Intelligent Design: Primal Carnage Footage

By John Walker on September 15th, 2011 at 12:49 pm.

They just want to cuddle one of these, that's all.

There’s a museum in Kentucky entirely dedicated to promulgating a literal interpretation of the Genesis poem to the masses. And a big part of that, for these hardcore Creationists, is insisting that dinosaurs and humans co-existed. So sure, you might want to weep and tear your clothes at the countless millions of dollars being spent on a temple dedicated to spreading what most would consider ignorance. But then at the same time, this is a place that explains there were dinosaurs on Noah’s ark. Which is almost too good a mad thing to not exist in the world.

Although you could argue that money could have been spent helping the poor and needy, with everyone involved instead watching trailers for Primal Carnage. The latest of which is below.

I understand the “museum”‘s wish. Who doesn’t want it to be true that people were riding around on diplodocuses, and fighting T-rexes with guns? That’s the version of history that should have existed. I say, instead of spending another $24.5 million on building a “lifesize” ark, can we not channel that money into developing the technology needed to bring dinosaurs back to life, just to make Primal Carnage come true? I mean, look:

That’s the way forward.

The game is still in alpha, still being developed by a dedicated team (the always poorly named Lukewarm Media) around the world, often in their spare time. Which makes its extraordinary detail all the more impressive. A beta is coming, although there’s no date for when – you can sign up to it here.

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97 Comments »

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  1. noom says:

    Jurassic Ark?

    (I’m really sorry)

  2. Nallen says:

    “Biblical history is the key to understanding dinosaurs.”

    I’m finding it hard impossible to think of a comparable non sequitur to make a joke with.

  3. staberas says:

    disappointing end , i was expecting he would teabag the T-Rex. ;p

    • Mr. Icarus says:

      I have a friend of a friend of a friend who did that once. Got a nut caught on a tooth.

  4. Vexing Vision says:

    What happened to this sharks vs divers game? Reminds me strongly of it. Looks fun!

    • Pani says:

      Oh yeah! I’d forgotten about that. The clip of the diver hiding in the seaweed for dear life.

    • db1331 says:

      There is no way I could play that game. I have a deep fear of the ocean and all its murderous inhabitants. I would be scared out of my mind.

    • sPOONz says:

      “I would be scared out of my mind”

      Yeah, same here. Ever play Crysis? Swim away from the island and try and reach the seabed. A shark comes out of nowhere to munch you. I found that scarier than playing Amnesia.

    • Balobam says:

      I found that damn shark. I was boating off when the boat on the horizon sunk my battleship forcing me to jump into the water, and I was just trying to swim back when that finny bastard popped up out of nowhere and murdered me.

      Scared the hell out of me.

    • DOLBYdigital says:

      The shark game is called ‘Depth’ I believe and is made by the same genius that came up with the Killing Floor mod (before it got turned into a game).

  5. Khemm says:

    The same story as with Hawken.
    What a shame it’s MP only.

    • jeffcapeshop says:

      yep, i would LOVE a proper single player dino game like this..

    • Wulf says:

      Not so much myself. Seve, in a multi-player game, someone gets to play the dinos. In a single-player game? Not so much. And occasionally I like seeing the bestial behemoth get one up on the boring, generic men with guns. Sadly that only happens in multi-player games, since we’re not ready for it in single-player yet. The closest I’ve even seen anyone getting is Dragon Commander, but that’s a special case, it’s Larian. Larian like their risks, bless ‘em.

      I’d give Larian all the money in the world to keep them afloat if I could, to keep them developing strange, funny, risky games. I want more developers doing that, but I realvise thavt it is va risk, vso I can understand why it’s rare. I realise that, I’m a realist, mildly bittevr about it though nonetheless.

      Thing of it is though is that it‘s much easier to provide playable dinosaurs through a multi-player game. And less risky for them.

  6. Corrupt_Tiki says:

    Looks like l4d but better

  7. gganate says:

    Crazy how much better this looks compared to the last Turok game. Looks great!

    I actually live about forty-five minutes away from the Creation Museum. Haven’t been, never will. But I can tell from the billboards that plaster the highway that they didn’t spend a lot of time being scientifically accurate. One advertisement shows an apatosaurus munching on seaweed, which is incorrect, since sauropods didn’t live submerged in swamps. But hey, what do you expect from a bunch of idiots?

    • rustybroomhandle says:

      At least the guy who runs the Creation Museum, Ken Ham, is Australian. So when people use this to bash you for being a “stupid American”, you can use that as a retort.

    • gganate says:

      Huh, I didn’t know that. But as far as I’m concerned, Kentucky’s a separate country anyways.

    • theleif says:

      Rupert Murdoch is also Australian. Coincidence? I think not!

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      Rublore says:

      I’m not sure whether to be sad that those guys are fellow countrymen, or happy that they both left.

  8. Peachum says:

    I want dinosaurs with feathers dammit!

  9. thepaleking says:

    I can already tell how this game is going to work out for me: spawn as a dinosaur and get constantly destroyed within seconds by a group of shooters up on a roof; spawn as a human and get continually one hit killed by the dinosaurs after pumping 20 rounds into them.

