Today’s Important News

By Alec Meer on February 14th, 2012 at 3:03 pm.

As RPS is apparently having a bit of an Indie Tuesday, we’re short on big, sensationalist, hit-grabbing headlines today – so in desperation I thought I’d pen a load of them to see if we can reach 40 billion unique users a second. If one of these don’t immediately have you seeing a particularly bloody shade of red and penning a torrent of invective on your forum of choice, then you are… a well-balanced human being. Well done.

‘IS A NEW VIDEOGAME PERHAPS GOING TO BE RELEASED AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE?’

‘A NEW VIDEOGAME WILL CONTAIN SOME SORT OF COPY PROTECTION SYSTEM.’

‘A VIDEOGAME DEVELOPER HAS SUGGESTED THAT ONE GAMES CONSOLE MIGHT BE EVER SO SLIGHTLY PREFERABLE TO ANOTHER ONE.’

‘SEQUEL TO A BELOVED VIDEOGAME IS A BIT DIFFERENT.’

‘”SOME SORT OF TECHNOLOGY IS ‘THE FUTURE’”, SAYS MAN.’

‘”VIDEOGAMES ARE BAD”, SAYS AN ‘EXPERT’ WHO DOESN’T PLAY GAMES BUT WAS ASKED ABOUT THEM BY AN EXPLOITATIVE IDIOT WITH AN AGENDA.’

‘”OOH THIS OTHER VIDEOGAMES COMPANY ISN’T ALL THAT NICE”‘ SAYS A MAN FROM A DIFFERENT VIDEOGAMES COMPANY ALTOGETHER.’

‘NEW CONSOLE WILL HAVE SOME SORT OF PERCENTAGE MORE POWER THAN A CONSOLE YOU ALREADY OWN.’

‘ENORMOUSLY SUCCESSFUL VIDEOGAME “MIGHT” SEE A SEQUEL, IMPLIES BUSINESS ENTITY BEHIND IT.’

‘”ANNOUNCEMENT: WE WILL BE ANNOUNCING SOMETHING SOON”‘ ANNOUNCES ANNOUNCEMENT DIVISION OF VIDEOGAMES COMPANY.

‘”OUR NEW GAME WHICH WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE LOTS OF PEOPLE BUY WILL BE A QUANTUM LEAP IN VISCERAL ACTION”‘ SAYS MARKETING SPOKESPERSON.’

‘BE HERE AT 5PM FOR WHEN A BARRAGE OF ADVERTISING COMMENCES WITH A 1M 12 SECOND VIDEO OF LOGOS AND A MAN WITH A DEEP VOICE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT WAR.’

‘”WE PERHAPS MAYBE SORT OF DIDN’T REALLY TOTALLY DO WHAT WE WOULD POSSIBLY LIKE TO HAVE IDEALLY DONE WITH THE LAST GAME BUT WILL DEFINITELY ABSOLUTELY DO X100 WITH THIS NEW GAME THAT IS ON SALE SOON’” ADMITS A MAN WHO MAKES VIDEOGAMES.

Right, are we the biggest videogame site in the world now? Jolly good.

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78 Comments »

  1. Lewie Procter says:

    Has anyone leveraged any ip today?

    • Seniath says:

      No no, you need to leverage some resource to action a paradigm shift on an IP. Merely leveraging the IP will get you nowhere.

    • 4026 says:

      What if, going forward, we monetised our synergies before close of play?

    • DanPryce says:

      We need to solutionize our glocal strategy.

    • Museli says:

      But will that grow the brand? We’ve got demographics to think of here, people!

    • Drayk says:

      ‘”WE PERHAPS MAYBE SORT OF DIDN’T REALLY TOTALLY DO WHAT WE WOULD POSSIBLY LIKE TO HAVE IDEALLY DONE WITH THE LAST GAME BUT WILL DEFINITELY ABSOLUTELY DO X100 WITH THIS NEW GAME THAT IS ON SALE SOON’” ADMITS A MAN WHO MAKES VIDEOGAMES.

      Peter Molyneux ! I know it’s you !

    • Daniel Klein says:

      I’ll leverage YOUR IP.

      ifyouknowwhatImean.jpg

    • Nallen says:

      We really talk like this at work. Before I joined management I would always say ‘wtf are you guys talking about, they’re not resources they’re people’. Now I’m in management…well…you’re resources not people.

