RPS’ New Year’s Resolutions

By Alec Meer on December 31st, 2011 at 12:16 am.

All RPS screenshots are 600 pixels wide

A new year is about to dawn. It is a time for change, and renewal. A time for earnest dedication to a better you. A time, indeed, for resolutions – so Rock, Paper, Shotgun would like to share a few with you.

Oh yes, I actually went there.

(Click for full-size versions of most of these).

This is what Skyrim looks like on my FruitBook Air at 1440×900:

It’s just about playable at minimum detail, but the laptop’s fans go crazy and I get worried my genitals/tabletop/cat’s back/whatever the Macbook is current resting on will be singed.

This is Planescape: Torment running at 1680×1050, thanks to the wonderful Widescreen mod:

Here’s Doom 3 at 800×600, madly hacked to run on a Voodoo 2:

Did you know: Jason Rohrer’s seminal tale-of-a-relationship short game Passage runs at a most unusual but highly evocative 600×96 pixels?

FACT: the image size is actually 100×16, but it’s upscaled so it’s playable on something other than a pocket calculator. FACT 2: You have to edit the ’1′ in Settings/Fullscreen.ini to a 0 to get it running in a window and thus really demonstrate its strange size.

I don’t actually know how many pixels this multi-screen Arma system has, so I’m just going to say ‘all of the pixels.’

Here’s a Dungeon Keeper wallpaper in pretty much any resolution you could possibly desire.

Bit naffly uspcaled, but hey.

The first STALKER running (with mods) at an absurd 2160p, via the incomparably dedicated Dead End Thrills:

Here’s the original Deus Ex running on three monitors, at something like 4484×900:

You’ll need the hack here to get that going yourself. Plus three monitors, obv.

My main PC’s resolution is 1920×1200. Recently, I seriously thought about buying a 30″ monitor so I could go up to 2560×1600, but then I realised I’d need to forever be buying whatever the newest, most outrageously expensive graphics card is, so I resisted. That’s my story.

So I guess I’m going to hell for this. Happy New Year, everyone. Be good.

, .

94 Comments »

  1. Senethro says:

    Oh, I get it.

    • Moni says:

      I didn’t get it until Doom 3.

    • Gramarye says:

      Not even until Dungeon Keeper.

    • Everyone says:

      Hah, I got to STALKER then went “oooooh” and giggled. I expect I’m going to hell for just finding it funny.

    • SuperNashwanPower says:

      I read the whole thing. Closed the window cos I crashed Internet Explorer trying to open the link to DeadEndThrills. Then I went back to RPS home page.
      Then I got it.

      I have the dumb.

    • Abundant_Suede says:

      Oh. I see what you did there. With the…yeah.

    • BooleanBob says:

      I wish this article had been an earnest New Year’s Resolutions bit, as then I could have made my joke about this conforming to the recent trend of posts, what with it being a part of an ambitious ongoing project that’s almost immediately discarded as the writer loses interest within a week.

    • RagingLion says:

      Took me till Passage when I finally wondered why I was just looking at screenshots.

    • pandora says:

      I got this somewhere around Arma.

      However, as English isn’t my first language, I will claim my brain’s wired differently as to to get this pun, rather than me being simply dumb.

      Also, having the chance, I wish everybody a Happy New Year.

    • Maldomel says:

      Got it with the passage explications. If there wasn’t those explications, I would still wondering about the real meaning of this post.

    • Grey Ganado says:

      I got it at “Oh yes, I actually went there.”
      Which is weird since I usually don’t get anything native English writers do.

    • BoZo says:

      I have such a short attention span that I forgot what the article was supposed to be about when I started reading…

    • RegisteredUser says:

      Me, I couldn’t go past “Oh yes, I actually went there.” until I understood what was meant.

      I’m a fairly analytical-OCD person.

    • migbasys says:

      I like that in order to offset the reduction in horror due to the loss of shadows on a Voodoo 2 card, the Doom 3 Marine’s eyes have gone all milky white. http://trimr.de/17l6

  2. Premium User Badge

    lurkalisk says:

    I miss the days of 3dfx…

    • Inglourious Badger says:

      Would you like to use Software rendering, Direct X rendering, or Open GL?

    • johnpeat says:

      I still have a 3DFX card in the junkbox – it’s a Diamond one IIRC, cost a FORTUNE in it’s day…

    • bfandreas says:

      I don’t miss 3DFX. Back in the day I had a kick-ass Matrox MillenniumII which was famed for its signal quality. Now imagine how bad that got with the signal passed through the original 3DFX Voodoo?