    Basically the same way Natural Selection played out for me.

  10. Eynonz says:

    Well, will this be the game to change the whole zombie craze into dinosaurs?

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      stahlwerk says:

      Well, they are kinda undead already, aren’t they?

    • Capt. Eduardo del Mango says:

      No, I think they’re pretty definitively just plain ol’ dead.

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      stahlwerk says:

      When Hell is full, the Dinosaurs shall walk the earth!

    • indigohjones says:

      I for one see nigh-on UNLIMITED potential in zombie dinosaurs. Imagine some bizarre alien-engineered plague where all those skeleton exhibits grow their flesh back and rampage through the world. But inside, they’re AFRAID.

    • Josh W says:

      Well that’s understandable, if I’d been regrown spontaneously from my skeleton thousands of years in the future, I imagine I’d feel a little out of my comfort zone too. I’d probably run around stomping things randomly, eating food where I could and shouting.

  11. BobbleHat says:

    Watching this just reminds me of how much I’d like a remake of Trespasser.

    • staberas says:

      me too. :(

    • sybrid says:

      I’d second the wish for a trespasser remake, but only if they also made it good.

      Trespasser was the game that taught me that if there’s a dinosaur outbreak, grab a random piece of rebar as a weapon. It will kill anything, instantly… including yourself, should you accidentally hit the ground with it and it somehow bounces into you, because any object that collides with the ground will have a fully elastic collision, because the planet is also made of rubber.

      Also, during a dinosaur outbreak, you will have to stack crates to get to places, but because friction is a lie perpetrated by the liberal media, your crates will slide apart and away. They will do this out of spite, because crates hate you.

      Finally, you will be required during the dinosaur outbreak to carry up to two items at any given time. If you need a keycard to operate an elevator, you will have to drop your gun (because, obviously, the other slot was taken up by ‘random bit of rebar’, the most powerful weapon the human race has ever failed to notice it developed). And everything will require a keycard… if you’re human. You’ll notice that there are still dinosaurs beyond these gated areas, because of course raptors can open doors, and this is an ability that trumps the existence of locks.

      Trespasser was the game that taught me to hate physics (in games).

    • Unaco says:

      A remake of Trespasser? Really? It was a f*cking horrible game.

    • BobbleHat says:

      All the more reason for a remake, then. Personally I have very fond memories of Trespasser; I loved it despite all the mental design choices and shoddy coding. It was a game built solely on ambition, and it’s still one of the most atmospheric and unique games I’ve ever played.

  12. Drake Sigar says:

    Holy fu-cking shit
    It’s a din-no-saur
    Jesus christ
    What the fuck?

  13. Koozer says:

    Jesus Christ (ha!), that’s a real bloody museum, not a shed full of bits of wood and bibles run by a crazy ex-postal worker. My outlook on humanity just dropped a notch.

    • mejoff says:

      Presentation has nothing to do with legitimate museuminess.
      Fundies have funding.

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      Fundies are funny undies! Don’t be stealing my words!

  14. Zetetic says:

    There’s actually a museum a bit closer to home than that, John. At least there was last time I was in Portsmouth.

    Ah, yes:
    http://www.genesisexpo.co.uk/

    • John Walker says:

      Oh my goodness, I am visiting that place the *second* it reopens.

    • yamnivek says:

      Ninja’d! I was just logging in to post this!

      I live in Portsmouth but have never been. I always wanted to go in and ask really sciency questions.

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      Carra says:

      I hope that none of your tax money goes to this museum.

    • Crazy Hippo says:

      I knew Barney was a real dinosaur!!

    • formivore says:

      Tch such poor production values.

    • Nallen says:

      IT’S SOME SCHOOL PROJECTS ON A WEBSITE MADE IN PUBLISHER *mind explodes* Why was I programed to feel pain.

    • Cunzy1 1 says:

      I visited it a couple of years back. The best bit was the sections of the Origin of Species, often taken out of context and truncated midway through a sentence to appear that even CD didn’t buy the idea of evolution.

    • Benny says:

      They actually quote this on their ‘Excerpts from Visitors’ Book 2007′

      “Believing in creationism was forgivable for an ignorant, superstitious bronze-age people. To reject the facts of evolution in this day and age is not. It is the height of wilful ignorance and foolishness. Darwin was right. Mendelian genetics holds the key. The Earth is 4.55 BILLION years old. DEAL WITH IT, MORONS!!.”

      I think they need to proof read their site before going live.

    • Zetetic says:

      Benny, you illiterate fool:
      “As you will see, not all of our visitors appreciate what we do…”

      This is hardly uncommon – embracing criticism as a way of defusing it. Stewart Lee, the stand-up, does it for example, and he, like the Genesis Expo tends to select the more silly examples. It’s both a little humorous – the level of vitriol in the face of calm – and helps discredit that criticism without having to address it.

      Hmm, I’ve drawn a bit of an analogy I didn’t mean to there, given that I like Stewart Lee and don’t believe in God, let alone creationism. I won’t even get on his website, ffs…

    • Mr. Icarus says:

      Anybody else wondering why the tyrannosaurus on the main page has what looks to be a turtle-neck sweater choking it?

