The Real Battlefield Has Purple Dildos

By Jim Rossignol on October 18th, 2011 at 1:40 pm.

Yes.
Saints Row The Third – a game that has been distilled from the boiled nightmares of Daily Mail readers – fears nothing in its ambition to mock and satirise the whole of existence. The massive moving targets of the monolithic military shooters that are currently trundling toward us on the hype-train are easy pickings for the Volition crew, as you can see below. Saints Row’s Shock And Awesome trailer is just another reason why this might be worth getting. (Calling in air-strikes while wearing a top hat made it for me.) Stupid. Clever stupid.

When? November 15th for North America, November 18th for the Europe.

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95 Comments »

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  1. CaspianRoach says:

    Subtle. Not.

    • mondomau says:

      Shhyah, and monkey’s might fly out of my butt!

      Sorry, I thought we were doing Wayne’s World.

    • zeekthegeek says:

      If it were subtle it wouldn’t be an effective or representative Saints Row trailer.

  2. tungstenHead says:

    There’s a part of me that really, really, really hates watching these trailers because it feels like they’re playing their trump cards.

    Then there’s a part of me that really, really, really loves watching these trailers because it feels like they’re trumping my card.

    If you get my meaning.

    I kinda hope you don’t.

    • h4mst4h says:

      Wish granted.

    • Ed123 says:

      I’d trump their…card…any…day?

    • mwoody says:

      I understand and even agree. Part of the fun in these games is starting out straight-faced, then just being open-mouthed at where the game takes you. Like, SR2 felt at first like a GTA clone, and then just went… off. Gloriously off. This one starts with you expecting floating aircraft carriers and manapults. As much as I love the series and as hard as I have it preordered, I just don’t see myself getting involved in a world that’s clown-y from minute one.

      Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised. Who knows.

    • Halloween Jack says:

      You just lay that queen of spades on me. Right… on… top… of me.

  3. Syra says:

    I played the first one, and wtf it was like a GTA rip off…. what the hell happened?

    • Hiphoppington Hippo says:

      Magic happened. Beautiful magic.

    • Premium User Badge

      FriendlyFire says:

      GTA got serious.

    • Dominic White says:

      The first game was an awkward, kinda offensive GTA clone.

      The second game made things more cartoonish and more over-the-top, as Volition started to realise just what the average gamer wants in a sandbox game.

      The third? Well, they’ve just gone full-on crazy. And that’s a grand thing.

    • Dana says:

      If only GTA4 was a GTA ripoff.

    • mejoff says:

      No, no, it’s good, GTA does the ‘realism’ and gritty storytelling, SR does the whacked out catharsis, both needs are catered for, everybody wins.

    • ScottTFrazer says:

      I just got done with another playthrough of The Ballad of Gay Tony. I’m honestly kind of sad Rockstar didn’t do more in the GTA IV world. There’s a ton of untapped potential there. No one does movie homages quite like Rockstar.

      That said, I’m quite excited about SR3, although the release timing is… poor. I understand there are a couple of other open world games releasing around the same time?

    • Premium User Badge

      phuzz says:

      Mind you, my best description of just Cause 2 was “you know in GTA when you get bored and just go on a rampage. That, but for a whole game”.
      So I hope there’s room for two ‘crazy side of GTA’ games out there (I think there is)

    • Roshin says:

      Yeah, GTA went all serious and Saint’s Row went in the opposite direction. Far, far in the opposite direction.

    • malkav11 says:

      That’s a nicely apt way of describing Just Cause 2, which perfectly sums up why I couldn’t sustain more than a few hours interest in the game. I don’t get more than a few minutes’ entertainment out of simple rampaging in GTA either.

  4. Sp4rkR4t says:

    Is this one going to be playable, because that would be nice.

    • Capt. Eduardo del Mango says:

      Amen. I’ll get interested when I know it actually runs properly on a PC.

    • Tuskin38 says:

      Well this time around the PC port is being done In-house, they’re not pushing it onto a Third party.

      There was a picture somewhere of it working with 3 Monitors.

      And ATI/AMD already has a Compatibility profiles on their driver site.

    • kimadactyl says:

      It’s always run perfectly for me… are there known bugs? It’s one of the few games that’s run reliably on any wreck I’ve put it on. Weird.

  5. TLGAthena says:

    Saint’s Row the third – What happens when the developers are let off the leash and the management goes off on holiday for a year or two.

    The scary part is, it may prove more fun than the crop of ModernBattleWarField games.

    • kimadactyl says:

      Why would that be scary?

    • Orija says:

      Because then publishers will start putting purple dildos in all of their games.

