This may well be an example of the dread medium known as UnNews, but I post it purely because it at least allays fears that the forthcoming extended cut of Mass Effect 3, which fleshes out the game’s notoriously damp-squibby ending, will simply be a montage of still images with captions like ‘Garrus Vakarion retired to found the first inter-planetary branch of Gregg’s Pasties’ and ‘Tali discovered her mask had a hole in it all along and she had only 2.8 seconds left to live. She spent them playing Minesweeper.’
Instead, it transpires that many of Mass Effect’s voice cast have returned to the studio to record new lines of dialogue. One of these is Lance ‘Bishop’ Hendriksen, who offered perhaps the most succint yet accurate encapsulation of just why the internet lost its rag a couple of months ago.
“They were saying there’s a little bit of a problem with the abruptness of the ending,” he told G4TV. “…And it was just an oversight.” Truth, brother, simple honest truth. You can see him hinting at what’s been involved in the new recording below, together with NON-EXCLUSIVE UNNEWS that two more ME3 actors are known to have revisited Bioware’s mics.
Here’s a disturbingly aged Lance talking to G4TV on the reason for his recording new lines. Extract what hints you will from it:
Also confirmed as returning to the studio are Tricia ‘the skinny one with the never-again-mentioned glowing spine in Battlestar Galactica’ Helfer, who played EDI, and Kaidan actor Raphael ‘you sure picked the short straw, buddy’ Sbarge. Sbarge is a funny name, isn’t it?
No doubt there will be more, given the sheer number of crew members and arguably unresolved story threads in the Mass Effect trilogy. I must admit that, after initially thinking ‘well, that was a bit naff’ and having a few too many super-earnest pub conversations regarding ME3’s original ending, this far down the line I can barely remember what happened, let alone coax myself onto tenterhooks to find out what happened to that guy and that lady and that dude from Robot Chicken in several more months’ time. I am incredibly fickle, though. Why, just this morning I made myself a cup of tea than thought ‘I wish I’d made coffee instead.’ I’m kerrayzeee, me.