The Duke Nukem As-I-Play LiveBlog

By Alec Meer on June 10th, 2011 at 3:10 pm.

Boom!
Update: that’s it for now, folks. I’ll try to do some more over the weekend. I must be honest and admit I don’t want to though. So far it’s a bizarre, often witless mess of scatty, wasted ideas, clunky writing and surprisingly little action. Here’s hoping it improves now I’m out of the backtrack-heavy casino bit, though.

Eventually, via dark magicks, I have made Duke Nuke Forever on Steam work. I’ll be playing it on and off during the day, and sharing my thoughts in the below liveblog. No need to refresh the page – just watch and let it happen. And, hopefully, laugh and think about how clever I am. Or how witless and inaccurate I am. That can happen too.

It’ll pause on occasion while I wander off to do important things like eat and play with the cat, so don’t presume it’s over until I make it quite clear when it’s over. Let’s go!

You can comment in the liveblog as well as in the standard way, but they require approval from me so there might be a bit of a wait while I shoot a pigman in the face or listen to a joke about Duke’s balls or something.

, , , .

162 Comments »

  1. checkers says:

    I will be your friend Alec

  2. yhalothar says:

    I saw TotalBiscuit;s first impressions vid yesterday and he was radiating disappointment by the 20th minute. Enjoy! ;]

    • Brutal Deluxe says:

      Yeah I just finished watching that myself. It was horrific (er not in a good way). Also there’s a 2 weapon limit, which according to the devs is because it’s impossible to allow for more than two weapons on console controllers

    • Unaco says:

      Is Total Biscuit being negative about it? Does he not like it? Because, he said in a comment thread here on RPS last week, that he’d played it, it was a Day 1 purchase, and he thought it adorable all the people railing against the puerile ‘humour’ in the game.

    • Teddy Leach says:

      Very much what Unaco said. Twice, but even so.

    • HermitUK says:

      Kind of the point. TB been pretty clear that he loved DN3D way back in the day, and that he was looking forward to DNF rather a lot. You get to hear TB’s expectations gradually crumble as the video goes on.

      It could be that the game just takes its time to get going, of course. Just seems crazy to me that there’s been relatively little action in the opening hour or so.

    • BobsLawnService says:

      “Also there’s a 2 weapon limit, which according to the devs is because it’s impossible to allow for more than two weapons on console controllers”

      So that is the reason behind the srcond worst fps mechanic after the cover system/regenerating health combo.

    • TotalBiscuit says:

      Every now and again, I’m horribly disappointed. What was promised, was not delivered.

      Needless to say what I’d seen of the game before saying that was not representative of the final product, the final product is worse, far worse.

      Detailed thoughts encoding as we speak.

    • Baines says:

      Are you serious about the reason for allowing only two weapons? Yes, it could be a joke, but it does sound like something a modern game developer might actually say.

      Still, even ignoring every console FPS before Halo, Borderlands let you assign four different weapons. Even if you had to unlock the weapon slots…

    • HermitUK says:

      If that’s the reason for the 2 weapon limit, the developers are morons.

      Resistance, a fairly run of the mill FPS that hit the PS3 around launch, had pretty much the best solution for more than two weapons on a gamepad. Tap the change weapon button to cycle your last two used weapons, as per Halo. Hold it down, and a wheel appears on screen – Point analogue stick in direction of desired weapon and let go, and you’re done. Supported up to eight weapons, as I recall. Heck, Gears managed 4 by just binding them to the DPad.

      Course, the number keys are still far more convenient, but it’s simple enough to design fairly elegant solutions for a gamepad control scheme if you sit and think about it for more than two minutes.

    • Premium User Badge Shakermaker says:

      @TB Thanks for that last video. You are making a couple of good points, especially where you say that DNF is everything that is wrong with first person shooters in 2011. I wonder what this game would have been like with proper old school mechanics. Still a relic probably, but at least one that would have been more true to its original form.

    • Jubacat says:

      Strange thing is I played through the Orange Box on the 360 and I seem to recall having more then two weapons at a time.

    • Delusibeta says:

      RE: the two weapon limit. Yep, the reasoning was that they thought they couldn’t fit it on a controller. Also, Halo.
      http://www.shacknews.com/chatty?id=26031903#itemanchor_26031903
      As anyone who owns the Orange Box for consoles (or even TimeSplitters) will tell you, that’s bollocks and they know it.

    • RedBeard says:

      the regenerating healt it’s not that bad at all.

      imho, it’s WAY BETTER that than being a f5 junky, saving at every healtpack, and loading at every scratch… quicksave is for pussies :P

    • Baines says:

      Before Halo, I think every console FPS let you carry more than two weapons. In most cases, you two buttons, one moved you one weapon back and the other moved you one weapon forward. I’d guess most console FPS gave you around five weapons or so in any one level or stage, so you could fairly quickly get to where you wanted.

      Some console FPS even dropped controls down to a single button, only supporting “Next Weapon”. I’d guess that most people probably ended up using one button repeatedly anyway, instead of remembering whether it was faster to go back or forward in any particular situation.

      I think Goldeneye on the N64 also displayed an onscreen weapon menu if you held down the “Next Weapon” button, where you used the analog stick to point to the weapon of your choice.

