Good News From Another Universe

By Alec Meer on November 17th, 2011 at 10:39 am.

Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee

Some days, there isn’t much news to report. Today is one of those days. The sensible thing would be to go play a few delightful indie games, pen a few more Skyrim misadventures or open my very veins to hold forth about how Chuckie Egg made me, but the sensible thing feels far too involved when I’ve only poisoned my body and mind with one cup of hot, brown caffeinated liquid so far today. So instead, here’s the entirely fabricated news I wish I was writing.

Skyrim patch incoming

Following news that, at 280,000 concurrent players at its peak, Skyrim has broken player count records on Steam (that bit is actually true), Bethesda decide to take the PC entirely seriously again and will release a patch containing a slew of new graphics settings that everyone’s worked out how to do in ini files already. “Sorry,” said a man, “it’s a mystery to us that we didn’t put those options in in the first place too. Yeah, it’s pretty embarrassing that people can make the game look orders of magnitude better with a few quick tweaks in Notepad, isn’t it? I think we were distracted by a cute dog or something. Oh, there’s another one! Look at its floppy ears!”

XCOM FPS remake “a marketing ruse”

Turns out the controversial remake of godlike strategy game X-COM as a noisy FPS was a red herring. “Yeah, we’re not going to do that,” said a man. “I mean, it doesn’t make a lick of sense, does it? I’m amazed anyone fell for it, to be honest. The truth is we knocked up a few trailers to get the X-COM name back in the public consciousness – what we’re actually doing is a full-on remake of the original game. We’ve been secretly working with the Gollops for a few years now, and it’s so exciting that I think I’m going to fai….”

Syndicate remake renamed “Future Manshoot”

“It just seemed like the sensible thing to do”, said a man.

First Skyrim DLC announced

Fears of horse armour and oddly disconnected standalone dungeons were allayed today, as Bethesda revealed the first DLC for Skyrim would be a complete, faithful remake of the entirety of Morrowind in the updated engine. “Well, it was perhaps our finest hour,” said a man. “Seems silly not to keep it alive, doesn’t it?

2D Boy reveal their next game

Seriously – come on, get a move on, chaps.

Half-Life 3 on Steam now

Hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.

Avalanche given Transformers license

“I don’t know why they didn’t think of us before,” said a man. “So what we’re doing is making another big, highly destructible open world. You’ll play as Starscream, and you fly around being a massive dick to everything. Humans are only there to stomped on. Or squished. Or hurled into space. Oh, and there’s a bit where you punch clean through Hot Rod’s face.”

Bullfrog reform, announce Dungeon Keeper 3

“We just thought it’d be nice to be loved again,” said a man. “And Kinect’s a bit crap really, isn’t it?”

Mojang making Lego MMO

“We made a great game about building stuff, and we live in Scandinavia,” said a man. “Bit of a no-brainer, innit?”

Obsidian working on Planescape title

“And no-one’s telling us what to do and giving us a cripplingly short deadline!” exclaimed a man. “So it won’t be released until it’s actually finished. That’ll be a novelty.”

Never update your graphics card again

“We realised that you can just, like, update the firmware or something and it makes your old card as good as a new card,” said a man. “Or something.”

Rock, Paper, Shotgun staff given $10 million “for being awesome.”

I mean, my car died at the weekend. I’ve got to buy a new one and everything. Does it really have to be another second-hand hatchback from the 1990s?

__________________

« | »

.

134 Comments »

  1. sneetch says:

    “Sorry,” said a man, “it’s a mystery to us that we didn’t put those options in in the first place too. Yeah, it’s pretty embarrassing that people can make the game look orders of magnitude better with a few quick tweaks in Notepad, isn’t it? I think we were distracted by a cute dog or something. Oh, there’s another one! Look at its floppy ears!”

