Gymkhanta: It’s Pony Vs. Pony

By John Walker on September 19th, 2011 at 2:49 pm.

Bleeeeaaaaauuuurrrrggggggghhhhhh

There are a great many online free-to-play games that we ignore every day. If we did not, the site would be only covering such games, no one would read it, and we’d all be broken, sobbing messes. But I am not a strong enough man to skip past something called Pony Vs. Pony. Not when there’s a song, too.

It’s bloody awful, of course. A really crappy little mini-game somehow imagined worthy of being stretched out into an entire game, as if that will obsess a young mind enough to start wanting to spend real-world money on buying cosmetic augmentations for their little horsey. But when they’re giving away the ability to turn it into a ponycorn for free, that’s no kind of economic sense.

But I draw your attention to it because of this. The song that plays when you get there.

We’re talking about something that competes with I Love Horses.

But I can’t tell how ironic it really is. It sort of drops a bunch of hints, accompanied by some other silliness on the game’s site. But were that to be true, then why would the game it’s attached to be such unironically dreadful rubbish?

It’s very child-friendly, with pony names chosen from a drop down list rather than your own foul ideas. The rudest I could create was Prancing Purple Bliss, so of course I chose that. But then you’re just endlessly replaying the same shitty mini-game over and over, with no discernible challenge or variation. (You can of course play against your friends, but I don’t have any.) Adding a pet makes a fraction of a difference, but beyond that, not much.

Which is DISAPPOINTING! This should have been a game about gruesome duals between angry horses, gouging the other’s face off with sharpened hooves. There could at least be some interesting death animations when you win a match. In other news, maybe I played too much Dead Island.

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65 Comments »

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  1. Teronfel says:

    I am speechless.

  2. Vexing Vision says:

    Cupcakes! Sunshine! Ponies!

    I hate you all.

  3. sinister agent says:

    I think my brain is crying.

  4. diamondmx says:

    I can’t stop listening. It’s an audio trainwreck…
    Damn you, damn you all to hell.

    Edit: Could this be the new, upgraded rickroll?

    • Zakkeh says:

      Try playing it multiple times. Open a new link every 5 seconds for 30 seconds. It’s creepy

    • adam.jutzi says:

      @Zakkeh
      I created an account just to say this.
      You sir, are the devil.

  5. manveruppd says:

    OK, show of hands: who opened multiple instances of the game’s homepage in an attempt to get a Frere Jacques-style “round” version of the song? :p

    In my case I mucked up the timing and ended up with a nightmarish cacophony :(

    • Dervish says:

      I did after reading your comment. I got two to sync exactly, one verse apart. It sounds alright, actually, especially right after the bridge.

    • Wulf says:

      UNIPORNIES, DEFENDERS OF HUGS FROM THE SKY.

      Yes. I did it.

      I’m never doing it again.

      Damn you all.

  6. Premium User Badge

    Gap Gen says:

    There must be a market for a game so saccharine-sweet that it gives you diabetes just looking at it.

  7. Premium User Badge

    mrwonko says:

    This should have been a game about gruesome duals between angry horses, gouging the other’s face off with sharpened hooves.
    Fighting is Magic sounds more promising in that regard…

  8. Out Reach says:

    For an alternative pony fighting game of some interest http://www.mane6.com/

    • Jahkaivah says:

      I wonder if RPS will do an article for Fighting is Magic. Maybe when the game is playable by the public.

  9. xcession says:

    Argh there’s about 4 verses!

    Someone needs to splice this audio with something jarringly gruesome. Something by Von Trier perhaps.

  10. iGark says:

    That is not a pony. That is a unicorn.

  11. Todpullen says:

    In a not unrelated note, does anyone know the best method of removing vomit from a keyboard?

    • JohnH says:

      Throw it out and buy a new one. You’ll never get rid of the stink otherwise. :o)

  12. Creeping Death says:

    I see your two abominations and raise you this song

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzYzVMcgWhg

    It’ll be in your head all day now :)

  13. Derppy says:

    How convenient that it loops, I’m pretty sure half of my brain has already melted and blood is starting to drip out of my ears.

    Someone please make a 10h techno remix out of this!

  14. Chris D says:

    Duke Nukem Forever had a multi million dollar marketing campaign and over a decades worth of hype and yet this simple song has accomplished something the massed forces of Gearbox’s marketing department could not.

    It made me want to play Duken Nukem Forever, if only to restore the natural balance.

  15. ReV_VAdAUL says:

    For a Christian John Walker does work pretty damn hard to convince me there is no God.

  16. Tei says:

    :rainbowpuke: :2horses1winner: :therecanbeonlyone: :friendshipismagic:

  17. skinlo says:

    Anyway to play it without logging in? Can’t find the guest button.