      Duke Nukem Forever wasn’t limited to two weapons because that is all the controls could handle. It was limited to two weapons because the developers only cared about copying the same scheme used by Halo, Call of Duty, and others. Which, going by the live blog’s account, seems to be how the entire game was designed…by blindly copying everything that every other FPS did.

    • zbeeblebrox says:

      What’s sad is that the “Ratchet and Clank” series – which is about as non-hardcore a shoot as you can get, since it’s actually a collect-a-thon platformer with guns, has been using the pseudo-pause wheel select screen for storing shitloads of guns since the series BEGAN.

      FPSes seriously have ZERO EXCUSE. ZERO.

  3. Marijn says:

    A Metacritic 57 for the 360 version so far… I’m already looking forward to a lot of schadenfreude at Randy Pitchford’s expense.

    • Vinraith says:

      So, pretty much the Daikatana of this generation then?

    • TillEulenspiegel says:

      No, some people are actually liking DNF – see the PC Gamer (US? Dan Stapleton appears to be American) review. Daikatana was never controversial; everybody who dared to play it hated it.

      It’ll fade into obscurity in about two weeks, though.

    • RedBeard says:

      i find it very enjoyable in fact.
      it’s hard, it’s funny, and has an incredible(even if definitley not constant) player value.

      it’s almost ridiculous how some people are so eager to join a lynching just because this is not duke3d (or just because it’s funny to throw shit? “what are you, a chimpanze?”, lol)….ok, it’s not perfect at all, but it’s not bad at all either.

    • HermitUK says:

      The 360 reviews will come in lower than the PC version. The console versions have some nasty technical problems – long load times, low res textures and choppy framerate seem to keep cropping up in reviews of the 360 version. To quote Eurogamer’s review:

      “Please note that we reviewed the game on Xbox 360, but Digital Foundry’s Richard Leadbetter informs us that the PC version plays much better. “It’s a complete mess on 360 – sub-HD resolutions, hugely obtrusive screen-tear, terrible aliasing, low frame rate,” he says. “All of these things can be remedied by playing the game on PC. It doesn’t transform it into a good game, but it makes it much easier on the eye and certainly smoother, far more responsive and thus more enjoyable to play.” “

  4. Rikard Peterson says:

    What does 57900 mean? Hours spent developing the game?

  5. Springy says:

    Watching a computer screen on which someone puts live text-based updates of his gaming is the future of gaming.

    And I don’t have to lean forward to press refresh? This is even better than the PC2.

  6. McDan says:

    From what I hear I fully expect this liveblog to be funnier than the game itself, go nuts alec!

    • Brutal Deluxe says:

      Is it wrong that I’m anticipating the inevitable disappointment with quite a lot of glee?

    • McDan says:

      Great stuff alec.

    • Outsider says:

      Agreed, a fun read!

    • Shazbut says:

      Yep. Very entertaining read. Don’t know how you managed to come up with so many interesting and funny remarks whilst playing a game at the same time. Years of journalistic training coming into focus!

  7. Vexing Vision says:

    “This is both unprofessional and unhealthy, but it seems important that I have a beer in my hand as I start this. Therefore, I do.”

    I will steal this for the next gametesting session at our office.

  8. Premium User Badge Nero says:

    I have watched alot of livestreams of games, but this is just as exciting as that. Actually laughed out loud to this line “alright, I’ve picked up the turd, you goddamned disgusting animals. What do you want me to do with it?”

  9. Premium User Badge Lambchops says:

    Just to stir up some controversy as Alec blogs away. 2D Duke > 3D Duke. Discuss.

    • hav says:

      I thought you wanted controversy.

    • CMaster says:

      Agreed. But then I think that platformers and stratergy games of the early-mid 90s were generally better than the FPS games. I didn’t enjoy/like any FPS until HL came along.
      Edit: Actually Jedi Kinight came along first apparently and that was alright (although I only got to play the demos)

    • LionsPhil says:

      Nah, because Duke Nukem 3D is in the latter set and platformers are rubbish.

    • Rikard Peterson says:

      I liked DN1. The first third (the shareware part) was pretty good. It was fun, and the inclusion of the full game on the DN3 CD played a part in my purchase of it. Sadly, the other two parts of the game add nothing new and just feels like filler. (I even programmed a level editor for the game, now long lost.)

      DN2 on the other hand, I didn’t like.

      DN3… Even when playing on Easy, it was quite difficult for me. (I’m not much of a gamer.) I don’t know if I even finished the first episode. I remember a sub-marine, and Duke getting caught behind bars, but I remember the first couple of levels the most.

  10. LionsPhil says:

    Why is it backwards. Why. Reading top-down items within a bottom-up list. This is madness.

    I hate you, Web 2.0.

    • LionsPhil says:

      Extra-confusingly, now that it’s over, it’s re-ordered in a sane direction.

      But that was amusing. Cheers, Alec, for doing the job they refused to let their seeecrit little demo do.

    • Urthman says:

      Please, RPS, don’t ever do this again. It was maybe fun for people able to read it live from the beginning but for someone coming later to scroll all the way to the bottom, clicking “read more” dozens of times, trying to find the beginning, and then reading it backwards? it’s just painful.

      I really wanted to read this but the interface drove me away.