    I can never, ever, ever, ever understand why they can’t simply put all these options into the “Advanced” section, give me a few hours, a day or two at most, and I could give you a glorified dialog box or menu system (like the fantastic Dead Island Helper) that will give you full control over all the options in those files. If I knew what they meant. Bethesda do, they could have done it easily instead they cherry pick some of them but not all. Sure stability can be an issue but a big caveat and a massive “reset to defaults” should cover that.

    Anyway… I have to go buy HL3!

    • Nim says:

      My guess is that they could do it… easily. They made Skyrim, of course they can make menu options. The very notion that the programmers are lazy or that the menu is just too hard to make is extremely silly. However, the bosses higher up probably did not mention anything regarding extra settings for the pc version, or specifically stated that all versions should be exactly the same no matter the platform. Now tell me if I’m wrong but isn’t american corporate culture essentially if the boss does not order you to do it, you do not do it as otherwise you’ll become too good or something and a threat to the manager and then you’re out. Anyways, I fairly sure that the left out settings is an artifact of a specific design choice taken by people who do not fully understand the differences between PCs and consoles.

    • Shadram says:

      Given that all you need to do is stick a load of check boxes and number fields on a winForm and then write values to a text file, I could do it in a couple of hours (with some testing to make sure it didn’t blow anything up).

      If I’m bored this weekend, I may even do it.

    • Thermal Ions says:

      Likely all boils down to, if it’s in the GUI people will expect it to be supported, regardless of how many warning boxes or reset default buttons are present.

  2. loloquaker says:

    I want to live in this universe.

    • c-Row says:

      I actually do. It’s nice over here! Sorry, can’t tell you anymore, I need to finish Homeworld 3.

    • PatrickSwayze says:

      I downloaded Homeworld 3 off the quantum pirate bay and have been nothing but impressed by it. Been able to take control of the fighters and have the engine still handle the newtonian physics just as well in multiplayer is an absolute joy. I just find myself getting caught up piloting and loosing sight of the bigger picture. Apparently some industrious modders are working on making the capital ships controllable. You’ll be able to set fields of fire for your turrets and set priority targets while you pilot the ship and do your best to manage the locational damage.

      sigh

    • Jarenth says:

      Quantum pirate bay? I’d assumed that in this universe, you’d be able to buy your games directly from the developer for a fair and reasonable price.

    • PatrickSwayze says:

      Apparently the publishers in this world put multi-verse citing clauses into their contracts stating that we are unable to obtain software licenses from parallel realities once we’ve used obtained them in this reality.

    • c-Row says:

      @Jarenth

      Actually, in our universe someone posts a game idea, people throw money on a huge pile and wait for whatever developer to step forward and claim it on the basis that he will release that game in a reasonable amount of time. You also get a refund plus interest if the game scores less than 80%.

  3. Sheng-ji says:

    Have a copy of the picture of a cute dog with floppy ears that caused all the trouble.

    http://dl.dropbox.com/u/18357586/IMG_1090.JPG

    And I’m not goatseing you, don’t worry!

  4. Elltot says:

    Steam say sorry for database hack

    Taking a leaf out of Sony’s book they are giving away 5 games for free to say sorry to customers for possibly comprimising their credit card details. List includes:

    LA Noire Complete Edition
    Rage
    Minecraft (Full Retail Copy)
    Every Valve game ever made

    • applecup says:

      Hey, at least Valve didn’t take a week to tell us, store and transmit our credit card details as unencrypted text, and take a month to bring their networks back online.

    • Elltot says:

      Look I’m feeling bitter towards steam. First I buy Bastion and then 2 days later they have it in the sale, I still can’t get the offline mode to work and now the credit card stuff.

    • matnym says:

      I bought Dirt3 when it was 10% off, then literally an hour later it’s 35%.

      And on top of that it didn’t turn out to be that good of a game =/

    • jezcentral says:

      Elltot, in which universe didn’t they say sorry?

    • Thermal Ions says:

      Don’t worry Elltot, in Alec’s universe they give all previous purchasers a cashback any time a game goes on sale or gets a permanent discounted.

