Virtual Kisses: Valentine’s Day Events 2012

By Richard Cobbett on February 14th, 2012 at 10:00 am.

Love... well, it is expensive. Maybe I should invest in a bacon sandwich instead...

As RPS’ only painfully single person at the moment, I’m happy to inform you that Valentine’s Day is cancelled. A pox on all happy couples, literally and figuratively. Return to your empty, silent houses with the biggest bag of sweets you can, turn off the lights, and spend the evening sobbing until the sweet, sweet chocolate oozes out of your eyes and anus.

…or alternatively, jump into one of the many Valentine’s Day events taking place this week in assorted games. Almost anything with a cash shop will be running a sale, but many are running special events. (Though not all. DC Universe Online for instance scrapped the Valentine’s content it tried last year in favour of waiting until the team has the time to do something good instead.) Jump in with a loved one, or just celebrate Aching Solitude Awareness Day by ganking any of those pesky doting sweethearts who get too close. Like I care. Sob.

Valentine Indie Royale – The latest Bundle, though the connection between the games and everyone’s favourite canonised avatar of overpriced cards and icky-poo sentiment seems somewhat tenuous at best. Zeno Clash for example. “Start with a series of punches, kicks, and grabs, follow up with a knee to the enemy’s face, and hit him with a finishing move to send him flying yards away,” enthuses the site. Whatever happened to cuddling? Anyway. If you decide to spend your money on this instead of another round of oysters for the one who seems to willingly tolerate your presence, you’ll get that, Hoard, Lume, and two Soulcaster games.

APB Reloaded: Valentine’s Week Massacre – Hmmm. Somewhat in poor taste, no? Those poor mobsters, dying so that one day their deaths could be immortalised in a not-very-good shooter. Oh well. Sign into this rebooted, F2P version and you’ll get free bright pink weapons like the Star Love-Gun, with the option to murder your way to extra prizes like “Sexy Symbols” and a “Big Chopper”. Which is a firearm, pervy fans of the customisation system.

That's not a love arrow. He just HATES you.

World of Warcraft: Love Is In The Air – A series of definitely-not-Valentine related quests for you to hack and slash your way through, plus the more social joys of flowers to stick into your hair/between straggly head maggots (delete according to current vitalistic status), rose petals to throw, and being killed by perfume. Looks the same as most years from a quick glance, right down to the big prize being a giant pink Big Love Rocket to stick between your legs as you ride around shouting “I may have no life, but my mage is fricking AWESOME!”

Rift: World Marriage Record – It’s been at least five minutes since a game last set a pointless Guinness World Record for marketing reasons. Now Trion wants to do it too! On Valentine’s Day, you can help it by finding a loved one whose real-life gender is irrelevant to True Roleplayers to tie the virtual knot in style. There’s a special in-game Title on offer, and scripted ceremonies for up to 200 of your ‘friends’ to come see it happen. Alternatively, contact Guinness and ask if they’d be up for you setting the bar for Most Bullets Fired In An FPS. Worth a shot!

Clone Wars Adventures – A set of seasonal items for the other Star Wars online game. You’ll have to cough up to get loved up, but can acquire a range of cutesy toys including a Cupid Clone Trooper armour set, pink-painted astromech called H3-4RT (the sequel to Thi4f), and a candy-dispensing mouse droid. You can also buy a ‘friendly Gungan’ called Jynx, though to do so does mean signing away any right to complain about Jar-Jar or claim a Star Destroyer could blow up the USS Enterprise ever, ever again. Unless you can kill him. Then it’s probably okay.

What? A picture of something other than a half-naked woman? This can't be League of Legends!

League of Legends: Valentine’s Sale – A set of cut-price skins to help (un)dress your favourite heroes in style, as long as your favourite heroes are Morgana, Taric or Twisted Fate. There’s also a brand new one coming for Vayne, which doesn’t seem to have been posted officially, but people on the forums are assuming is this. Verdict? “Needs more boobs,” apparently.