      Edit: Ha! You fixed it while I was typing my complaint! Thanks RPS, you’re the greatest!

  11. Christian says:

    I just wanted to note that I quite like what RPS are doing lately with their liveblogging. And also: nice plugin you’re using there.

  12. TotalBiscuit says:

    You know how heartening it is to know that an actual qualified journalist thinks the same as I do?

    My lord if you’d seen the trolls on my first impressions video last night.

    • Megagun says:

      For what it’s worth, you did seem a tad agressive and whiny about the game. Furthermore, you seemed to kick some of your previous opinions in the balls. I thought I heard you say on some Mailbox episode that “opinions are never facts”, yet you seemed to try to portray your opinions as being facts a tad too often.

      DISCLAIMER: I’ve never really played the original Duke3D, and thus do not have any kind of nostalgia associated with it.

      What I saw of Duke3D seemed to be a quite fun, surely not dull game. There’s a lot of variation, not just the same shooty shooty bits all the time. Some racing, some minigames, lots of neat little things to do when you’re getting tired of shooty shooty all the time.

      You know what I think? I think that the people who will love this game and the people who will hate this game will love or hate it for the very same reasons: it’s not just shooty shooty all the time. Young gamers used to modern games will love it because it’s so different from all the modern manshooters, yet those that have played and liked the original Duke3D will hate it because it’s so far away from what it used to be.

      As far as games journalists go: I would think that most of them have played the original Duke3D. That might mean why they share your opinions.

    • Unaco says:

      So… Sticking by the ‘Day 1 purchase’ comment Biscuit?

    • cytokindness says:

      TB, did you hate HL and HL2 as well?
      ’cause DNF has exactly the same slow start style as both of them.

    • yhalothar says:

      I’m two hours in and I must agree. This game is essentially Call of Duke. It’s entirely on rails. Being led from “shooting gallery #1″ to “shooting gallery #2″ through a series of scripted events is NOT my idea of a duke game. Nor any game, really.

    • Eclipse says:

      Slow start??? the game has an AMAZING start, one of the best ever IMO, it’s full of stuff to laugh at from the first scene to when you get the pistol. I’ve counted at least 50 puns and funny references\stuff already and I’m sure I’ve missed a lot of stuff too.

      Oh and gotta love that pinball, beating the hiscore on it took me 15 minutes alone

    • Daniel Klein says:

      This is how Duke3D started: you’re on a rooftop. Your ship crashes overhead. Duke makes a quip about it. You shoot a gas bottle. It explodes. You drop down a ventilation shaft. There’s a street, with aliens, who shoot at you, and whom you shoot. Time to shooting stuff: if you’re trained probably 10 seconds.

      At this point already it becomes non-linear. You can forge on through the back entrance of a cinema or find a secret area with a rocket launcher and blast open the front door. The cinema shows looping footage of a half naked lady and you can shoot a rocket into her crotch to open a secret area. And so on.

      The first game was fun, shooty, light-hearted and childish. It was a playground game. This, from the looks of it, seems to be a 65 year old violent pedophile imitating the games kids play on the playground to fit in. It’s off-putting, disturbing, and not very amusing.

    • TotalBiscuit says:

      @Eclipse – I am glad you are enjoying Dukio Party. However I purchased an FPS, not a minigame collection. Unfortunately you have expressed the opinion that this is the best Duke Nukem game yet, which leads me to believe that you have been Octo-brainwashed or never played Duke Nukem 3d.
      @cyto – No because Half Life is not Duke Nukem, not to mention Half Life did it a LOT better.

    • Eclipse says:

      Well here you have the first boss fight in a couple of seconds, even if it’s a game inside the game.
      Then if you rush trough it you get to the action part quite fast, not as fast as DN3D, but hey, it’s a 15 years newer sequel, it needs to set the mood and let the player know the background story somehow. Complaining for it is a bit stupid, but then, everybody knew it was going to happen

    • Commisar says:

      I just saw your WTF is for DNf and damn, only 2 guns at a times, what the hell, plus mouse smoothing = I might be getting this one off of “other channels” over the Internet

    • Dana says:

      @cytokindness
      And why exactly expecting a Sequel to be similar in style and gameplay, to the highly successful and acclaimed Original, is in any way unreasonable or silly ?

    • lurkalisk says:

      @Dana

      I would guess the 12 years part.

    • Dana says:

      @lurkalisk
      System Shock 2 – 1999, Bioshock – 2007. Not a direct sequel, not even a better then original but my point is still valid.
      Deus Ex – 1999, DE Human Revolution – 2011. Will be worse then original, but its seems it wont detract too far from it (leaky leaky).
      The other thing, DNF is a bad game, simple as that. If it wasn’t ‘Duke’, no one would even touch it. And history has proven, that you can make GOOD games even when they vastly differ from the source material (Fallout 3).

    • lurkalisk says:

      @Dana
      Both of those examples don’t quite work, as System Shock 2 and Deus Ex (which actually came out in 2000 and had a sequel before HR) both came out in a time when their style was just emerging as the popular sort, which means that Bioshock and Human Revolution didn’t need to be big departures from their predecessors (well, HR’s not out yet, so who knows). DN3D on the other hand, came out at a time when its style was in its last throes. So if DNF were exactly like DN3D, it would likely be a pain in the ass to play. DN3D may have been fun in ’96 and still is, but I’d certainly prefer a more modern kind of game.