  5. Fede says:

    > 2D Boy reveal their next game

    And Tomorrow Corporation release Little Inferno :)

  6. merc-ai says:

    Greatest. News. Ever.

  7. Belsameth says:

    If only we could get a DK3…

    *sad*

  8. Rao Dao Zao says:

    Why is Little Big Adventure 3 not on this list of new announcements?

    • kimadactyl says:

      This. And Longest Journey 3 while we’re on 3s.

    • Fierce says:

      More like why isn’t “Formerly Evil C*O of Activision takes his MW2.5 proceeds and leaves company, purchases the license+begins production on new season of returning series Firefly, rumored to have given Kotick forced farewell enema” not on that list.

      “Yeah, I just couldn’t stand it anymore” the former executive is quoted. “I mean, what we were doing to franchises, just for the quick buck…. when much better cultural productions of humanity were going underfunded and abandoned…. it was just soul crushing you know? And oh God, the ramifications the industry suffered for our greed….”

      “It may not bring true balance but at least for now, with Firefly production restarted, it will be said and always remembered that finally, in those darkest of times, the pendulum had swung back.”

    • UnravThreads says:

      kimadactyl; Does that come with an announcement of The Longest Journey 2, too?

    • McDan says:

      And Beyond good and evil 2 while you’re at it?

    • Ilinx says:

      And System Shock 3

    • tormeh says:

      The Longest Journey 3! Yes! I wouldn’t cry simply because I wouldn’t believe it was true.

      Hey! Funcom! You’re shit at MMO’s but the best at adventure, maybe you should try doing what you’re good at?! SHOCKING IDEA, I KNOW.

    • UnravThreads says:

      But there is no Longest Journey 2 yet!

    • jezcentral says:

      I’m pretty sure Dreamfall counts.

    • Jae Armstrong says:

      Freespace 3

    • SMiD says:

      NOLF 3! Monkeys for everyone!

    • mouton says:

      Dreamfall doesn’t count. Another Longest Journey only if it is as good as 1, please.

    • UnravThreads says:

      jezcentral; Nope. Ragnar has frequently made a distinction between them. He’s referred to both TLJ2 and Dreamfall: Chapters, so it’s safe to assume they’re two different series with very close links.

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      I came here to ask for NOLF3 and saw that it was already mentioned. Good job RPS.

    • Acorino says:

      I remember reading that Dreamfall is like the first part of the second part of The Longest Journey trilogy. Or something.

    • Skabooga says:

      And while we’re at it, Crusader: No R3gret.

    • UnravThreads says:

      Acorino; It may have been at one time, but Ragnar has mentioned two games (TLJ2 and Dreamfall: Chapters), which confirms Dreamfall is not the second Longest Journey game. It’s a separate, but heavily linked, series.

    • Thermal Ions says:

      Elite HD

  9. Valvarexart says:

    Obsidian working on Planescape title

    “And no-one’s telling us what to do and giving us a cripplingly short deadline!” exclaimed a man. “So it won’t be released until it’s actually finished. That’ll be a novelty.”

    But…but… that isn’t made-up! Sneaky Alec, sneaking truths in to confuse us!

  10. Gesadt says:

    i love rps

  11. r3spawn says:

    “Half-Life 3 on Steam now

    Hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.”

    ^ The sound Alec made when I stabbed him in the face with a digital fork

    … there are some things you just don’t joke about

  12. Flaringo says:

    I read the first part about Skyrim being patched, and my face lit up. I’ve been almost unable to play it because of crashes. I’ve never been so happy. Then I went on to read the rest. I’ve never been so disappointed.

    THANKS, RPS, I’LL JUST GO BACK TO NOT PLAYING SKYRIMdsafafaf

    • fugo says:

      I did that too. Though after googling this morning while pretending to work, it seems apart from the sound quality fix everyone has been shouting about that didn’t do anything for me, having dual monitors seems to be causing lots of problems, don’t know if that helps you!

