New Gaming System Revealed At E3

By Alec Meer on June 8th, 2011 at 2:59 pm.

At. Last.

EMBARGOED UNTIL 6PM, 9 JUNE 2011

Los Angeles, The Colonies, 8 June 2011

Chokehold Entertainment Technology Ltd today announces its latest gaming system, the PC 2.

The successor to the wildly popular Personal Computer revolutionises videogaming, thanks to intensely intense graphics, visceral audio and market-leading suppression of player freedom and creative expression.

“For years, PC gamers have complained about being able to tailor their system and their games however they damn well pleased,” boasted Chokehold CEO Ian McProfits. “At last, PC 2 ensures they only get to play the games we violently market directly to their brains, in only the manner that we think they should play them.

“No more free-form discovery and creation which results in wonderful, highly personal anecdotes to tell your friends – instead, the accessible ease of being awarded a tiny in-game badge and a slightly increased number whenever you perform one of the 314 officially-approved in-game actions.”

As well as mind-blowing 14xHD graphics and RealHearTM musicability, PC 2 introduces a brand new controller that will revolutionise videogames forever. SureControlTM makes games accessible for everyone: from the youngest child to the oldest, most malodorous geriatric and everything in between. Simple but powerful touch-based controls put you in the heart of the action at all times, with no possibility of error:

“I thought I was amazing at repeatedly shooting virtual men in the face again and again back when I did the same thing every single day on my disgusting old PC 1”, bellowed famed pro-gamer K1LLTal1ty38, “but with PC 2 and SureControlTM I never miss a shot! I don’t even have to take a shot, in fact – I just watch a pre-rendered scene of EYE-MELTING ACTION that I had nothing to do with but somehow feel proud of.”

Worried about complex button combinations? Not any more! Simply looking at SureControlTM activates its amazing, true-to-life responsiveness, ensuring you have complete mastery of when you’re going to watch whatever it is that has been scripted to happen next.

PC 2 also addresses many gamers’ complaints of having too much choice and being fatally afraid to take any sort of risk, by only releasing games based on established brands. Confirmed for launch are Pepsi Hero, Scowling Man With A Gun IV, Cartoon Plumber In Contrived Sports-Based Situation 2012 and Call of Duty: The Goddamn Foreigners Are At It Again.

A special FunChannelTM will be dedicated to wild and crazy alternative games from ‘indie’ developers who have agreed to deposit their testicles in a cryogenic lockbox stored deep beneath Chokehold’s headquarters. Due before the end of 2012 are “A Game About Jumping, Like In The Past”, “A Game About Shooting Spaceships, Like In The Past” and “A Game About Two Men Fighting, Like In The Past.”

The magical PC 2 is due to launch before the end of 2011, at an affordable price of just $999 and whatever last, desperate dregs of imagination you have left to you.

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180 Comments »

  1. Bodminzer says:

  2. Chris Evans says:

    *applauds*

  3. Valvarexart says:

    Looks like they stole the “x” button design!

    • McDan says:

      Microsoft are so going to sue them for that! This was brilliant anyway.

  4. pakoito says:

    Gold.

  5. ran93r says:

    “Cartoon Plumber In Contrived Sports-Based Situation 2012″
    I may have almost choked on my Pepsi

  6. James Allen says:

    I’m glad someone has stepped in and determined which games I am allowed to play on my PC. All of those choices with original indie games hurt my brain.

  7. simoroth says:

    This would be hilarious if it weren’t so depressingly true. To be honest I’m starting to think this was a good week for me to quit the industry.

    • Sassenach says:

      Sorry for being slow, but this is referencing something specific? I havn’t been paying much attention to E3.

  8. Tori says:

    How much for a second controller for co-op? Because that one looks very hi-tech and expensive.

    • Premium User Badge

      Oozo says:

      Controllers won’t be sold separately. For coop, the second player can just look at the screen from the BACKSEAT.

    • Tatourmi says:

      Dude, who still plays splitscreen? I mean, helloooo? Twenty first century rings a bell?

  9. KauhuK says:

    I cant afford such things. I’ll stick with my good old companion computer.

    • ResonanceCascade says:

      Really? Sure, the PC2 itself is a bit pricey, but I thought the $128 per month PC2Live cost was quite competitive.

    • Tatourmi says:

      I only wish it included DLC though.