      Also, whether or not DNF is a good game is entirely subjective. So no, it isn’t as simple as that.

    • Dana says:

      @lurkalisk
      Your argument is based on a false premise that if DNF was just like DN3d, it would be bad (or, pain in the ass to play, whatever that means).
      I just installed High Resolution mod on Duke 3d, and Im having a blast. It didn’t grow old at all, unlike DNF which is an archaic example of ‘new-wave-fps’, genre it aspires to be part of.

    • lurkalisk says:

      I wasn’t talking about visuals, I don’t even…
      Ok, this discussion clearly cannot come to reasonable conclusion. Good day to you.

    • Dana says:

      @lurkalisk
      Of course. I mention installing high resolution pack so I dont get pixels size of the fist on my 28” screen, and you automatically assume that HURR DURR IM TALKING ABOUT GRAPHICS.
      You are right, its best to end this discussion. Because you dont even. Good day to you sir, as well.

    • lurkalisk says:

      As any such site, the more popular RPS gets, the meaner and less tolerant its users… An unfortunate inevitability.

    • Dana says:

      Insightful ad hominem.

    • lurkalisk says:

      Sorry…

    • RegisteredUser says:

      @TotalBiscuit

      Did I mistake you for someone else, or did you not really like Crysis 2?

      How is that not the 1:1 same embodiment of “everything that is wrong with shooters right now”?

      I looked at it, and it has the 2 weapon limit, checkpointing, ultralinear “arenas” (that in half the cases are actually _literally_ walled in roads) and regenerating tinyhealth as it is purported that DNF also has.

      How can anyone approve of Crysis 2 (and not of DNF – as in both really do suck, but if you like that kind of ultrasuck, you should like both suckfests equally well)?

      Would confuse the heck out of me and you were the same guy who liked C2.

  13. LionsPhil says:

    You know, quite a few games have had the get drunk mechanic, but I can’t quite remember any that allowed you to snort lines of coke/trip on acid. Is there? Should there be? There should be.

    You could take future science drug Zyme in Deus Ex and give yourself the same kind of effect as drunkenness, except JC wasn’t a lightweight so that level of swirly required quite a lot of normal beers. And that’s despite his hyper-nano-metabolism condensing the whole effects down to about a minute!

    Wasn’t that what Smithers’ computer said when you booted it up in the Simpsons? Only with Mr Burns?

    Almost.

    • Buttless Boy says:

      Postal 2 has “catnip” which makes you trip balls, and one of the health powerups is clearly a crack pipe. If I remember correctly, Saints Row 2 also had some drugs as powerups, but I may be thinking of a terrible porn game (is there any other kind?) I played a while back.

    • Thecreeperskg says:

      Max Payne: Health boost was painkillers but you couldn’t OD. Max would stop taking them at full health.
      All time favourite in-game audio piece – after the EPICUS AWESOMIOUS IMPERIOUS line “My life for Aiur” – is the reaction of Space Marines to Stimmpacks in SC. After 5-6 shots the marine would take on a swarm of Ultralisks and wouldn’t even flinch. :D

    • Koozer says:

      Aaah, I needed that.

    • BurningPet says:

      Morrowind – you could even get addicted to that darn skooma.

    • Nick says:

      I thought JC got wasted off a forty pretty fast, something to do with his nano augmented metabolism?

    • mwoody says:

      @Buttless Boy:

      You are indeed thinking of Bonetown. Saints Row 2 had no drugs as power ups as far as I can remember. Though it’s been cast as a low-brow GTA, oddly enough, I’d say it’s far better than sinking to that low.

    • LionsPhil says:

      @Nick: It hits fast and clears fast but to really make your vision swim you need to drink several in close succession.

      And don’t forget he’s downing whole bottles in one.

  14. adonf says:

    Wait, these things read from the bottom to the top ? No wonder the E3 live blogs didn’t make any sense. I thought it was because John was jet lagged!

  15. magnus says:

    Criticising it because it’s not the best game ever is rather silly as it’s really not that bad ,there’s much worse out there and unfortunatly it”s almost too easy to criticise it. I’m not bothered about the Metacritic score because I just can’t trust it because the sources it uses for those scores are either inconsistant or very obscure.

    • Eclipse says:

      well IT IS, it’s the best duke nukem ever, better than manhattan project and YES, it’s better than Duke Nukem 3D (well, in a sort of evolutionary sense), it’s full of puns and funny stuff around, even the first few minutes without weapons are distilled fun, it’s not a game for everyone, you need to be quite geeky to catch the most subtle puns, and a lot of them are fanservice. But it’s a really good duke game.

  16. zergrush says:

    I pirated the demo ( that sounds weird, haha ) and deleted it after playing for a few minutes ( right after the idiotic driving, when you get to those mines ). It’s just so freaking boring, the weapons have no punch, the enemies just stand still waiting to be shot, even the shrink ray was lackluster. After 20 minutes I just couldn’t find a reason to keep playing this thing.

    • gavintlgold says:

      Oh, don’t worry. After a relatively short cave scene involving pushing heavy carts up tiny hills and shooting a couple spiders, that’s the end of the demo. Didn’t miss anything.

