By John Walker on July 18th, 2011 at 5:31 pm.
Forget about the blah blah Modern Warfare 3 site battle yawnwhocaresfest. There’s some important news (via CVG) that’s come out of the Battlefield 3 camp: a novelisation by none other than Andy McNab. OH YES. Read on for RPS’s world exclusive and completely false excerpt!
How are Activision going to compete with that? A Modern Warfare 3 book by Chris Ryan is the only option. We called it today.
Meanwhile, Rock, Paper, Shotgun is delighted to bring you a completely made up exclusive excerpt from McNab’s Battlefield 3 book!
Andy McNab can’t read, right?
18/07/2011 at 17:32 Nick says:
Well, he’s certainly good at making stuff up.
18/07/2011 at 17:35 Robin says:
“I’m Andy McNab, I’m Andy McNab, I’m Andie MacDowell…”
18/07/2011 at 18:22 Richard Clayton says:
@Robin: Ha, I came to post that, too. Anyway a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BN15mMqyzuc
18/07/2011 at 20:32 Juan Carlo says:
I never got that reference in Spaced.
I just assumed it was one of those British references that Americans don’t get.
I guess I was right as I still have absolutely no idea who Andy McNab is.
18/07/2011 at 22:21 Jubaal says:
Ah Spaced is still my favourite comedy series of all time. *wistful smile*
19/07/2011 at 12:05 harvb says:
Still my favourite comedy of all time and that moment comes to me as soon as I hear Andy McNabb. Or Andi McDowell.
18/07/2011 at 17:35 jellydonut says:
I love this site
18/07/2011 at 17:35 skinlo says:
Quality story.
18/07/2011 at 18:27 PJMendes says:
Could use some more Oscar Mike and Tango, frankly.
19/07/2011 at 08:01 Screamer says:
And some Charlie….definitely Charlie!
18/07/2011 at 17:36 McDan says:
Don’t worry John, we appreciate the *hard* work you put in to give us gems like this.
18/07/2011 at 17:36 Juiceman says:
What would be the point? There is no story to Battlefield games. Well there sounds like there is something about invading Iran in BF3, but I don’t see why you would make a Battlefield novel other than to capitalize on brand recognition.
18/07/2011 at 18:13 fiddlesticks says:
On the bright side, having no defined story means the novel could go any direction, as long as it involves people shooting each other in a vaguely war like setting.
Personally, I’m looking forward to a serious discussion on international politics and the role of government in a multicultural setting, punctuated by killing a faceless Middle Eastern person for spawncamping.
18/07/2011 at 19:28 Twitchity says:
@fiddlesticks: Modern Warfare 4: Multilateral Water Rights Negotiations?
18/07/2011 at 17:36 The_B says:
You forgot to get an exclusive picture of him writing the novel.
John, wear a balaclava obscuring your face while taking the picture, no one will ever know. Incidentally, comments in italics mean they’re invisible to everyone else, right?
18/07/2011 at 17:42 Greg Wild says:
I definitely cant see them!
18/07/2011 at 17:42 Moni says:
McNab can’t read, but he knows people, people who don’t have names because they’re invisible, and also unable to write their own names, but those people know people who can read.
Watch your back John Walker.
18/07/2011 at 17:43 Daiv says:
Chapter 1: We Meet Mans.
Chapter 2: Good Mans Meet Bad Mans.
Chapter 3: Good Mans Are Angry With Each Other Because They Have Manly History And There Is Dramatic Tension.
Chapter 4: Bad Mans Do Their Bad Mans Plot.
Chapter 5: All Mans Do Manly Things And The Plot Advances Slightly. There May Be A Gym Scene.
Chapter 6: Good Mans are Angry Again.
Chapter 7: Good Mans Have Fights With Bad Mans And Good Mans Earn Each Others’ Respect.
Chapter 8: Good Mans Go Home.
Chapter 9: Despite Bad Mans’ Total Defeat, There Is A Cliffhanger.
18/07/2011 at 18:07 Dozer says:
Here, Mr Walker, is your summer project outline.