      We don’t half leverage a lot of synergies though.

    • Revisor says:

      Also don’t forget The CONSUMER and The FRANCHISE!

    • Jerricho says:

      We can solutionise our glocal strategy by first insentivising the challenge space of our target demographic and synergising our IPs.

    • bear912 says:

      Forgetting the consumer franchise market is something we, as an entity, would never seek outright. It is in our best interest, and the best interest of our shareholders, to serve the franchise’s consumers with quantum leaps in service strategy. In keeping with this vision, we always strive to ensure that our developmental phases correspond with trends in our customers’ actuarial social engagement behavior!

    • Simon Hawthorne says:

      My job involves leveraging IP.

      I’ve leveraged IP today!

      Do I win?

    • Urthman says:

      Mirror’s Edge 2: “We’re probably going to look into some issues around the design to make sure strong IP is married with strong business.”

    • edwardoka says:

      You forgot to mention getting as much headspace in the respective verticals while providing fans of the IP a new and exciting first person action SKU that stays true to the style of the turn-based strategy of the original classic.

    • Saldek says:

      Current projections suggest that the leveraging of resources to merely action a paradigm shift of an IP will not sufficiently impact shareholder satisfaction. Due diligence requires no less than the consolidation of a synergetic set of paradigm shifts to a qualified portfolio of IPs.

    • Tams80 says:

      Bingo!

      Do I win a synergised response for actions belying a challenge to the group interests?

  2. pakoito says:

    You forgot to stick a press note as news.

  3. Sparkasaurusmex says:

    Diablo III developers announce addition of optional resolutions to play it, perhaps even windowed mode!

  4. bateleur says:

    These need to be numbered to make them easier to reference when the corresponding story types appear. Go on, start a meme, you know you want to! ;-)

  5. MrCraigL says:

    I am outraged by these headlines and am going to inform my MP.

  6. elfbarf says:

    Ooh, I love me some visceral action!

  7. MattyFTM says:

    You’re missing “SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO VIDEO GAMES HAPPENS SOMEWHERE NEAR A LOCATION RELATED TO VIDEO GAMES”. Certain sites do that a lot. *Cough*

    • mouton says:

      Yeah… That’s one of the reasons why I stopped reading that.

    • JackShandy says:

      It’s impossible to distinguish their headlines from these parodies. Here’s their latest: “MAKING THE LAST GUARDIAN IS VERY HARD, SONY ADMITS”.

    • Antsy says:

      They’re marginally worse than Eurogamer!

    • Sleepymatt says:

      I love that a fan defends the newsworthiness of the seven year old “news” despite evidently being unaware of the meaning of the meaning of the word ‘new’. Genius.

  8. nopol10 says:

    This site certainly needs more news on video game news and less on video games, as this article has proven.

  9. InsanityBringer says:

    I feel good about this. This will definitely absolutely work without any chance of failure.

    (bonus points if you write articles for each of these headlines)

  10. caddyB says:

    Also don’t forget: “GIRL PLAYING A GAME SPOTTED, MAYBE SHE LIKES NERDS”
    there’s lots of those as well

  11. Eamo says:

    You left out: GAMES NEWS SITE RAILS AT REPETITIVE NATURE OF GAMES JOURNALISM

    • jezcentral says:

      You left out: GAMES NEWS SITE RAILS AT REPETITIVE NATURE OF GAMES JOURNALISM

  12. Stuart Walton says:

    VIDEOGAME REVIEWER SCORES GAME SLIGHTLY LOWER THAN THE METACRITIC SCORE

    • elfbarf says:

      VIDEOGAME “JOURNALIST” SCORES CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED GAME AT ONE HALF OF AVERAGE REVIEW SCORE TO ATTAIN MASSIVE NUMBER OF PAGEVIEWS

    • Luke says:

      And inevitably:

      “VIDEOGAME JOURNALIST SCORES HIGHER ON METACRITIC THAN GAME HE REVIEWS”

    • Sleepymatt says:

      … AND THEREFORE IS OBVIOUSLY A PAID SHILL.