  17. Kieron Gillen says:

    Up to near the end of Lady Killers Prt 2. So far: Bobbins.

    KG

    • Lacessit says:

      How dare you dismiss the Coen Brothers with your northern slang sir! Satisfaction, I demand it!

  18. povu says:

    With DNF released, I guess it’s time to finally move on to the next game of questionable status.
    Episode 3 where are you?!

    Also, pigs fly today. It’s a strange, strange world.

    • Jonathan says:

      Subversion?
      BM:S?
      Elite 4?

    • Jim9137 says:

      Still waiting on Bioforge Plus. I’ll wait.

      … still waiting.

    • TillEulenspiegel says:

      Is Subversion in development hell? I don’t see any recent news about it, but there’s a “2011?” release date on their website, which is promising.

  19. Eclipse says:

    this game is SO GOOD, it’s really one of the most funny games I’ve ever played, it’s so full of stuff to laugh at!!! I’ve just started and I’ve found a shit-ton of references, meme and funny stuff around, and I’m not talking about the clearly visible one like the posters, I’m talking for example about the Duke Cave computer, that shows the old Energy Star logo on the bios while it boots up, like an old 486! Or the fact that Duke’s apartment is on floor 69, oh and there’s a working pinball this time! the “I’ve no time to play with myself” phrase is recorded on it, that made me laugh, and if you don’t beat the hiscore duke says “I’ve got balls of fail”. It’s an amazing game, crafted with love and humor, but you need to be both a geek and know the duke universe to really get all the funny stuff around, or at least the subtle ones

    • Premium User Badge Okami says:

      Brilliant satire.

    • Premium User Badge Oozo says:

      I had an especially hearty laugh at the second-to-last word there.

    • Eclipse says:

      I was almost serious, the game IS good, but not for everyone… it’s full of cheap-ass satire but there are also a lot of little touches of genius

    • Thecreeperskg says:

      How’bout a game with HU-FUCKIN-MONGOUS touches of genious and litle satire? I’d pay 50 EUR for that..I would even pay 60!!!

    • Eclipse says:

      Well I paid 26 eur for it

  20. Maykael says:

    Moar coverage like this. It was wonderful! Thanks, Alec!

  21. John Walker says:

    In fairness, masturbation jokes ARE always funny.

    • Unaco says:

      True. That one I told at my Sister’s funeral went down a storm.

      Oh wait…. No. It didn’t.

  22. Danorz says:

    was the beer estrella galicia or estrella damm? both are good. on the subject of good spanish beers, try mahou

  23. Ginger Yellow says:

    RPS_Alec: who gets hired as playtesters for games? Masochists?

    I suspect DNF’s playtesters were chosen for their longevity, not their sense of fun. So probably giant sequoias.

  24. BAshment says:

    Duke Nukem: Time to Kill

  25. Teddy Leach says:

    Well, I always knew this was going to be absolutely hammered if it ever got released. And certainly moreso than if it had been released in this state several years ago.

    For what it’s worth, I’ve loved every game in the series, and this is no exception.

  26. otzenGulasch says:

    I really enjoy the liveblogging – but one complaint:
    Can you somehow either remove the appearing/disappearing facebook button or just make it stick under every line. Having text bounce up and down when you move the mouse is infuriating and too much to bear. To me at least.
    also, I hate facebook.

    • FKD says:

      Agreed! Everytime it did it I thought it was actually scrolling down, so I would then scroll back up to try and find where I had been only to realize that it actually did not go anywhere, it was just bouncing up to stick the FB button in there.

  27. Eclipse says:

    “RPS_Alec:
    he has a pool table, but you can’t use it. Bah, manliness denied”

    YOU CAN! and winning at it actually increases your max ego. same thing if you beat the hiscore on the pinball

  28. rammjaeger says:

    Perhaps I should have an annoying self righteous rant about how the game isn’t released in my area yet like the guys on the other side of the pond always do when game releases are reversed :)

  29. Napalm Sushi says:

    Gearbox are a decent dev, they really are, but damn it, they need to realise that comedy writing just ain’t their calling. Both this and Borderlands may raise the occassional mild smirk, but such dusty gems sit amid a cringeworthy landscape of peurile sex/scat gags, cheap pop culture jabs and awkward meme forcing attempts that, more often than not, fall flat on their faces. It’s just heartbreakingly embarrassing that they seem utterly set now on pushing humour as their “thing”.

    • Nick says:

      I thought Borderlands, on the whole, was a heck of a lot funnier than DNF.

    • Napalm Sushi says:

      Oh, me too; the fact that they’re clearly getting no better at it is probably the most disheartening thing.

    • TillEulenspiegel says:

      I don’t think Gearbox are to blame for much of the DNF content. Even after they’d acquired it, it was still mostly ex-3DRealms employees working on gluing together the existing pieces and shoving it out the door.

      They’re to blame for approving such crap, certainly. But probably not writing it.

    • Jason Moyer says:

      Gearbox didn’t write this game. They polished it and got it out the door.

  30. Sunjammer says:

    I love this game. If ever there was a game to separate the snobs from the players, this’d be it.

    • Nick says:

      apparently its snobbery to not accept piss poor FPS mechanics now.

    • gingerpembers says:

      shoot them in the head!