18/07/2011 at 17:47 magnus says:
If his face isn’t pixilated in real-life then I’m going to be VERY disapointed.
18/07/2011 at 17:51 DSR says:
http://www.modernwarfare3.com/
Forbidden
You don’t have permission to access / on this server.
Additionally, a 403 Forbidden error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.
Apache/2.2.19 (Unix) mod_ssl/2.2.19 OpenSSL/0.9.8r DAV/2 mod_fcgid/2.3.6 FrontPage/5.0.2.2635 mod_bwlimited/1.4 mod_auth_passthrough/2.1 Server at http://www.modernwarfare3.com Port 80
Too bad.
18/07/2011 at 18:22 Mr_Initials says:
It used to link directly to the battlefield 3 website. The link was provided apparently by the guy who bought the address when MW3 came out.
19/07/2011 at 09:02 rayne117 says:
If you’re a top tier Google Chrome user, you see this message:
“Oops! Google Chrome could not connect to http://www.modernwarfare3.com
Try reloading: http://www.modernwarfare3.com
Additional suggestions:
Access a cached copy of http://www.modernwarfare3.com
Search on Google:”
With “Access a cached copy of http://www.modernwarfare3.com” being the most important bit, as it let’s you see the page anyways.
18/07/2011 at 17:51 crainey92 says:
Cool story bro.
18/07/2011 at 17:53 Davee says:
Day-one buy.
18/07/2011 at 17:54 Alaric says:
I know happiness now.
18/07/2011 at 18:17 lucasdigital says:
I say, John, you must have titanium plated wedding tackle to openly scorn a man who has been trained to ‘slot’ people for a living. And whilst Mr McNabb’s literacy may well be called into question, you can bet that his crack team of publicists and ghost
reconwriters have no difficulty reading – and could, right now, be helping him to craft your doom, as well as rather a lot of poorly executed bestsellers.18/07/2011 at 18:21 aircool says:
Andy McBlabb…
18/07/2011 at 18:57 Binary77 says:
Randy McKnob
18/07/2011 at 20:22 Lambchops says:
Blandy McBad.
18/07/2011 at 18:27 Bilbo says:
Yes yes, we’re all cleverer than Andy MacNab
18/07/2011 at 18:45 Teddy Leach says:
But he’s got more men and bigger guns.
18/07/2011 at 19:13 DrGonzo says:
He actually has less men and less ammo! Unless you take other witnesses point of views into account of course..
18/07/2011 at 18:36 Njordsk says:
Mac Naab always makes me laugh.
I guess I’m somehow simple minded sadly
18/07/2011 at 18:37 Cerzi says:
Bleh, Battlefield games. No better than Modern Warfare in my book, they were always un-self-consciously arcadey despite their apparent aspirations of having Andy McNab verify their integrity.
For me it was always OpFlash or Red Orchestra for a realisitc experience, and stuff like Enemy Territory for the unashamedly arcade experiences. Battlefield games were delusional.
18/07/2011 at 18:45 Unaco says:
I wonder, will consideration be given to Mr McNab’s beliefs and views, outside his work as a writer of modern day ‘Commando’ comics, similar to the furore around Orson Scott Card and his work on the ‘Firefall’ story? If we were to find Mr McNab’s views on a topic unpalatable perhaps (the accusations of fabrication, contradictory accounts of the events he has written about, his decision to name dead SAS members, his work in Northern Ireland in the late ’70s, his support for Republican terrorists, his recent backing of the Tory party, perhaps the glorification of violence in his works), would we be right to forgo this game?
I don’t think it would be right, but could be interesting to compare this to the Firefall/OSC announcement.
My biggest complaint would be that he is a terrible writer. Thankfully this won’t be in the game itself (I hope) and instead a standalone novel… If I ever do come to play this, I’ll be able to avoid it, hopefully.
18/07/2011 at 18:46 Teddy Leach says:
Yes, because backing the Conservatives makes people evil. Let’s not get into this. Not here.
