BoneCraft: A Different Kind Of Grind

By Richard Cobbett on January 25th, 2012 at 10:26 am.

You have no idea how tricky getting SFW pics of this game was. Also, you probably don't care, do you?

Remember BoneTown? Now there’s more. BoneCraft is a game with balls, in more ways than one. It’s not just a World of Warcraft porn parody guest-starring cast of horny Starcraft-inspired marines. No, it’s a porn parody that goes so far out of its way to flick Blizzard’s nose, its developers D-Dub even hired the actor who played Tychus “You Are Hearing Mah Voice” Findlay to be its leading man.

But can it hope to provide the hottest elf-on-elf action since Teldrassil’s finest introduced a shocked looking Azeroth to the Wrath of the Licking? There’s only one way to find out. Two, if you include buying it. But reading on will be much, much safer for work.

Well, this is the most awkward staring contest ever.

The surprising thing about BoneCraft is that it is actually a game – though confusingly that game is a single-player hack-and-slash rather than some kind of porny RPG pastiche. You play Colonel Fort Worth, cigar-chomping, Findlay-voiced leader of a squad of Space Wranglers, on a desperate quest for… a word I find deeply coarse and distasteful and will therefore be replacing with the far more civilised “Mrs. Slocombe”. But not just any Mrs. Slocombe! No, only elven Mrs. Slocombe, officially the sexiest, juciest Mrs. Slocombe in the galaxy, can satisfy his lust. Not that this stops him also getting balls-deep in both orc and robot flavours by the third level.

And know you know the plot. The entire plot. Um. Spoiler warning?

Ahem. I'm here to infiltrate your Cenarion circle... let's agree that if they don't ask, we won't Teldrassil... how 'bout you elves let me see your Darnassus... care to join me in Valaar's Berth... how much for a dip in your moonwell... and fancy a shag?

The action – the hack and slash action – is limp and unimpressive, but it tries hard, and that at least deserves a few points. (Right, ladies?) It’s squad based, every level bar the last being split into three rounds with assorted objectives like capturing points and protecting Worth’s devoted Sexbot from orcish attention, and a few similar things that mostly involve holding down the fire button and trying not to shout at the camera and your rubbish aiming controls.

Between missions you can upgrade your squad and equipment using money pillaged from the ground, though it’s a short campaign and any deaths you suffer are more likely to be from getting chipped to death when surrounded than being unprepared. Your arsenal of freedom ranges from the machine gun that kills everything dead and renders everything else more or less useless to… some other toys. Grenades, definitely. Oh, and a flamethrower. I think I used that once or twice, though never anything approaching tactics or more than mild caution. The campaign is over almost as soon as it’s started, and with no real incentive to revisit any of its levels. You’d really have to love gawping at the sex scenes to get your $35 out of it.

Did they resist the urge to call him the 'Whorechief', or just not think of it?

Between missions, the cut-scenes tell what little story there is – and easily the most disappointing thing about BoneCraft is how quickly it loses interest in its Warcraft parody. It gets a few sniggers, mostly thanks to the cast shamelessly and enthusiastically delivering lines like “Testicular bio-scan has detected low testosterone level, fucking me would be highly advisable”, but direct gags are few and far between. Honestly, there are so few, even the old “Rogues do it from behind” groaner might have helped. Though that might have been unprofessional, what with it already having been bagsied by that other Warcraft porn parody (Very NSFW!)

Unsurprisingly, much of the action has a depressing misogynistic tone, from the constant blather about Mrs. Slocombe to the early mission where the team rapes and pillages its way through an orc settlement on a search for – and I quote – “non artificial vagina”. Even if the ladies in question are presented as both willing and easier than a post-patch Naxx, it’s still deeply squicky – and hardly helped by the bonus objective “Don’t let Chicks escape”.

Put the two things together and what could have been a funny, sex-positive comedy doesn’t take long to fall flat. Even before it starts wheeling out eye-rollingly generic camp-gay elves (oddly jumping franchise to take a pop at The Legend of Zelda, as if the writers had run out of Warcraft material), any goodwill from the few genuinely funny moments had long since faded. I finished the game to see how the campaign ended anyway, and while I won’t spoil it, let’s just say it completely lived down to my expectations. Pity. Before firing the game up, I was very willing to have fun with it as a comedy, even expecting the sex side to be cringeworthy.