    • Sunjammer says:

      It absolutely is snobbery. It’s like watching the Dead or Alive movie and complaining about the acting.

    • lurkalisk says:

      Nick, it IS snobbery to take issue with things one would usually ignore in other games. People don’t like this precisely because it’s DNF. The fact that nothing could live up to a 13 year expectation just makes it easier…

    • pipman3000 says:

      it’s like playing dead or alive beach volleyball and not having your penis out.

      snobbery in it’s purest form.

    • pipman3000 says:

      it’s snobbery to pinch your nose at people just because they don’t automatically like everything with duke nukem’s name on it you god damn fanboy

    • Nick says:

      “Nick, it IS snobbery to take issue with things one would usually ignore in other games. ”

      People don’t ignore poorly done shooting in other FPSs… especially when it plays worse than a game from 1996.

    • lurkalisk says:

      The shooting, however you might measure such a thing, is sufficient, not outstanding, but good enough. So that’s what I mean, were this a different game, you’d likely find the very same shootiness to be… Well, negligible.

      And pipman3000, you’re mean.

    • JackShandy says:

      “It’s like watching the Dead or Alive movie and complaining about the acting.”

      So you’re saying that it’s so obviously bad that complaining about it is stupid.

    • lurkalisk says:

      Oh, clever you. I think he meant it was similarly snobby, whether or not for the same reasons. But who am I to say…

    • Sunjammer says:

      I’m saying the dead or alive movie had very succinct aspirations and met them perfectly. DNF attempts to be a ridiculous over the top pastiche where the outdated meets the new. The game pretty much says so itself: “Duke, you’re a relic from a bygone era”. There is literally nothing else like it on the market right now; It’s practically Postal 2, and you wouldnt be comparing Postal 2 to Half Life either. The difference is, DNF actually serves up a wholly competent game to go with its full-body nonsense.

      I don’t know what else to say; If you don’t get a kick out of movies like Piranha 3D or The Machine Girl, then you have no business being interested in DNF in the first place. It’s simply not for you.

    • Baines says:

      The Machine Girl is a lousy movie even when judged by “campy mindless ultra-violence” standards. Never mind the lack of a story or the acting, the campy mindless ultra-violence itself is rather poorly done. In comparison, you can have much better campy mindless ultra-violence films. I recommend “Hobo with a Shotgun” for anyone who wants to see a modern film based in the old grindhouse mentality.

      Duke Nukem Forever should have been the Hobo with a Shotgun of FPS, a modern game that loved the mentality of the earlier days of FPS.

      Instead, it appears that DNF was so desperate to be popular, so desperate to be accepted in a modern era, that it blindly copied every other popular FPS made since 2000. Not because the things in those games were good, and not because they fit “Duke Nukem”, but because they were popular games. DNF is what it is because of the all too common amongst publishers and developers belief that to be good, you only need to copy what other games that were considered “good” did. Lost in that equation is the idea of doing stuff because it actually makes your game better. And it is the same reason why so many FPS blur together, because the people making them and the companies publishing them are all trying to run from the same formula, with maybe one or two gimmicks to try to make them stand out, but everything else stuck to some accepted form.

  31. DarkFenix says:

    DNF turned out pretty much as I expected. That is to say I get the odd chuckle out of it being over the top and ridiculous, but the gameplay is less exciting then Paint Drying Simulator 2011.

  32. Zarunil says:

    I played it for an hour and a half and got one giggle out of it. Other than that I thought it was tedious, and the shooting wasn’t very good.
    Maybe I’m getting too old for the humor of DNF. Or maybe it just isn’t funny.
    Here’s hoping Postal 3 will make me laugh!

  33. Tei says:

    So, the game is not perfect?

    Maybe got rushed.

    • Tancosin says:

      Indeed. I think they probably should’ve delayed it a bit, to really polish everything up, you know?

  34. gingerpembers says:

    Pathetic.

    If you’re going to wail on a title that you CLEARLY couldn’t wait to kick, at least confine yourself to a simple blog post, don’t drag your self inflated superior opinion through a pointless ‘live blog’ for the sake of returning page hits.

    RPS, I’ve always loved you, but this is where you join the masses and become sad.

    Shame.

  35. Dances to Podcasts says:

    One for the box cover: “I’m standing in a pretend shower holding a pretend poo. Kill me.” – Alec Meer

    • LionsPhil says:

      They’d include it in fanboy-baiting desperation, since “kill me” is dialogue appearing in Duke3D.

    • RegisteredUser says:

      Finally it makes sense. The entrapped people from Duke 3D were for a brief moment before their death inside the alien cocoons able to glimpse the future.
      They saw what DNF would become..and started with every last ounce of their strength to moan: Kiiiilllll meeeee..

  36. pipman3000 says:

    half the people in this thread are suffering from shitty-game stockholm syndrome after spending most of their lives waiting for DNF.

  37. RedBeard says:

    what is the point in pointing at the intentionally pointless stuff and say “awww this thing is pointless”? it’s intended to be so……. it’s like being sarcastic to the silliness of the intentionally silly humor. (“69, like the sex, clever…” , it’s definitly not intendet to be clever, but it’s clever the sheer amounts of these jokes, it’s a whole world builded around these type of jokes, and it’s very coherent in that)

    this game has his flaws: the “2 weapons only” thing is a pain in the a$$, there are some unfunny moments, like the turret stuff, but definitley NOT the silly and the pointless stuff …..