      There are several things that killed 3DFX. One of which certainly was how long it took them to build a proper video card with no drawbacks.I’m looking at you, Banshee, you POS. The Riva TNT and TNT2 and later the GeForce 256 ate 3DFX’s lunch while 3DFX still lingered on for a bit due to its name and initial momentum.

      The Glide API was bound to fail. It was too 3DFX specific. Too low-level. It was 3DFX’s way of saying our way or the highway. DirectX is as bad as any Microsoft API. But at least it was the great equalizer because it didn’t force developers not to write low-level stuff for each specific vendor.

      3DFX might have survived if they hadn’t been so arrogant and inept. They brought us proper 3d acceleration as Creative brought us proper sound. They were the first to offer something you could by for reasonable amounts of money and that was actually supported. They changed the PC forever.

  3. Lazaruso says:

    I don’t get it. Can I be in the Cool Cids Club anyway?

    • Azeltir says:

      Consider the different senses of the word “resolution”.

    • MD says:

      7. med
      a. return from a pathological to a normal condition
      b. subsidence of the symptoms of a disease, esp the disappearance of inflammation without the formation of pus

  4. Premium User Badge

    El_MUERkO says:

    I have a silly big monitor setup because ‘fuck it’, this logic works well for me, however I’m currently playing Jagged Alliance 2 so I’m suffering awesomeness remorse :/

  5. Sp4rkR4t says:

    You sir, win the internets*

    *for the remainder of the year.

  6. nakke says:

    I don’t know if I should laugh or cry

    • McDan says:

      Crylaugh, for the discerning RPS reader. Cry with joy! Laugh with exasperation!
      I have to admit that I got it at the first image though, after reading through the beginning again.

  7. John Walker says:

    He went there.

    • 12kill4 says:

      Did you forget to lock the RPS liquor cabinet? Or has he been into the mushrooms growing under the sink again…? Someone had better hide the cat.

      P.S. Just to get meta for a second… it must be pretty awesome to have such a captive audience* to broadcast yourself at. I mean, there aren’t many publications out there that you could get away with a whole article for the sole purpose of one pun; let alone have goodly number of people actually read it/comment on it/ touch themselves inappropriately to it. Bravo Gentlemen, Bravo.

      * – referring to this one, rather than the victims winners of the ‘visit the RPS tower’ competition currently locked up in your dungeon…

    • Matt says:

      Paronomasia is the best. Never stop the punnery.

  8. pakoito says:

    He fucking did it.

  9. rei says:

    I actually kept thinking “when is he going to get into the resolutions?” until just about the end. Then again I really should be in bed right now.

  10. Raiyan 1.0 says:

    @Doom 3 modded to run on Voodoo 2:

    HOLY. FREAKIN’. HELL.

    (ON EARTH.)

    • LionsPhil says:

      I too am flabbergasted; that’d be impressive for a RIVA TNT2 if memory serves—we’re talking hardware contempary to the first Half-Life. It doesn’t even say it’s an SLI setup!

    • Skabooga says:

      Amazing. Makes me want to go back in time 10 years and release it then.

  11. salgado18 says:

    I really thought: “Yeah, imagine if he made the joke about resolutions, instead of just another ‘what I want next year’…”

    Silly me, it’s RPS.

    Oh, and Raiyan 1.0, I second that: Bloody hell!!! o_O Doom 3 -> Voodoo 2

  12. Premium User Badge

    kregg says:

    I can’t believe it took me that long to get it.

    • Vinraith says:

      I can’t believe it took me that long to get it considering I used this joke myself last year!

  13. Pod says:

    I made the same basic joke on IRC 12 years ago. i was about 13. RPS should be ashamed of itself.

  14. Sleepymatt says:

    He missed one game that would have suited that massive 4 monitor setup brilliantly….

    linear shooter

  15. Premium User Badge

    HermitUK says:

    I like that in order to offset the reduction in horror due to the loss of shadows on a Voodoo 2 card, the Doom 3 Marine’s eyes have gone all milky white. He was possessed all along! What a twist!

  16. Kleppy says:

    I laughed.

  17. Wizardry says:

    Games were their best at 320×200. I can prove it too.

    • Raiyan 1.0 says:

      Oh Wizardry – how many new year resolutions have you missed…

    • LionsPhil says:

      He’s right, you know. They were.

