Grand Theft Organ: Emergency Ambulance Simulator

By Adam Smith on February 6th, 2012 at 4:41 pm.

A flotilla fit for a Health King

Crazy Taxi was half of a decent game. The driving about at silly speeds in order to pick up a fare and ferry him to his destination had the potential to be extraordinary good fun. What youngster doesn’t dream of being a taxi driver? A crazy taxi driver no less? But despite flirting with perfection and even caressing her cheek, Crazy Taxi had a serious flaw. The people waiting for your services weren’t bleeding, vomiting, broken wretches, shivering and wracked with agony. Thankfully, Emergency Ambulance Simulator has arrived to correct that severe oversight.

It’s hard for me to express my excitement. Imagine being a “premier paramedic”, following the highs and lows of career that (presumably) begins in the dingy backalleys of a small town on a Saturday night, where time is spent removing glass from the gullets of drunkards and mopping up their beery leavings. After that, perhaps it’ll be a road accident or two. I might have to call in my allies with their fire engines and cutting equipment to remove a weeping man from his crumpled Vauxhall Astra, or resuscitate the slumped form of a bus driver at the wheel of a school bus now filled with severely traumatised children.

What could be more fun?

As I progress through the ranks, hopefully being granted larger and larger hats to denote my status, I expect I’ll be called to a posh dinner party where the guests have all become more than a little peaky after learning that the truffle mousse that sits aside their veal cuts is actually watered down Nutella. Applying a cold compress and carting the lot of them off to hospital rooms bigger than a normal man’s house will provide satisfaction the likes of which only an Ambulance Pilot First Class ever truly feels.

And unlike a grubby cabbie, I’ll have status. People will get the heck out of my way as I rattle through the suburbs, siren blaring, not because they’re afraid of my Medicine Van, but because they know I’m the most important thing on the road. A hero. A saviour. And if I do clobber anyone with HMS Health and Safety, I’ll just scoop them up, throw them in the back and drop them off at the nearest emergency ward. They might even give me a tip.

Is it too much to hope for a virulent outbreak of flesh-eating bacteria that contaminates the business district, closing down entire city blocks. I won’t shy away though. It’s my job to drive through those streets, every turn a right angle, noting the realistic way in which only one or two pedestrians can ever be seen at one time, the crowds having locked themselves away in a self-imposed quarantine. Bravely, I’ll take my thermometer into the thick of the action, forcing myself to look past the pustules and cankers to the fragile heart beneath it all. Then I’ll pull some electric paddles out of the Good Ship Eupepsia and electrocute that heart so hard it doesn’t dare to ever stop beating again.

My career could reach its pinnacle during an attempt to assassinate the President. Some revolutionary swine has gone and thrown a boiling hot Cup-A-Soup in his Presidential face, leaving him raw and stinking of onions, a crouton stuck in the corner of his eye. By this point, my hat is bigger than my torso and has four flashing lights stuck on top of it. Naturally, it warbles loudly whenever I’m in motion.

Once he’s saved, following liberal application of a dishcloth and an unbranded salve, the President thanks me in a dramatic and – I’m not going to lie – tear-jerking cutscene. A sober and reflective Gary Oldman is on voice duty for the Pres. I, Peter Paramedic, sound and look a lot like a more handsome Cary Grant.

“You’ve earned this, Peter.” He’s only handing me his Presidential seal. I’m the leader of the free world and some of the not-so-free world as well. And he’s right. I have bloody well earned it.

Whew. Let’s take a look.

Oh. Good music though.

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25 Comments »

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  1. Valvarexart says:

    I prefer Garbage Truck Simulator

  2. FKD says:

    I am glad there are people that make games like this (heck if Train simulator can sell!) because I am the kind of person that in GTA I hop in a police car, drive around obeying the signs, etc and then when I see someone do something bad I chase after them and what not. Fun in my own way I guess!

  3. MrCraigL says:

    I assume this supports most force feedback wheels, trackIr, eyefinity and the logitech usb-electro-heart-paddles?

