This Saints Row Trailer Is What I Don’t Even

By Quintin Smith on June 24th, 2011 at 12:29 pm.

The fifth Saints Row game will just be a button you press and the planet Earth pops a boner

You know how, with inbreeding, the longer it goes on for the more likely the symptoms are to show? As in, it might be invisible for one generation, but after several you’re bound to start seeing webbed toes and crossed eyes? Yeah.

On an entirely unrelated note, the new seven minute trailer for the third Saints Row game, Saints Row: The Third, is waiting for you after the jump.

So, Saints Row went from a comparatively orthodox thug life sim to this within two games. What I’m wondering is what it’s going to be like in another two games.

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147 Comments »

  1. Spacewalk says:

    Can seven minutes even be called a trailer?

  2. Theoban says:

    I’m looking forward to dancing with ladies of questionable virtue.

    NOTE: Not a euphemism

  3. Teddy Leach says:

    Is it wrong that I want this?

  4. SuperNashwanPower says:

    I was going to become a vicar, but this game has made me realise that there are much better things to do in life. I may STILL become a vicar, but on my first day, batter the front row with a giant purple dildo and then drive a tank through the choir.

    I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD

  5. Sinnorfin says:

    i dont get this game..it blows the weird’o'meter..

    However if it gets to be as fun playing it as JustCause2..

    • whydidyoumakemeregister says:

      I know it’s probably not fair to compare since SR2 is older than JC2, but I never ended a game of Just Cause 2 with a passionate “fuck this game”. I never once ended a game of Saints Row 2 with a smile on my face.

  6. itsallcrap says:

    It’s like GTA4 on acid!

    *Commits Hara-Kiri*

  7. DarkFenix says:

    What a completely and utterly retarded game. I want it.

    Still, they’re going to have to actually make it work this time to get my money. Definitely a game I’ll be pirating to start with to see how it runs (and can you blame me given how awful SR2 was and still is from a technical standpoint?).

    • talon03 says:

      “What a completely and utterly retarded game. I want it.”

      Seconded.

    • Nalano says:

      Thirded!

    • Premium User Badge

      oceanclub says:

      “Still, they’re going to have to actually make it work this time to get my money”

      Yes, indeed. I pray it runs as well and controls as smoothly as, say, Just Cause 2. I must admit I won’t be buying it unless there’s a demo, having been stung before by the good-ish reviews for SR2.

      P/

    • Premium User Badge

      lurkalisk says:

      Well, at least you probably don’t have to worry about the quality of the non-technical aspects…

  8. identiti_crisis says:

    “Rated ‘R’ for Retarded!” springs to mind.

    Also: “Sex appeal slider” haha! ;)

  9. Scatterbrainpaul says:

    I always thought the one thing games were missing were giant purple dildos

    • Chris D says:

      Clearly you weren’t paying attention during GTA:San Andreas.

    • Nick says:

      They’ve had giant purple dildos in games for a long time..

  10. Premium User Badge

    Rinox says:

    So if Duke Nukem plays with a dildo it’s childish, if it’s in Saints Row it’s funny? I don’t get it.

    Personally I found the first 2 minutes of the vid pretty dumb, but then they brought out the jet and the omgwtfbbq cars which looked awesome. :-)

    • LionsPhil says:

      I suspect they actually got that one from GTA:SA, which at one point IIRC had you equip a double-ended dildo for a plot dating mission, which is basically asking you to beat people to death with it because this is GTA and you’re going to be meleeing pedestrians.

      Edit: Oh good, I just looked up slightly. Derp.

    • Nick says:

      and IIRC there was a dildo in the police station shower room

    • alilsneaky says:

      That’s the internet for you.
      It’s cool to hate on duke nukem nowadays (wasn’t back during dn 3d times) and it’s cool to like this game I guess.

      It’s like some weird kind of highschool peer pressure forcing double standards.

    • Daniel Rivas says:

      That’s because this doesn’t look rubbish.

    • Urthman says:

      Just because George Carlin can do a funny routine about farting doesn’t mean that everyone who shouts “FART! FART! FART!” is funny. Execution matters. Saints Row is amusing and DNF isn’t. Saints row takes a purple dildo and does something funny with it. Duke thinks he can just say the word “dildo” and we’ll think he’s hysterical.

    • Premium User Badge

      Rinox says:

      Wel, perhaps, but it’s not like any of us have any real knowledge of Saints Row 3′s use of dildoes other than this trailer. And the slapping of pedestrians with a massive purple dildo is, well, hardly more hilarious than Duke’s interpretation.

  11. Kieron Gillen says:

    What’s a big deal about being able to play naked?

    Oh, you mean the character.

    KG

  12. banski83 says:

    That looked pretty fun actually.