Hey, how do you get Princess Zelda in the sack? Triforce! No, seriously, I'm an unrepentant rapist.

Sex in BoneCraft serves two purposes – to refill your health, and to sell the game to people who want to masturbate over their computers until they need a new keyboard. Now, I don’t want to get judgemental about this side of it. If you get your kicks by watching emotionally barren 3D models bump against each other’s knobbly naughty bits to the sensual accompaniment of the words “Oooh”, “Aaah” and “Ooooooooooh” at a variety of pitches and levels of enthusiasm, I really have no problem with that. Hell, spend your evenings writing Team Fortress 2 erotic fan-fiction if you like. It’s harmless escapism. It’s your business. Have fun.

…but damn, this is boring. The main focus is on Worth and his variably lucky ladies cavorting in the middle of the screen, with the option to switch to any position you’ve purchased between missions – mostly with names like Dildo Dog and Hair Pull and the charming sounding Standing Butt Fuck rather than, say, Cuddle Under Blanket or Ask What She Likes. It’s not interesting to begin with, and by the time the game starts handing out mission objectives like “Bone 10 elves”, it’s successfully made the very entire idea of sex seem like a tiresome chore.

Finish the game and you’re given an elf pleasure palace to go have sex with anyone you like, and buy any of the advanced positions you didn’t get around to in the main game. There’s no character to it, no sentiment, just bouncing body parts in your choice of colour. Sure, it’s still classier than the average Friday night in Goldshire, but not by a hell of a lot. The erotic fountains alone are just… ugh. Shudder. Let us never speak of the erotic fountains again.

Naughty boy, you had me at /flirt

The actual minigame consists of two bars on the left of the screen, labelled ‘Speed’ and ‘Power’. Your job is to move the blue bits to where the pink bits are, then wait until they need readjusting. Then readjust them. It’s incredibly anal fiddly and uninvolving, and you’ve got to imagine the people of Azeroth get up to far more exciting night-time action. Serpent Spread. Steady Shot. Longevity. Fingers of Frost. You think everyone learns them just to go kill monsters?

In short, I don’t get the appeal of this at all… but then I don’t know why anyone would want to watch Ron Jeremy in a Super Mario Bros porno either. If all this sounds like your cup of tea, I recommend washing your cup out at once, you unhygienic monster. If it simply sounds like your idea of a good time though, well, maybe it will be. BoneCraft wouldn’t exist if plenty of people hadn’t bought the original Bonetown, after all. They must have their reasons.

Tssk. Bone points. That's all you men think about, isn't it?

Ignoring the almost inevitably dull sex scenes (and honestly, what else could they have done – a Fahrenheit style ‘push the mouse in and out’ minigame?), the biggest problem here is definitely the parody side. RPGs are ripe for sending up, and setting out to take a few good pokes at the genre instead of just its orc and elf ladies could have been hilarious. As it is, BoneCraft may work for Bonetown fans looking to add more fantasy to their virtual sex lives, but it’s unlikely to satisfy most regular World of Warcraft fans hoping for a walk on the wilder side of Azeroth.

Disappointed by the lack of dodgy pics? Watch the NSFW trailer here.

Too naughty? Try this soothing documentary about Milton Keynes instead.

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70 Comments »

  1. Network Crayon says:

    I watched about 30 seconds of the trailer….

    and then watched the entire documentary about milton keynes to wipe it from my damaged mind.

    • kael13 says:

      Bahaha.. MK isnt so bad… If you like emotionally vacant, characterless samefests…

      I need to move.

    • Furtled says:

      @Kael13

      As a former inmate/citizen of MK, yes, yes you do – just watch out for the giant white ball that chases you down as you try and exit at Jn. 13…

    • John Brindle says:

      The difference between Bonecraft and Milton Keynes is that one is a drab, masochistic exercise in boredom where not even the sex has any character to it…and the other is a videogame.

      I’ll get my coat.