    • Pointless Puppies says:

      @ResonanceCascade:
      I know. It’s VERY cheap when you think about it. $128 per month might sound like a lot, but if you arbitrarily divide the cost by day it’s really only $4.30, which isn’t anything to scoff at. If we further break it down for no reason other than to nonsensically downplay the cost, it’s only 18 cents per hour! What kind of cheapskate moron can’t afford 18 cents per hour? Douchebags, that’s who. I mean, in my multitude of meatheaded broski outings with my dudebro friends we EASILY rack up a bar tab of $150 per night (that’s not even including the hooker), so by comparison just 18 cents for an entire hour (remember, that’s SIXTY minutes!) is nothing!

  10. Springy says:

    Waitjustasec. I have to actually, physically press a button to watch cutscenes? What century are these people from? Where’s my voice recognition? This is far too complex.

    • abremms says:

      i heard that they are working on a special bit of hardware that will be able to see you and play the cutscene upon recognizing your “vacant, cow-eyed gaze”.

      i think they are shooting for christmas 2012, if they can get the technology right.

    • Berzee says:

      You have to use your hands? That’s a baby’s toy.

    • kikito says:

      Yeah, I’m pretty sad I can’t be the controller myself.
      I WANT TO BE THE CONTROLLER.
      NAO.

    • ZamFear says:

      @Springy et al:
      Read the article guys! You don’t actually have to push the button!
      “Simply looking at SureControlTM activates its amazing, true-to-life responsiveness”

      Truly, the future is upon us!

    • GameOverMan says:

      Springy, they have announced an advanced voice recognition controller especially tailored for the First Person Shooters that will appear on the platform. Instead of pressing a button you only have to say “boooring” every time you want to shoot an enemy in the face.

    • Fumarole says:

      You have to use your hands? That’s a baby’s toy.

      Well done.

    • Renzatic says:

      Kikito said:

      Yeah, I’m pretty sad I can’t be the controller myself.
      I WANT TO BE THE CONTROLLER.
      NAO.

      For some reason, the first thought that popped in my head after reading this was some guy smacking himself against a wall over and over, going “I’M WINNING! I’M WINNING! I’M BEATING THE GAME”.

      …is there something wrong with me?

  11. Premium User Badge

    Daiv says:

    Reminds me of a Dilbert strip.

    “This computer is so easy to use, it only has one button – and we press it before it leaves the factory.”

  12. xcession says:

    I believe that controller has a shoulder button that screams racist obscenities in caps across the global chat.

    • Meat Circus says:

      Can I upgrade it with the $200 LOL FAG option?

    • Ian says:

      Sadly you can only get the packs individually if you get pre-order access to the pre-alpha test version of the thing, otherwise you have to buy the entire ‘L33T SPK LOLZ’ pack for considerably more.

  13. saladin says:

    I read rumours it’ll ship with an “app store” where users can trade cash for PCPOINTS which can be redeemed for access to premium features, like web browsers on a pay-2-play basis.

    • YeOldeSnake says:

      Or , pay per website , or even pay to be able to pay to play.
      Shit , d’aww microsoft beat us to it

    • Pointless Puppies says:

      Dude, did you hear? PC 2 is getting Youtube support! FUCKING YOUTUBE! It’s that website we can access on our phones and oldfag PC 1 computers for free, but now with a interface with enormous buttons and a huge font. It totally makes the $128 yearly PCLive subscription worth it!

    • Brutal Deluxe says:

      Premium features… like trailers?

  14. Joe Duck says:

    And yet, and yet, it is interesting that… oh fuck it, you are 100% right on this.

  15. Tom OBedlam says:

    “Call of Duty: The Goddamn Foreigners Are At It Again”

    priceless

  16. noom says:

    I do love it when Alec gets angry :D

    • Meat Circus says:

      It’s the sane response to anyone who watched Microsoft’s unbelievably wretched presser.

      I mean, Microsoft have always been dreary, unimaginative, life-starving, stultifying force of absolutely inevitable emptiness, but it was BAD even for them.

      Console gaming is dead, and Microsoft’s E3 press conference killed it.

    • Premium User Badge

      oceanclub says:

      I managed to miss most of the E3 coverage; how exactly was MS’s so bad, even for them? (Point me at an RPS article if they discuss this.)

      P.

    • Premium User Badge

      Lars Westergren says:

      It was basically revolving around the Kinect, which made those emotionally invested in the Xbox system but not willing to embrace said peripheral somewhat distraught.

      For demonstrations of this I recommend going to Reddit’s r/gaming forums and browsing the archives for the last 24 hours or so.

    • stupid_mcgee says:

      @ oceanclub: While not an RPS article, here’s a PCGamer article that sums it up pretty well.

      http://www.pcgamer.com/2011/06/06/e3-2011-the-microsoft-conference-your-reactions/

      I missed the live stream, but watched it later, and it really is pretty horrible.