      Although there was plenty of good in the 640×480 era. VGA4LYFE.

    • Premium User Badge

      jaheira says:

      “I can prove it too”

      I bet you half a packet of Hob-Nobs you can’t.

    • Premium User Badge

      Joshua says:

      Getting 640*480 games made in the Infinity Engine to run at 1920*1080 is the most awesome thing there is. You’d never notice the awesome detail put into the enviroments untill you zoom out.

  18. ColOfNature says:

    I see what you did there.

  19. TheWhippetLord says:

    I saw the article title and my first thought was ‘I shall make the nerdiest joke in the world in the comments thread and shall be loved by all on the internets for my wit and cleverness!’ because I truly am as shallow as that.
    And then the page loaded and I realised I’d been pwned. Never stop being silly, RPS. :)

  20. Casimir Effect says:

    Not the Cranium Rats! Ice Dagger firing little bastards!

  21. New Player says:

    FruitBook Air is certainly a very commanding name for a gaming machine.

  22. Inglourious Badger says:

    There was a point in my life when I thought any resolution above 640×480 was just showing off cos that was more than TVs used and why would you ever need more than that? Also 30 fps was the maximum ever necessary.

    Actually that second one is still a little bit true, but I’m sure many would disagree

  23. rockman29 says:

    It took me 10 minutes to get this hahaha, awesome.

  24. iamaelephant says:

    Are you aware that your lightboxes are completely fucking broken on this website? Please let us just open images in a new tab, stop trying to change the way our browser works.

    • LionsPhil says:

      Silly elephant. Next you’ll expect them to stop hammering in half a dozen history entries for each page so that the back button breaks, a delightful throwback to the world of ’90s frames. Or it losing the page in the comments when you go to reply. Or it putting in history entries for comments pages wrongly so that back just does nothing, but does it a number of times depending on how many comment pages you stepped through. Or where it sometimes chokes on a comment and doesn’t paginate them, or doesn’t show them if you aren’t logged in.

      Or stop the editing DHTML popup from dismissing if you click outside of it, throwing away all your text. Or stop the comment field from getting horribly confused by backslashes and other things that indicate some very worrying parsing concerns and probably a security vulnerability or two.

      I really hope they don’t pay anyone for this.

    • Lacobus says:

      So much anger for matters so trivial, on a light-hearted jokey post too, on a light-hearted jokey (and awesome) website too. Perspective?

      …Unless you were being sarcastic and I missed it, in which case… well done?

    • Thants says:

      Those weird image-viewer things are annoying. I don’t see the point of them, except for people who don’t know they can open links in a new tab.

    • MadMatty says:

      +1 Lionsphil

      someone fix those plzz, its been obvious for quite a while now

    • dux says:

      Silly elephant, you do realise you can quite easily open the image a new tab, don’t you? However, this does admittedly require you to complete the following arduous process: right click -> open link in new tab.

      I quite understand if this task is asking too much of your tiny brain and sausage-like fingers, in which case your vehement rage still makes you looks rather silly.

    • LionsPhil says:

      “Excuse me, when I press the power button on my remote control, nothing happens.”
      “Stupid user, is it too much work for you to get up and press the one on the front of the TV?”

      The obvious and most direct path being broken is a bug. Trying to redefine it as user stupidity/laziness/unreasonable demands is right up there in How To Be An Obnoxious Designer.

    • max pain says:

      Surf safe and pleasant, always click images with middle mouse button.
      I haven’t even noticed lighbox on RPS.

  25. Freud says:

    If you tell kids today that people used to have one card for 2D and one card for 3D, they don’t believe you.

  26. Davie says:

    Ohohoho. Good one.

    And it brings back memories of running Oblivion at 800×600 at very low detail on a shitty Toshiba Satellite from 2003. Then later realizing there is no way to run Starcraft at higher than 800×600 without breaking the game.

    • jamesgecko says:

      I did that on my Dell Vostro laptop equipped with a state of the art Intel GMA X3100. In 2008. I then proceed to run at 640×480 with a tricked out config file and a dozen performance mods installed. It’s actually possible to get 40 FPS* outside, as long as you don’t care about little details like seeing more than 20 feet in front of you, and trail textures. It turns out that it’s much harder to go places when you can’t see any buildings in the distance and don’t have any trails.

      * Except when attacked, which drops the FPS to 20 or 30.