    • TV-PressPass says:

      I actually jumped all over the Milton doc. Hope their views just skyrocket

    • newprince says:

      EDIT: Who or what is MK

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      Milton Keynes was the greatest porn star who ever lived. Unfortunately he lived in victorian times, so all we have are some photos, silent black and white film and many, many diary entries by the ladies he entertained. Due to his time and place of birth, he didn’t become famous until well into the 20th century. In fact, some say the discovery and publication of his sexual adventures were what started the sexual revolution in the first place. With that, his place in history was assured and the British are now so proud they named a town after him.

  2. Gundrea says:

    You really got boned with this assignment Richard.

  3. Danny says:

    I live in Milton Keynes, the documentary really does a good job of showing how very fascinating this place is.

    • Kollega says:

      I didn’t really like it. I felt that it didn’t showcase the city enough.

    • PostieDoc says:

      I like stone cows.
      They are cool.

    • Prime says:

      “Milton Keynes is unique for showing how man can live in harmony with nature.”

      A sentence I NEVER, not in a million years, thought I would ever hear anyone actually say aloud who is not locked away in an insane asylum.

    • Richard Cobbett says:

      “Milton Keynes! Satan’s layby!” – Bill Bailey, Part Troll

    • kael13 says:

      It’s nice to drive around in.. If you like grid systems… Also, roundabouts.

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      “Bill Bailey, Part Troll ” – Topical! :)

  4. Duffin says:

    The Milton Keynes documentary just seemed strapped-on.

  5. MaXimillion says:

    The Japanese are still far better at making porn games it seems.

  6. Prime says:

    Richard, is this best handled as a long session or do you recommend a series of quick spurts?

    • Richard Cobbett says:

      Depends how hard you find it.

    • Prime says:

      Aye, there’s the rub. It all comes down to stamina in the end. Hopefully I’ve got what it takes; If I get into it I’d like to stay joined long enough to leave a lasting mark on the game. I’m not attracted to the idea of just coming and going all the time. Cheers for your input.

    • HisMastersVoice says:

      Rub! Haha! Got it? Rub!

  7. SupberUber says:

    I liked Bonetown for what it was. Doesn’t mean I’ll pay for what looks like a re-skinned version of it, though.

  8. Antsy says:

    Really not my thing, but hey, different strokes for different folks.

  9. Xercies says:

    Ergh it looks like the exact teenager like “oh my god I said sex and whore and put it with world of warcraft characters because i really love those sexy elves, i’m so funny” i thought it would be.

    Games definitely need to grow up and talk about subjects like sex in an adult way, because that could be good.

    • Teddy Leach says:

      Lol vaginas.

      I’m sorry, I didn’t get much sleep last night.

    • ankh says:

      It won’t be good. It’ll be lame.

    • Prime says:

      OMG. There actually is a lolvaginas dotcom (he says carefully, unwilling to unwittingly link to soft porn on RPS). At time of writing one has a duck’s face peeking out of it.

  10. kimadactyl says:

    RPS official: cyborg tits safe for work, elf cock isn’t.

  11. Anjasa says:

    Wow do I not want to see that male avatar having sex.

    Also, I don’t think it’s healthy to smoke a cigar in a helmet.

  12. Kirioth says:

    You should be congratulated for finishing this game, rather than ending prematurely. At least it wasn’t lengthy, although your description makes it sound like a bit of a stretch; you wouldn’t want to (Mrs Slocombe -Ed) out in the middle of it.

  13. Jannakar says:

    I’ve always thought that the natural game style for sex games is rhythm games a la DDR – 2-player modes could be awesome – and in the game, etc.

    These types of games seem to have quite a balanced appeal across genders and such a game can have positive and healthy view of sex rather than the one-sided, exploitative (of both men and women) view that seems to prevalent.

    Not that I have been conducting extensive research, you understand.

    • Network Crayon says:

      Next time i plan on getting laid i’ll just say:

      “Wanna play Dance Dance Revolution?”

      It could work.

    • Richard Cobbett says:

      Mechanically, it’s always going to be quite silly. A smooth-flowing QTE approach is probably as good as any. The catch is really establishing some degree of sentiment between the characters so that there’s an emotional connection capable of bypassing the inherently artificial nature of the engagement.