      The problem is, MS just can’t leave things well enough alone. It’s this constant “hey, let’s tinker with it and make it better!” attitude that actually just screws everything up. Sometimes, things are best left the way they are. There was nothing horribly wrong with the 360 and the game industry, then MS decided to capitalize on Nintendo’s gimmicky motion control phenomenon (which, it seems, is currently petering out and quickly dying). Thing is, Nintendo was the only developer to get the motion stuff down (even 3rd party games on the Wii were horrible) and, even then, most of the games were pretty damn lackluster and aimed at very young children (8 year olds and the like).

      The XBox came out, much like the Playstation, as a console for gamers. Games for gamers. Typically hitting the 16-24 year old demographic. Now, I don’t know where they’re going, and I don’t think MS knows either. It reminds me of when you get big-box stores that start to expand way too much and way too far. Best Buy had to restructure and cut a lot of the fluff that wasn’t really their core focus and making them lose money (notably: appliances (washer, dryer, vacuums, etc)). While MS is off finding fun new ways to haphazardly and poorly implement features of their competitors, they repeatedly miss the opportunity to actually innovate. Who want s a bunch of Wii features on their 360, especially when the features are so half-assed and poorly done?

      Don’t get me wrong, there’s certainly a few things MS could stand to copy from their competitors. (seriously, you’re just NOW adding a goddamn browser to the 360?) But when you try to make copying everyone else’s features your main focus, you lose vision on what actually works for your platform, and wind up with a complete mishmash of broken and poorly implemented features.

      For a great example, see The Homer.

  17. Premium User Badge

    Lars Westergren says:

    Mass Effect 3 sounds like the perfect launch title for the PC 2 – it’s so accessible AND it has a scowling man with a gun. I can’t wait!

  18. bwion says:

    A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past will be better.

    • abremms says:

      “A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past” will be the PC2′s killer app. worth all 99999 pennies. that is many pennies.

    • westyfield says:

      The developers of A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past are today pleased to announce A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past: Collector’s Edition! This limited stock collector’s edition costs 199,998 pennies and comes with the exclusive DLC entitled ‘The Soundtrack’! Simply play A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past: Collector’s Edition and at pre-determined moments music can be heard in the background.
      Order now to ensure you receive a copy of A Game About Swording Monsters To Death And Also There Are Boobs II Like In The Past: Collector’s Edition, winner of an ‘A Game Of The Year’ award for 2011!

    • Jason Moyer says:

      I’ve heard that for just 31337 ChemSoft points, you can buy the Tolkien’s Secret Lingerie Shop addon which increases the lustfulness of the PG-13 dry humping scenes.

  19. 20thCB says:

    Pfft no motion control or 3D

  20. BooleanBob says:

    But will it have zombies and chiptunes and pixel art and microtransactions?

  21. jon_hill987 says:

    I take it “Need for Speed: The Run” has been confirmed for the PC2.

    • YeOldeSnake says:

      I lolled , indeed the so exciting out of car experiences are nothing more than quicktime events.

    • Brutal Deluxe says:

      Indeed, I was able to write this message using one long quick time event

  22. DevilSShadoW says:

    this is truly your magnum opus

    brain meltingly technical

    you really managed to convey the system’s importance for the future of PC gaming!

  23. Leman says:

    Those consoles mmmm!

    Hang let me slap myself on the back even harder.

  24. Premium User Badge

    The Sombrero Kid says:

    it’s depressing how it’s come to this, the games industry needs cpr. :(

  25. PFlute says:

    Oh, I laughed. You have won my laughter this day.

    But make no mistake! There is also a scowl. For you. Mr. Meer.

  26. westyfield says:

    Still not as good as the PS2.

    AND NO CONSOLE EVER WILL BE.

  27. Cinnamon says:

    Great news fort me since I hate having any choice and most of all I hate playing games but buttons are so last gen. Ewww, button, why don’t you push the button on your housebrick sized mobile phone instead grandpa. It’s all about advanced spewtum detection and 3d retching sensors in the next gen.

  28. Smannesman says:

    I can tell this is supposed to be funny, unfortunately it does nothing for me.
    It’s like a beautiful woman on a slab in the morgue, I can tell she’s beatiful.. but it just doesn’t do anything for me.
    Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with the fact that this website isn’t just for me.

    Edit: My gravatar thingy works, yay.

    • Alec Meer says:

      BEST COMMENT EVER

    • Magnetude says:

      “Gravatar”. You’re barely a man.

