Saints Row: The Third Knows All Our Sins

By Adam Smith on December 1st, 2011 at 4:08 pm.

How many men clad only in socks have been gunned down by a woman in a raincoat?

Despite its grotesquely high bodycount and the horrible and humiliating ways in which it rises, the utter absurdity of Saints Row: The Third makes it one of the silliest games of this or any other year. In celebration of the ludicrous actions that the inhabitants of Steelport are performing, Volition have added a map with a live feed of actions across the city to the game’s website. Unfortunately, because so many people are playing, it’s mostly updating with run of the mill vehicular manslaughter and lethal blows to the balls. But the far more entertaining stat tracker has captured some frankly alarming information about what’s happened since launch.

Imagine that these are being dictated by a town crier, walking through the crowds of pimps and top-hat wearing freaks with a bell in one hand and a scroll in the other. “Now, hear this!” he cries and then actually begins to cry as he thinks of the millions who have suffered the debasement of death by dildo.

- More than 2 million people have been bludgeoned to death by the Penetrator so far.
- 5.8 billion citizens of Steelport have met their demise while roaming around town. That’s 19 times the population of the US, or 85% of the population of the world.
- Players have spent a cumulative 2 years in their birthday suits streaking the streets of Steelport and making old ladies scream.
- In Whored Mode, 44 million pimps, gimps, and prostitutes have been dispatched.
- 650 hot dog mascots have been overcooked to death by players using flamethrowers.

The Penetrator would be the large purple dildo that is swiftly becoming to Saints Row what Mario is to Nintendo. It would appear people find it hard to resist bludgeoning people with such a thing if it is in their power to do so.

Of these statistics, the one I find most fascinating is the last. Is it accidental, this chargrilling of mascots, simply a side effect of the burnination of large crowds that just happen to contain human hot dogs? Or when people see a man dressed as a sausage, do some of them instinctively whip out the necessary tool in order to cook him, feeling it is necessary and/or just? Perhaps they even see the unfortunate soul walking the streets and immediately cast aside thoughts of more lucrative criminality in order to purchase a flamethrower and return to the scene, compelled to end him in a suitable fashion.

Clearly I need more data. Stats can be unearthed through the community section of the website but you will need an account – as far as I can tell that doesn’t mean you need a copy of the game but you will need to use the Initiation Station to create and upload a character. If you see anything more unhinged than the dildo deaths, do share. We must approach this rare opportunity to see into the minds of our fellow men with scientific rigour.

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52 Comments »

  1. Shooop says:

    The cyber-world has a flair for irony.

  2. Bodminzer says:

    I want to see a stat on the number of Energy Drink mascots lasered right in the fucking face. They must die. They… have, to die. Life cannot continue any other way.

  3. cafe says:

    Whats the point of a map that shows you where and when someone punched somebody in the nuts in saints row…. if it showed life video feeds of the action… or screenshots (although there is a screenshot option) instead of just plain text…

    • norkkron says:

      yeah, those sounds like some really easy features to implement

      you know, live streaming video across three platforms all over the world, durrrrrrrr

      why can consumers not into how hard these “great ideas” are to actually bring to fruition

    • Zarunil says:

      It does show screenshots.

    • Shooop says:

      Because some statistics are amusing?

    • meatshit says:

      Eventually they’ll be able to make something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEoxaGkNcrg

      Except it’ll be for giant dildo bludgeonings.

    • cafe says:

      @norkkron
      I think you missunderstood! I wasn’t saying these features are easy to implement, I was just saying that I can’t see the point of having the map without them!

  4. Orija says:

    I just finished the game and, well, I didn’t really get what the fuss was about. All the absurdities just seemed a bit too deliberate. The dialogue is some of the best I have ever seen a game though.

  5. Shivoa says:

    Did anyone ever get to the bottom of the story of THQ + Steam + UK = “This item is currently unavailable in your region”?

    I see UK Steam users are still given the impression that The Third is not yet out for us English types who have not visited a retailer of more physical forms of content, despite those that do buy physical getting Steam Achievements from their purchased game. The Steam Powered but not Steam available thing seems slightly mad to me.

    • Premium User Badge

      bsplines says:

      I remember hearing something about GAME or some else retailer blocking the game from appearing in Steam. Same with Space Marine which appeared after a month or so.

    • thegooseking says:

      Should point out that GAME have explicitly denied it’s anything to do with them.