  13. Psico_Payaso says:

    This game is ridiculously AWESOME.

    Do want.

  14. Shadowcat says:

    I’m afraid that RPS has now exceeded its quota for using the phrase “What I Don’t Even” in story headlines. You can do much better than to lazily fall back onto such a daft saying. Thank you. I look forward to different and better daft sayings in your future headlines.

    • Psico_Payaso says:

      ^ what is this, i don’t even..

    • westyfield says:

      Mr Smith, might I suggest “I’m Quinns and what is this?”?

    • Nallen says:

      This is the worst part, not even doing the meme.

      Mr Burns is not a meme!

      Nope.

  15. Premium User Badge

    MajorManiac says:

    I love the idea of getting around town via cannon.

    • LionsPhil says:

      It is the future of urban commuting.

    • Tancosin says:

      Yeah, like in Robots!

    • MadTinkerer says:

      First Secret of Mana.

      Then Super Mario 64.

      Now Saints Row. This is a very good sign indeed.

      (Edit: and once in Secret of Monkey Island. Again, a good sign.)

    • Dozer says:

      Maths stands for Mathematical Anti-Telharsic Harphatum Septomin. You may have used it, if you can fly, to calculate your trajectory to work.

    • LionsPhil says:

      I decided to get my cobbles cured.

  16. johnpeat says:

    Let’s be honest here, SR2 was a far superior ‘game’ to GTA4 (or for that matter, San Andreas which on more on-par technologically).

    In 20 hours of GTA4 I drove a lot of cars and took part in some fairly repetitive missions.

    In 20 mins of SR2 I got to do drive-by hand-grenadings, use a flamethrower – you see the picture…

    Rockstar now make boredom simulators – this is what a GAME should be

    NEXT!

    • rareh says:

      While i agree GTA4 was boring as hell.
      A thing both have in common, is that both were crappy ports.

    • johnpeat says:

      But SR2 got the Gentlemen of the Row mods and GTA4 didn’t :)

    • Bhazor says:

      And two hours later in Saints Row 2 you were… ? Doing the same thing.

      That’s the problem Saints Row 2 removes any reward or progress. It gives you all the toys straight away and then doesn’t have anywhere else to go. GTA 4 on the other was painstakingly paced, always unlocking new weapons, always upping the stakes, always progressing. In GTA 4 getting your first rocket launcher feels important, for the first time in hours you actually have the power to fight against the armoured police. Saints Row 2 gave you one within half an hour.

      I’m glad they’re going in different directions, going balls out insane suits Saints Row and is necessary if it’s going to maintain any surprises or fun after 4 hours in. But GTA 4, Red Dead Redemption and their part in LA Noire show that R* are going the other way. If Saints Row is getting broader then GTA is getting deeper.

      My point is don’t compare the two.

    • rareh says:

      GTA4 deeper ?
      Lets compare san andreas to gta4.

      - The world in San Andreas was incredibly varied, in GTA4 was just a generic boring city, no fields, mountains, area 51 etc.
      - you can’t swim under water
      - You don’t have any aircrafts, except a heli.
      - Shooting has been dumbed down now, cause you can automatically cover, instead of finding cover that is tall enough when you crouch or uncrouch.
      - car customization ? none
      - No territory wars.
      - Lots of useless stuff like going to the internet, which i already can do btw

    • noodlecake says:

      GTA4 is a much much better crafted game than Saints Row 2. The physics are unbelievably good. The only game I’ve ever played that has better physics than GTA4 is Red Dead Redemption. The way the characters react procedurally is amazing.
      Saints Row is more about cramming in as many features as possible. None of them have to work amazingly well because there are so many that it doesn’t matter. GTA4 had unbelievable care put into ever feature. It was only two thirds the size of San Andreas but the city was painstakingly researched and every single building in the city was carefully thought out and lovingly rendered. Unfortunately for them i don’t think very many people really care about their world being believable or lovingly crafted. They just wanna go nuts and use crazy gadgets and stuff.

      The story in Saints Rows 1 & 2 were dreadful, painful almost. Sort of like the cheesy pre GTA4 grand theft auto games but even more ridiculous.

    • Bhazor says:

      @ rareh

      Exactly, its trimming off the excesses and unneccesary aspects and honing the core mechaniscs. The shooting for example is excellent for a sandbox. Enemies take cover, they flank you, weapons all feel suitably punchy, bodies crumple realistically according to Euphoria and it all feels much more dramatic than the equivalent in any other game. Compare that to the floaty gunplay of Just Cause 2 or Saints Row. Yes the weapons are bigger but that certainly doesn’t make the gun play better. In GTA 4 a stand off with two police cars and six coppers is a real challenge that will have you chased across a city stealing cars and hurling yourself into streams just to stay alive. In Saints Row it doesn’t even register, it’s an annoyance not a challenge. For any kind of challenge Saints Row has to throw everything it has at you all at once. That can get old fast when theres nothing else to show you or to unlock.

