Impotent: New Cargasm Footage

By John Walker on July 11th, 2011 at 3:27 pm.

Imagine if it looked like this.

It’s hard to fathom Candella Software’s Cargasm. The game so creepily boasts that “players will be constantly exhorted to go faster by a bevy of Cargasm Girls,” and, “if they are fast enough, players can collect these ravishing maidens for their own personal Cargasm Harem.” Then it makes claims of “meticulously recreated photorealistic real-world locations”. But everything released so far shows neither. We’ve seen not a moving car, and perhaps thankfully, none of these collectable women. Today there’s a new trailer for the game, which is said to show off its real world locations. And you can see it below.

The first thing you may notice is missing is cars. Somehow, this far down the line, we still haven’t see a car moving on a road. There have been some impressive-looking screenshots, but in motion things start to look a touch different.

The second thing you may notice is it doesn’t seem too professional. This is the AVI as we were sent it, which I presume has suffered in some way. It looks to my eyes like it didn’t survive a transition from a Mac format (although the upload to YouTube has fixed some of the weirder glitches). But more significantly, this looks to me to be an attempt to suggest some sort of in-game view, whereas it looks to me like a fly-through of a static level via a floating camera. Those jaggedy movement and awkward inability to turn, for instance.

This is then finished off by once again ending a demo of a forthcoming PC game, using PC footage, with the claim that it’s available on the App Store. Well, now, that’s true – you can buy Cargasm for a hefty £2.39 on the iTunes App Store, but of course it looks absolutely nothing like the version in the video (even though they continue to describe the dodgy iOS graphics as being “photo realistic”.

So it’s all a bit strange, really.

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54 Comments »

  1. cathode says:

    1.22 – their traffic cones look more like traffic pyramids. Does not bode well.

  2. Malawi Frontier Guard says:

    Going fast does not make you collect women. This is not how it works.

    Also you don’t collect women at all.

    • Vexing Vision says:

      Speak for your own, boring life.

      Come Minna! Let us collect more women!

    • DrGonzo says:

      I think Charles Manson collected women.

    • thegooseking says:

      Going fast makes you collect women from the appointment you forgot you were supposed to collect them from.

      Actually, going slow does that, too, but going fast has the bonus of not sleeping on the couch tonight.

    • Bhazor says:

      “Going fast does not make you collect women.”

      Too true. Travelling too fast will cause your womens to be shaken loose and you’ll need to pull over and pick them up.

    • samineru says:

      Seconded. I’d be a lot more impressed if I could do something like win over other drivers to some kind of crew/organization, male OR female.

  3. Nallen says:

    Cargasm.

    An EDGE game.

    • Premium User Badge

      Diziet Sma says:

      I was beginning to wonder that sort of thing too.

    • Malawi Frontier Guard says:

      I double checked to see if that was the case.

      The possibility was just too real.

  4. CaspianRoach says:

    Collectable women, just like in real life!

    Also is that supposed to be San Francisco? Looks like they just took a few memorable spots and glued them together.

  5. godgoo says:

    Reminds me of those 3d rendering show reel things you’d get back in the 90′s.

    • Bhazor says:

      Like so?
      http://www.pcgamer.com/2011/03/05/saturday-crapshoot-3d-construction-kit/

      I’m a sucker for these super early 3D programs but when a new game reminds you of it? Yeesh.

    • _Jackalope_ says:

      I had that! I had no idea that it was hard to make a game for everyone else too. I don’t feel like such a moron now. Although my failure to create any games in 3D Construction Kit did convince me that I was an idiot and so I didn’t bother with college. If only I’d read up about it my life could be so much different.

      I much preferred Stunt Island which actually worked and I made some pretty cool films with it. Well, cool to a 12 year old. Who wouldn’t want to see WWI recreated with the Red Baron being defeated by a flying dustbin truck?

  6. Premium User Badge

    Richard Beer says:

    If you could short computer games as well as stocks, I’d be keen.