  13. rustybroomhandle says:

    Y’all can go play Steve Quest, a wee gamelet I made for a lark. http://screwylightbulb.com/stevequest It even shamelessly rips off someone else’s ip.

  14. Ian says:

    ‘”ANNOUNCEMENT: WE WILL BE ANNOUNCING SOMETHING SOON”‘ ANNOUNCES ANNOUNCEMENT DIVISION OF VIDEOGAMES COMPANY.”

    I, for one, am fucking psyched.

  15. AndrewC says:

    This videogame won’t be nearly as good as a videogame released about ten years ago.

  16. BigJonno says:

    ‘HERE IS SOMETHING CRAZY FROM JAPAN WHICH YOU MUST BE INTERESTED IN BECAUSE YOU LIKE VIDEOGAMES AND SOME VIDEOGAMES ARE MADE IN JAPAN.’

    ‘”SOMETHING VAGUELY SENSIBLE,” SAYS MAN WHO MAKES VIDEOGAMES, WHICH IS NEWSWORTHY BECAUSE THEY USUALLY SPOUT RUBBISH, AMIRITE?’

  17. cliffski says:

    you didnt announce a new cheap games bundle.
    im dissapointed.

  18. DanPryce says:

    THIS JUST IN: VIDEOGAMES MAKE YOU VIOLENT ACCORDING TO EVIDENCE BEREFT SCIENTIST.

    • MiniMatt says:

      And the Daily Mail version:
      FACT: VIDEO GAMES CAN CAUSE CANCER!
      (followed two days later by)
      FACT: VIDEO GAMES COULD CURE CANCER!
      (followed two days later still with)
      FOREIGN (AND BROWN!) TERRORISTS PREPARE FOR ATTACK ON SUBURBIA WITH EVIL VIDEO GAMES YOUR CHILDREN ARE PLAYING!

      The Daily Express version naturally being:
      PRINCESS DI’S DRIVER OF DEATH IS SECRET GRAND THEFT AUTO ADDICT

    • bear912 says:

      I may or may not have initially read “EVIDENCE BEREFT SCIENTIST” as “VIOLENCE BEREFT SCIENTIST”…

  19. c-Row says:

    RECENTLY ANNOUNCED VIDEO GAME WILL EITHER BE GOOD OR BAD, PERHAPS AVERAGE.

  20. Tyrone Slothrop. says:

    In actually notable news, though still related to the non-industry side of gaming, the ambitious Zeitgeist mod for HL2 released a five-minute prologue trailer. From what I can recall from the design document it’s an FPS-RPG with parkour and climbing elements. It’s also excitingly a retro-futurist alternate history setting taking place in 1930′s cosmopolitan Europe with locations in Britain, Germany and Italy.

    The design document also speaks about character attributes and inventory involving the character’s suitcase and a public transportation system to various locations. It’s easily my most anticipated mod and one that’s quite personally interesting to me given the aesthetics, design and even developer intentions to create a modern revival of the ‘Ego Shooter’ (System Shock and Deus Ex being the most famous of which).

    If there was one gaming project I wish I could kickstart money towards, it would be this.

  21. MonkeyMonster says:

    FATHER OF 4 FOUND GUILTY OF PLAYING AN 18+ GAME, SAID “HE HAD BOUGHT IT FOR HIS KID”

  22. zergrush says:

    Your website seems to be lacking some cosplay galleries, good sir.

  23. Craig Stern says:

    Assuming there isn’t already a gaming blog version of TVTropes, this convinces me that one is viable.

  24. Zanchito says:

    RPS, you’ve made yourselves obsolete.

  25. Blundero says:

    Sensationalist headlines? Hows about ‘Diablo 3 to be released early’

  26. marlin says:

    VALVE SAY NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING; INTERNET ERUPTS IN DISGUST.

  27. Author X says:

    > ‘BE HERE AT 5PM FOR WHEN A BARRAGE OF ADVERTISING COMMENCES WITH A 1M 12 SECOND VIDEO OF LOGOS AND A MAN WITH A DEEP VOICE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT WAR.’

    What, that it never changes? Or that it has irreversibly changed?

    We need to get Ron Perlman and David Hayter together to debate this already.

    • killias2 says:

      I heard that war never changes, but I don’t know how credible that is.