    • Wizlah says:

      Let’s be clear. Only violition have the class and sophisticated game sensibility to tastefully use purple dildo mayhem in a video game. See if EA tried that? it would be bland as fuckery. And if Activision tried it, it would just come across like a squalid and cheap attempt to get more money out of you.

    • Orija says:

      Don’t forget all the DLC nuisance with Dildo Packs and recycled maps where just the vegetation has been replaced with dildos.

    • Shooop says:

      Would that be a bad thing?

    • TLGAthena says:

      Consider the concept that Saints Row 3 happens to be the standout game of the winter season, head and shoulders above the dull dull dull shooters that EA and Acti are trying to foist upon the teenage ritalin junkie crowd.

      The lesson learnt will be, as mentioned above : “Needs more purple dildos”

    • DrGonzo says:

      This looks like a ritalin taking teenagers dream game.

    • passingstranger says:

      It’s really fun to see a game that is so fantastically far from taking itself seriously.

      The fact that the first official screenshot released for the game was of a man chasing a pedestrian with a giant purple dildo told me everything I needed to know. It told me that I will buy it.

  6. Premium User Badge

    Stense says:

    Right then. I saw a neurologist today and, feeling rather groggy and under the weather, had a brain scan and as such I’ve been questioning my reality a little bit so can I just clarify something. I did actually see this right? I wasn’t just imagining the hover cycle thingies, bunny suit RPG shooty man, rickshaw gun fights and creepy smiley pop up face thing at the end was I?

    • Premium User Badge

      TheJimTimMan says:

      If you are imagining it, I want to live in your imagination. It seems like a fun place.

    • Kollega says:

      Yes, you did actually see this. Along with a handheld laser cannon and airborne aircraft carrier. And it is AWESOME.

      I don’t care if THQ are set to “DLC our pants off”, so to speak. Day one purchase. I’ll even get a collector’s edition if i can – autotuned headset sounds like fun. Crazy, crazy fun.

      (Update: Platinum Edition, one with the autotuned headset, is console-only. Awwww. And a little odd, since the headset is not compatible with consoles.)

    • finec says:

      I could tell you that everything you just watched was in fact, reality. However, if you DID imagine what you watched in that video- what’s to stop you from imagining these comments you are reading RIGHT now? THE SKY IS PURPLE. YOUR MOTHER IS AN ELEPHANT AND OH GOD NO WHY ARE THE MONKEYS IN YOUR HAIR AGAIN.

    • Premium User Badge

      Stense says:

      I’ll have you know that those monkeys are the must have fashion item this season.

    • shaydeeadi says:

      That headset only works with phones apparently, which is devastating as I would of purchased that if it cost £200 otherwise. Would be so epic.

    • Dozer says:

      Baroness Greenfield was right. Exposure to videogames has destroyed part of your brain.

  7. Inigo says:

    And if you’re really, really lucky some of that might not be DLC.

  8. Premium User Badge

    TheApologist says:

    This is obviously the best headline ever.

  9. kimadactyl says:

    Saints Row 2 is one of my favourite games of all time, got it in the Steam sale for £2 then found it actually amazingly self aware, engaging and well written, with perhaps the most inclusive + diverse character generator of any game I’ve played. You get addressed the same way if you’re a 7 foot overweight woman with a mohawk or a tiny elderly asian gentleman on a pushbike – very refreshing for people who don’t fit the straight white guy bracket. Also pink riot vans with nitro packs are hillarious. Looking forwards to this.

    • Sabre_Justice says:

      Or if you’re a straight white guy that’s sick of straight white guys starring in everything ever. I mean really, do they think I’ll identify with some meathead just because he’s vaguely the same pigment and orientation?

    • mejoff says:

      Guys, guys, it’s not about who we are, it’s about what we all aspire to be…

  10. Sabre_Justice says:

    Holy shit, STAG has a Helicarrier. Now I’ll be waiting for Captain America to show up.

    • westyfield says:

      Captain Scarlet, surely? If only those VTOLs looked a bit more like Spectrum Interceptors.

  11. jack4cc says:

    But.. will it still be fun after 5 minutes ?

    • Urthman says:

      When they showed the heli-carrier, I had this sudden feeling of, “OMG, what if–somehow–they’ve figured a way to give you all this overpowered insanity and still present you with a fun challenge.”

      Probably not, but for just a second there they tricked my brain into imagining that this is an impossibly awesome game. So, nice job on the trailer.

    • Thunderbeak says:

      Exactly.

    • LionsPhil says:

      This is the concern.

      On the other hand, thoughts on trailer went from “how does hand-drawn wooden cart explode?” to “OMIGOSH SKYBASE”.