  38. Laephis says:

    I think I liked Duke Nukem Forever better as vaporware than as a finished product. It had a certain mysterious, legendary quality about it…which has been ruined now.

    • poop says:

      I am trying to decide if dnf is funnier as teh game that never came out or funnier as daikatana 2

  39. Dana says:

    DNF is a bad game, simple as that.

  40. Premium User Badge It's not me it's you says:

    The live blog thing is a cool idea but next time could you please make it so that the facebook button doesn’t pop up every time the message under the cursor changes? Makes scrolling through afterwards really irritating. Also, who the hell would share a single line of text from a glorified chat log? No offense to our gracious hosts but I doubt any one sentence of theirs is that funny…

  41. Nim says:

    *** POTENTIAL SPOILERS ***
    I finally managed to get a hold of a copy of DNF to finally be able to get give my own thoughts of the thing. I never got access to that “first-access” stuff but then again maybe I didn’t miss out on too much. Nor did I ever get to visit one of the promotion events where I could play demo versions.

    As a total fan-boy of Duke Nukem 3d (everyone is a fan of something), I’ve been following the Duke Nukem Forever development for the last four years or so, realizing its troubles I was nevertheless hyped up for it’s final release. Reading the first impressions pretty much crushed all that hype, replaced it with pessimism but I still had to try it. After all I’ve been wanting to play it since I saw the 2001 trailer which I later discovered contained more than a handful of hacks.

    How would I describe Dnf up to the point of just having left the casino? I’d take the Doom 3 engine, the game play of Halo, some puzzles from Half-life 2, blend it and mix in the Duke Nukem setting and serve cold. Certainly a dish that would raise many eye-brows. The game is not the smoothest, using high texture quality and effects with FSAA ( game automatically assigned extreme quality but no FSAA). I turned off Post-processing effects because many have recommended that setting. The game certainly looks aged compared to modern shooters but who would have believed otherwise. Graphics would not be such an issue if it was not for the performance that came with. The game does not appear to make use of resources as well as a modern engine would. Granted, they did last I remember make use of the Unreal 2.5 engine, modified it to the point of it becoming its own engine which then Gearbox further modified when they received the game from 3d realms. Despite all its alterations it feels like old tech holding back performance from modern computers.

    Shooting is ok-ish, I did enjoy the melee punching, it felt very powerful. Aliens were bigger than I remembered. It’s just the mouse configuration which is troublesome. The pre-configured mouse settings were bad. Really bad. Some tuning made for a decent enough (playable) mouse-setting. Only being able to carry two weapons seems to be an attempt to make a realistic game.The build engine did not support realism to any greater degree, sure you could interact with the environment but it was never realistic in the modern sense. The problem in Dnf is that it’s a Duke Nukem game. Realism should get blown out the ass if you don’t mind me saying that. The walk and run-speed limits are a further attempt at this realism compared at Dn3d were you ran around the maps at the speed 60 km/hour (120 with steroids). Jumping further reinforces my point of realism (btw. how did that jump animation pass).

    Levels are fun, I don’t get to drive around in toy-cars in every game or bounce on casino-furniture in any other game. The few puzzles I’ve seen so far has been really fun to do (toy-car, statue, small duke). Sadly the pseudo-Doom3-escue game engine and level design (or maybe just level design) loves linearity. Then again I can’t recall that many modern shooter games with non-linear maps lately (any at all? Help me out here!). I’ve spent considerable time so far looking at the details of the map, despite very blurry textures at places I’ve really enjoyed all the throw-backs to Duke Nukem 3d (art, occasional remixed dn3d music, museum. The NPCs are atrocious and I hate them. They feel out of place, stupid, make lame comments and I want to punch almost every single one of them in the face (one guy is at least punchable) and throw them out of my casino (twins included) from the top floor.

    The health system is a bit weird. You can get down to critical health in two melee attacks then survive another 3-4 hits before dying. I have so far died only once when I got swarmed by hard-hitting pig men. Steroids evened the field on the second try. I love the idea of raising ego and the maximum health can be raised by doing ego-raising things but the switch to fully re-charging health hurts the game.

    Would I like to see somethings different? Definitively! Lots of things, Two-weapon-limit gone as the game currently supports ammo-pickup for carried weapons and supported all weapons in a previous engine iteration. If I worked at Gearbox I’d be strongly proposing this change (and probably end up getting fired as a result :P). Fists as an individual weapon choice instead of a weak weapon melee to every weapon. The mighty boot or fist-attack assigned to additional melee key a.la. dn3d. Health system redone with re-chargeable up to a point and then getting more ego from killed enemies, blowing things up, saving babes etc. Maximum ego-raising stuff should remain as it fits Duke. Enemies should be weaker but greater in number but I fear that would kill the engine.

    In conclusions so far:
    Not as good as the fans say.
    Not as bad as the haters say.
    It’s not a modern shooter.
    It’s not a classic shooter.
    It’s a Duke Nukem Game.
    It’s not a direct sequel to Duke Nukem 3d.
    There’s plenty to love but also plenty to hate.
    (Gee, captain obvious!)

