Rock, Paper, Shotgun

Wulf says:

Oh, I forgot this one!

[ "No one shits or pisses" & "No where is there a toilet" ]

This is because at birth everyone is fitted (via suppository) with a portable singularity generator that takes care of all hygiene needs. The themepark ship owners recognise that no one really wants to have to unstrap all of that metal armour in order to go to the loo, so they’ve opted to use technology that was before only used in military scenarios.

Completely safe, they’ll assure you. And due what real people there are having these, and the actual robots themselves never needing to take care of such things, there’s no need for toilets. Sure, aesthetic toilets would have been a nice touch, but it was a planning oversight and they were 80% of the way into the construction of the themepark ship before it occurred to anyone, and they couldn’t budget in the inclusions of Ye Old Fantasy Outhouses, which would have set back the launch date of the ship by 4 stellar months (which is six earth months to us backward chronologically-challenged terrans).

They couldn’t have that so they decided to simply forego the inclusions of outhouses. An upgrade may occur at a later point, but for now the management doesn’t believe that the lack of toilets detracts from the fun of the people on board.

[ "The wells don’t work" ]

This is because the wells are actually just aesthetic. The meals themselves are supplied via well-disguised matter replicators which the robots staffing the various stores and stalls have access to. All of this food and drink is officially sanctioned by Bob & Joe’s Spacefarer Catering Inc, who’ve been the number one Interstellar caterers since the later end of the 47th century. Their licensed and patented matter replicator patterns are second to none.

“It really does taste like chicken!”

[ "The water is clear at certain angles while part submerged" ]

This is because the holographic technology being used has not been perfected yet. See, the water isn’t actually real, because if it was then someone may catch hypothermia, or worse, they may actually try to drink it. So the water itself is a clever mix of holography and gravitational fields and flow regulators. So if you jump into a stream you’re actually caught up in a gravitational wave which carries you along in a completely safe way to your destination.

There are hiccups in the ancient systems, though. The waterfalls are supposed to have barriers in place. Some of these works and you will be safely brought to a halt before you go careering over the end, but some of them are malfunctioning and the flow regulators will launch you well over the end of the waterfall and into open air above the water below. You should still be safe, but management asks that you avoid leaping in random streams for the time being.

Management apologises for using last generation holography for their waters and streams, and they also apologise for the lack of simulated shorelines, but they would like to assure everyone that they’re working on it.

[ "AI gets stuck on stuff" ]

The AI was acquired on budget based upon 33rd century animatronic technology. For the amount of animatronics necessary, this had to be done, otherwise the world would have been even more sparsely populated than it is and they’ve already received complaints that the population is too small currently. The original design of the ship had reduced city and town sizes in order to accommodate for the small population to provide the illusion of a highly populated world, but AI technology is expensive, and the amount of robots they can have running at any one time on 33rd century robotics technology is limited.

Also, there were all manner of unexpected glitches with the technology, including corrupted AI tapes, thus meaning lost records. In an accident the AI records for the robots used as patrolmen were lost, an emergency patch was issued to use a generic AI tape for all of them. Management, of course, apologises for whatever inconvenience this may cause. And, in general, yes, 33rd century AI technology does have a habit of bumping into things. This is due to a lack of enhanced terrain perception hardware. They don’t quite filter the land around them properly, so sometimes they can become trapped upon a rock or even a wall that somehow their on board nanocameras did not detect.

Rest assured that as soon as such an issue has been reported, maintenance will drop by to reposition the robots so that normal operations can be resumed. Management is working on some advanced pathing technologies based upon land topography which may allow robots to predict where obstacles might be so that issues with robots becoming caught upon the scenic landscape you’ve no doubt come to love will be less of an issue.

(Too much fun with this, I am having.)

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