      Alternatively, you could just fuck your iPad.

      (I’m sure there is/will be a lady version out there very soon.)

    • Jannakar says:

      I don’t think there has been a a great deal of discussion — a fair degree of self-censorship, fear of devolving into something out of /b/ or wider discussions on gender politics re: games.

      Only the Japanese seem to be interested in developing in this area, essentially because they are ill in the head.

      The average age of gamers is now well past the age where they should be able to form responsibility opinions on the subject, but because of the puritanism of the US and UK, the whole subject is sort of shunned.

      edit: that.. thing… is, um, disturbing.

    • bigdeadbug says:

      I wouldn’t say it’s solely the conservative nature of society in the UK (can’t speak for the US sadly) that this topic isn’t brought up in games or dealt with in an adult manor. In a similar vein to what Richard said it is my opinion that games have yet to reach a point where they can use it as anything more than erotica, this seems to stem from the fact that games often put the player in control of a somewhat pre-defined character. This results in the vast majority of sexual content being nothing more than slightly shit pornography that you either watch or press a few buttons during.

      Until developers can really bring the majority of players into a game to the point they truly feel like a character in it (and think of it as anything more than a way to get your rocks off) the result will be nothing more than slightly awkward porn.

    • John Brindle says:

      Richard: maybe a Trespasser style Arm with realistic physics?

    • Richard Cobbett says:

      “I’m sorry, this doesn’t usually happen.”

      “I hope not, YOU POKED OUT MY EYE! And NOT EVEN WITH YOUR HAND!”

  14. mentor07825 says:

    Squad Broken, anyone? Anyone at all?

    • Kirioth says:

      I hate the fact that I think I know what you’re referring to. Would it, perchance, be a fanfic based around a Space Marine being forcefully entered from behind by an Ork during a battle?

      If the answer is no and that doesn’t exist, I may be forced to take preventative action against myself, and leap from a cliff.

    • mentor07825 says:

      It is indeed based around that, but I think it’s more of a comical love story. The sequals are also pretty good.

  15. HisMastersVoice says:

    I honestly though it’s a game about crafting bones when I read the title. Something like a Minecraft and Grim Fandango mashup.

    Mojang, make it happen.

  16. Everyone says:

    it’s successfully made the very entire idea of sex seem like a tiresome chore.

    Soooo … bit like marriage then?

  17. Hodge says:

    You know, there’s a ‘Richard’s Crap Chute’ gag to be had here but I can’t bring myself to be the one who says it.

  18. illuminerdi says:

    10 points for the “anal” joke near the end. I nearly lol’d here at work because of it. Well played.

  19. Porkolt says:

    You had me at Mrs. Slocombe. Off to buy!

  20. Jackablade says:

    So it turns out Milton Keynes isn’t a singer from a 60s jazz outfit. The more you know…

  21. Xan says:

    Is the robot girl in the screenshot from Scrapland?

  22. Jupiah says:

    Wow those graphics are bad and the character designs are ugly. Even if you like the subject matter and can tolerate the boring sex minigames and crappy gameplay, how could anyone possibly get off to those hideous, deformed, cartoony characters?

  23. Dances to Podcasts says:

    Funny how back in the 70s Mrs. Slocombe could make all the [pre-emptive Mrs. Slocombe] jokes in the world and we’ve now regressed to the point where, 40 years later, grown men daren’t even say it in public.

    (Though, looking at the comments, apparently ‘fuck’ is OK.)

    • Richard Cobbett says:

      It could have been said. I merely chose not to because I dislike the term in question and it’s not one I care to use. There are others in a similar vein, including [BLEEP], [BLEEP] and most notably of all, [BLEEP].

      “Fuck” on the other hand, I merely use very sparingly, typically when a sentence requires some form of additional power, for either dramatic or comedic effect. Or when I stub my toe. Then I use it quite liberally.

  24. Spindrift says:

    The marine dude is frighteningly homely. Are there actually people out there that go, ‘Hey, I want to see him having sex with people, that sounds like fun’?

  25. Big Daddy Dugger says:

    How…Why…WTF?