      Why have airplanes in such a small setting? Why have empty uninteresting mountains and forests just to up the land size? Do you remember spending 15 minutes hiking through the woods because you’d flipped your car and there was no other vehicle or road within 2 miles? Because I do. It wasn’t a fun time.

      Judging by GTA 4 and RDR the focus on R* games is definitely going into narrative and world building not into cramming in shonky jetpacks or ***W@CI<Y*** side missions. GTA and Saints Row are two different series and they are striving for two different goals. It's like complaining The Wire isn't as funny as Police Squad.

    • 0p8 says:

      false reply

    • lokimotive says:

      The one thing Saints Row can learn from GTA, and good God, I hope they learn it, is to put a station on the car radio that plays your MP3s.

    • vash47 says:

      >Let’s be honest here, SR2 was a far superior ‘game’ to GTA4

      LOL no. SR2 is one of the worst games I’ve ever played.

      This actually looks very good.

  17. Pobblepop says:

    I feel I’ve just looked into the computer game wrecked brain of a 14 year old habitual masturbator.

  18. tungstenHead says:

    I like how fluid the melee attacks are. You can perform casual acts of assault and not lose any of your momentum on your way down the street! I can finally be a total asshole AND get my legitimate business taken care of.

  19. CaspianRoach says:

    Rockstar should take note.

    • johnpeat says:

      Under a desk in Rockstar’s offices is a shoebox labelled “the fun bits” – someone needs to dust that fucker off…

    • Stevostin says:

      I hope not.

    • noodlecake says:

      Rockstar should definitely NOT take notes. I don’t want any of this shit in my next GTA game. I might do if I was 12 years old but… no.

  20. Creeping Death says:

    This video just made me realise how much I missed the tank rampages in GTA 2…

  21. LionsPhil says:

    Oh god, the camera angle. I hope someone mods that to straight-on very quickly, because the current misaligned position is incredibly off-putting.

    But otherwise, this looks Fun. And those are some nice, clear, pretty graphics, too.

    • Heliosicle says:

      I’m hoping that was a 360 build or something, frame rate didn’t look great for a game thats out in 5 months, or else it could just be the video, what do I know!?

      Other than that – sold.

    • LionsPhil says:

      Well, those are gamepad controls on screen.

      Along with a bunch of slightly distracting “HEY YOU’RE AWESOME” popups for powersliding slightly. Hopefully they up the thresholds for those or modders get to it.

  22. Moni says:

    Since I played Mercenaries I’ve decided every game should have some sort of call-down-airstrike launcher.

    What a wonderfully belligerent looking game.

  23. povu says:

    More GTA-like than any future GTA game will be.

  24. metalangel says:

    Playing through all of SR2 (side missions included) in co-op almost made me laugh myself to death. Remember the first time you played GTA (any of them) and were shocked at how violent/rude/grotesque it was? The SR games have kept increasing the naughtiness factor so you can be shocked all over again… and laugh.

    “They didn’t REALLY just say that, did they?”

  25. Stevostin says:

    This looks like Total Overdose on steroïds, which is something I never thought I’d say.
    It seriously needs good music, thus.

  26. Nick says:

    Possibly my most anticipated game of the year. Assuming AoD and Dead State won’t come out this year (fairly safe bet..)

  27. Metonymy says:

    So we’re no longer denigrating designers who say “Hey that sounds cool, lets just throw it in?” Are we still asking rhetorical questions? Do we know what the point of this exercise is anymore?

    This only looks good because all of our standards have been chronically brutalized. Unlike us, a few of the virtual pedestrians in that video managed to escape complete annihilation.

    • Mitza says:

      The man has a valid point.

      I agree the game is over the top, but beyond shock value, what else is in there?

    • Nick says:

      its not doing it for shock value, its just random amusement.

    • LionsPhil says:

      There is no shock value here because it’s one big cartoon. It looks fun because it’s one big cartoon and if they can fill that one big cartoon world with good missions then it looks like it should be every bit as much fun as GTA3 was.

      Except with also having a retrofuturistic VTOL fighter that shoots lasers.

    • lonesock says:

      Your post left me chronically brutalized by the inclusion of pretentious synonyms and obscure criticisms.

    • Rane2k says:

      “Chronically Brutalized” would be an excellent name for a death metal song. :-)

    • JackShandy says:

      “I’ll give it to you straight: you’ve got Brutalized. The worst case I’ve seen.”

