/2011 at 16:44 gorgol says:
Meat Circus: LOL!
EDIT: 7rigger: now point me to an article, or even a comment, where they contradict that statement you’ve just linked. ‘Cos I’ve never seen one.
EDIT: also my “No.” was in reply to the “can’t we just enjoy all games” part of his comment… No we can’t just enjoy all games, ‘cos some games are subjectively rubbish, whilst some are objectively rubbish.
EDIT: also, this was whimsical satire and was not specifically aimed at any product. If you saw it as a satire of consoles it says more about your opinion of consoles than it does about RPS’ opinion…
08/06/2011 at 17:25 7rigger says:
@Gorgol: It’s not like I’m actually upset by it, I just don’t know why RPS is laying into some of the oldest established problems of the console market. The PC has none of these problems?
“If you saw it as a satire of consoles it says more about your opinion of consoles than it does about RPS’ opinion…”
What? So I’m a console-phobic console-sexual?
08/06/2011 at 17:36 gorgol says:
7rigger: no, you’re just in the closet, and in denial of your true gaming feelings. One day you’ll have the guts to admit the truth and come out as a raving PCsexual consolephobe.
08/06/2011 at 17:47 7rigger says:
@Gorgol: Now that made me laugh!
I am what I am
08/06/2011 at 18:51 Nick says:
Yeah, its not like Alec writes for console related things as well, is it?
http://www.eurogamer.net/archive.php?author=162
08/06/2011 at 19:29 abremms says:
but… PC gamers ARE the master race. according to The Numbers, PC Gamers are better than Console Gamers. Wealthier, better looking, healthier, happier, and simply more competent at everything.
The Numbers do not lie, Math said so.
08/06/2011 at 16:24 0p8 says:
@tjricardo089……..
there has to be one face palm i suppose
08/06/2011 at 16:24 oceanclub says:
What? I have to _press_ the button? Goddamn, I hate these elite PC freaks and how they overcomplicate things. Can’t I just _look_ at it? Otherwise, I’m going to get Cheeto powder all over it.
P.
08/06/2011 at 16:40 aircool says:
Images show do not represent actual game system.
08/06/2011 at 17:01 Kollega says:
I want to quote… after visiting Wikipedia and finding out it’s a phrase originating from the WW2 propaganda, i’m not sure what i am quoting anymore, but i still want to quote it and say: IS THIS SATIRE REALLY NECCESARY?
I have to say i didn’t laugh while reading the article. The future of PC gaming dosen’t seem to go in this direction, so what are you trying to satirize? The direction in which the console gaming is headed?
08/06/2011 at 17:19 gorgol says:
Doesn’t it? This perhaps reflects a tendency of the mainstream game industry in general, and as such it also reflects a tendency in PC gaming. There is a lot of crossover between the games that come out on PC and the ones that come out on console.
08/06/2011 at 17:08 pakoito says:
Bethesda: Consoles to be the lead platform for Skyrim, aim to make it “accessible” (http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/forums/showthread.php?217-Bethesda-Consoles-to-be-the-lead-platform-for-Skyrim-aim-to-make-it-%93accessible-quot)
The entire PC Master Race weeps.
08/06/2011 at 20:20 Pointless Puppies says:
I love how he says it all matter-of-factly. “Yeah, Skyrim will be a console port? SO WHAT? IT’S EASY FOR US. FUCK YOU”
08/06/2011 at 20:41 gorgol says:
Yikes, my interest in Skyrim just dropped from very high to negative O.o Off my to try list :/
08/06/2011 at 17:11 Giftmacher says:
Totally understandable concern for the state and/or future of PC gaming?
ELITISM
08/06/2011 at 20:23 Rii says:
PC gaming is in a better place than it’s been for a decade now and its future is probably brighter than that of the consoles. But you can keep whining if you like.
08/06/2011 at 20:44 gorgol says:
That doesn’t invalidate the concerns though. A hell of a lot of money is being thrown at this simplification trend.
09/06/2011 at 00:09 Nick says:
“PC gaming is in a better place than it’s been for a decade now”
In what way?
09/06/2011 at 09:22 Gorgol says:
Nick, I think he’s referring to the very creative and booming indy industry on the PC. In that sense I agree with him.
But imo the mainstream market on the PC has perhaps never been in such a poor state, which is especially worrying because it’s degradation is backed by enourmous ammounts of money, and encouraged by the very founders of the PC market.
08/06/2011 at 17:13 Cooper says:
The “IIBM”?
Photoshop ahoy:
http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/705/iibmi.jpg/
08/06/2011 at 17:20 ZamFear says:
The developers of Scowling Man With A Gun IV have their work cut out for them. Scowling Man With A Gun III was the apotheosis of marginally interactive storytelling. I find it hard to believe that anything following it would be anything other than a massive disappointment.
08/06/2011 at 17:27 sinelnic says:
Yeah I was looking at the gameplay demo for the new Tomb Raider and was burning in desire to be able to tele-timeport to that stage and take those bastards out of their fake confident delusional state by means of beating them to (real) death.