    • amorpheous says:

      I read a lot of people seem to be having success with the Large Address Aware hack. It removes the 2GB RAM limit from the Skyrim executable and people are reporting fewer crashes.

    • fugo says:

      are there any risks to save games from the large address aware patch?

    • Fierce says:

      Whoa whoa, wtf, really? I wasn’t expecting something incredibly progressive like a 64-bit executable of Skyrim, but it STILL needs to be forced to realize the world doesn’t end at 2GB of RAM?

      I thought this was 2011, we were all on Win7 x64 and were forever done with that messy Large Address Aware business from the Fallout 3 days.

      But then I keep forgetting: Bethesda.

      Glad I decided to wait until the Steam holiday sale. Sometimes foresight even lets you dodge bullets you didn’t anticipate…

  13. Soulstrider says:

    Goddamit why can’t this be real

  14. jezcentral says:

    Could you please report on a screenshot of Agent 47 wearing a giant pink bunny suit? Preferably using a 70s-style pimp as a human shield? (Because the current Batman/Deus Ex version really isn’t working for me, great games though these were).

  15. Belua says:

    “We weren’t allowed to do another Red Faction game, so we had to use our destruction-related skills on another franchise”, a man said. Thus the remake of Blast Corps was born.

  16. mr.ioes says:

    I missed an announcement for a real Duke Nukem game ;(

    • phuzz says:

      In my house we are agreed; BulletStorm is in fact the Duke Nukem game that DNF should have been.
      It’s got absurd guns, lots of juvenile swearing (dicktits, *snigger*) and less subtlety than a punch in the face, but crucially, it’s pretty good.
      (Ok, to really make it a Duke game you’d have to change the player character model, and the name, and maybe add in the shrink ray and re-skin some of the enemies, but that’s it.)

  17. John P says:

    I notice that all the spokespeople in your universe are men. I’m not sure how John Walker would feel about this.

    • fugo says:

      it doesn’t matter what he feels, he’ll cry about it whatever

    • Thermal Ions says:

      John Walker of this universe is too busy receiving universal accolades for having undertaken a successful wide ranging study of the impact of game violence, which has proven conclusively there is no evidence of violence in games contributing to violent behaviour. He becomes the BBC and Fox News expert consultant on gaming (and convinces them to make a good Dr Who game). Baroness Greenfield apologises for her previously fraudulent claims to the contrary, and subsequently takes a vow of silence for the betterment of humankind.

  18. lamurt says:

    I heard serious study simulations are still in great abundance in this another universe….?

  19. DiamondDog says:

    I’ve also heard the good news that Looking Glass Studios have reformed and have been given back the rights to both the System Shock and Thief franchises.

    They’ve scraped all the work Eidos Montreal had done on Thief 4 saying “after they called it ‘Thi4f’ we thought it was the only sensible course of action”. Ken Levine was also approached for a comment on the reformed studio, he said “Bioshock: Infinite was going to be shit anyway, might as well make a proper System Shock game”.

  20. Drake Sigar says:

    Long live Bullfrog.

  21. Sterence says:

    “Mojang making Lego MMO”

    Fantastic, we can have an MMO that has servers that crash every 2 hours and has bugs up the ass, never been done before in the market of MMOs.

  22. sdtipps says:

    EA finally read Dante’s Comedia, issue formal apology.

    “Realizing that what we’ve done with one of the greatest pieces of western literature makes Herman Cain seem tame with the ladies, we have decided to abandon future insults to the intelligence of our playerbase and develop a series of games devoted to bringing the time of Dante to life. As current generation consoles simply do not have the capabilities to bring this dream to life, we have shifted our production efforts to fall in line with modern technology- in other words, the P.C.”

