By John Walker on September 19th, 2011 at 2:49 pm.
There are a great many online free-to-play games that we ignore every day. If we did not, the site would be only covering such games, no one would read it, and we’d all be broken, sobbing messes. But I am not a strong enough man to skip past something called Pony Vs. Pony. Not when there’s a song, too.
It’s bloody awful, of course. A really crappy little mini-game somehow imagined worthy of being stretched out into an entire game, as if that will obsess a young mind enough to start wanting to spend real-world money on buying cosmetic augmentations for their little horsey. But when they’re giving away the ability to turn it into a ponycorn for free, that’s no kind of economic sense.
But I draw your attention to it because of this. The song that plays when you get there.
We’re talking about something that competes with I Love Horses.
But I can’t tell how ironic it really is. It sort of drops a bunch of hints, accompanied by some other silliness on the game’s site. But were that to be true, then why would the game it’s attached to be such unironically dreadful rubbish?
It’s very child-friendly, with pony names chosen from a drop down list rather than your own foul ideas. The rudest I could create was Prancing Purple Bliss, so of course I chose that. But then you’re just endlessly replaying the same shitty mini-game over and over, with no discernible challenge or variation. (You can of course play against your friends, but I don’t have any.) Adding a pet makes a fraction of a difference, but beyond that, not much.
Which is DISAPPOINTING! This should have been a game about gruesome duals between angry horses, gouging the other’s face off with sharpened hooves. There could at least be some interesting death animations when you win a match. In other news, maybe I played too much Dead Island.
19/09/2011 at 14:52 Teronfel says:
I am speechless.
19/09/2011 at 15:11 JackShandy says:
Then let me be your voice:
“This is the greatest thing I have ever seen.”
19/09/2011 at 14:54 Vexing Vision says:
Cupcakes! Sunshine! Ponies!
I hate you all.
19/09/2011 at 14:57 sinister agent says:
I think my brain is crying.
19/09/2011 at 14:57 diamondmx says:
I can’t stop listening. It’s an audio trainwreck…
Damn you, damn you all to hell.
Edit: Could this be the new, upgraded rickroll?
19/09/2011 at 15:31 Zakkeh says:
Try playing it multiple times. Open a new link every 5 seconds for 30 seconds. It’s creepy
20/09/2011 at 00:44 adam.jutzi says:
@Zakkeh
I created an account just to say this.
You sir, are the devil.
19/09/2011 at 14:58 manveruppd says:
OK, show of hands: who opened multiple instances of the game’s homepage in an attempt to get a Frere Jacques-style “round” version of the song? :p
In my case I mucked up the timing and ended up with a nightmarish cacophony :(
19/09/2011 at 15:13 Dervish says:
I did after reading your comment. I got two to sync exactly, one verse apart. It sounds alright, actually, especially right after the bridge.
19/09/2011 at 20:52 Wulf says:
UNIPORNIES, DEFENDERS OF HUGS FROM THE SKY.
Yes. I did it.
I’m never doing it again.
Damn you all.
19/09/2011 at 14:58 Gap Gen says:
There must be a market for a game so saccharine-sweet that it gives you diabetes just looking at it.
19/09/2011 at 15:04 sinister agent says:
Five year olds and serial killers.
Not as distinct as you might think.
19/09/2011 at 14:59 mrwonko says:
Fighting is Magic sounds more promising in that regard…
19/09/2011 at 15:00 Out Reach says:
For an alternative pony fighting game of some interest http://www.mane6.com/
20/09/2011 at 00:53 Jahkaivah says:
I wonder if RPS will do an article for Fighting is Magic. Maybe when the game is playable by the public.
19/09/2011 at 15:01 xcession says:
Argh there’s about 4 verses!
Someone needs to splice this audio with something jarringly gruesome. Something by Von Trier perhaps.
19/09/2011 at 15:13 LTK says:
You must have missed the bit about pony flesh.
19/09/2011 at 15:02 iGark says:
That is not a pony. That is a unicorn.
19/09/2011 at 15:05 Teronfel says:
No,it’s clearly a ponycorn
19/09/2011 at 15:05 Eclipse says:
nope, that’s surely a ponycorn. http://ponycorns.com/
19/09/2011 at 15:04 Todpullen says:
In a not unrelated note, does anyone know the best method of removing vomit from a keyboard?
19/09/2011 at 15:40 JohnH says:
Throw it out and buy a new one. You’ll never get rid of the stink otherwise. :o)
19/09/2011 at 15:04 Creeping Death says:
I see your two abominations and raise you this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzYzVMcgWhg
It’ll be in your head all day now :)
19/09/2011 at 15:26 HermitUK says:
But they need to lose that sax solo.
19/09/2011 at 19:43 Koozer says:
Bloody ninja’d.
19/09/2011 at 15:05 Derppy says:
How convenient that it loops, I’m pretty sure half of my brain has already melted and blood is starting to drip out of my ears.
Someone please make a 10h techno remix out of this!
19/09/2011 at 15:05 Chris D says:
Duke Nukem Forever had a multi million dollar marketing campaign and over a decades worth of hype and yet this simple song has accomplished something the massed forces of Gearbox’s marketing department could not.
It made me want to play Duken Nukem Forever, if only to restore the natural balance.
19/09/2011 at 15:06 ReV_VAdAUL says:
For a Christian John Walker does work pretty damn hard to convince me there is no God.
19/09/2011 at 15:07 Tei says:
:rainbowpuke: :2horses1winner: :therecanbeonlyone: :friendshipismagic:
19/09/2011 at 15:09 skinlo says:
Anyway to play it without logging in? Can’t find the guest button.