I imagined then showing the blood to the participants who would look at me in horror, forever un-reachable to my simple message. I would then comprehend, to them I’m just an alien, soulless little animal to whom they cannot *connect*, only sell and get normalized, safe feedback from.
In a now quiet, deserted conference center, surrounded by all kinds of different SWAT flavors, I’d spend my last minutes kicking a little napkin ball to glorious imagined goals.
_
It is them who are scared of us really, it is them acting in the name of others, deciding for the money of others, what alienates them, what makes them not trust their human instincts.
_
Then I figured there’s always a Yan, there’s always an opposite reaction, and all this bullshit non-gameplay will, in fact must, create the greatest gameplay humanity has ever seen.
_
I know it is true. I am in peace. I am going back to my just cause 2 now.
Good night.
08/06/2011 at 17:41 gorgol says:
Nice post after the first paragraph… The first made think “WTF”, but the rest I agree with. :)
08/06/2011 at 17:42 stupid_mcgee says:
“Call of Duty: The Goddamn Foreigners Are At It Again”
This really made me laugh. Being stateside, I can see a CoD game with that title doing very, very well. Most likely way better than just calling it Modern Warfare 3.
08/06/2011 at 17:44 gorgol says:
HAH! OMG. That’s scary and funny at the same time.
08/06/2011 at 19:01 Synesthesia says:
nah, just plain scary.
08/06/2011 at 18:13 shoptroll says:
Is it so bad that I like PC and console games? That’s allowed right?
08/06/2011 at 18:24 gorgol says:
Who’s stopping you? And why are you asking us? O.o Ahh, shopTROLL. Ok, move along, nothing to see here.
08/06/2011 at 19:27 shoptroll says:
Actually not trolling. It’s an old handle from one of my first jobs.
Anyways, this article amuses me. The current risk-adverse state of the industry is fairly depressing if you think about it too much. I don’t think it’s just the consoles or PC, it’s everyone.
08/06/2011 at 18:26 Joshua says:
But does it have DirectX 11?
08/06/2011 at 19:25 bwion says:
It ships with DirectX 13, which no games will ever actually support.
08/06/2011 at 20:23 Pointless Puppies says:
Wait, there’s a DX10? Are you sure?
Why would anybody use anything above DX9? The Xbox 360 uses it, so why would I, an esteemed developer, give a fuck about making my games take better advantage of each piece of hardware they’re in?
Screw that. 360 ports all around, and you’re gonna like it.
08/06/2011 at 19:13 KingJason13 says:
Throw in a program that pushes the button for me and I’m IN!
08/06/2011 at 19:42 timmyvos says:
Press a button and something awesome happens, right?
08/06/2011 at 20:08 gorgol says:
Hahahaha! WIN!
08/06/2011 at 20:30 The Dark One says:
Just think of the possibilities for movie tie-ins now!
08/06/2011 at 20:44 Ridnarhtim says:
God Dammit, I just got my PC 1 like 2 months ago.
08/06/2011 at 23:51 anduin1 says:
good article, I laughed at the references :)
08/06/2011 at 23:52 Olivaw says:
This is the sort of thing that makes me shake my head and wonder if I should be reading Rock, Paper, Shotgun sometimes.
09/06/2011 at 00:31 FRIENDLYUNIT says:
Take my money godammit! HERE TAKE IT
09/06/2011 at 01:28 John P says:
I didn’t read this as a PC vs console thing at all.
I saw this as a damning criticism of the state of game design, whereby player freedom is increasingly removed in favour of cutscenes, QTEs, ‘cinematic action’ that funnels you through a level never requiring you to think. The obsession with hardware is people spurging about better looking cutscenes, and not about better games.
09/06/2011 at 08:33 D3xter says:
*tears up* I take back not liking you.
09/06/2011 at 10:57 BoZo says:
I love you RPS.
09/06/2011 at 11:49 tomeoftom says:
Big up, Alec. Respec’.
09/06/2011 at 12:29 Miked says:
That was one of the best things I’ve ever read on RPS :) Smile
09/06/2011 at 12:40 sonofsanta says:
April 4th 2012: Chokehold Entertainment Technology Ltd today announces that it has gone in to administration due to an almost 100% return rate on its latest system, the PC2.
Although the PC2 was the most advanced entertainment machine available to the consumer and attempted to be all-inclusive through a blue ocean strategy of simplified controls, consumer dissatisfaction has been at a record high since it came to light that the sole “X” button of the controller was insufficient to proceed past the splash screens of multiplatform titles, which all required a “Start” button to begin the game.
Although Chokehold Entertainment recently announced a patch for the problem, mailing out a small square of cloth with “Start” written on it to literally patch over the old X button, this then broke game play past the initial screen and instead only allowed the player to repeatedly pause and unpause the action.
Chokehold Entertainment were unavailable for comment; an interview had been arranged but they failed to make the appointment. Early rumours suggest the CEO is still sat in his car pressing the horn in an attempt to make the car drive itself.
09/06/2011 at 12:40 backcountry says:
hahahahahaha
well if you wanna preorder the nintendo wii u check this one out
http://www.preorder-wiiu.com
10/06/2011 at 02:32 samineru says:
It’s passed the embargo date.