    • LavaMonkey says:

      The same thing happened with Metro 2033 too. I’m sure that was a GAME exclusive for a month or so.

  6. Echo Black says:

    Big brother is watching you…Beating people up with a purple rubber penis

  7. Zarunil says:

    Waiting for this to drop in price so I can snag it. Christmas sale, please?

    • dubyabyeats says:

      Try shopto.net. It was £22.50 (afaik) with a code that registers on Steam. One of the of the bargain baskets from a few weeks back had the details.

    • Koozer says:

      £1 off of Onlive \o/ Youtube quality picture, but you get what you pay for.

    • thegooseking says:

      It’s not like the compression artefacts aren’t noticeable, but I’d say it’s better quality than youtube.

  8. Kollega says:

    As far as i know, the flamethrower can only be picked up from the Brutes that you kill, not from your weapons cache. So those overcooked man-toasts must be an accident.

  9. Drake Sigar says:

    “Don’t look for it, Adam. You might not like what you find.” – Doctor Zaius

  10. Kleppy says:

    Every time I fire this game up I end up with a huge smile plastered all over my face. I don’t think I ever played a more absurd video game in my life.

  11. Coins says:

    So am I the only one who’s wondering why and how they collect this data?

    • kemryl says:

      Possibly the same way and for the same reasons that Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Just Cause 2 and several other games did before it.

    • Kollega says:

      Why? Because the developers [think they] need the data about how their game is played, so they can make decisions on how to change it for the better (or for bigger profitability). How? Via Internet magicks.

  12. Premium User Badge

    Bluerps says:

    I dont’ get why the number for the burned hot dog people is so small, when all the other numbers are so large. I haven’t played the game (yet) – is it very hard to kill hot dog mascots with a flamethrower?

    • LintMan says:

      The flamerthrower is a heavy weapon you can’t store in your inventory – you can only pick it up from brutes that drop it, you can’t reload it (AFAIK), and you move slowly while carrying it. Also, hot dog mascots aren’t all that common, and once the heavy fighting starts, most ciivilians clear out of the area, so it’s not really surprising it’s so uncmmon.

    • tungstenHead says:

      It isn’t hard at all to kill a hot dog mascot with a flamethrower. But you do need to find the hot dog mascot. They’re around, but they take some time to show up. Not that tricky. The tricky part is getting a flamethrower. See, the flamethrower isn’t your regular flamethrower. It’s a great, honking, gigantic super-sized flamethrower. The dudes that carry them are similarly great, honking and gigantic. They will gigantically honk you a great deal. In order for these fellers to come out to play, you have to play with their friends. “Play” meaning “shoot” and “their friends” meaning “your enemies”. So once you have the block exploding in gang vehicles and manage to off one of the brutes and collect his flamethrower, the next thing you need to do is wait for your new friends to get called back home by their mothers. Now, you could call their mothers and let them know what their kids are up to, but otherwise, it means playing “hide and seek and don’t kill anyone” for ten minutes. Once this is all done, you have to amble down the street with a great, honking, gigantic, flamethrower that’s too big for you to run with until you find one of those hot dog mascots.

      Then you set ‘em on fire.

  13. Tokamak says:

    It was a fun ride while I played it, but having finished it the game felt quite a bit gutted for content when compared to it’s predecessor. I got 100% this but my playtime shows that I almost have 10 hours more in the former, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t do all the collectibles and other small side things from that. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is due to the “40 Weeks of DLC” bullshit that THQ is forcing on this game.

    • Kollega says:

      I’ve also noticed that the game is a bit small, if you judge it by the completion meter. Less prompting to repeat activities (even if there are more spots than before), less variety in clothing and possible clothing combinations, less weapons (especially melee weapons), and seemingly less story missions. And i’m also afraid that has to do with “40 weeks of DLC” bullshit.

    • rayne117 says:

      So it sounds like while SR3 is an improvement for players of the first two, if you haven’t played any, price-wise and value-wise SR2 would be better.

  14. Radiant says:

    A great game for sure but I wish it had that San Andreas thing where you’d jump into a random ‘job’ car and have missions to do.

    Like the ice cream van drug deals or the taxi missions or the police missions.
    Or go into a shop and have things to do within that shop like the two wongs laundry shops.

    It’s all very straight forward and not as insane [as I hoped] as the shit spraying mission from before.

    Also I hoped with the wonderful customisation it’d have more clothing options!