  7. Synesthesia says:

    eesh.

  8. Squeeby says:

    PHOTOREALISTIC.

  9. Azazel says:

    More games post-fixed with ‘gasm’ please.

  10. darthmajor says:

    So by photorealistic graphics they meant Need For Speed 3 graphics? Dear lord this looks like something from the last century…

  11. Premium User Badge

    Colonel J says:

    “if they are fast enough, players can collect these ravishing maidens for their own personal Cargasm Harem.”

    EA Games proudly presents

    Witcher 3: The Need for Speed

  12. jti says:

    I call these money making scams. You spot them by the promise of boobz.

  13. Persus-9 says:

    I can only conclude that the makers of this game was made by a tribe of time traveling Neanderthals who have never actually seen any photographs but have heard them described as a bit like automatic versions of cave paintings.

  14. Xercies says:

    Those 3d Models and Textures look like soemthing i would have made in the first year of Uni when i didn’t understand a lot of things about how texturing and lighting works

    • Raiyan 1.0 says:

      Can’t wait to see their expertise being put into the modelling of the ravishing maidens. ;)

  15. RaytraceRat says:

    I’ve always thought that by driving really fast you start to collect tickets that you can put into your Colouring Book of Road Offences.

  16. GallonOfAlan says:

    You might consider it photo-realistic if you thought Borderlands was photo-realistic. Otherwise not so much.

  17. konrad_ha says:

    Obviously, this is the real COD-Killer.

  18. Turkey says:

    Worst video game title since Wargasm.

    • GallonOfAlan says:

      At least Wargasm was lifted from a band name. Cargasm is presumably all their own work.

  19. Davie says:

    I don’t even need to watch the video. The Youtube preview image shows the Coit Tower on the top of a cliff next to a single row of houses and Lombard Street just sort of spewing off to the side, surrounded by barren, empty fields. That tells me everything I need to know, namely that for a “meticulously recreated, photorealistic location”, it looks nothing like San Francisco.

  20. Matt says:

    That is not what Lombard Street (oh, excuse me, “Crooked Street”) or Russian Hill looks like.

  21. Undermind_Mike says:

    They replaced my office with a shiny one from Mirror’s Edge

  22. Navagon says:

    2001 called. They said they didn’t want their misogynistic game back. We can keep it, apparently.

    Now I’m not sure if they meant this or DNF.

  23. Persona Jet Rev says:

    Looks great for a Wii title!

    Oh, it isn’t?

  24. Malawi Frontier Guard says:

    Their website is nice, if nothing else.

  25. pepper says:

    They even have a forum!

    Although its dead… VERY DEAD:

    http://lovegasm.com/lovegasm/

  26. Scandalon says:

    Looks like a render of their static model still in Maya/3DStudio/Whatever that’s targeting iOS…and then run through the “Crappify” filter?

  27. ChromeBallz says:

    That’s a spectacular office for this company:

    http://maps.google.com/maps?q=LON+N12+9UG&hl=en&ll=51.615765,-0.168507&spn=0.009646,0.029912&sll=51.526822,-0.065982&sspn=0.009665,0.029912&z=16&layer=c&cbll=51.615774,-0.168332&panoid=HVljhlfT23MignPBswVdcw&cbp=12,317.82,,0,4.4

    I’d bet EDGE has SOMETHING to do with this. Or it’s a case of someone wanting to be just like mister Langdell.

    @pepper

    That forum looks to be populated with their (his?) own accounts. Very dead indeed ;p

  28. Sweetz says:

    Candella Software, isn’t that the outfit that made Rydermark? Anyone who was into PC hardware circa 2006 should recognize that name. Basically anything that comes out of this company should rightly be regarded with suspicion.

  29. molten_tofu says:

    Better call San Francisco – they’re going to have to rename Lombard St “Crooked St” so this game can stay photorealistic.