  18. Metonymy says:

    Just in case anyone mysteriously missed this one, there’s a very different kind of pony vs pony game some bronies are working on

  19. povu says:

    Free games? Hah! No real pony fan would dare getting caught with one of those. They play this:

  20. Kdansky says:

    http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Amazing+Horse/

    Beats everything for not leaving you alone.

  21. tungstenHead says:

    Pony number 42079. I take solace in that number. That raw number is the only thing that strips the veneer off the drugged-up dystopia. It’s the only way that I know this life is real. That this nightmare is waking. It’s the only thing keeping me from giving in completely. It’s what keeps me fighting. And then they send me fighting other ponies and it all comes apart. Funny that it should all come apart. Because horse hooves are used for glue. Glue should keep it together. Sugarsugarsugarsugar!

  22. JFS says:

    Why do you do this to us?

  23. Ridnarhtim says:

    BEST! SONG! EVER!

    Holy crap. Must listen again. And again.

  24. T. J. McCormak - Parent says:

    This is the best game ever.

    T. J. McCormak (parent)

  25. Balhazer says:

    The song…. the song

    FU CK

    is inside my head!!!!

  26. Premium User Badge

    Fitzmogwai says:

    I was hoping for great things, but really, it’s going to take a far better effort than that to replace “I Love Horses” as my ringtone.

  27. Bobby Oxygen says:

    A Gymkata pun? That’s some pretty obscure shit.

  28. caddyB says:

    ponies!

  29. billyphuz says:

    Currently working on a dubstep remix to this song. Brostep, more accurately.

    I, too, chat with my ponies on marshmallow phonies.

    • Matt says:

      Just so long as it’s more Hatcha & Benga than Skrillex.

      Wait, you said ‘brostep’… never mind.

  30. Burning Man says:

    I have spent the last hour watching, reading and laughing over all manner of pony related videos.

    Those goddamn ponies.

  31. Calabi says:

    I cant stop listening, I think I love ponies.

  32. tossrStu says:

    Horses? I BREAK HORSES!

    (I apologise for not posting a joke video. Have this genuinely-relevant Space Giraffe video instead)

  33. Saldek says:

    So, this is where David Sarif got his username from.

    • JackShandy says:

      Ahahaha yes. Sarif is a Brony.

    • Saldek says:

      Brony!? Aargh, I can’t unread the UrbanDictionaryDefinition.
      But, bizarre as it may seem, I was being quite literal – remember the chatlogs between ‘FRENETICPONY’ and ‘NUCL3ARSNAKE’?

  34. Wulf says:

    FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Why?!

    I CHAT WITH MY PONIES ON MARSHMALLOW PHONIES.

    goidasjgdoaihg

  35. Premium User Badge

    Hodge says:

    I think this just replaced Hawaii Five-O as the goto song for game trailer mashups.

  36. Bhazor says:

    I can tolerate this. I’ll tolerate the shit out of it.

    My favourite Brony mash up. Quite the thing.

    • JellyfishGreen says:

      SHAME ON THE PONY WHO TRIES TO RUN GAME ON A PONY

      Brilliant. I watched it again this morning to put myself in a good mood for the day. Thanks, ponies.

  37. Squishpoke says:

    Has anybody noticed pedobear’s cousin, pedokoala in the second picture?

  38. crizzyeyes says:

    I feel like this is what China would probably be getting instead of Friendship is Magic.
    That said it was horrifying except for the “marshmellow phonies” part which made me chuckle.

  39. Mendrake says:

    Unfortunately, it sounds as if John has never heard of us bronies. Even the name of the game is directed at the show, and the existance fo such a fanbase makes this game easily possible. If you have no idea what I am talking about, see here:

  40. TsunamiWombat says:

    Look at my horse

  41. devlocke says:

    I’ve listened to this way too many times trying to what the word is before “unicorn ponies” – I hear it as “Bimbo unicorn ponies,” no matter how hard I try to hear anything different. Does that word mean more than a.) whore or b.) Mexican brand equivalent to Hostess?

  42. ShadyGuy says:

    i want this song as my ringtone.

  43. gayylalgli says:

    vi nu
    .AE really make me as giddy as a little girl XD.
    Massive /thumbs to Rolith for this one, hehe.
    I’ll share my ID as soon as I remember my Master Account details, my AQW details are saved to my computer so I don’t forget x3. “I am a great wind who will sweep all before me like a…a great wind!”

  44. dellphukof says:

    .AE really make me as giddy as a little girl XD.
    Massive /thumbs to Rolith for this one, hehe.
    I’ll share my ID as soon as I remember my Master Account details, my AQW details are saved to my computer so I don’t forget x3. “I am a great wind who will sweep all before me like a…a great wind!”vi nu