  4. Vagrant says:

    I want an ambulance SO BAD. I want one to sleep in and to pull my race car.

  5. noom says:

    Indeed, that music is pumping.

  6. MrThingy says:

    He’s not going to sell any ice cream at that speed!

    (thank you Morecambe and Wise…)

  7. jeevesII says:

    You’ve clearly been playing Crazy Taxi wrong then. All my fares complain I nearly killed them.

  8. 2late2die says:

    I took a look at the publisher’s site, they’ve got shitload of simulators – garbage truck, street cleaning, delivery truck, utility vehicle, the list goes on and on, and it’s a bit ridiculous but they must keep making them because people are buying them.

    It did give me an idea – what if they bring all those together into one City-Management MMO game.

    Just imagine – you start with a city mostly controlled by AI and people come in and start with small jobs – police officer, truck driver, paramedic, firefighter etc., but as you perform better you can progress into managing various utilities, like traffic, water & power, cable & internet (could we do a better job than time warner or AT&T? ;)), and then some folks get all the way up to a mayor and they start managing the whole city.

    Each server would be a separate city and then as the game grows and cities become more people controlled than AI they can connect the servers allowing for trade between cities. You can also throw in some Sims-like stuff in there, allowing you to not just have a job but a family as well – you could marry an AI character like a companion in MMOs, or you could marry a player controlled character. The possibilities are endless. :)

    • Grey Ganado says:

      Or you just stay in real life where all that is already simulated perfectly.
      Except for some glitches here and there.

  9. QualityJeverage says:

    I want these games to keep being made solely so I can keep reading these articles on them.

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      Arathain says:

      Yup. Adam, this is one of your best.

    • Shadowcat says:

      Best thing I’ve read all day!

      Wait; it’s a quarter past midnight, so that wasn’t the compliment I intended.

      Best thing I’ve read in the past day-and-a-bit!

  10. GreatGreyBeast says:

    Do they make non-emergency ambulances? Maybe a Casual-Drive-About-Town Ambulance Simulator?

  11. hosndosn says:

    One of the reasons I love RPS is that you give games like this a spot on the frontpage. I would never play it, but somehow I love that it exists and they you guys check it out.

  12. Heliocentric says:

    When GTA 4 didn’t have an Paramedic mode I pulled a sad face. Really, that and the Taxi missions were my favourite parts of GTA.

  13. BarerRudeROC says:

    Anyone else read the hospital letters as “Not a fun name”?
    I have no idea whether to feel quick or slow.

  14. soldant says:

    Wonder if they simulate the hours of waiting around, getting called to a job only to be told to turn around and go home, turning up and finding an unconscious patient in arrest is actually a chair…

    • Obc says:

      or just waiting in the hospital for someone to sign some papers so that you can go.

  15. Gabe McGrath says:

    @Adam Smith.

    Funny you should mention Crazy Taxi, as Sega actually MADE the game you’d hoped for.
    “Emergency Call Ambulance”

    You drive as fast as possible, without any ‘bumps’… as each one injures our patient.
    It’s really fun, but the time limits are very tight.

    I have great memories of approaching a corner in the game – where a big petrol tanker is turning….
    …and in true Hollywood style it rolled over, with my ambulance just avoiding collision.

    Here’s a Youtube playthrough…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AtPyWThcDg

    And here are details at KLOV.com…
    http://www.arcade-museum.com/game_detail.php?game_id=7706

  16. noerartnoe says:

    I have a feeling that if Rockstar ever decide to make a game based on Repo! (not going to happen, way too niche), this will be the title (if not the final, then at least the WiP one).

  17. Grape Flavor says:

    I hate to rain on your parade Adam, but President of Germany is a largely ceremonial position. (What, you didn’t think just because they drove on the right this was from Americaland? That’s not English on those ambulances.)

    Hey, it’s still a pretty sweet gig though. Congratulations.

  18. TheGroovyMule says:

    I dunno if it can match up with the exciting chases, and breathtaking set pieces of Street Cleaning Simulator