  12. Premium User Badge

    Bluerps says:

    This game seems to contain enough content for five games. And on top of that, all of that content is completely insane. So much insanity means that buying this is mandatory for me.

  13. Wizlah says:

    I’m currently playing Saints Row 2, and enjoying it to fuckery. The dialogue from the supposedly french person on the demented shit spraying machine hooked me. Finding out that my character (an ageing 50s gangster momma with all over body tats and a purple beehive) could streak everyone just because was even funner. I mean, sometimes she’s classy and all, other times, she just want to run naked waving, her aged tattooed knockers in everyone’s face. Who wouldn’t?

    I am currently trying to hijack one of those attack helicopters by blowing loads of shit up, hopping into one of my helicopters, taking off fast, then skydiving onto the attack helo.

    It has not worked yet, but it will.

    • Wizlah says:

      Also, and this is important to remember, you can never have too many top hats and sunglasses combos when indulging in mayhem, especially mayhem of the naked variety. For this reason alone, I look forward to Saints Row 3 on the basis of the above trailer.

      Hey, I just thought. do they have waistcoats in SR2? I need a waistcoat.

    • Halloween Jack says:

      …I think you just sold me the game.

  14. godgoo says:

    It’s a silliness sim.

  15. S.T.A.L.K.E.R. says:

    Considering how well Red Faction I can never spell Armageddon correctly without spellcheck ran on my rig I have high hopes for the 2nd In-House PC game from Volition.

  16. PodX140 says:

    But but but… It’s after november 11th… How am I supposed to stay remotely in character when something this stupidly fun comes out? I’ll go back into Skyrim trying to fly using a flamethrower spell pointed at the ground or something…

    AKA: Stupidly fun game will be stupidly fun, but bad timing for me :P

  17. Icarus says:

    Really makes me wish that Saints Row 2 ran on my PC now :( Sadly I am a victim of the crash-to-desktop every time it tries to save.

  18. Wizlah says:

    I wish I hadn’t seen this video. I’m having to try really hard not to be distracted from work because I’m behind and have a big deadline looming and all my brain wants to do is blow things up in SR2.

  19. Owain_Glyndwr says:

    Looks great, but when people who want to know whether games are a mature art form yet come a knockin’, the 98% of us who own this game should all just quietly pretend it doesn’t exist.

    • Wizlah says:

      wanton stupidity, well-executed, is an art form too. I refer you to the marx brothers, sir.

    • V. Profane says:

      My Crank 2 Blu-ray is sat right next to my Kubrick.

    • Owain_Glyndwr says:

      @Wizlah Hmm, good point. I’m still going to feel guilty playing it though.

    • Urthman says:

      When the “But are games art that a mature adult can enjoy without embarrassment?” people come knocking, the whatever percent of us who love this game will be reminded why those people should be completely ignored.

  20. caddyB says:

    I hope there won’t be purple dildos in Freespace III.

    Who am I kidding, there won’t be a Freespace III.

    • Xtinction says:

      Never lose hope. When they rack in the big bucks, that’s the day they can resurrect their pet project…

      Or so I hope…

  21. WhataShame says:

    Why is this game still month away? Why!?

    Anyway, wanted to say that one little thing I absolutely loved in Saints Row 2 was that the insane (and hilarious) radio ads actually fit the world of the game, unlike that other game.

  22. Luckz says:

    Americans, buy this for $40 on Amazon (Steam & Genki) or from THQ for $50 (Steam & Genki & 3 extra DLCs “valued at $20 or more”) instead of on Steam.

    • Fierce says:

      Hey, could I get a little clarification on this?

      What exactly does Amazon sell you when you purchase a digital download from them? Is it an actual download or is there just an email with a CD-Key you input into a digital download service such as Steam?

      I ask this because I have the opportunity to save $15 on BF3 via Amazon if I get a friend in the US to purchase it for me, send me the code, and I pay him back. I can’t save this $15 on my own because I’m in Canada. (Wish there was a No Oceans on the Internet campaign for THIS too…) So my concerns are that my US friend not inadvertently buy two copies of the game, or even worse, gets me a CD-Key for Origin that is region locked to US IPs or something crazy like that and the only way to know is to find out the hard way. This goes double for Steam and Steamworks titles.

      Any experienced insight?

  23. DickSocrates says:

    There is decent change this still run better than 2 as it isn’t outsourced and botched this time, but done in-house by Volition. I can’t imagine it will run worse than GTAIV. The dodgy port/CPU hungry nature of GTAIV doesn’t seem to be a factor as I doubt the physics are anywhere near as detailed (nor do they need to be in this type of game).