Everquest II: Erollisi Day – Named for the Norrathian goddess of pounding randomly on keyboards, this looks like a similar deal to Warcraft’s – a quest chain to follow, plus some special crafting components, recipes and drops. Somewhat disturbingly, it looks like murdering sentient characters will make them drop love notes, reminding you that they too had both plans and someone eagerly waiting for them to return home. Good or evil, you have become a murderer of hope and the killer of dreams. On the plus side, free loot! Yaaaaay!

Free Realms: Festival of Hearts – Sony’s kid-friendly mix of munchkins and mini-games has its own event too, set in the insulin-is-not-provided world of Merry Vale. “The Festival of Hearts celebrates an ancient tale of love between Rylan and Arianna,” we’re informed. “These two young pixies met long ago in what would later become Merry Vale, but were separated by magic.” Good. In lighter news, their break-up caused the creation of an malevolent force called Stone Heart, who sounds like a fun guy to hang with. Wonder if he’s got a sister.

Superpower: Being dumped.

City of Heroes: Valentine’s Card Creator – Alternatively, say you love them by creating a stylish e-card featuring a super-you, choice of background, and a witty quip. In surveys, 8/10 partners say they prefer this to a romantic meal, impromptu weekend in Paris, public proposal, sex with the lights on, or the still beating heart of a sacrificial deer. There’s also the yearly Spring Fling event, featuring some temporary powers, questlines from the Pocket D bar, and special buffs that try to bridge the gap between heroes and villains by working much better on your opposing number. Which they will then go and commit crimes/charity with, proving that no good deed goes unpunished, sentiment is naive, and that you are a complete arse.

Aion: Couples Contest – Finally, give the gift of loving love by working your way through a ridiculously long contract in order to win… I quote… “Three (3) Felicitous Socketing Supplements for Fabled Items.” Good practice for making a pre-nup, I suppose…

There are more out there too, but that’s enough. All this lovey-dovey stuff sickens me. I’m off to buy a beautiful bouquet of red, red roses, and burn them with fire.

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46 Comments »

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  1. Scatterbrainpaul says:

    I do love a Valentine’s Week Massacre

  2. terry says:

    Amazon are doing a valentines sale on REAL GAMES as well (when the US gets up).

    EDIT: Of course, you have to have an american card. Le sigh.

  3. Lacessit says:

    Crusader Kings 2 is coming out today, that’s MY valentine’s event.

    • Maldomel says:

      Same here, nothing like fouding a dynasty to celebrate!

    • NathanH says:

      It is a fitting day to begin playing a wife-murdering simulator, isn’t it?

  4. Prime says:

    “Return to your empty, silent houses with the biggest bag of sweets you can, turn off the lights, and spend the evening sobbing until the sweet, sweet chocolate oozes out of your eyes and anus.”

    That’s the girl way of dealing with their crushing inability to find love. We Men have an entirely different way of soothing the pain, something always close to hand. In honour of your desperately lonely day, Richard, I’m going to name it “Porn on the Cobb”.

    • mondomau says:

      Aargh! Not enough mental bleach in the world !

    • Milky1985 says:

      So tempting here to try to start off another pun thread, but it might be about a subject that gets banned quickly as its front page (and i know the rps guys have stopped stuff like this before on teh first page knowing what we are all like :P) and will decend into utter filth knowing the dirty dirty people around here.

      So i’ll leave it for someone else to start and join in later once things get going :P

      (I said there was dirty dirty peopel around here, never said that i wasn’t part of the group :P)

    • Teddy Leach says:

      I thought we were supposed to drink whiskey until the pain goes away.

    • Mirqy says:

      Nah. Whisky.

  5. Simon Hawthorne says:

    A Star Destroyer could totally destroy the USS Enterprise.

    • Richard Cobbett says:

      Only if Troi is in charge. Though a small meringue could do it if Troi is in charge.

    • frenz0rz says:

      Depends if you’re talking about Troi from the series, or Troi from most of the films where – and I hate to say it – the character kind of falls apart because Marina Sirtis appears to have forgotten how to act. Even her appearance in Mass Effect causes me to cringe uncontrollably whenever she’s on screen.

    • Simon Hawthorne says:

      So she was never really…Troi-ing?