    • Zetetic says:

      Given that we have dog coats, if you’re going to claim that humans and dinosaurs co-existed for a period then coats for the pet T-Rex aren’t a massive leap I suppose.

    • Wulf says:

      Wait, really?

      The last I heard from the Creationist side of things was that ‘dinosaur bones were put there to confuse the faithless, but the faithful know the work of god when they see it.’ Or something along those lines. And this seems even less intelligent than that.

      If I were John I’d want to maul some of these people.

      (Which I say ironically. I’m beginning to think I need to leave disclaimers on everything these days. :P Still though, ouch… they’re making me suffer.)

    • Navagon says:

      Oh man, that’s just priceless. I’d love to see all this evidence that corroborates a story so patently ludicrous that if it were a fairytale people would generally consider it a crappy one.

      @ Mr. Icarus

      It’s Britain. Even dinosaurs feel the cold here.

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    Carra says:

    This game needs a dinosaur/men coop mode. 5 men/5 dino’s vs 5 men/5 dino’s. Imagine two guys riding on a T-Rex shooting at others.

  16. indigohjones says:

    Hope they get another female noise for taking damage in there before release. “Unh-unh-unh-unh”.
    In other news, sniping velociraptors? Sign me up.

    • mejoff says:

      “before release”
      lol

    • Wulf says:

      Sniping velociraptors didn’t seem too effective, though. It appeared to result in a a lot of ‘UNF-UNF-UNF-UNF-UNF!’ >_>

  17. indigohjones says:

    Fingers crossed for some kind of Argentinosuarus free-running parcour mod.

    • Wulf says:

      Thaaat would be interesting.

      But that’s sort of what Dino-Run is! (Not specifically, but it is dino parkour.)

      Gods, I love Dino-Run. I want to play more Dino-Run SE now.

  18. deadly.by.design says:

    Am I missing the part where this is actually related to the Creationist Museum? Or is that sentiment thrown in just for cheap laughs?

    The game looks pretty neat, regardless… though it’s obviously missing Cadillacs for true authenticity.

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      To be fair, cheap laughs are the only things it’s good for.

  19. Premium User Badge

    oceanclub says:

    “Am I missing the part where this is actually related to the Creationist Museum? Or is that sentiment thrown in just for cheap laughs?”

    Um, it’s a game featuring humans and dinosaurs co-existing, and there’s a museum set up by whacko who think this actually happened. Seems like a fair segue to me.

    P.

  20. Askeladd says:

    you FAIL

    • blackjackshelak says:

      @Askeladd
      I’m going to take a guess and say that this post was directed at one I made moments ago that was quickly deleted. Probably for the best as it was in pretty bad taste, but I couldn’t resist the temptation.

      Anyway, maybe a proper post now?
      I’m actually looking forward to seeing where this game goes. The different classes seem very well established and well…”different”. They’ve taken some time to design around the idea of opposed classes as well (eg Dino X counters Human Y) and that bodes extremely well for a competitive game of this nature. While I can already see myself gritting my teeth a little at the weapon design, the roles of those weapons are well defined and fit their classes rather neatly. The jungle foliage and the Jurassic Park style compounds look to provide a good mix of environments where you can expect one side to have the advantage over the other (eg “Stay out of the tall grass”). Hunting for dinosaurs in the jungle or assaulting a compound with raptors just sounds like a fun, challenging experience.

  21. cristhianfs says:

    And now I want a Trespasser remake and I’m sad :(

  22. BlankFlag says:

    Needs a third team. I’m thinking either robots or human dinosaur hybrids (humosaurs).

  23. Navagon says:

    I actually appreciate Young Earth Creationists for the sheer awe-inspiring lunacy they bring to this world. They wield a form of insanity so intense even Scientologists can only dream little puppy dog dreams about it.

    So let them have their Ark. I’d like to go and see it for much the same reason that some people slow as they pass accidents. Theirs is a train wreck of the mind. Appreciate the loonies. Life would be much more mundane without them.

  24. InternetBatman says:

    This game looks so freaking awesome. It’s one of the few games that I’d like to see DLC for. They could have packs of your favorite dinosaurs. Triceratops, Stegosaurus, Ankylosaurus… The possibilities are pretty huge.

    • Wulf says:

      So true, it’d be interesting to see some more flying dinos in there too, to see how they could shake up the mechanics with that.

  25. Wulf says:

    And this is how you do dinos. Really looking forward to this one. Orion: Prelude could take a page from the book of Primal Carnage, really.

    • Navagon says:

      Is that supposed to be ironic? Because they’ve taken more than one page…

  26. Jamesworkshop says:

    Lukewarm media

    Y U NO USE CRYENGINE?

  27. DOLBYdigital says:

    Wow, its come a long way…. Looks fantastic, the double TRex at the end was nice!

  28. mollemannen says:

    so do i wanna be the guy with the worhless tranq gun or the guy with the futuristic space marine assault rifle?

  29. Jet says:

    Yep, I was looking for the ‘clever girl’ from the beginning, and at 43 seconds cheered out loud at the stealth kill.