    *prays to Gargamel this runs ok*

    • WhataShame says:

      Red Faction port from Volition was REALLY good. FPS solid as a rock, good textures, DX11 features and all that. Too bad the game itself sucked, but in case of Saints Row you don’t need to worry about that. They also say that The Third isn’t a port at all, but is a version developed alongside its console brothers.

  24. mwoody says:

    It’s still $10 off (making it $40) on Amazon digital download. Since it’s a Steamworks game, it shouldn’t matter where you get it.

    I am a little worried about the port, of course, and I hope we get reviews early enough before launch to know if I need to cancel this and sadly opt for the console version.

  25. Dominic White says:

    If the ultimate reward for completing the story missions isn’t getting the SHIELD.. err.. STAG helicarrier to use as your new base/evil lair, I will be a sad panda.

  26. Frosty840 says:

    Can’t watch the video right now, but those look like the kind of Japanese fighter jets that transform into giant, stompy robots…

    Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

    • MSJ says:

      Hah, even I think of “Jetfire” when I first saw the VTOL jet.

  27. Aaarrrggghhh says:

    THAT was the most amazing trailer I have seen this year. At least in the “fun” category.
    The TotY trophy surely goes to Dead Island.

  28. aircool says:

    My dad reads the Daily Mail… he has no problems letting his friends kiddiwinks play Call of Duty and the like on his PC.

    In fact, my mum reads the daily mail as well. Never put her off playing Rollercoaster Tycoon though.

    What is this ‘Daily Mail’? Sounds like some sort propaganda by that bastard of honesty and decency; The Guardian.

    Still, Saints Row 2 was good fun.

  29. jonfitt says:

    Wait, what is this game. I thought Saint’s Row was a GTA clone with ludicrous gang bangers, and terrible music. This looks… fun.

  30. Shooop says:

    This and Serious Sam may be the most fun you can have sitting at a desk all year.

  31. deadly.by.design says:

    That can’t be a modern Battlefield game because it isn’t BLINDINGLY BRIGHT.

  32. Sassenach says:

    Has there been any confirmation on this about whether coop is still limited to two players as per Saints Row 2 or if it allows for larger groups? Two player coop was a lot of fun, but there were occasions when being able to add a third or fourth would have been nice.

  33. Koozer says:

    What’s Spectrum’s Cloud Base doing in hthere?

  34. Premium User Badge

    cairbre says:

    Was that Total Biscuit with the top hat calling in the airstrike! I know he likes his top hats

  35. Navagon says:

    I don’t know if I’ll enjoy this game or if the sheer weight of possibilities thrust upon the player will make it too unchallenging to do all this crazy stuff to the point where any notion of it being a game is lost completely – along with my interest. I love sandboxy games. But if it’s all just handed to me then I can see me losing interest. Purple dildos should be earned.

  36. andytt66 says:

    I am so very tired of this THQ/Steam arsing-around. Just let me buy the bloody thing on steam, geez..

  37. Fierce says:

    Ok, since I couldn’t get a reply to this, maybe a fresh post will have better luck.

    I’m looking for clarification on the purchasing of games, Steamworks or otherwise, via Amazon digital download options.

    What exactly does Amazon sell you when you purchase a digital download from them? Is it an actual download or is there just an email with a CD-Key you input into a digital download service such as Steam to get the game?

    I ask this because I have the opportunity to save $15 on BF3 via Amazon if I get a friend in the US to purchase it for me, send me the code, and I pay him back. I can’t save this $15 on my own because I’m in Canada. (Wish there was a No Oceans on the Internet campaign for THIS too…) So my concerns are that my US friend not inadvertently buy two copies of the game, or even worse, gets me a CD-Key for Origin that is region locked to U.S. IPs or something crazy like that and the only way to know is to find out the hard way. This goes double for Steam and Steamworks titles.

    Any experienced insight on this?

  38. mondomau says:

    Glee!

  39. Premium User Badge

    Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    I didn’t want this.

    I saw the trailer.

    I NEED THIS.

  40. Casimir's Blake says:

    Just saw this trailer in HD on Sky, they’re showing it on the movie channels at least. On a 42″ plasma screen it looked rather spiffy I can tell you.

    Even this dungeon crawling fanatic adored Saints Row 2 (when not driving, the driving on PC was completely fucked by dodgy code, apparently), I look forward to SR3 very much. But I hope they retain the caliber of writing and voice acting as SR2 where it was surprisingly decent.

  41. buzzmong says:

    0.58

    Jet Hover Bikes.

    TAKE MY MONEY.

  42. YanDaik says:

    pink != cool

  43. Dances to Podcasts says:

    Love is a battlefield.