    • Berzee says:

      It can be tough when you find out a website isn’t for you. Maybe someday you’ll find another website. Don’t give up.

      P.S. What if instead of a beautiful woman it is a scary-looking man with grey skin and dreadlocks and TATTOO SPOILERS on his back?

    • Premium User Badge

      Okami says:

      I like beautiful dead women – they’re far better than the ugly ones.

    • Premium User Badge

      Man Raised by Puffins says:

      It’s okay, man. I’m sure you’ll find a dead chipmunk of your own one day.

      *strokes Mr Fluffles*

    • Teddy Leach says:

      Dead women can’t say ‘no’.

    • gorgol says:

      Smannesman’s must be one of the oddest comments I’ve ever read on RPS. Not sure if serious.

    • Muzman says:

      Is he saying RPS is dead to him, or like a woman?

    • enobayram says:

      Why do you think he says this website isn’t for him? He just says it’s also for others (who might enjoy this article)

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      Posting on RPS is like making love to a dead woman. You probably won’t get a response, but if you do you know it’ll be, like, WOAH!

  29. jonfitt says:

    When can I re-order and being queuing? I AM SO EXCITED!

  30. Nallen says:

    Sounds like a good idea now, but what about when all the Xbox owners are up in arms about their shooters being “dumbed down for PC 2″???

    ;) I love this site soooo much

  31. Flobulon says:

    Anyone know how many polygons per krundle this thing is capable of?

  32. Namos says:

    At first I read that as “Cuckold Entertainment”… bizarre, I know, but kinda fitting in an odd way.

  33. John P says:

    Incisive, accurate and excellent.

    And excellent.

  34. YeOldeSnake says:

    This article has a lot of truth in it , respect to Alec.

  35. arienette says:

    That’s a pre-order!

  36. Joe Duck says:

    “A special FunChannelTM will be dedicated to wild and crazy alternative games from ‘indie’ developers who have agreed to deposit their testicles in a cryogenic lockbox stored deep beneath Chokehold’s headquarters”

    Very interesting, I have had exactly the same thoughts about PC2 Arcade and other “indie environments” for a while (and been annoyed at the publicity they get instead of indies on PC).
    But it is the first time I see someone voicing this concern. Maybe I just did not realise?
    Anyway, it is a very, very annoying subject, Indie developers are the equivalent of “small” and “cheap” for PC2 platforms owners and their friends. Not “innovative” or “game changing”, that would be… complicated.

    • Maykael says:

      Yeah, I still am bewildered why do independent developers still go Xbox 360 or PS 3 exclusive when the audience that is the most open to their creations is on the PC. Super Meat Boy was ultra hyped, was a timed X360 exclusive and still sold more on the PC.

      Also on console you have to behave content-wise. Something insane like Beautiful Escape would never get published on any of those platforms…

    • Meat Circus says:

      Cash, dear. Cold, hard cash.

  37. Premium User Badge

    Diziet Sma says:

    Hahahaha! *claps*

  38. konrad_ha says:

    Oh dear, “K1LLTal1ty38″ really sent me over the edge, tears are still rolling down my cheeks.

    • GameOverMan says:

      Stay tuned for his line of PC 2 products. Well, there will be only 3 of them, and they will be identical to the ones shipped with the machine, since it’s a closed platform, but when you press the single button on a K1LLTal1ty38′s controller you’ll feel like a true pro gamer.

  39. Drake Sigar says:

    I’ll take ten.

  40. Premium User Badge

    Anthile says:

    x

  41. westyfield says:

  42. Premium User Badge

    HermitUK says:

    “Press X to buy next cutscene”, surely? Micro transactions are THE FUTURE! And THE FUTURE is here now! In micro transaction form!

    FUTURE!

  43. Betamax says:

    I see what you did there.

  44. Limey says:

    Finally, something to appease the hardcore crowd!

    I was getting so sick of other platforms taking my beloved lines and streaming them into one huge pile. This is going to add a lot of old-fashioned complexity.

  45. Pobblepop says:

    Rapier satirical wit sir.

  46. Urthman says:

    Goddamn foreigners are at it again, making fun of our manly American XBoxes, trying to pollute the purity and essence of our natural…fluids.

  47. thatman says:

    I must admit I am very excited for this.

  48. Maykael says:

    Everything you wanted to say with this excellent satire is correct. I have rarely agreed with anything so completely. Thanks, Alec, you made my day!

  49. Premium User Badge

    Nero says:

    I’ll buy three and a half!

  50. tjricardo089 says:

    oh noo! please tell me this is some bad joke!