Oh My Goodness, It’s Offroad Parking

By John Walker on November 7th, 2011 at 4:12 pm.

FUCKING HELL!

If you know me, you’ll know I’m an adrenalin junkie. I can’t just sit still at a desk all day. I have to get up, leave the house, and do something death-defying, something all-out crazy. Like parallel park. But now perhaps I can combine both sitting at a desk and the raw octane thrill of neatly putting a car into an empty parking space, via Offroad Parking. A game I am absolutely delighted to report, is only but one of a series of parking games from Car Titans.

All too often car driving games are about the racing, high speeds, and spectacular crashes, forgetting about the crucial importance of neatly stopping. But thank goodness for Car Titans, who so adequately fill the niche that the rest are, frankly, too scared to even try to achieve.

Even their own PR department is too scared to admit what they’re really doing here, pretending it’s about crashing and bashing, when it’s no such thing.

“Drive a Porsche Cayenne with huge wheels over some other cars and then park your monster truck like a boss! Offroad Parking is the latest online parking game from CarTitans.com and it has 6 levels.”

You can, thank goodness, do no such thing with your monster truck. Even if you were to tap another car with the delicacy of a fairy’s wing, it’ll knock a good 10% off your car’s health. There’s certainly no driving over anything. Because that would be absolutely improper. No no no, here you must evade every vehicle, fence, cardboard box and wisp of dust if you’re to safely reach the large P-marked box.

With six levels, it’ll last you around five minutes, which is the perfect length as any longer would have you slamming screwdrivers into your ears to get away from the incessantly looping guitar riff.

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22 Comments »

  1. Josh04 says:

    Your car is to damaged!

  2. Teddy Leach says:

    Oh blimey.

  3. Kdansky says:

    The titanium breaking system which stops your car the instant you let go of the gas is what makes it really brilliant.

  4. westyfield says:

    DA NANANANA NA NA NANA NA NA
    DA NANANANA NA NA NANA NA NA

  5. ontbijtkoek says:

    Are those the gta 2 car sprites?

    • Koozer says:

      VERY similar, but I don’t think they’re the same. I’d remember that Viper anywhere!

  6. Cooper says:

    There’s a version where you have to park and articulated lorry. It’s AMAZING.

    Fuck this doctorate lark, I’m gonna buy me a truck.

  7. johnpeat says:

    An award for the worst website ever linked-from RPS?

  8. Durkonkell says:

    Ah! Finally a parking simulation that will allow me to demonstrate my elite parking skills to my friends and family without venturing outside! They will surely appreciate that I am a master* of placing my vehicle into a parking space regardless of what obstructions surround it!

    An exhilarating, transcendent game experience.

    Wait, no, that other thing! Catastrophically terrible, that’s it. Not only are all the other vehicles ALSO monster trucks making them un-drive-overable, they appear to be made of solid steel while your vehicle is made only from damp cardboard. Additionally there are traffic cones scattered around the place, but these are giant (and therefore un-drive-overable), made of solid osmiridium and fused into the ground. One set of these traffic cones – or deadly cones of destruction as I prefer to call them – is placed in such a location on the last level that one can easily become stuck just before the parking space and attempting to move in any direction destroys your vehicle. Have I mentioned that these cones are covered with unimaginably sharp spikes?

    I persisted and completed it in the hope that the ending would give me something to mock, perhaps something that can surpass Big Rigs’ “You’re Winner!”. Regrettably, it presented me with the disappointingly correctly spelled “Congratulations! You finished the game!”.

    And now not only have I wasted 5 minutes I could have spent making The Last Days work with my steam version of Mount&Blade, but I have wasted additional time writing this post to vent my RIGHTEOUS FURY at the very existence of this thing. This is your doing, John Walker. We must fight a duel.

    *I am not.

    • rayne117 says:

      Shortly after writing this comment, Durkonkell’s car became to damaged.

  9. iainl says:

    Burnout Paradise’s parallel parking achievement is better. As was Juggernaut on the Spectrum, and the parking bits of Eighteen Wheeler. Wow, I’m negative.

    • Bob_Bobson says:

      Juggernaut was brilliant even though I was terrible at it. Reversing a truck without jack-knifing it was near impossible, but when you did it, you felt like the king of truck reversing.

  10. rapchee says:

    what’s this “car became to damaged” thing coming up here and there?

    • Durkonkell says:

      When your careless attempts at parking inevitably reduce your vehicle’s structural integrity to 0%, a message appears informing you that “Your car is to damaged”.