    • Simon Hawthorne says:

      Yeah but I also heard that this changes everything, so…

  28. Cinnamon says:

    “VIDEO GAMES ARE/AREN’T ART”, SAYS MAN

  29. bwion says:

    GAME DEVELOPER ANNOUNCES THAT GAMES THAT AREN’T EXACTLY LIKE THE GAMES THEY HAPPEN TO BE MAKING ARE OUTMODED RELICS OF THE PAST THAT NO ONE PLAYS ANY MORE.

    INDIE DEVELOPER ANNOUNCES REVOLUTIONARY NEW TOWER DEFENSE 2-D PLATFORMER WITH A TWIST.

    ACCORDING TO LATEST BLIZZARD PRESS RELEASE, DIABLO III TO BE RELEASED “SOONER OR LATER”, WILL CONTAIN “FEATURES” AND “GAMEPLAY”, WILL REQUIRE PERMANENT INTERNET CONNECTION “BECAUSE WE FELT LIKE IT”.

  30. MiniMatt says:

    SOFTWARE PIRACY CONCLUSIVELY LINKED TO SPATE OF KITTEN DEATHS SAYS COMPREHENSIVE SCIENTIFIC STUDY*.

    *actual science unavailable at time of going to print

  31. dysphemism says:

    MARKETING ARG SPARKS MASSIVE CONFUSION, DISINTEREST CONCERNING GAME IT INTENDS TO ADVERTISE

    LIVE-ACTION VIDEOGAME TRAILER MAKES US ALL FEEL A BIT RIDICULOUS

    …also, the “we’re just as guilty, obviously” tag should be applied to all things. As a meditative practice.

  32. durera says:

    Can anyone recommend a site with content comparable to RPS, but for console gaming news? There must be at least one out there, somewhere …

  33. bear912 says:

    NEW CONSOLE WILL HAVE SOME SORT OF FRACTION OF THE POWER OF A PERSONAL COMPUTER YOU ALREADY OWN?

  34. alundra says:

    Senator Lamar Smith is already hard at work to replace the nice SOPA act the nasty populace took down for some phyrric fantasy called freedom.

    ACTA has not yet been ratified by any country with several euro countries daring to “study it” before ratifying.

    MAFIAA, RIAA, and all the major media white collar crook never rest to fight for their best interests, the successor to ACTA, or Plan B, the Trans-Pacific Partnership, TPP, dances with Hollywood behind closed doors while kicking out those nasty public interest groups, how dare them intrude!!

  35. Valvarexart says:

    ANNOUNCED: BUY INDIE BUNDLE FOR WHATEVER YOU WANT AS LONG AS IT IS HIGHER THAN THE AVERAGE

  36. Kaira- says:

    VIDEO GAMES ARE MY FAVOURITE VIDEO GAMES, SAYS MAN.

  37. Sweep says:

    “SPECULATION ABOUT AN UPCOMING GAME YOU ARE INTERESTED IN BUT WITH NO OFFICIAL COMMENT FROM THE DEVELOPERS”

    “A LIST OF TEN THINGS YOU DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT”

    “SOMEONE TWEETED SOMETHING”

    I’m going to stop before I depress myself.

  38. Hoaxfish says:

    That thing you like is not as dead as other people would say it is.

    (no, I’m not going to type in all-caps)

  39. ffordesoon says:

    OPINION: WHY A VIDEOGAME I LIKE IS GOOD AND A VIDEOGAME I DO NOT IS BAD AND ALSO OBAMA SOMEHOW

  40. TheWhippetLord says:

    SOME NEW VIDEOGAME HAS A PRESENCE ON FACEBOOK OR TWITTER OR GEOCITIES OR SOME OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA FAD THAT WILL DIE SOON ANYWAY IF THERE’S ANY JUSTICE IN THE WORLD

  41. Shouldbeworking says:

    I WOULD LIKE TO ADD A CAPTION TOO SAYS UNIMAGINATIVE COMMENTER

    err, I’ll get my coat

  42. Skabooga says:

    PIRACY! BLLLLALARRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

  43. Sleepymatt says:

    FOOT-TO-BALL SIMULATOR YEAR X INEXPLICABLY MORE POPULAR THAN FOOT-TO-BALL SIMULATOR YEAR X-1