  23. coldvvvave says:

    LEAVE SYNDICATE REBOOT ALONE

    http://goo.gl/HWI7j

  24. AndrewC says:

    Comments threads were filled with positivity today as the PC gaming community embraced a new thing, or a thing that had changed or something, possibly involving a console. Anyway, it was nice.

  25. CaspianRoach says:

    >remake of the entirety of Morrowind in the updated engine.
    Please, this. I wanted to replay it and Oblivion recently and turned it off moments after I remembered the horrid leveling planning (now to level some blacksmitihing to get x5 Strength!)

    • Matt says:

      Just stop min/maxing your character like a total ‘sperg and it becomes a lot more fun. (Morrowind, anyway… with Oblivion I had to quit at level 8 because I couldn’t defend myself against mountain lions.)

    • Snargelfargen says:

      I want this so bad now. Unngh

    • Maka Albarn says:

      Honestly, Oblivion’s not too bad if you level no higher than 2… You won’t get the high-level shinies, but you end up still being able to clear dungeons without problem, without having to spend time thinking about min/maxing.
      Also, Morrowind in Skyrim please!

    • gwathdring says:

      There are a LOT of mods that change the creature leveling. I’ve found all of them quite effective and useful. Although … when I recently reinstalled Oblivion I put in a bunch of mods and somehow all of the undressed models were nude. I still can’t for the life of me figure out which mod is responsible. It isn’t much of a problem as it doesn’t come up often, and I can always hunt down and delete the meshes and textures responsible if it does start bothering me. Mostly it was just surprising the first time I stole a dead man’s pants.

  26. Mungrul says:

    Sales of Saints Row The Third have provided Volition with enough capital to buy back the rights to Freespace.

  27. talon03 says:

    Dungeon Keeper 3?? Seriously? What about THEME HOSPITAL 2???

  28. n0s says:

    PAPER BOY 2012!!!!!!! NAOOOO!!!!

  29. Bollah says:

    I’m glad I didn’t read this with bleary eyes, I would have been disappointed when I finally came around.

  30. Mungrul says:

    Hostile Waters. Two.

  31. S Jay says:

    Duke Nuken Forever NEVER released, it was just the Alpha version.

  32. Cerebrium says:

    Eidos confirm work on new Legacy of Kain game.

    When reached for comment, they simply replied with “Well, we had to, right?”

  33. Surgeon says:

    Actually, I’d really like some horse armour DLC.
    Mine’s a mental.
    It keeps chasing after half dead White Wolves, spoiling for a fight.

  34. RakeShark says:

    Chris Roberts reclaims the Wing Commander franchise from EA and begins work on a new space sim game. In response, LucasArts suddenly realizes that X-Wings and TIE Fighters are cool as shit, and also begin work on a new X-Wing vs TIE Fighter. Volition is also quoted to be in the process of regaining the Freespace license from Interplay with intent to make Freespace 3. NetDevil release Jumpgate: Evolution after many quality control delays to much rejoicing. Logitech and Saitek announce advanced joystick special bundles for upcoming space sim games for as little as $70.

  35. Stevostin says:

    “Obsidian working on Planescape title”

    That would mean that they wouldn’t be on Fallout 4,which would be disastrous news. Planescape was waaaay overrated IMO (played it lately) and I can’t see myself half as much interested in its universe than in anything Fallout. Plus Planetscape means AD&D (or D&D ?) rule set, ie the crappiest RPG mechanics ever.

    • UnravThreads says:

      But Obsidian wouldn’t be on Fallout 4. It’s not their property. That’d be Bethesda. I can see them out-sourcing spin-offs and stuff, but numbered titles? Nah, they’ll be in-house.

  36. Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    Is this the same parallel universe that has the cybermen? Because I am willing to put up with cybernetic abominations to live there.

    • llfoso says:

      Which reminds me:

      BBC announced today that they’ve contracted Frictional Games to develop a new Doctor Who first person adventure game on the HPL3 engine. When asked for comment, BBC Online replied “the fans of the series deserve a better interactive experience than we’ve been able to give them. Frictional games is a young company, but they’ve already shown themselves to be masters of the first-person adventure game and have expressed a desire to try something outside the horror genre. We think this is in everyone’s best interest.”