  6. RakeShark says:

    And despite my loneliness, the messages from Cryptic begging me to come back to CO and/or STO will remain unanswered, because despite all the promises and good intentions, she was a shallow girl.

  7. McDan says:

    It’s clearly all about the mass effect 3 demo today anyway.

  8. Meneth says:

    “the still beating human heart of a sacrificial deer.”
    Oh, so that‘s what I’ve been doing wrong. Didn’t know I had to transplant a human heart into the deer first.

  9. HardcoreGamer12 says:

    today isn’t valentine day, its more like mass effect 3 day….

  10. Milky1985 says:

    As another single person I am very glad that this soul destroying day has been cancelled so I don’t have to see everyone else being smoochy and lovey dovey all the time while they are together knowing that the world will never treat me like that! I will instead spend the time merceilously plotting my revenge against the world that has shunned me, the world shall pay for its hubris MUAHAHAHAHAHAH………..

    Any single ladies out there call me, I’m free :p

  11. The Magic says:

    I shall spend the day walking around a dark, cold and deserted island while a man narrates in randomly chosen sound files while I attempt to decipher its meaning.

  12. GT3000 says:

    I’m getting a fancy gift from my girlfriend. I got her nothing. True love is bliss.

  13. Premium User Badge

    Colthor says:

    So, as well as being absolutely (and genuinely) the best day of the year to be single, it’s also the best day of the year to play single-player games.

  14. Premium User Badge

    Bluerps says:

    Wow. You are kind of grumpy today, aren’t you, Mr. Cobbett?

  15. Rao Dao Zao says:

    Stuff MMOs, I’m going to assemble the most depressingly self-indulgent playlist I can muster and hole up with Morrowind.

  16. Premium User Badge

    TheApologist says:

    “Return to your empty, silent houses with the biggest bag of sweets you can, turn off the lights, and spend the evening sobbing until the sweet, sweet chocolate oozes out of your eyes and anus.”

    This sentence is to be my valentine this year.

  17. Yosharian says:

    Yes! A pox on thee, St Valentine! Thou are not wanted here!

    =(

  18. Premium User Badge

    Joshua says:

    Well then, mr Cobett, allow me to wish you a happy valentines day regardless. It does not matter whether or not you have a loved one – as long as you can make this day a little bit cozy, everything will be fine.

    • Richard Cobbett says:

      Bah, Cadbury’s white-and-milk-chocolate Bubbly with strawberry Fruitella*.

      (* The Aching Solitude Awareness Day equivalent of a humbug)

  19. Premium User Badge

    c-Row says:

    No Valentine’s Day gifts here, but we celebrated our anniversary last Friday. Yes, I have been a gamer for over 20 years, I play MMOs and those evil manshoots, yet still got a wonderful girlfriend. Take that, public media!

  20. schurem says:

    What about world of tankses? http://worldoftanks.eu/news/1229-valentines-code/

  21. frenz0rz says:

    +1 for Aching Solitude Awareness Day :(

    • Skabooga says:

      It is somewhat more pleasant to think of today as being Half-Off Chocolates Eve.

    • Koozer says:

      Now that is a wonderful way to describe today.

  22. Unaco says:

    I think you’ll find in the one true faith that is in fact Aztec Day, and also St. Seka day.

  23. weaselsoup says:

    Echo Bazaar is doing Valentine’s with the usual sinister overtones… send your enemies a dead bat in a gift box, steal from lovey-dovey couples, etc… http://www.fallenlondon.com

  24. elfbarf says:

    I’m amazed that SWTOR doesn’t seem to have any sort of Valentine’s Day event.

  25. coolz says:

    Also the “Be Mine” bundle: http://groupees.com/bemine. Worth a few bucks if PayPal is allowed.

    1 – Wasteland Angel
    2 – Sideways New York
    3 – Xotic
    4 – BEEP
    5 – The Ball

  26. Namos says:

    I hope Mr. Cobbett realizes the picture from League of Legends is that of a male champion…? Taric, to be exact.

    If you’re looking for a fully clothed female champion, you’re stuck with Leona and Karma.