19/09/2011 at 15:20 Metonymy says:
Just in case anyone mysteriously missed this one, there’s a very different kind of pony vs pony game some bronies are working on
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSlnZxvi37s
19/09/2011 at 15:41 MrMud says:
Pretty great, Applejack is one mean mofo.
19/09/2011 at 15:30 povu says:
Free games? Hah! No real pony fan would dare getting caught with one of those. They play this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L9u0T0AQRI
19/09/2011 at 15:35 Kdansky says:
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Amazing+Horse/
Beats everything for not leaving you alone.
19/09/2011 at 15:41 tungstenHead says:
Pony number 42079. I take solace in that number. That raw number is the only thing that strips the veneer off the drugged-up dystopia. It’s the only way that I know this life is real. That this nightmare is waking. It’s the only thing keeping me from giving in completely. It’s what keeps me fighting. And then they send me fighting other ponies and it all comes apart. Funny that it should all come apart. Because horse hooves are used for glue. Glue should keep it together. Sugarsugarsugarsugar!
19/09/2011 at 15:59 JFS says:
Why do you do this to us?
19/09/2011 at 16:06 Ridnarhtim says:
BEST! SONG! EVER!
Holy crap. Must listen again. And again.
19/09/2011 at 16:22 T. J. McCormak - Parent says:
This is the best game ever.
T. J. McCormak (parent)
19/09/2011 at 16:35 Balhazer says:
The song…. the song
FU CK
is inside my head!!!!
19/09/2011 at 16:59 Fitzmogwai says:
I was hoping for great things, but really, it’s going to take a far better effort than that to replace “I Love Horses” as my ringtone.
19/09/2011 at 17:22 Bobby Oxygen says:
A Gymkata pun? That’s some pretty obscure shit.
19/09/2011 at 17:26 Rii says:
Pretty sure it’s a pun on ‘gymkhana’.
19/09/2011 at 17:36 Bobby Oxygen says:
That probably makes more sense. I was hoping that he was name dropping my favorite best worst movie.
21/09/2011 at 13:29 KillahMate says:
No, I was sure it was a Gymkata reference too.
19/09/2011 at 17:32 caddyB says:
ponies!
19/09/2011 at 17:59 billyphuz says:
Currently working on a dubstep remix to this song. Brostep, more accurately.
I, too, chat with my ponies on marshmallow phonies.
20/09/2011 at 00:30 Matt says:
Just so long as it’s more Hatcha & Benga than Skrillex.
Wait, you said ‘brostep’… never mind.
19/09/2011 at 18:16 Burning Man says:
I have spent the last hour watching, reading and laughing over all manner of pony related videos.
Those goddamn ponies.
19/09/2011 at 19:23 Calabi says:
I cant stop listening, I think I love ponies.
19/09/2011 at 20:24 tossrStu says:
Horses? I BREAK HORSES!
(I apologise for not posting a joke video. Have this genuinely-relevant Space Giraffe video instead)
19/09/2011 at 20:30 Saldek says:
So, this is where David Sarif got his username from.
20/09/2011 at 01:12 JackShandy says:
Ahahaha yes. Sarif is a Brony.
20/09/2011 at 20:20 Saldek says:
Brony!? Aargh, I can’t unread the UrbanDictionaryDefinition.
But, bizarre as it may seem, I was being quite literal – remember the chatlogs between ‘FRENETICPONY’ and ‘NUCL3ARSNAKE’?
19/09/2011 at 20:42 Wulf says:
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Why?!
I CHAT WITH MY PONIES ON MARSHMALLOW PHONIES.
goidasjgdoaihg
19/09/2011 at 20:55 Hodge says:
I think this just replaced Hawaii Five-O as the goto song for game trailer mashups.
19/09/2011 at 22:10 Bhazor says:
I can tolerate this. I’ll tolerate the shit out of it.
My favourite Brony mash up. Quite the thing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVGI6mhfJyA
20/09/2011 at 21:25 JellyfishGreen says:
SHAME ON THE PONY WHO TRIES TO RUN GAME ON A PONY
Brilliant. I watched it again this morning to put myself in a good mood for the day. Thanks, ponies.
19/09/2011 at 22:53 Squishpoke says:
Has anybody noticed pedobear’s cousin, pedokoala in the second picture?
19/09/2011 at 23:17 crizzyeyes says:
I feel like this is what China would probably be getting instead of Friendship is Magic.
That said it was horrifying except for the “marshmellow phonies” part which made me chuckle.
20/09/2011 at 01:18 Mendrake says:
Unfortunately, it sounds as if John has never heard of us bronies. Even the name of the game is directed at the show, and the existance fo such a fanbase makes this game easily possible. If you have no idea what I am talking about, see here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olLDrvc1qt4
20/09/2011 at 02:58 TsunamiWombat says:
Look at my horse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RjMSWhGWak
20/09/2011 at 20:48 devlocke says:
I’ve listened to this way too many times trying to what the word is before “unicorn ponies” – I hear it as “Bimbo unicorn ponies,” no matter how hard I try to hear anything different. Does that word mean more than a.) whore or b.) Mexican brand equivalent to Hostess?
21/09/2011 at 07:47 ShadyGuy says:
i want this song as my ringtone.
29/03/2012 at 04:04 gayylalgli says:
vi nu
.AE really make me as giddy as a little girl XD.
Massive /thumbs to Rolith for this one, hehe.
I’ll share my ID as soon as I remember my Master Account details, my AQW details are saved to my computer so I don’t forget x3. “I am a great wind who will sweep all before me like a…a great wind!”
29/03/2012 at 08:11 dellphukof says:
.AE really make me as giddy as a little girl XD.
Massive /thumbs to Rolith for this one, hehe.
I’ll share my ID as soon as I remember my Master Account details, my AQW details are saved to my computer so I don’t forget x3. “I am a great wind who will sweep all before me like a…a great wind!”vi nu