      “Is… is it chronic?”

      “I’m afraid so.”

  28. The Pink Ninja says:

    I have to say while this all look very cool…

    What I really want is something that makes buying clothes easier D:

    Rather than having to go all over town to buy the same clothes in different colours I just want to be able to buy then then recolour them back at one of my pads

    Could you do that?

  29. Premium User Badge

    Hammelbamf says:

    Can’t wait for it

  30. Premium User Badge

    Jackablade says:

    For a game all about fun and frivolity, it’s still nearly as drab as all the “serious” games on the market. I’d like to see some more cheery colours in that palette when I’m driving my human cannon ball circus car around town dressed as a furry animal.

    • LionsPhil says:

      I think you need to get your monitor checked.

    • Bodminzer says:

      Main character wearing a poster-paint toned yellow and blue onesie driving a purple catface car not colourful enough? Or are you complaining that the roads are grey?

    • Premium User Badge

      Jackablade says:

      There’s some colour in the environment but it’s still got the typical grey brown grading you see in everything these days. I guess the philosophy is that it makes the more colourful characters and whatnot stand out more, but I still would have gone with some nice bright, saturated tones if I were developing this game instead of drinking cheap red wind in my underpants.

    • Nick says:

      Buh? Its got grey and brown buildings, like you see in buildings these days.

  31. Bilbo says:

    The way the narrator manages to keep his delivery completely straight

    Doin’ it right

  32. Tei says:

    Me loves this :D :D :D :D :D

  33. fiddlesticks says:

    Those are some pretty apathetic citizens. “Oh, the guy right next to me just exploded from being punched. I guess I should continue to walk in an unimpressed manner.”

    Then again, I suppose that would be a fairly frequent occurence in the Saints Row world.

    • LionsPhil says:

      I’m assuming they haven’t finished wiring up their brains yet.

  34. Premium User Badge

    Christian says:

    Now *this* would be a game that encourages the addition of an in-game shop for accessories and clothes (not only hats.).
    Hope they don’t go that way. But then again: I never bought anything like that form the already existing in-game shops, so it shouldn’t bother me.
    And the developers just don’t seem the kind to do such a thing. Or would they?

    [edit]
    oh yeah: looking forward to this a lot, as I enjoyed SR2 (after tricking Steam into activate it, fine-tuning it and managing to ignore the horrible driving and stuttering). So this will be a 90% sure buy for me in any way.

  35. Mihkel says:

    Looks good to me.

  36. cauldron says:

    Looks great to me, exactly my kind of games.

    Just a question, is it supposed to be modable?

  37. Garfo says:

    looks real good :)

  38. yhalothar says:

    Excellent. A GTA clone that’s more true to the roots of the game than any new installments of the original series. (;

  39. Outright Villainy says:

    This looks really, really, really stupid. It’s exactly what I wanted. :D

  40. Darko Drako says:

    Just a bit concerned that by making the Saints celebrities they may have removed the enjoyable feeling of breaking the law, or transgressing social norms.

    What is the fun in elbow slamming a tramp if everyone thinks it is cool – I want people to think I am nuts/ psycho

  41. TheJais says:

    This looks incredibly boring.

  42. Tretiak says:

    It would be great with a Red Faction hammer.

  43. magnus says:

    If they get the conversion right this time, I’m buying it straight after Skyrim.

  44. frypiggy says:

    I’m sold. Its only fault which could lead to its demise could be being released 4 days AFTER Skyrim.

  45. Dreamhacker says:

    I thought the correct wording was “What is this I don’t even”?

  46. Drake Sigar says:

    The exaggerated wrestling-like combat was hilarious, I half expected him to use the Immortal Leg Drop.

  47. sinelnic says:

    I love how you can be totally anarchic and blow up everything or just dance with it, but you’re still collecting money and paying politely for your modest desires. Ah social control, what would we do without you?

  48. noobnob says:

    Strangely enough, diving through the car’s window makes more sense than slowly opening the door in a 5-second animation for this kind of game.

  49. McDan says:

    So it’s a game for the mature, discerning man then?

  50. werix says:

    I think it looks great, and not really that much over the top from SR:2, which was already over the top. Thats what was the great thing about SR2, the main character was a psycho, so it made sense when after smoking Loa Dust from a broken light bulb in a cutscene you would go out and beat the crap out of a junkie. As opposed to GTA4 where Niko was whinning about “How I’ve seen some things and done some bad stuff Roman, and I just want to be left alone!” and right when the cut scene is over you can go and mow down 7 people with an AK. If you’re going to make an over the top action world, then make the player character over the top.

    Anyone else think that VTOl craft looks a lot like the EDF birds from Red Faction: Guerrilla?