18/07/2011 at 18:49 Unaco says:
I didn’t say I consider it evil… just that some people may find it objectionable. And, surprisingly enough, quite a number of people DO think supporting the Conservatives is akin to eating babies (just as some see anything remotely Left Wing as Socialist/Marxist/Fascist, or see the entirety of the American Right as seeking Christian Totalitarianism – is part of the polarised politics of our age).
And, why should we not get into this here? I’ve usually found RPS comment threads as a reasonable place to have such discussions. This discussion is relevant to the article, it’s not massively off topic.
19/07/2011 at 01:26 Starky says:
Meh, only stupid Americans (note, if you are not a *stupid* American this does not apply to you) – or a few crazy brits view conservative/liberal in such extremes. Voting Conservative doesn’t make you evil, or bad, a little bit stupid maybe – either that or one of the top 1% who is actually benefiting from their slash and burn tax plan.
Besides both the conservatives and labour are firmly moderate by American politics standards.
18/07/2011 at 18:45 Snuffy the Evil says:
Poignant.
18/07/2011 at 18:52 westyfield says:
“Gosh!” I cried, “It’s imperative that we slot these fuckers as soon as possible.”
“Can’t… lag… too much… slow you down… on without me.” Dave’s transmission was riddled with static, as riddled with static as the body of the enemy that I just riddled with bullets was riddled with bullets.
I pressed spacebar and leapt over the corpse, just as Chips burst through a doorway to my left by pressing e when the context-sensitive option appeared. The merest hint of a glance passed between us, and we knew what to do, also because Chips stood motionless for a few seconds before the message “hlp bad guys this way u folo” floated above Chips’ head.
Hot on Chips’ heels, I kicked down a door and turned a corner, just in time to get showered with blood from Chips’ head.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO CHIPS WHY?” A scream broke from my lips, a laddish blokey sort of scream, like when a mate pisses himself down the pub and it’s well funny.
“fucking snipers camping douchebag no skill,” Chips types furiously.
I crouched by his motionless body, weeping in a manly fashion, for about 15 seconds, until it disappeared and Chips popped into existence behind me, wielding a sniper rifle.
“i get him now ull see,” Chips signalled with his hand, by typing the message out on his keyboard and pressing enter.
“Didn’t you just say that sniping takes no ski-” I started to ask the question, but before I could finish, Chips’ head exploded like a particularly headlike melon that has just been shot by a sniper.
TO BE CONTINUED.
19/07/2011 at 15:42 Tom De Roeck says:
^made of win.
18/07/2011 at 18:53 Gar says:
Annnnd John Walker wins the day. Well done!
18/07/2011 at 19:19 Conor says:
I’ll be willing to bet two plates of chips that there is a meta reference within the book to the source material, such as “This isn’t a game, soldier!”
And then we will all chuckle.
18/07/2011 at 19:35 Gassalasca says:
Harsh.
18/07/2011 at 19:57 Navagon says:
That was almost credible; but it was simply too well written.
18/07/2011 at 23:12 Tams80 says:
Far, far, far too well written.
18/07/2011 at 20:42 Crow says:
I laughed so hard, thank you RPS.
18/07/2011 at 23:12 Tams80 says:
Bad Chips. One should always know that to not do geography homework is a most dangerous affair.
19/07/2011 at 00:11 Rii says:
I’ll take the single-player campaign of Modern Warfare 3 with the multiplayer offerings of Battlefield 3 on the side, please.
19/07/2011 at 00:26 MD says:
Hahah, nicely done. I’m glad you didn’t let the complainers stop you from doing parody posts. They’re not all to my tastes, but who cares? This one was excellent.
(Incidentally, if you continue this for another 300 pages and publish it, I promise I will buy a copy.)
19/07/2011 at 00:36 Lazaruso says:
Hey, this novel actually looks interesting – but that is not McNab’s
writing style at all. Are you lying to us again, John Walker???!
22/07/2011 at 19:12 Dreamhacker says:
Indeed, it does look a bit Chris Ryan’ish.
19/07/2011 at 08:49 Alien426 says:
What kind of noob says “local time” and uses non-ordinal dates? Eeeeeverbody knows that it should be “zero two hundred Juliet 2011301“.
;)
19/07/2011 at 12:42 Isometric says:
Genuine Class!