      Also, StarCraft tops out at 640×480.

  27. LionsPhil says:

    For an actual resolution, I challenge everyone to actually have played every game in their Steam library for more than the tutorial or first level. This includes anything your bought in indie bundles, even if you haven’t typed in the keys yet.

    (Also, 1024×768. That’s plenty of pixels, that is. And 16:10/16:9 screens are horrible. 4:3 CRTs until the day they clap out. Get off my lawn.)

    • vivlo says:

      i feel like playing a tutorial or a first level for each game in my steam library would take longer than 1 year.

    • LionsPhil says:

      See, the sinister ulterior motive here is to sneak in the resolution “stop buying games you will never play”.

    • DigitalSignalX says:

      My fave monitor ever was a 24 inch silicon graphics that weighed approximately as much as a refrigerator. Unfortunately, it died in a horrible plant watering accident and it’s all shiny plastic pixels till infinity for me. :(

      I miss it and it’s VGA cable that split into 5 separate color coded coax inputs. Sniff.

    • MaXimillion says:

      Whilst I do love my dual-CRT setup (21″ 1600×1200@85Hz + 19″ 1280×1024@85Hz), I do still need an LCD monitor to drag to LAN parties.

    • max pain says:

      Dual CRT 21″ and 19″? You must have a nice tan :)

  28. Fwiffo says:

    Watching the Deus Ex intro.

    “I take it he was agreeable”

    Say “oh yes!” out loud only for it not to be the right line.

    THANKS RPS.

  29. mod the world says:

    RPS is just using the same old resolutions in the new year.

  30. neils says:

    Where are the 2012 resolutions?

  31. Premium User Badge

    quietone says:

    Resolutions!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA See? Resolutions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    I don’t get it…

  32. outoffeelinsobad says:

    YOU MANIACS

  33. Nickless_One says:

    I never asked for this.

  34. CaspianRoach says:

    1280×1024 is the best resolution. Sadly many game developers do not think it can even exist.

    • LionsPhil says:

      It’s 5:4, an unclean aspect ratio.

      I know this since sadly it is the native res of the TFT I bought for LAN parties.

  35. Tei says:

    I don’t normally do resolutions. But I take notes of patterns. I bought Assasing Creed Brotherhood, and is a consoley piece of shit. AGAIN. I always think that some popular console game will be good, then buy it for $5 in a Steam sale, and feel like totally wasted money. These games may be good for his public, but in the PC are a nightmare of poor controls, bad graphics and what not. I sould probably avoid these games from now on, but I will probably fail again.

    • Shortwave says:

      INDEEEED.

    • Resonance says:

      I don’t know if you’re specifically referring to AC : Brotherhood, but if there’s one thing you can’t argue regarding the PC version it’s that it has bad graphics. The character models may be a little suspect yes, but Rome is incredibly detailed.

  36. verily says:

    This is exactly what I was expecting.

  37. deanimate says:

    My new years resolution is to get a cat :)

  38. Morte66 says:

    My new year’s resolution is to play (or at least start) the games I bought in the steam sale before next year’s steam sale. Amnesia, Fallout New Vegas, Frozen Synapse, Limbo, Portal 2, hoping for Mirror’s Edge.

    I also resolve to either start playing EVE again and do something constructive (form a corp, start solo roaming in triple rep Myrms, whatever), or actually quit and stop paying attention to it.

    I furthermore resolve to hang in there with 4870 and 2MB system RAM for as long as it works with the vast majority of games, which might be quite a long time in these days of console ports.

  39. Shortwave says:

    I’d love to see that rig that spanned Arma across that insane resolution.

    I’m running a AMD x6 @ 3.8ghz, 16gb DDR3, 2x 2gb 6950s and an SSD.
    The game still feels like a stuttering glitchy POS with a terribly unpredictable fps.
    I can’t play the game without getting a headache at any decent graphics settings, ever.

    Wish I could! : (

  40. Swabbleflange says:

    I didn’t get it until the last line, when I realised it wasn’t going to be a resolution to buy a new monitor.

  41. Dinger says:

    Of course, what we appreciate from this is how central resolution is to the PC experience: we don’t need to force upon the artists a given resolution, and the resolution of the product should not depend on us. It’s that liberty of expression that sets the PC apart, and gives us hope for the new year.

  42. Njam says:

    I saw that screenshot and I immediately downloaded Passage. Very lovely and very depressing.