    • gwathdring says:

      Just don’t tell them about the weeping angels. I don’t trust them to do a bad enough job I’d be able to play that …

  37. Hodge says:

    Why Hot Rod? Surely Ultra Magnus is the most punchable of all the Transformers.

    • Rao Dao Zao says:

      Would you still prefer to punch Ultra Magnus, even when Hot Rod becomes Rodimus Prime?

    • Jake says:

      Nooo, both Ultra Magnus (“forget about me, the shuttle has priority!”) and Hot Rod are great. Even Rodimus Prime is cool because all he wants to do is slack off. I personally cannot stand Wheeljack for some reason, and Bumblebee, Powerglide and Cliffjumper are a bit irritating too. But if only one face can be punched off, I vote Wheelie.

      And a Starscream sandbox is such a good idea, there can even be a ‘press X to shoot off own foot’ bit.

  38. rei says:

    Pointy ears on puppies are far cuter than floppy ones.

  39. mmalove says:

    I just realised, that if there were a mod to convert Skyrim into Planescape, it would totally be worth 60 bucks.

  40. dangermouse76 says:

    In other news Bethesda have attained the rights to make an RPG of the Discworld series using Cryengine 10.

  41. dangermouse76 says:

    In other news Bethesda and Rockstar North have announced the imminent release of Discworld an RPG based single player MMO using the newly released Cryengine 10.

  42. Everyone says:

    Bethesda revealed the first DLC for Skyrim would be a complete, faithful remake of the entirety of Morrowind in the updated engine.

    Despite having already paid twice for Morrowind I would pay good money for this.

  43. Dobleclick says:

    I’m really WANTING to give you 10k for this great article. Totally made my day… Don’t have 10k though, sorry.

  44. Groove says:

    This is the best news story I’ve seen all day.

  45. llfoso says:

    I personally played Morrowind after I had already played Oblivion (I know! I know. Don’t hate it wasn’t my fault.) and I had a very hard time with it. I very much enjoyed playing a fighter and doing the imperial legion quest line, but the magic and thievery aspects were very weak and there were all those $%#%!@# cliff racers. I couldn’t enjoy the game properly until I’d downloaded several (excellent) mods.

    Don’t get me wrong: Morrowind is an amazing game. I just think that people’s nostalgia makes it seem like it is way better than it actually is. If Skyrim needs a few mods to make it fully enjoyable than in my view it’s no different from it’s predecessors.

  46. chabuhi says:

    Proving again that my grade school teachers were correct when they said my reading comprehension skills were lacking … Yes, I believed everything I read here today. In my defense, I was heavily involved with a tasty doughnut during the first paragraph (and for several paragraphs thereafter) and thus I cannot be held fully responsible for my misinterpreting the absurdity of this article. I’ll also admit to sprinting to steampowered.com to pick up my free apology games from Valve.

    Mmmmmm … sprinkles …

  47. Apples says:

    Very difficult, considering that a lot of Morrowind assets don’t exist at all in Skyrim (not even anything similar that could be used in place, given the uniqueness of Morrowind enemies/props) and would have to be recreated from scratch, every NPC would have to be recreated, something would have to be done about missing voices, scripts would probably have to be updated by hand, etc. The actual landscape MIGHT be able to be ported over but I don’t know about the dungeons.

    Bear in mind that people tried to port Morrowind over to Oblivion’s engine, and it’s been 5 years since Oblivion’s release and it’s never been completed. So yeah, never gonna happen.

    edit: what was broken about alchemy? if you mean overpowered, I guess it was, but nobody forces you to make those Fortify Intelligence potions in a loop.

  48. BurningPet says:

    In my good news from another universe, we are all still waiting for DNF

Comment on this story

XHTML: Allowed code: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>