    Right now my Saint is wondering around rocking a wonderful pair of golf pants and shoes combo looking like this: http://previouslyinaudible.wordpress.com/2009/06/28/leggings-done-right/

    But I just wish it had MORE fashionable clothing options for people like me who don’t want to run around as fat slob in an angry bishop’s robe.

    Granted it’s not as limited as GTA 4 but still 5 years on from that game you’d hope it’d be more of a sandbox.

    • Radiant says:

      AND NOT ENOUGH WEAPONS!
      A giant purple dildo is not enough surprisingly.

  15. Beelzebud says:

    I really wish Rockstar would stop trying to be serious film makers, and just make a fun GTA game again. I find this just too over-the-top. San Andreas and Vice City really nailed the right balance between seriousness and absurdity. It’s too bad GTA 4 had no soul.

    • Premium User Badge

      Thirith says:

      For me GTA 4 had plenty of soul. It’s by no means perfect, and I would agree that they haven’t yet nailed the balance between gameplay and storytelling/characterisation, but soulless? That strikes me as a somewhat pretentious way of saying, “I didn’t like it, but I want to make the statement sound more meaningful.”

    • Beelzebud says:

      Pretentious would be if I replied to other people telling them what they think, and questioning their opinions.

      It’s just my opinion. You don’t have to agree, and I don’t need a review on it.

    • FunkyBadger3 says:

      Plenty of soul in that game, as noted: “You won, Nico”.

      Beelzebud: if you don’t want a comment on your comment, then why did you, err, post it on the internet?

    • hypercrisis says:

      GTA IV was the only GTA I could actually be bothered to complete, I preferred the series giving itself a little more respect.

    • Shooop says:

      Why make two franchises so alike? Shouldn’t we be promoting variety as to avoid ending up with the CoD effect happening in other genres?

    • Trelow says:

      Agreed. IV was shit. the DLC/miniexpansions were much better, if still not what I wanted.

      More Vice City please.

    • rayne117 says:

      Beezle, so if someone’s opinion was “all kittens must be thrown into microwaves and eaten” you wouldn’t even try to debate/reason with them? In my opinion, calling GTA IV soulless is worse than kitten cooking (now debate that).

      “More Vice City please.”

      I dare you to buy GTA VC on Steam and tell me it’s still fun. Look me right in the internet face and tell me the horrendous aiming and health system is good.

    • protospork says:

      Shoop: The problem is the GTA games WERE fun, then they chucked all the fun away while making GTA4. SR3 may be similar to the good old GTA games we all loved, but it just doesn’t evoke the same feelings as a GTA game.

      I’d love to see RS focus all their talent (if there’s any left) on making a proper entertaining Grand Theft Auto title, but I don’t think we’ll never get one and that’s a huge shame.

      Edit: I forgot to say I don’t really think of the two franchises as very similar. Classic GTAs were all about sort of subtle sex jokes and pop culture references and sex jokes worked into pop culture references. SR (3 especially) seems a lot more in-your-face with everything (giant dildos in particular).

  16. Buttless Boy says:

    Oh man, I just checked the community page for the first time. It is awesome.

    Apparently I’m in the 97th percentile for People Run Over. Which is clearly not good enough.

    EDIT: Holy awesome, there is a leaderboard for People Run Over. I love this game.

    • LazyBoot says:

      Turns out I’m 1695% above the community average in total kills…

      EDIT: Btw, how can the average be something as low as 464 in a game like this?

    • Buttless Boy says:

      All I can figure is that most people haven’t spent much time with the game – that, or the site’s bugged somehow.

      PS: After 30 minutes of running people over, I am now in the 99th percentile. I’m aiming for 100th, because I don’t understand math.

  17. Dances to Podcasts says:

    That image of the woman and the scared wrestler mask dude…

    Someone should get together a bunch of feminists, the ghost of Sigmund Freud, the pope and Jeremy Clarkson to discuss that for a few hours.

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      Oh, and Lady Gaga. Everything’s better with Gaga.

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    TheApologist says:

    Death by Penetrator – am I the only one thinking that’s the way I want to go out?

  19. Doctor Pandafaust says:

    Penetrator? Bah. San Andreas did it. I beat the end boss to death with it, just because… wait… maybe I’m EXACTLY the sort of person who would enjoy this game… haven’t actually tried it.

  20. Dhatz says:

    done it once, I aint gonna do it twie. That is for giant puple dildo melee weapon.