    It’s a weird mix of new and old elements and going into this game expecting it to be the ultimate game will net you the Daikatana experience. Take it for what it is: A game that has been in developing for too long, attempting to change to modern ideas while maintaining its old design and original plan. It’s an aberration really, with a development back story worthy of documentaries. Appreciate it for what it is.

  42. Nim says:

    FFS, I just a mega-comment detailing everything I thought about the game so far. Spent 45 min typing a 1000 word+ essay and the comment system ate it up.

    • Dana says:

      Sum it up in one sentence :D

    • Nim says:

      How about: “Rewriting in notepad, FU comment system.”?

    • Dana says:

      Sounds reasonable. I always copy text to clipboard before posting.

    • RedBeard says:

      totaly agreed

    • Dana says:

      Very well written. What I would like to add, that from what I saw, most of the haters are fans of the original. And most of the people who like DNF, never really was ‘into’ Duke in the first place.

    • The Colonel says:

      Nobody wants to read a 1000 word+ comment. Keep it to a few lines so there can be some kind of discussion. If you want to fully review a game set up your own website.

    • RegisteredUser says:

      Colonel, speak for yourself.

      @Nim

      Nicely done, sounds very close to what I would write if I ever went to play either demo or game(haven’t touched either so far as I am boycotting the 2 gun limit until it is changed).

  43. Very Real Talker says:

    I had no expectation for this game, ugly graphics, slow gameplay, retarded out of place elements like duke not being as fast as a sportcar or weapons having spread (then why does duke inject all that testosterone in his veins if he can’t even hold a stupid gun steady?). The humor seems absolutely retarded. Only redeeming feature is the depiction of women but I’m afraid it won’t save the game.

    • LionsPhil says:

      Only redeeming feature is the depiction of women

      Given how women appear to be depicted in this game, you have issues.

    • Very Real Talker says:

      relax dr phil, it’s just a funny joke and it is funny precisely because it’s sexist (sexism = fun)

    • CMaster says:

      @Lions
      You evidently haven’t come across VRT before. He demonstrated in some of the Bioware sexuality threads that he is not a nice person.

    • Nick says:

      just a troll.

  44. Nimic says:

    Well, I certainly won’t be buying this. I guess I knew all along that it was going to be a bad game. There was no reason to suspect otherwise.

  45. Sunjammer says:

    I don’t even understand what people were even expecting anymore. This game is *precisely* what I expected it to be. What kind of ridiculous expectations did the naysayers have for this thing? OH WOW, A GAME THAT WE EXPECTED TO BE BAD TURNED OUT TO BE BAD.

    When you buy DNF, you get exactly what you pay for; Hours of ridiculous bullshit. That’s been telegraphed since day one. Even a decade ago there were no promises beyond “this shit is going to be stupid and detailed”. I for one wanted high def interactive toilets, and they’ve delivered.

  46. GallonOfAlan says:

    It’s dumb. It looks like a high-def texture pack for a 1999-era shooter. It is a game but it has some illogical things in it, gasp, more news at ten. It’s *really* dumb. It literally has every FPS cliche in the book all in the first three levels – vent crawls, crates, reactor power-up, the lot. It should have come out at a mid-range price point.

    Still like it quite a bit thus far.

  47. mikep says:

    Really enjoying it so far. Absolutely nothing to take seriously, been a while since I’ve played a shooter like that. When I blow apart an alien and Duke says something funny, it makes me smile. Maybe I’m a bad person..

  48. Very Real Talker says:

    I’ve seen a few videos on youtube, not started playing the game yet.

    Random thoughts:

    -it’s an ugly game for the most part. Very brown and darkish. The initial sequences inside the casino are very disorientating despite the linearity of the game, too dark and every room look the same.
    -It’s incredibly not like duke 3d. It seems that gearbox loved duke but were cold or indifferent to duke 3d. They didn’t even try to bring one single element from the 1997 classic. Not the fast paced game play and the agility and speed of duke, not the non-linearity of the levels, were exploring stuff on your own mattered because it gave you some important asset like the portable medikits or more ammo for the really big and really powerful guns.
    -I didn’t even play the game yet I loathed all these stupid debris or 1 foot tall boxes blocking off corridors. I mean if the game is linear what’s the point of blocking your path with 1 foot tall debris every few meters.

    I think it’s a shame that gearbox showed balls with pointless stuff like insulting gays and women or having shit based humor, but they were absolute dickless and ballless gay women regarding gameplay. They just copied the formula of the shittiesters single player mode of modern fpses. It’s incredible. As a violent misogyinist and homophobe, I would have preferred them to play it safe with the insulting of gays and women, while being more audacious as game designers. From what I have seen it doesn’t even satisfy the violent part of my personality, the action seems so boring. And oh god it seems filled with non action sequences and pointless puzzles. God dammit.

    Maybe I’ll still try the game out. I like that in the plot duke is the rebel going against authority, I like that. Again, it is unfortunate that while duke is the renegade hero who is willing to go against the president, the gamedesigner didn’t have the balls to do anything more that copying the worst of modern shooters

  49. Sunjammer says:

    I love how fucking retarded some people are complaining about the depiction of women in this game. How about the depiction of men? This game depicts absolutely everything poorly.